Trevor Chidubem
Luke's asleep sprawled out across my chest, I stroke through his hair gently watching the rise and fall in his chest.
Luke didn't say a word to me after I asked him to forgive Adrien.
Am I being selfish by asking Luke to forgive Adrien for all the shit he has said in the past? Adrien really did hurt Luke with his words, does Luke feel like I'm just brushing all that off by asking him to forgive Adrien?
Groaning quietly I close my eyes. What am I supposed to do with these two? I don't want to be caught in the middle of them, I don't have the energy for the constant bickering and back and forth. They really do act like siblings, hate each other as much as they love each other. Would Charlie and I have been like this? Charlie and I have a greater age difference so maybe not. I'd hope not.
I still can't believe he's gone.
When I leave here, he won't be waiting for me by the door asking why I was gone for so long and then get upset that I had a sleepover without him. I won't try to win over by saying I'll play Mario Kart.
I would have loved to have seen his surprise and happiness at finding out Adrien and I became co-captains. I can imagine him cheering, running around the room and then tackling the both of us into hugs. He'd have been ecstatic.
A small smile tugs at my lips at the bittersweet thought.
Why'd the world have to take him so soon?
Why couldn't God let us have more time with him?
He was just a kid.
I can't believe it's already been nearly 3 months. I think about the day he died over and over, it feels like it was just last week we were all gathered around his hospital bed. He told us to smile, he wanted to go laughing. He said if that was the last time we were going to see him, then he wanted us to remember him happy. So we sat around him sharing stories of happier times, and we all laughed with unshed tears in our eyes.
We were talking about the time we'd gone ice skating together, laughing about how Luke had fallen face flat, but it was one of those slow-motion falls. Adrien had managed to capture it all on his phone. Charlie had thrown his head back laughing, eyes shut. It's as if he'd gone to catch his breath but never did. Everyone was busy laughing and asking to watch the video again, Ma had Adrien's phone.
But I was watching Charlie, I watched him take his last breath. I caught Adrien's eye and he was watching too. As soon as the flatline rang out, the room went silent for a brief second before the alarm started ringing, there was a pause before Nne got up to shake him, she was shouting his name but I knew it was no use. Everyone was standing over Charlie, Nna screaming for a doctor or nurse but the alarm was ringing over his words. I stayed rooted in my spot silently watching. Adrien slowly walked backwards out of the room as Ma started CPR, Luke was crying, Nne kept saying his name over and over begging him to come back to her. Nurses rushed in first telling us to move out of the way or step outside.
But it was no use trying to save him, he was gone.
That moment plays over in my mind on a constant loop. The way his eyes lit up watching the video, the way he looked up to meet my eye smiling before going back to watching Luke fall. The way he closed his eyes before throwing his head back laughing.
He knew he was dying, he knew he didn't have long left but instead of being full of hate and anger, he smiled and laughed.
I'm here for a good time not a long time.
He used to say that all the time laughing. Nne would always be cautious about him going out and trying new stuff. Convincing her to let him go ice skating seemed like mission impossible. She wouldn't stop telling us stories about kids who got their limbs amputated, a kid that somehow went blind going ice skating... her stories got more and more ridiculous as she tried to deter us. But Charlie just laughed and said, "Nne, I'm here for a good time not a long time." Nna yelled at him, but Nne slowly came around to the idea. I should have realised sooner that he was dying, but it just never seemed like a possibility even when he said shit like that.
How could I have been so blind to what he was going through?
Nne homeschooled him, his regular doctor visits and random hospital stays. Nne just brushed it off as him being a kid that gets ill often. Nothing more than a slightly weakened immune system, nothing major.
I never thought they'd hide something like this, so I never questioned it.
Slowly I slide out of bed, careful not to disturb Luke. I overstep the one floorboard that always creaks before opening the door.
"What you doing up?" Adrien asks quietly making me jump.
I make my way down the stairs avoiding the two creaky ones, "What time is it?"
