Luke Reynolds
Ma's not home yet, so I guess she's working the night shift again.
Groaning, I fall back onto the sofa and grab a blanket.
I hate being on my own. Usually when she would work nights or evening shift I would stay over at Adrien's, but as we got older sometimes Trevor would spend the night here instead. It's only since summer that I've had to be by myself.
I'm a people person, I hate being in my own company.
I glance over at the clock it's 9:34 pm, maybe I'll try to have an early night even though I had a nap as soon as I got in from school, I just want to get back into bed.
Sleep seems to be the only way I can escape thinking about everything. I've had enough of having to constantly think inside my own head.
I hate having to remind myself that people do care about me.
I know Trevor cares, he's just going through a lot that he needs to work through on his own and for that he needs space.
And I don't even know how to justify Adrien.
Ugh, I need to stop thinking. I need a break from myself.
Should I try watching something?
I can't seem to concentrate on anything lately. I've not really been reading any comics, and barely kept up to update with webcomic updates. I can't remember the last time I watched anything.
Lazily I grab the remote and turn on Netflix.
Jeez, it's been ages. So much to catch up on.
Grace and Frankie have a whole new season?!
What?!
Can always depend on Frankie to make me laugh.
Episode 2 comes to an end just as I hear the front door open.
Shit! Did I forget to lock the door?
Is it a robber?
What should I do?
Hide?
Run?
Fuck, what do I do?
"Luke?"
Wait.
"Ma?!"
"You okay sweetie, you sound terrified?" Ma asks as she comes rushing into the living room.
She pauses before saying, "I only worked until 10 pm today, 2 till 10, eight-hour shift."
"Oh! I thought you were working until morning."
She shakes her head as she collapses into the sofa beside me.
"Are you watching Grace and Frankie? You said you would watch the new season with me!"
"Sorry, I forgot. I'll stop watching it and then once you've caught up we'll continue it together!" I say trying to make up for my forgetfulness.
I really do hate my brain sometimes.
"You okay, hun?"
"Yeah, I'm alright. How was work?"
"Exhausting, I can already feel a headache coming on! Had a patient do a runner and then got a bollocking for it. I mean I can't physically stop a patient from leaving. Julie keeps trying to escape too, thankfully hasn't made it out the ward doors yet. Brian is pissing everyone off, always screaming and yelling for someone. Lisa went in to ask him if he was okay and he just wanted to complain about the way Sameera did his dressing. For the last four hours of my shift he was begging someone to take him out for a smoke, but we're not allowed to and his brother wouldn't come take him. Then kept asking us to turn his oxygen off, so we kept having to monitor him so he wouldn't smoke in his room. And we can't confiscate his cigarettes either!" Ma groans in frustration before asking, "How was school?"
I lean my head against her arm, as I share my blanket.
"Same old."
Ma wraps me up in her arms, "Luke, talk to me, please. What's going on?"
"Trevor will barely speak to me, I just want to stop walking around eggshells with him but I know he needs time. I just feel like no one wants me around anymore. I know I shouldn't feel so insecure, but I just have all of these thoughts and feel selfish for having them."
Ma hugs me tighter, "I want you around, and so does Trevor. And it's perfectly understandable that you're feeling insecure and left out. You don't need to beat yourself up for having those thoughts. You're only human, love. I know it's difficult right now. Everyone grieves differently, Trevor just needs some time to process and adapt. Losing Charlie is one of the hardest things he'll ever go through. He's probably feeling lost right now and just doesn't know what to do. Have you tried talking to him? Has he opened up at all?"
"He said that he's taking it one day at a time, that he barely has any energy for anything other than school and basketball. Honestly, he seems done with life."
"I've been trying to keep an eye out for Adaobi but I don't think she's left the house since the funeral, I know Esomchi has really thrown himself into the Church. I don't think Trevor has anyone at home to lean on. I don't like the idea of him going through this alone, you should invite him over on the weekend, I wanted to speak to him about possibly seeing a grief counsellor at the hospital."
I nod, "I don't know how opened he'd be to that."
"Well, there's no harm in asking, I do think it would be really beneficial for him to have someone to speak to,"Â Ma says before looking down at me, "Do you think doing two sessions a week would help? Being able to express and talk through your thoughts and feelings is extremely important and you've got a lot going on right now. I'll always be here, but I just think it might be helpful to increase your sessions."
"Maybe," I shrug, "If it helps, I guess there's no harm."
"How are your sessions with Doctor Ames going? We can look at someone else if you want."
