I wake to Ben rubbing my shoulders gently. "Hey sleepy head. My dad is here." I mumble something and close my eyes again. "Jay." He says, tapping my nose.
I sleepily crack an eye open and look at him. "Hmmm." I say. "You need to wake up." He insists. I hear a voice across the living room say, "It's okay, we can just start by you bringing me up to speed." Ben's voice is a low rumble as they discuss my condition.
I'm really not paying much attention; I'm stuck in a world between sleep and awake. I nearly drift off again when Ben squeezes my arm gently. "Jay, how's your head been lately?" I groan at him. "Horrible." I complain.
In fact, it's mostly my head that's keeping me from sleeping. It's either a constant sharp ache, or moments of white hot fire that nearly paralyze me. I close my eyes again, trying to block out the sounds around me and the ache of my head. I slowly drift into a restless sleep as they are finishing their conversation.
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I yawn, opening my eyes and taking in my surroundings. I'm still on the couch, but Ben and his dad are both gone. I check my phone and see a message from Ben.
"Went to the store to get you some things, didn't want to wake you. Be back soon." I smile, and it's not until I go to stretch that I realize something is horribly wrong. I can't feel my left leg at all.
At first, I assume that I just slept on it weird and it fell asleep. I pinch my leg, trying to wake it back up, but I can't even feel the pinch. After a few minutes, panic starts to set in.
Something is wrong. The thought hits me full force as I realize... this has to be much more than me overexerting myself. The horrible head pain, the time I seemed to have lost, and now no feeling in my leg. And on top of that I keep getting a fever, which isn't exactly helpful. Slowly everything starts to really register. I can't feel my left leg. What's wrong with me?!
My breathing quickens and I start to freak out. Tears are beginning to spill down my face and I can hardly see straight. My chest is constricted and I can't focus on anything else. My head is still a sharp ache but it seems to be slowly getting worse. The room is starting to darken and I can't breathe. What's happening to me? I scream inwardly.
The door suddenly opens. Ben takes in the sight of me and drops his bags, throwing the door shut and running over to me. "Jay can you hear me?" I reach out with shaking fingers and grip his hand, trying to nod. "Hey it's okay, just focus on me."
His hand runs down the side of my face, wiping up tears even though they continue to flow. His hair is flopping in his eyes, wet from the rain. "I'm right here. Can you take some deep breaths for me?" I continue to gasp, shaking my head as I grip his hand tighter. "Jay you can do this."
My gaze drifts away and he gently uses his hand to guide my head back. "Hey, hey, eyes on me. I'm not going anywhere." I continue to gasp and the room dims momentarily.
I clench his hand tightly again, still overrun by fear. He pulls me into his arms and I sob into his strong shoulder. He rubs circles into my back as I pant for air. He's whispering soothingly into my ear as I clench his t-shirt in my hands. My breathing is slowly becoming less gaspy, but it's still shaky.
He pulls back from the hug, holding onto my shoulders. "Can we try some deep breaths together now?" He gently asks.
I take his hand again and squeeze it once, looking into his eyes. I shakily take some deep breaths with him and start to calm down. We sit in silence as I let my breathing fall back into a normal rhythm.
It's then that I glimpse my legs stretched out on the couch and remember what I need to tell him. My breathing hitches, but he draws my attention back to him. "Is it your head again?" He asks softly. I take a deep breath and shake my head no.
We lock eyes, and I take another deep breath to steady myself. "I can't feel my left leg." I whisper weakly. His eyes widen, and he stands up, coming closer to where my legs rest on the couch. He taps my legs experimentally, gauging my reaction on each. My eyes slowly fill with tears and I drop my head down, staring at my lap. 'Something is wrong with you.' My brain echoes.
"Jay." I look up. Ben's steady gaze is locked on me. "We'll figure this out, okay?" I nod, trying not to let the floodgates release. Ben comes closer, sitting on the floor by the couch.
"How's your head?" He asks. I grimace. "Not great." I plop back against the armrest of the couch as he gently runs his fingers up and down my arm. I close my eyes, letting myself focus on the feeling instead of the constant pain.
"Ben?" I say. "Yeah?" I take a shaky deep breath, opening my eyes. "What... what was that? I couldn't breathe and..." My voice cracks, and I avoid his eyes, even though I can feel his soft gaze on me. "That would be a panic attack I believe." He tells me.
We sit in silence as I process his input. I may not be sure of everything, but I know one thing: I never want to experience that again. The feeling of being utterly consumed by terror, like the walls were closing in on me, is too much. Ben stands up, going back to the front door. "Where are you going?" I ask.
He looks at me confused. "Nowhere. I just dropped the bags by the door." "Oh."Â I say, feeling stupid. He returns to the couch, plastic bags in hand.
"I talked to my dad and then went out to get you some things." He starts pulling things out of the bags and lines them up on the floor where I can see.
"Pain killers, soup, Gatorade, ice packs, and of course, snacks. Especially ice cream." He lists, rising to put things away. I let a soft smile break through, closing my eyes.
