Luke Reynolds
"Go back to sleep," Trevor mumbles sleepily into my hair.
"It's cold, let me close the window," I untangle myself from him.
I pull the curtain back, pausing for a second as the starry night catches my attention. There's nothing like a star-filled sky.
I go to close the window when Ma's car rattles down the street. She needs a new car, but she's unwilling to part with the memories the car holds. I mean I don't blame her, some of my best childhood memories with Ma are of us driving around on a night. She'd have a night off but never able to sleep, so we'd drive around singing and talking, stopping at McDonald's for chicken nuggets. I know it's probably not considered great parenting, but it was our thing. May explain my slightly fucked up sleep schedule, but I wouldn't change it for anything.
"Come back to bed," Trevor grumbles.
"I will in a second, let me just make sure Ma gets in okay."
I watch her park the car and get out. She double-checks the lock on the car before walking into the garden.
"Addy!" I hear Ma shout.
Is Adrien sitting outside in the cold?
I thought he'd be asleep by now. Him and his 4 am starts.
I feel arms wrap around me, as he rests his chin on my shoulder, "I thought you were sleeping."
"Figured you'd be cold," he whispers tiredly.
I can't help but smile, leaning back against him.
Always putting others' needs above his own.
I listen out for the door closing, but the sound never comes, instead, all I can hear is their conversation. It's dead at night, so I can hear them clearly.
Did Ma visit Adrien two and half weeks ago?
Before school started? Why?
I mean not that she can't.
She does consider him her adopted son after all.
I just didn't realise she continued to see him.
The whole summer no one hears from or sees Adrien, but Ma?
It just seems strange.
Why didn't Ma tell me she was seeing him?
Is she hiding things from me?
What else don't I know?
I don't mind Adrien and Ma having a relationship, I just don't like being kept in the dark about things.
But do I have any right to know what they talk about? Or that she visits him?
Ma considers Adrien a second son. She doesn't need my approval or permission to see or speak to Adrien.
I'm being insecure.
"Come on, close the window and let's go back to bed," Trevor says more awake now.
"I'll just wait here until they go inside."
"They'll be fine, they've got each other. Come on," Trevor says holding my hand.
I'm about to let him pull me back into bed when I hear Adrien say, "Trevor knows why but Luke doesn't know everything."
What don't I know?
I thought he cleared everything up on the phone the other night.
"Luke come on, this conversation isn't for our ears," Trevor says, worry clear in his voice.
He doesn't want me to hear what Adrien is going to tell Ma.
"Why don't you want me to hear what he has to say? What do you know that I don't?"
"Luke I'd tell you if I could, truly I would. But it's not my thing to share. Adrien will tell you when he's ready, this isn't the way to find out. Come on let's close the window and go to bed."
I shake my head staying rooted in my spot.
Trevor reaches out to close the window but I grab his arm, "Don't. I'm sick of being kept in the dark because you all think I can't take it."
"Luke. This isn't right and that's not what we think-"
I shush him as I hear Adrien speak up again.
"I dunno... At the time it just felt like I was using it as an excuse, I didn't want him to think it was a copout. And I already know I kinda fucked up by not telling him because he said that he didn't like it when I don't share important things with him and when I keep him in the dark to protect him like he's a kid."
So if he knows that then why is he still hiding things?
"But it's not that."
Like hell, it isn't.
"I just don't want him to think more lowly of me."
Adrien cares what I think of him?
But more importantly, why would I think lowly of him?
"And I didn't want it to seem like my grief was worse than his, ya know? You can't measure grief.
So why did he always make it seem like what he's going through is worse than anything anyone else could feel?
"When Dad died, Luke didn't seem to quite grasp that I just couldn't control how I felt. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and my brain had just forgotten how to function. Elaine leaving was just the final straw. I know Luke tried to talk to me even after I got discharged, but I wasn't- I wasn't functioning properly. Going back to an empty house, nothing prepares you for that. Not even 8 months in a psych ward."
Did I expect Adrien to act like he was okay after he got discharged?
I guess I thought staying 8 months there would have helped him process enough to be
open to talking about things.
I had to go through grieving Pops without him. When he got discharged, I tried leaning on him. Tried to get him to talk to show that we could lean on each other. I thought sharing would help us both.
Was I wrong to do that?
"I do still regret how I treated Luke, and I was just so afraid of me doing the same when Charlie died. I didn't want to fuck up again. Luke and I haven't been completely okay for the past 2 years, and I didn't want to add to that. But I knew I had to be there because I really fucking hadn't when Dad died."
He wanted to be there?
I thought he just chose to disappear.
I know he explained on the phone that it was just too much for him to handle.
But I just... I don't know... I was still hurt even after the explanation. That phone call didn't just magically take the hurt and pain he caused away.