"I don't mind Doctor Ames, she's nice. Her strategies to counter negative thoughts work better than what Doctor Patel suggested."
"That's great Luke! I'm proud of you for sticking with it and opening up. But if you ever feel like you can't completely be yourself with Doctor Ames then let me know."
I give Ma a reassuring smile, "I will do Ma."
"Oh and before I forget, I've spoken to work and they've approved my shift change request. But it'll come into effect from next week. I'll be working 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday, so I'll be around for breakfast and dinner."
I can't help but feel relieved. I hate coming home to an empty house.
"Thank you, Ma."
She kisses me on the forehead, "Nothing to thank me for darling. I know I can't magically make things better, but I promise I'll be here for you. Now, have you eaten? I'm absolutely starving."
"I had some snacks and pizza rolls."
"Come on you can help me look through the freezer for something. I'll cook tomorrow., Ma says getting up, and dragging me with her.
I can't help but laugh, I've missed this.
We don't always get to spend time together during the week.
Frozen lasagne, chicken nuggets and potato waffles with veg are what we end up settling on. Just as everything is in the oven. Ma starts boiling the veg.
"So how's Adrien been at school? I know you haven't really spoken, but how does he seem from a distance?"
I was waiting on her to ask about him.
But I shouldn't feel bad, Ma has always thought of Adrien as her adopted son. It wouldn't seem right if she didn't ask about him.
Should I tell her about Matt and Nicki?
"He's more aggressive and short tempered than usual. He put Matt and Nicki in the hospital."
Ma raises an eyebrow, "I never liked either of them, Adrien must have had a good reason. I'll ask around at work tomorrow to find out the extent of their injuries."
That's something that's always annoyed me, Ma never questions Adrien's actions always believing that he had a good reason. He put two people in the fucking hospital and she doesn't even seem angry or disappointed.
I know Nicki and Matt are fucking dicks and a part of me is sorta hoping that the rumors are true that they won't be able to qualify to be on the basketball team, but still putting someone in the hospital is serious. If we didn't live in this fucked up town Adrien would have been arrested by now. He can't keep thinking that he'll always get away with this shit. Not everything needs to be resolved with violence.
"How are tryouts going?"
"Adrien and Trevor are neck and neck in pretty much everything. I think Coach might make them co-captains."
Ma hums in thought before asking, "How did you find tryouts?"
I can't help but smile, "the fastest one by far!"
Ma laughs ruffling my hair, "my little Sonic Zoom, just need to dye your hair blue."
I can't help but laugh too, "How would you feel about me possibly dying my hair?"
"Just don't bleach it. If you want it bleaching I'll take you to a salon. You won't have any hair to dye if it all falls out. And don't be dying your hair by yourself."
Just as I'm about to ask what colour I should dye it, my phone rings.
The only person to ever ring me is standing next to me.
"Answer your phone, I wonder who it is," Ma says and I know she's thinking the same thing as me.
I legit have 7 contacts in my phone. It's probably a spam caller.
I grab my phone off the chair, "it's Adrien," I state quite confused.
Why would he be ringing me? He never rings me. Barely even texts me.
Is everything okay?
Is he in trouble?
"Answer before it stops ringing," Ma says coming to stand next to me, I can tell she's worried.
Adrien rarely calls.
I quickly swipe the answer button, "Hey Adrien! You okay?"
Has he actually been arrested? Did he seriously waste his one phone call on me? To be fair, he wouldn't really have anyone else to call, probably thinks Ma is on the night shift.
Fuck, I don't know how to bail anyone out of prison.
"Yeah I'm good, what you up to?"
Small talk? Maybe he's not locked up. So why did he call?
"Ma just got back from work, so we're making dinner."
"Oh, I can call back later or speak to you tomorrow -"
"It's okay, nothing made yet so I can talk," I say quickly, I kinda don't want him to hang up.
I need to make sure he's okay. Adrien never calls, what if he's standing on a bridge right now? Or sitting in the bathroom with cut wrists and a bottle of pulls.
I know I can't forgive him for hurting Trevor, but I can't just hang up on him.
"Okay, tell Ma I said hi."
"Adrien says hi Ma."
Ma smiles and grabs the phone off me, "Adrien! Oh hunny I've missed your voice and face! When are you going to pay your poor Ma a visit?... I'll make your favourite on Saturday for dinner, and you can sleep over just like old times! I'm not working over the weekend... Sounds like a plan darling, I can't wait to see you! Right, I'll give Luke the phone back, talk for as long as you like!" Ma replies happily, passing me the phone.
