Adrien Walker
Ethan's writing away in his notebook, whilst flipping through the pages of all the booklets scattered around him on the bed. I've never seen him so focused in all the years I've known him. I've known him for over 10 years...
Meanwhile, I haven't even managed to open up my own notebook or flick through any of the booklets.
"You good?" Ethan asks quietly.
"Yeah..." I say sighing.
I'm trying not to look like a dumbass but Ethan's doing most of the work for the project.
I just can't seem to focus.
"You've sighed like 5 times in the space of a minute. What's up?" He asks putting his pen and notebook down.
"Nothing, just can't focus." Which is the understatement of the year.
"We can take a break." He says turning to give me his full attention.
A break from what? I haven't even started.
I nod, putting my stuff away in my backpack.
"Are you going to go to any of your lessons?"
I shake my head.
I don't want to be here anymore.
"Go for a run."
"Huh?"
"You're antsy. I don't know what's going on inside your head, but going for a run might help."
"Yeah... maybe you're right," I say looking around the tiny room, "You okay on your own here?"
He nods, "Yeah I'm fine. Go for a run, just make sure you're back in time for basketball."
"Alright," I get off the bed, whilst shoving the bag containing the hoodie into my backpack, "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
He nods, not saying anything as I leave the room.
But I quickly turn around, stopping the door from closing with my foot, "Actually no, I'll see you before basketball. Nicki and Matt are back at school and I know they'll try something."
"Okay, I'll see you later." He says giving me a small smile.
He's not usually one to smile, so I plaster a big grin on my face.
"Bye, friend!" I shout as the door closes.
I stare at the closed white door for a few seconds before turning to walk out of the office.
"Are you okay, Adrien?" Macie asks cautiously.
"Yep, fine," I say as I continue walking out of the office and down the hallway.
Thankfully there's no one around to stop me from leaving.
My feet carry me out of the school gates and onto the main road, I start jogging with no real destination in mind.
I just need to clear my head.
My heart feels unbearably heavy but empty at the same time. What is this weight?
Everything's fine.
I made up with Trevor and Luke.
Ethan and I are friends.
Ma and I are okay.
So why aren't I fine?
I've got no reason to feel like this.
I just want to be okay.
I stop, suddenly feeling exhausted. I put my hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath, my heartbeat loudly echoing in my ears.
I take a look around, trying to ground myself and realise I'm outside the cemetery.
Should I go in? It's been a while since I was last here.
Yunus Barkhad Diric
My name sounds so fucking white compared to his.
**To my son, Adrien, "If Tomorrow Starts Without Me"
I listened to Tom O'Bedlam's reading of the poem on YouTube on repeat for the first year after Dad's death. I've memorised the words by now.
You'll always be my greatest joy. I love you my little lion, forever and always.
I stare at the number 786 at the top of his gravestone, and the Arabic verse underneath it. I have no idea what it says. I quickly pull out my phone and Google prayers to read at graveyard Islam I click on images and recite the English translation.
Elaine never allowed Dad to teach me much about Islam, so I never really learnt anything about it other than the mere basics and whatever I came across in videos.
"There's so much that I regret Dad," I say with a heavy heart, "I should have made sure Luke and Ma were at the hospital that day. Luke wouldn't hate me so much if I tried harder to stop Elaine. And it was one of your last wishes to see them," a tear rolls down my face and I hastily wipe it away, I've no reason to be crying right now, "I should have been a better son to you. I'm sorry."
I force myself to swallow the lump in my throat, I'm no longer a child.
"I hate not having you here. The house is empty, there's no one to come home to. I just feel alone all the time."
Damn, I am pathetic. Sitting here complaining like a small kid to their parent.
Dead parent.
I wish it was Elaine who died instead of you, Dad. I don't dare voice the thought aloud as I know it's selfish and hateful. If Dad was here he would have twisted my ear and told me off.
Sighing I start picking at the grass, "Trevor, Luke and I are friends again. It's still a bit awkward and tense and I know Luke still hates me but it's better than not talking and ignoring each other I guess. I know you'd tell me to be patient.
