Trevor Chidubem
The doorbell ringing forces me to wake up enough to open my eyes.
I slowly look around and realise I'm at Adrien's.
Why the fuck was the doorbell ringing?
Adrien never gets visitors.
It starts ringing again, making me groan aloud before attempting to get up. That's when I realise Luke is sprawled out on top of me.
Gently, I shake his shoulders trying to get him up but he just presses himself further into my chest.
"Luke there's someone at the door, get up."
Damn, I wish I was a heavy sleeper.
"Come on," I say, trying to sit up a bit.
The doorbell rings once again.
"For fucks sake," I mutter, sitting up properly.
Luke manoeuvres himself into a sitting position with his eyes still closed, "What?"
I yank the door open with far too much force.
"Delivery for Trevor?" The guy asks looking at a white slip, "erm, message from Adrien? Training starts in 2 hours?" The guy looks back at me with a shrug, holding out a white plastic bag.
I blink at him twice before taking the bag.
"Who was that?" Luke asks as I sit back down next to him.
"Delivery guy."
"Oo what did you order?"
I shrug passing him the bag before leaning back on the sofa and closing my eyes.
That power nap was definitely needed, but now I just want to go back to sleep for a good 12 hours.
"Adrien ordered us lunch?!"
"Knew we'd complain about the microwave meals."
"I think he's being nice."
"Too nice."
"Well, he's got a lot of making up to do. Oh man he didn't get me noodles."
"Probably a good idea," I mutter under my breath.
"He got you duck and me chicken. There's fried rice and spring rolls too!" Luke exclaims happily.
"Come on, we'll eat in the kitchen," I say getting up.
I grab us plates, glasses and cutlery.
We eat in silence for a bit, I manage to eat a few bites before feeling full. I attempt to not make it obvious that I'm just pushing food around but Luke catches on.
"You're done?"
"Yeah, not hungry."
Luke nods, quiet for a moment contemplating before speaking up, "For how long?"
I shoot him a questioning look.
"For how long have you been not hungry?" He clarifies gently, still watching me.
"I've just not had an appetite since..."
I don't need to finish for him to know what I mean.
It's not even that I'm starving myself, I just don't feel hungry anymore. I've completely lost my appetite.
Luke nods, "Is it not feeling hungry or not having the energy to eat?"
I shrug, "I don't know, both I guess."
"Is there anything that encourages you to eat?"
I think over all the times I've eaten recently, "I guess if I'm eating with someone? When we eat together at lunch or this morning I had breakfast with Ethan. I don't actually eat when I'm alone unless I start feeling sick and know it's because I haven't eaten so I snack on something like dried fruit or nuts or make a sandwich."
I hadn't even noticed that I'd barely been eating.
"We'll eat together more often. What else are you struggling with?"
"Sleeping," I answer without even having to think about it.
I don't even know how I was getting through each day, fuck I don't even know the last time I slept without having to rely on blacking out after so many all-nighters in a row.
Luke nods, "What are you doing instead of sleeping?"
I know if I tell him he'll get mad, but we promised to be honest with each other.
I'm still surprised Adrien knew where to me find me.
"At the waterfall."
His eyes go wide, "Your spending your nights at the waterfall?!"
I just nod in response.
"Trevor! You can't be doing that, it's getting colder. It was 3° last night! I literally don't care what time it is, just come over. And you know Ma won't care, think she'll prefer you sneaking in at late hours than spending the night outside alone in the cold."
I nod, "Okay," I don't really have the energy to argue with him.
Luke looks at me for a minute, as if debating whether or not to say what he's thinking, but I know Luke and the words will tumble out one way or another, "Do you want to go with me to my next grief support group meeting? Everyone is really nice and you don't have to speak if you don't want to, you can just sit and listen to everyone else. Sometimes it's nice to just know that you're not alone in the way you're feeling. People share their coping strategies and some of them are helpful."
"I'll think about it," I say and I will.
"You know, I'm here if you want to talk about anything at all, right? Or if you just need a distraction. Like I will literally talk your ear off about just about anything. Even spiders, hell I'll even go look for random shit in the woods with you. Just please don't forget that I care about you, and I'm here. I'm here for you, no matter what."
