Trevor Chidubem
They fell asleep before the episode ended, so much for staying awake.
I stare at them both fast asleep, Ethan leaning against Adrien's arm and Adrien's head resting on Ethan's hair.
I smile at the fact that they look so comfortable together.
Ethan definitely needs someone he can lean on, and Adrien can be a pretty great guy. I just hope Adrien is in a stable enough place right now.
He seemed to be quite unsteady earlier, I wish I'd known about what was really going on with him through summer. I guess I sort of suspected it but... I just didn't care. Charlie had just died, and I could not bring myself to give a single fuck about anything. I didn't care that Adrien had completely disappeared. I didn't care that Luke was clearly struggling.
I just didn't care.
My little brother was dead.
Is dead.
I let the tears roll down my face, there's no point in wiping them.
Charlie's gone.
It doesn't matter how much I tell myself that, it just doesn't seem real.
I lean my head against the back of the sofa exhaling heavily.
He's dead.
Sighing I rub my forehead, my headache is getting worse.
Quietly I get up and wander to the kitchen. I grab some pain killers and pour myself a glass of water.
I never thought I'd be standing in this kitchen again. I was so sure that I was done with Adrien, done with all his shit.
But... fuck.
It's not really shit though. He's depressed.
He deserves another chance.
He beats himself up far too much. Yeah he should have been there for me, but I get it.
Adrien's not been okay since his dad passed away. I know he's slowly getting back to his old self, but he is different. Charlie passing away would have brought up a lot for him, I should have realised sooner that he would have had to go back to the psych ward.
As understanding as I'm trying to be, I can't help but feel hurt and let down. After all the times I've been there for him...
No I can't think like that, I can't be selfish.
He couldn't be there, and I saw first hand how he was when his Dad died. A mess is a complete understatement. I don't even know how Elaine got him to leave the hospital, when he came home he practically lived at the bottom of the stairs waiting for him to come home. No amount of explaining would get through to him. Going to the funeral, seeing his Dad in the casket broke him all over again. He just didn't understand, and I don't think he fully does now. When Elaine left he just shut down further. We didn't even realise she'd gone until about a week after, Adrien kept saying she'd be back just gone on a business trip. Ma and Luke moved in for a bit but Adrien just kept getting worse. He was completely unpredictable, he'd spend days awake just laying in bed staring at the ceiling immobile, wouldn't shower or eat nothing. Then there would be days where he'd be angry all day and all night, screaming throwing things until the point where he'd blackout. Ma couldn't get through to him, after his first fit of rage Luke stayed over at ours but no one really told him just how bad it was.
His meds had been changed to a higher dose and he'd been given an anxiety one too for the panic attacks, but Ma didn't realise he hadn't been taking them. He had his old meds that he hadn't finished, at least a 2 months supply plus a month supply of his new ones. One night he decided to take all three months worth in one go. Ma had heard his body drop to the floor so went to check on him. It's a good job she found him when she did, he hadn't eaten in 2 days and was unconscious. He spent 8 month in the psych ward. He missed a whole year at school, only made up for it because he was able to submit things on the school portal. I still don't know if Luke knows, Adrien hated telling him anything related to his episodes and at the end of the day it wasn't something for me to share.
I should have realised that he'd struggle so much with Charlie's death. But I was going through the first stages of grief. I wasn't focusing on anything but Charlie.
I start to feel a little sick, shouldn't have taken the painkillers on an empty stomach.
Adrien's probably just going to have microwave meals, I think to myself as I open the fridge.
There's a mountain of microwave meals, a block of cheese, salad, milk, orange juice, and some deli meats. It's better than usual.
I wonder if he has any bread, I'll make myself a sandwich.
I rummage around the cupboards to see them full to the brim with snacks, weird Adrien's not a big fan of snacking. On a closer look, I see that it's Luke and I's favourite snacks. Did he not tell Maya to stop buying them?
I grab a pack of mixed fruit and nuts from Adrien's stash instead of bothering with a sandwich, it's too much effort. I write down what I've taken on the shopping list on the fridge, not that he needs anymore packets but it's a habit.
Just as I go to sit down, I hear Adrien's alarm ringing. I make my way to the living room.
He's still waking up at 5 am? Such a health nut.
One lie in won't hurt, he's barely slept, is what I tell myself as I reach into his jacket and pull his phone out to turn the alarm off. As I'm checking to see if there are any other alarms the 15% battery notification pops up. I might as well put it on charge.
I head upstairs, first Adrien's room and then the guest room Luke and I claimed as our own.
I look around the room, Adrien really hasn't changed anything. It's exactly as we left it, apart from the bed covers but I guess Maya must have changed those. I smile as I look at all the crooked pictures Luke put on the walls, some in frames and some taped up.
I stare at the picture of Adrien, Luke and me holding up our ribbons on sports day. It was our first ever picture together, we were 3 or 4 at the time.
Luke and I have known each other since we were born, our mothers became friends during their pregnancies. Nne said that Ma moved into the house opposite ours whilst 4 months pregnant with Luke. Nne and Nna helped Ma move in, and they've been friends ever since. We met Adrien when we first started school at around 3.
It's crazy to think so much time has passed. I look at all the pictures taken of us over the years. Every sports day, Easter egg hunt, Halloween, Christmas party, and school fair. We've always done everything together. And then Charlie was born when we were 8. Pictures of when Luke and Adrien first met him, each of us holding him.
I stare at the picture of Charlie and Adrien sleeping together, Charlie fast asleep on Adrien's chest, Charlie must have been 3 at the time. I can remember the day like it was yesterday. Charlie wanted to come to the park with us but Nne wouldn't let us take him and told us to stay home too. Adrien and Luke really wanted to go, they'd got into skateboarding that summer, so hatched a plan to put Charlie down for a nap and then go. Charlie ended up putting Adrien to sleep before falling asleep himself. I still recall Luke's laughter as he took the picture.
Nne would never ever let us take Charlie out unsupervised. Even as Charlie got older. I guess it all makes sense now.
I don't understand why Nne and Nna would hide Charlie's condition from me. Didn't I have a right to know?
I would have spent more time with Charlie. I would have stayed home more, and made the most of our holidays. I wouldn't have been so focused on going out to the park, or the arcade. I wouldn't have priorotised Luke and Adrien over Charlie.
I should have maximised my time with Charlie, and made the most of it whilst I could. Now he's gone and all I have are pictures.
Sighing, I continue looking around the room until I see a picture of Luke and me. We must have been around 14 at the time. It was a few months before we found out about Adrien's Dad's cancer. It was one of the last times Luke had ever really looked happy, genuinely happy. His eyes are sparkling as if the sun's shining directly into them; that big smile of his that's able to uplift anyone.
I miss seeing him that happy.
I know he's struggling at the moment, and I really wish I could do more to help him. But right now I'm barely getting through each day.
I go to school because I'm Luke's ride to and from. But after that, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't like being at home. I don't have the energy to deal with anyone. I want to be alone but even alone I don't know how to just be. I feel like I'm in a state of limbo.
I don't know how to stop feeling like this.
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Thoughts?