"Hey," I say walking out of the kitchen, "So are you defo coming on Saturday?"
I don't know if I want him too or not. But I know it would make Ma really happy. She hasn't seen him in ages. I know she's been worried. Plus if he is about to kill himself maybe this will stop him, Adrien may be a dick but he never breaks promises. And I know he must have promised Ma he'll come over, we both know she doesn't stop until he promises.
"Yeah, I'll be there. I've missed hanging out and Ma's cooking."
"You eat far too many microwave meals," I reply ignoring the fact that he said he missed hanging out.
"They're fast and easy. I don't have the patience to cook."
Is it rude if I outright ask him why he called?
He wouldn't have called just to chat.
I mean this is Adrien, he answers the phone with 'what'.
"How come you called?"
"Er, I just wanted to talk. I've missed you and Trevor."
Oh, really?
"You're never one to reach out first," The words slip out before I can stop myself. It's not that I'm accusing him of lying, but it just doesn't all too like Adrien.
He goes quiet for a second.
I knew he wasn't telling the whole truth.
"Well, erm, Ethan said I should just give you a call. I guess it was the push I needed to reach out."
"Ethan?"
"Yeah, you know who was in our group for warm-ups."
"Yeah no I know who Ethan is, I just didn't realise you two spoke. Or were close enough for you to open up..."
Adrien talking to someone nicely that isn't Trevor or Ma?
Adrien talking about issues to someone who isn't Trevor or Ma?
Did he really not want to talk to me that much that he found someone else?
No Luke, snap out of it. Adrien's allowed to have other friends.
I know, it just hurts that he wouldn't talk to me first.
Why did he need someone else to tell him to call?
Why couldn't he just pick up the phone himself?
Did he really need convincing?
"Luke? You still there?"
"Yeah sorry, I zoned out. What were you saying?"
"Ethan and I aren't really close. He just told me to give you a call because I wouldn't shut up about you. He said it was obvious that I missed you both, and that I just needed to reach out. Made me realise that nothing will ever change if we don't talk. And I know communication is something I'm quite terrible with, but I promise I'll try to do better. I really do want you and Trevor around. I know you have both been there for me so much in the past, especially when Dad died. There's so much I should have done differently when Charlie died, I should have been there for you both for starters. Luke, I'm so sorry. I still want to be there, if that's okay with you."
I didn't think Adrien had it in him to apologise.
I didn't even think he missed me.
I didn't think I mattered enough to be missed.
Does he really love me?
Does he really want me in his life?
Or is he just saying this because Ethan told him to?
No, Adrien doesn't lie. He may be a dick, but he's not a liar.
He wouldn't say it unless he really meant it.
I can always trust him to tell me the truth.
"Luke?"
"Yeah, sorry I'm processing. I wasn't expecting you to say all that."
"It's okay, I don't expect any kind of response now. You can shout or scream at me if you want, I know I deserve it."
Maybe I should just yell at him and get everything off my chest.
But what use is yelling? He'll just end up blocking me out and not listen. It's just not an effective way to communicate.
Taking a deep breath I try to centre myself before I say anything.
This is my one shot to be heard.
"You just left Adrien, Charlie died and you walked away. You didn't show up, just disappeared. Trevor needed you, and you weren't there. His brother died and he needed his best friend and he couldn't even find you. Mr and Mrs Chidubem completely shut down, so he couldn't even talk to them. He needed you more than he has ever needed you and you weren't there. He wouldn't talk to me, and then he just shut down too. I needed you too, I needed you to just be there. You made me feel like I didn't matter enough to you. Like I never mattered. Like you just didn't care about us. Trevor still feels like you don't care about him. I don't know if Trevor will forgive you. And if he doesn't, I won't either. Adrien, you can't just treat people like this and then think an apology will fix it all.
"I'm sick and tired of being treated like this by you. Ever since we were little I feel like I have to change who and how I am around you so you don't get annoyed and frustrated. I don't want to make myself smaller around you and or have this nagging voice in my head that I'm just pissing you off. I hate feeling like you hate me.
"You never want to talk about anything serious with me, constantly treating me like a kid that's always getting on your nerves and now you want to talk? You expect me to believe that you miss me?
"You wouldn't even let me grieve around you when Pops died and then Charlie dies and you just disappear. I know you have difficulty displaying any emotion other than anger and annoyance, but that doesn't mean the rest of us should shut down around you too. I know Pops wouldn't want us fighting, but right now I don't even know if I want you in my life."
--
Oof
Thoughts?