I can't help but smile, as I reach over and take his hand.
Luke absolutely despises spiders.
"I know Luke, I know and I'm sorry I haven't really been present recently," Luke goes to object but I gently squeeze his hand before continuing, "I know we briefly spoke yesterday, but I think having a proper talk is what we both need.
"I know you say I've got nothing to apologise for, but Luke I knew, I know how miserable you've been and I did nothing to help and every time I'd see you I'd just feel more and more guilty for not being there for you. And I- it's not like I was oblivious to you want me there. Every time you'd invite me over or try to have a conversation and I'd just not give. I am sorry Luke.
"I had no energy, not even to ask how you were doing. I was giving all I had left to get through the day. It's fucking exhausting going to school and getting through basketball whilst all the while keeping absolutely neutral.
"Basketball tryouts are just passing in a blur, I can't even keep track of the days never mind what happens on each one. I can't remember the last time I played a video game or read a comic. Nothing brings me any joy anymore. I just want everything to be done before it even starts. I'm just so fucking done with everything Luke. And I'm so fucking tired." My voice cracks towards the ends. I take my hand away from Lukes, to cover my face.
Fuck, I didn't think I'd cry.
Luke doesn't waste any time coming around to me and wrapping his arms around me.
I trap him between my legs, letting my arms go around his waist. He gently holds my head against him, stoking my hair and neck.
"It's okay to cry, Trev."
It's as if that's all my mind needs to hear.
I sob into his shirt, "I just want him back, Luke. I just want Charlie back."
He rubs my back soothingly, "I know Trevor, I know," before quietly adding, "me too."
I don't know how long I cry for as Luke holds me close. But it feels like a relief to get it off my chest.
I haven't been able to cry like this since Charlie died.
I haven't had anyone there to hold me whilst I cry.
"Home doesn't even feel like home anymore. Nne hasn't left her room since the funeral, I go in to check on her before and after school but she just lays there staring at nothing. She won't speak, she won't move. She won't do anything. The silence is suffocating. Nna has thrown himself into the Church, reciting sermon after sermon, but it doesn't bring me the peace that it should. I spend more time at the waterfall than I do at home, I just can't stand being there. I can't stand being anywhere. I hate being at home; I hate being at school. I hate the world and I hate myself."
"Trevor I said it before and I'll say it again. You are more than welcome at mine any time you like. And no you'll never be a burden to us Trevor before you even go there. You've still got your key, right?"
I nod. Ma gave Adrien and me keys many years ago, telling us that her home would always be a place we're welcome.
"You can come over whenever you like, whether it's after school or at 2 am. I'd much rather you be someplace safe and warm than outside. And my bed is much cosier than the waterfall," Luke says with a light chuckle before pressing a kiss to the top of my head.
I can't help but close my eyes and lean against him further.
"I wish I could make you stop hating yourself, Trevor. But just know that Charlie dying was not your fault, it wasn't anyone's fault. And I know you feel guilty for not spending more time with him, but Trev you didn't know. You need to stop beating yourself up about not knowing. There was no way for you to know. And after you found out about Charlie's condition, you did everything you possibly could to maximise your time together. And even before you knew about the condition, you were the best brother to Charlie, he looked up to you so much.
"I mean his first word was Trevor. You were his favourite person in the whole world, in the entire universe. If that doesn't say something, I don't know what will. The amount of weekends we spent over at yours because you wanted to hang out with him despite him being a whole 8 years younger. Trevor, even before you knew you did your best to spend as much time with him as possible because you were the best big brother.
"You built him that treehouse because you knew he'd love it. You taught him all about the stars, the galaxies, and the big bang. He loved dinosaurs because of you. He was the sweet, accepting, caring, loving boy he was because of you. You showed him that it was okay to live a little, that crying was just as important as laughing. The only thing I can't give you credit for is his love for the colour orange. You loved him unconditionally and he knew that. That's all that matters, so please stop hating yourself."
--
Quite the emotional chapter...
Thoughts?