"And Trevor basically moved in after I got discharged, he helped me through so fucking much and was a constant reminder that the house wasn't completely empty. And fuck, Charlie fucking died. Charlie. His little brother, his entire universe for the past 10 years just gone. Nothing can possibly prepare you for the kind of hurt, anger, sadness, and helplessness you feel after something like that. I knew I had to be there for him. I just couldn't stop overthinking and driving myself crazy with all the thoughts. I kept thinking over and over that I had to go back, that I was already fucking up, that it was going to be exactly like when Dad died, that everyone just ends up fucking leaving. I wasn't thinking straight, just obsessing and panicking."
I don't understand.
He wanted to be there.
He really does regret not being there for Trevor and me.
I can hear it in his voice. He really is beating himself up about it. He regrets it and feels guilty.
So what happened?
He knew, as soon as he processed the fact he left he wanted to go back, so why didn't he?
If he felt so strongly about it, why did he wait so many months before speaking to either one of us?
"Luke come on, that's enough listening now," Trevor says sternly closing the window.
He tries pulling me to the bed but I don't move not knowing how to process what I just heard.
"Luke?"
"I don't understand. If he wanted to be there so much, why wait so many months to even talk to us? I get that he's saying it was too much for him to handle in the moment. But what about the many moments after that? It just doesn't make sense. What don't I know?"
Like always it feels like I'm missing some crucial information.
Trevor sighs before pulling me to the bed.
He rests against the frame as I sit in between his legs, my back leaning against his chest.
"He crashed his car trying to come back to the hospital, went to the hospital and they put him on suicide watch. I'm assuming he was showing signs of being a danger to himself and possibly others. He needed to be admitted to the psych ward again. He was there for some weeks. That's why he missed Charlie's funeral. That's why he wasn't there during summer, why no one saw or heard from him. It wasn't his fault Luke."
Trevor tightens his arms around me and I grip his arm.
So he really couldn't help not being there?
When he says it was too much to handle for him, he literally meant too much.
I guess Adrien was right, maybe I was treating him saying it was too much to handle like a copout.
I just... I thought he could push through it.
I was. Am.
But...
He couldn't.
And I guess I held that against him.
I thought if I could struggle through it, so could he. That we're all finding it difficult. That if we can manage, so can he. If Trevor can keep going after losing his brother, so can we.
But we're not all the same.
Adrien's right, you can't measure grief. We all go through it differently, we all process things differently. It affects us differently.
I need to be more understanding.
I said so much shit to him on the phone the other night. But I was honest about how I felt, so it needed to be said.
I've been so focused on how he has been making me feel these past two years that I don't think I've considered how he must be feeling.
Is this why Adrien doesn't share things with me?
He doesn't feel comfortable telling me stuff because he feels like I judge him for it.
Do I judge him for it?
Do I hold it against him?
Do I expect him to just get on with it regardless?
When he came back from the psych ward after Pops died, I guess I did.
I was ignorant. And I didn't understand.
I still don't fully understand.
But how am I going to if I don't start trying?
Fuck. I am a shitty friend.
"I forgive him Luke, and I think you should too. Holding on to this hurt, pain, anger... it's just not worth it. He tried to be there, he did and that's enough. He's beating himself up for everything already, he doesn't need us adding to it. I love him and just want him to be okay. I want us all to be okay again. I know you're still carrying the hurt from two years ago in your heart too, and I understand why. But your relationship with him isn't going to move forward if there's no forgiveness. I know it'll take time, he needs to regain your trust and respect. I'm just asking you to let him in. Don't keep pushing him away. Have your boundaries, but give him a chance. He's still the Adrien we grew up with."
Trevor's right.
Like always, he's right.
After Pops died, I felt abandoned by Adrien. I needed, no wanted him there. I wanted us to share our grief, to make it easier. I wanted us to be brothers going through the same thing.
But he wasn't there. And when he came back and I did try talking to him he'd just walk away or to the point where he refused to be in the same room as me. I still remember him screaming at me that Pops wasn't my Dad. That I should just get over. That I'd never understand what he was going through. That I didn't know what it was like to lose a father because I've never had one.
It still hurts now thinking back.
Pops came into my life when I was 3, at 5 he watched me every time Ma had night shift which was 4 out of 7 nights. I was calling him Pop-Pops by 6. He was the only father figure in my life, and he treated me like a son. There was no difference in how he treated me and Adrien. We shared laughs, tears and all the telling-offs. I celebrated every father's day with him, just like how Adrien celebrates every mother's day with Ma and me. We even alternated every Christmas and Easter.
Pops was as much a father to me as Ma is a mother to Adrien.
I took everything he said to heart and haven't forgiven him since. He's apologised many times, but I just can't.
He wished I'd never come into his life. That I needed to stop calling him a brother, I wasn't family. He told me he hated me.
He told me he didn't mean it, that he was angry and hurting and didn't know what he was saying.
But I believed him.
A part of me still does.
--
I wrote this chapter on the plane.
I'm proud of Luke. It's not easy to put your feelings aside and try and understand someone else. And it's even harder to work on forgiving someone when they've hurt you so badly.