My focus is interrupted when my phone rings. I blindly slide my hand around on the table next to me, trying to pick it up. "Hello?" I say. "Jay! Why haven't you been at practice? We're all waiting for you to come back." I rub my eyes, checking the caller ID.
"Devon, do you really have to shout?" I sigh. "I overexerted myself and the doctor says I need to take time off. I'll be back before you know it." I glance down at my leg. 'Hopefully.' I think.
"You better be; Quint is starting to cause trouble around here, trying to turn us against you and take charge himself." Devon warns. "Great." I sigh, mumbling, "Just what I need right now."
"I'm handling it the best I can but I don't know long I can hold him off. We could really use you back here."
I lean my head back on the armrest of the couch. "I know. I should be back soon; don't worry about it too much." "Alright man. I'll let you get some rest. Just call me if you need anything." "You got it. Later Devon." "Bye." I hang up and run a hand down my face.
Ben comes into the room, leaning a shoulder against the wall and crossing his arms as he speaks. "Everything alright?" He asks, cocking his head to the side. "It's nothing." I say, waving a hand at him.
I stare out the window, lost in thought. I jump when Ben sits down at the end of the couch, leaning back. "Didn't quite seem like that." He remarks. I sigh, looking out at the street below. "It's... complicated." I tell him.
"Besides, there's not much I can do about it right now." I rub my head, bothered by its constant ache. "Do you want some painkillers?" Ben asks, leaning forward to catch my attention. "I'm fine." I mumble. He doesn't respond, but I can feel his eyes on me.
I move to stand up, but I'm stuck in place by my dead leg. I sigh. "I really just want to take a nap right now. Can you..." I hesitate. "Can you help me down the hall?" I ask. Ben nods and gets off the couch, picking me up and walking down the hall. He sets me on his bed and throws the covers over me.
"Shout if you need anything." He says, pulling the door closed with a gentle click. I pull the sheets up to my chin, staring at the ceiling. My body is exhausted, but my brain is racing at a hundred miles a minute.
All the problems with my family, friends, and my situation are beginning to take their toll on me. How am I supposed fix everything? How am I supposed to fix myself? I was so tired- tired of hiding my true self, tired of being the weak and vulnerable one. I just wanted to be free of everything.
I rubbed my eyes, trying to push my thoughts out and sleep. I closed my eyes but I just couldn't drift off. I tossed and turned for a bit, but I was struggling to settle and relax. My headache certainly didn't help. After about a half hour of sleeplessness, I let out a big sigh. "Ben?" I shouted. Footsteps resounded down the hall and he cracked open the door. "Yeah?" He asked. I ran a hand down my face in exhaustion. "I can't sleep." I mumbled.
He walked into the room, flipping on the lamp on the bedside table and sitting on the bed by me. "Is something wrong?" He asked.
I avoided his gaze. "Just stuff on my mind I guess." I hesitated. "Let's just go back to the living room. I'm not going to be able to fall asleep anyway." "If that's what you want." He scoops me off the bed and brings me back to the couch, letting me sit up.
"I'm going to get started on some supper. You okay out here?" I nod my head. He starts to walk to the kitchen, but turns back to look at me, leaning on the wall.
"Jay?" I look up. "Yeah?" "I'm here if you want to talk about it. You don't have to bear these burdens alone." I look away as he watches me for a moment. He finally turns and walks back to the kitchen.
I plop my head on the back of the couch and let his words echo in my head. 'You don't have to bear these burdens alone.' I sigh. A sharp pain strikes my head and I mutter a string of curses.
"Geez Jay!" I hear from the kitchen, followed by a chuckle. Ben turns the corner and the grin immediately falls off his face when he sees me. "Are you alright?" He asks softly. "Those painkillers are sounding pretty good right about now." I say, wincing.
He bolts back to the kitchen, returning with the pills, water, and an ice pack. "Thanks." I grimace, swallowing the pills. He sits on the couch and scoots over to me, gently resting the cool ice pack on the back of my neck.
"How's that?" He asks. "A little better." I mumble. He scoots back a bit to give me space, bumping my knee. Wait. My eyes widen and my gaze snaps to him.
"Do that again." I whisper. He looks at me, confused. "Do what?" He questions. "Bump my leg." He shrugs and repeats the movement.
I shake my head in frustration. Although I can't feel it at full force, there's something. Ben watches me in confusion. "What?" He asks. "I can feel that a little bit. It's not much, but it's something."
He thinks for a moment, then lifts my leg onto his lap and starts to massage it. His fingers rub in circular motions, slowly running down the length of my leg.
"Is this helping at all?" I nod. "Keep going. I'm slowly regaining feeling." I close my eyes and try to pinpoint the feeling of his fingers massaging my skin.
I put a hand over his, momentarily stilling his movements. "Hold on." I focus all my concentration into my foot and get my toe to twitch. I lift my hand off his and meet his smile with a giddy grin.
"Okay continue." He moves his fingers down to my foot and continues to work as I close my eyes again and let my upper body sink into the couch.