"6:30 ish," He replies as I sit beside him on the carpeted floor.
"Why are you sitting on the floor at the bottom of the stairs?"
"I was debating going for a run," He says sighing loudly, "What are you doing up?"
He's sighing, never a good sign.
"Randomly woke up and started overthinking shit."
He leans his head against my shoulder, "Same to the overthinking shit."
Something's definitely wrong.
"Have you slept?"
"No," Sighing again.
Just how long has he been sitting here? Did he not sleep after his talk with Ma?
"Wanna talk about it?" I ask cautiously. Adrien's mood swings can be quite extreme at times. Has he been taking his meds? Does he have them on him?
"I miss Dad," His voice shakes and I know he's on the verge of crying, "so fucking much."
"I miss Charlie," I reply leaning my head against his, letting a stray tear roll down my cheek.
We sit like that in silence, for who knows how long.
"He left me a notebook. I haven't had the courage to look through it yet," I find myself saying.
Why am I bringing it up?
"Why?" He asks confused.
I shrug, "I dunno. I wanna read it, but once I do that's it."
Reading the notebook feels so final, after I've finished reading it there won't be anything else. That'll be it. Charlie won't have anything else to say to me. Right now it feels like the notebook is keeping me connected to him in some way and once I've finished it that connection won't be there. It's the last thing I have of his, and I just want to hold on to it, prolong it for as long as I can.
"You're afraid that if you read it you'll realise he is actually gone and there's nothing you can possibly do to bring him back? That it might actually help you through your grief and you don't want to stop feeling this way? Because the way you feel right now lets you continue to feel close to him. Because right now he's a constant loop in your mind, the pain feels so fresh and real and no matter what you do you can't forget the fact that he's gone. And reading this notebook might make things easier to accept and you don't want that, not right now. You're not ready for his goodbye, and that's okay."
His goodbye.
I can't even admit to myself that that's what it is.
"It just feels so unreal. It's nearly three months later and I still can't process the fact that I won't see him again. All this bullshit about time making it easier, and settling into a new routine. The more time that passes the more I realise just how lonely the house is without him. You know I can count on one hand how many times I've seen Nne since we came home from the hospital? I'm including the funeral and wake in that number. Hallie hardly leaves Nne's side so I barely see her. And Nna will not shut up about this being God's decision and nothing changes destiny. The last thing I need right now is to hear about how this is God's will. Because, and I know this is blasphemous to say but, it's really making me hate God and religion. Every time I'm at home it feels like the house is closing in on me, it's why I spend so much time at the waterfall. If Charlie's death taught me anything, it's just how alone I am especially at home."
"You're not alone Trey, you've got us. Adrien, Ma and me, we're here for you no matter what," Luke says sitting beside me. I didn't even hear him come down the stairs. I take his hand giving it a light squeeze.
"You moving in after I came home from the hospital helped me so much, and I cannot thank you enough for that. The thought of being in an empty house would drive me insane, it quite literally did when Elaine left. You're more than welcome to move back in with me, your room's still as you left it."
I know Adrien's said it a few times before, but for once I actually consider his offer. Though I can't just up and leave. But would they even notice my absence?
"It just feels like they've forgotten that they have two sons. I want to scream at them that I exist too, that Charlie wasn't, isn't, their only child."
I would give anything to take Charlie's place. Nne and Nna probably wish for the same thing too. They wouldn't be as upset if it was me dying all these years. Probably say it's God's way of ridding the world of sinful people.
Why couldn't it have me instead?
It's silent for a moment before Adrien speaks up.
"Sometimes parents just suck. We put them on a pedestal and think of them as some kind of super-beings expecting them to always put us first but they're human beings too. They fuck up, in turn fucking up their kids without realising. Or maybe they do realise it but in the moment they just can't bring themselves to care. Regardless of that, you gotta remind yourself that it's not your fault. It's not because you're not worthy of being loved or cared for but because they're human and sometimes it gets too much for them too. Sometimes it's just easier to shut off the world or to hyper-focus on one particular thing and forget about everything else. We all have our own ways of coping. It doesn't excuse their behaviour, but I hope it puts it in perspective enough so that the part of you blaming yourself for the way they're acting can let go. It's okay to resent them for not being here for you, just don't let it consume you.