Ethan and I are officially friends, well we've always been friends but he finally accepted it." I say smiling at the memory. He can be such a grump sometimes. "Sitting together for all these years finally paid off, thanks for that Dad."
I look over at the headstone again and notice the bouquet of flowers, some fresh and some half wilted, "Looks like Ma and Luke have been visiting you. Luke misses you like crazy, but I'm sure you already know that."
I look at the name on the headstone that's the polar opposite of my white ass name.
"I wish you had named me, Dad" I pull the hoodie out of my backpack, "Macie gave me your championship hoodie today. Trevor and I are made co-captains. It all feels wrong without you here. I didn't get to rush home to tell you. I didn't get a bear hug or you ruffling my hair. I didn't get a 'I knew you could do it, Adrien' or a 'I'm proud of you, son'. And I realised that I'll never hear you say that ever again. I'll never hear your voice again...
"I can't stop thinking about all the things we'll never do together again, all the moments we'll never get. We'll never do the road trip we planned for the summer before I go away to college. You'll never be able to attempt to teach me how to gut a fish again," I chuckle a little remembering the extremely gross time he tried to about two years ago, "Which I guess isn't such a bad thing.
"We'll never have any more first-time experiences either. You won't be there for the first time I move out. My first serious relationship. My wedding day if I ever get married. My first kid which will probably be a pet, giving you a heads up now."
My phone buzzes, distracting me.
L: You're not outside
L: We checked the roof
L: You're not sitting with the dickweeds
L: Are you still at the nurse's office with Ethan?
I should probably reply before he spams me with 50 texts.
L: I know you're reading the messages
L: At least I know you're alive
L: Reply cause I'm worried
L: Did Nicki and Matt manage to jump you?
L: But how?
L: They're basically handicapped
I best reply to shut him up.
A: I'm fine just decided to ditch for a bit.
L: Okay...
It's quiet for a bit and I know he's talking to Trevor.
L: Just don't miss basketball
L: Trevor's orders
I smile at that.
A: Don't worry, I'll be there.
L: Alrightieeeee, love you!
A: Love you too.
Maybe he doesn't completely hate me.
"Luke's still an idiot, but I think he'll always be one," I say standing up, "I'm going to go see Charlie before getting back to school, Dad. I'll come visit you again soon. I love you."
Charlie has a simple plaque where the headstone will go once the grave has settled.
Seeing his grave like this piled high with mud really does put it into perspective that it hasn't been long at all.
My heart breaks for Trevor.
"Hey, Charlie..." I trail off not really knowing what to say.
I'm not sure how much time passes before I finally speak up, "I'm sorry I wasn't at your funeral Charlie... and for the way I left the hospital the day you died. I haven't exactly been the greatest friend to Luke and Trevor either, but I'm working on it. But know that there isn't a day that goes by where don't think about you.
"Your memories will fill the space you left behind, but the gaps will always be there. Don't ever think that we'll forget you, no matter what happens. You'll always be Trevor's little brother and Luke and I's little sidekick. We miss you like crazy, little man." I let the tears fall... I've not cried properly yet.
"Luke, Ma and I will look after Trevor so you don't need to worry about him, okay? I know he's really struggling at the moment but we'll help him through it. I promise I'll be there for him a lot more than I have been."
I wish I knew what your worries and fears were...
You must have been so scared.
"You were so incredibly brave, Charlie.
"I hope you've found peace and eternity without pain.
"I love you."
---
So sorry about the wait - it's been ages (years I know)! I wrote this chapter a good while ago but I absolutely hated it and it just put me off writing to be honest. So I have completely rewritten it! Felt great deleting it and completely starting over, still not sure how I feel about this one but you've all waited long enough.
Just ignore the errors/mistakes - I didn't proofread it before publishing.
Thank you to those who are still reading and commenting. All the recent comments and messages really encouraged me to start writing again.
I have been asked when the happier chapters will be coming - soon(ish)... at some point... but there will always be wholesome moments!
I hope you enjoyed the chapter and that the writing style hasn't changed too much.
Let me know what your thoughts are!
Are there any particular scenes/moments you want to see in the book?