"I'll never forgive Elaine for leaving me at my most vulnerable. I'll always hold some resentment towards her for it, and for a time that's all I could think about. But I've got to the point where I can hate her without the self-loathing."
I can't help but feel proud of Adrien, he really has come a long way over the past two years. He's matured so much. But it's sad to think that it's because life has forced him to grow up.
I can tell Luke feels the same way as he gets up and tackles Adrien into a hug, making them both fall backwards, "You sound so grown up man, not very Adrien like at all. I am proud of you bro," Luke lets out a little laugh, "You actually sounded wise. You've come a long way, you should be proud of yourself too."
Adrien wraps his arms around Luke, smiling like a complete idiot which makes me smile too, "Thanks, Luke," I watch as the smile slips off his face as he stares up at the ceiling, "Had to learn something after so many years of therapy."
Luke and I make eye contact, neither one of us responding. He smiles a little before pulling me down so I'm laying beside them, "When Pop-pops died his death just felt so sudden, I felt completely blindsided by it even though we knew, we knew he was dying yet finding out he died felt like I'd been hit by a truck.
"When we found out Charlie didn't have long left, I feel like I started grieving even when he was still physically with us. Watching Charlie die felt like an out-of-body experience, but something that I was constantly anticipating you know? I kept waiting for the phone to ring, or even every time I would come home I'd mentally prepare myself before walking inside cause in my mind Ma would be waiting for me, waiting to tell me Charlie was gone. Being there that day was cathartic, and my mind is more accepting of the fact that he's actually gone.
"With Pops, I kept expecting him to walk through the door shouting surprise. I don't know why I thought grieving Charlie would be easier, but it's really fucking not. I'm constantly crying, sometimes I don't even realise it. And I just wanna spend all day in bed, as soon as I come home I eat and head straight to bed doesn't matter if it's only 7 pm. I spend most of my weekends either in bed or under a pile of blankets on the sofa. I don't know how to stop feeling so empty."
Adrien puts his hand on Luke's head, gently stroking his forehead with his thumb. Something he's always done to comfort Luke.
"I don't know how to keep getting through each day. We need to start preparing for university, applications and whatnot. But I just can't bring myself to care about anything, including the future. Charlie used to be so excited about the idea of me moving away and him coming to visit me, it just doesn't feel right to continue with the plans we made together knowing some of the stuff we planned will never happen," I say heaving a sigh.
"I get that, something as small as becoming captain of the basketball team has me crying cause Dad's not here. I'd always brag about becoming captain someday, and I just wanna tell him that I did it. Basketball was our thing, and now it's not. I spent the last month debating even turning up for tryouts. I know there will be many moments in the future when I want nothing more than to have Dad there. But it's important to remember the people that you do still have around you. I am so fucking thankful for you both and Ma. I honestly don't know where I would be, or if I'd still be here without the three of you."
I wish it wasn't true, but the three of us know that it is. Adrien's been through a lot of shit.
"We can't forget that no matter what we've got each other. I love you both."
"We love you too man," I say giving him a small smile.
The atmosphere around us no longer feels so tense and awkward. The last thing I was expecting on a Saturday morning was to be lying on the floor at the bottom of Ma's stairs discussing grief, but it was needed. We needed to talk things out and begin to understand each other again. Maybe now we'll be able to start moving forward together again.
"Group hug!" Luke shouts, pulling me over to the both of them.
--
HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Hope 2023 is a better year for all of us!
Hopefully, the long update makes up for it being slightly late.
I've seen a few comments from readers pointing out that there is a lot of speech in my book. Now I'll be completely honest, I've always preferred speech over description. And I feel like with where these guys are right now, they need a lot of communication to bring them together.