Luke Reynolds
I've run out of things to talk about. I don't know how, since I always have something.
Silently, I stare at Trevor, begging myself to say something.
All I want to do is ask him if he's okay or if he wants to talk.
Anything to hear his voice.
But... I know better. I'd rather hear his silence than a lie. Plus, asking him if he's okay would just be plain stupid, and I highly doubt he wants to talk.
I mean, after all, what is there to be said?
I turn away, staring out my window as I force myself to push that thought away; it sounds too much like something Adrien would say.
Why is it that everything I want to talk about seems to be off-limits?
I mess up enough when it comes to Adrien, I don't want to start messing up with Trevor too.
But how do I help when they won't let me?
It's not healthy keeping things bottled up, but how am I supposed to talk to them when neither one is willing to listen?
Even if they did listen, would I know what to say?
Just thinking about all this makes my head hurt.
I need to talk to someone. I've never been good at keeping anything bottled up.
But who do I have to talk to?
For the first time in my life, I don't feel like I can talk to Trevor.
"Talk," Trevor says gently, breaking the silence.
It's the first time he's initiated a conversation with me today.
Now how do I keep him talking?
I turn myself towards him, "What do you want me to talk about?" I ask, carefully checking for any reactions as I fiddle with the seatbelt.
His jaw clenches slightly for a split second before asking, "What's on your mind?"
"Nothing much." I reply, anything I do want to talk about is off limits.
"Luke."
"Yeah?"
I watch him tighten his grip on the steering wheel a little, "I- I know you're not doing well right now and I wish I could do more, be there more but I just don't have it in me. I'm just trying to get through each day, wake up, school, basketball, home... I'm thankful for everything you're doing, being there but also allowing me space. But I know you miss the three of us being together. It's okay if you want to reach out to Adrien."
A part of me feels relieved at the fact that he noticed that I wasn't doing okay. But I feel pathetic at the smidge of happiness it brings me that Trevor sees me even when he's going through so much. I can't even begin to imagine what he must be feeling.
I try to be there for him as much as I can without being overbearing, but sometimes I just don't know what the right balance is.
And I hate to admit it but it's getting to me now.
I need someone there for me.
I need someone I can lean on.
Because I can't go through this alone. I've tried it and it's just not working.
But regardless, I'm not reaching out to Adrien. After the stunt he pulled, I'm more than okay with cutting ties at this point. And to think he hasn't even attempted to make things right.
"I don't want to reach out to Adrien. I miss him, and I do think about him a lot. But I can't just let the fact that he hurt you go. He hasn't been there for either one of us. I'll hear him out if he gets in touch, but I refuse to be the one to make the first move, the ball's in his court exactly where he left it."
Adrien and I have never really been close - well, as close as one can be to Adrien. At times, it feels like he just forgets, or only tries because of how close he and Trevor are, well were. I guess it doesn't matter that the person who raised him also considered me a son, sort of. Pops wouldn't be happy with how things are right now, he'd probably try and sit us all down and force us to talk.
Trevor reaches over and puts a hand over both of mine, "It's okay if you do change your mind in the future. Don't go no contact for my sake."
"I'm doing it for me too. Setting boundaries and all that."
I take his hand in both of mine, cradling it close to my chest.
I missed this.
I miss being able to sit with Trevor and just be. I miss being able to turn to him for reassurance. I miss being able to speak freely.
I miss us being us.
But most of all, I miss him. Even though he's right here next to me. I miss hearing his voice. It's difficult to coax a conversation out of him; a few words or a sentence is the most I get nowadays. I miss his hugs. I miss our cuddles. I miss being able to just lay by his side, taking comfort in the fact that he's beside me. I miss the way he would make me laugh. I miss that mischievous glint in his eyes before tickling me. I miss the way his face would soften up every time he'd see me in the morning. Or the way he'd hold me for just those extra few seconds before going home. I miss seeing him smile.
I wish I could make him happy again.
I quickly look out the window as I feel myself getting teary.
"You okay?" He asks, concern seeping into his voice.
A stray tear rolls down the side of my cheek. I swallow the growing lump in my throat before answering, "Yeah, just thinking."
"You sure?" He asks, sounding unconvinced.
He knows me well.
A sad smile tugs at my lips, moments like these remind me of how close we used to be and how far apart we are now.
But Trevor's allowed time and space, I should give him that. Despite how much it hurts.
He prefers to deal with things on his own. I can't stand being alone.
He prefers silence. I can't stand it.
He prefers thinking. I prefer talking.
Maybe we are too different.
Or maybe it's our differences that balance us out?
Whatever it is, I just wish I didn't feel so lonely right now. I wish it didn't feel so unwanted. Like I'm being a burden just by existing.
I know I'm not...
Yet wouldn't it just be easier if I disappeared and Trevor and Adrien could just figure their shit out without having to worry about how it's affecting me?
"Luke?" Trevor asks and I can hear the worry in his voice.
I force down the lump in my throat before replying, attempting to sound as neutral as possible, "Yeah just tired and overthinking," I reply as he concentrates on parking.
Once we're out of the car, I pause before turning away.
I gently grasp the straps of my backpack. I never used to be this nervous around him.
"Wanna come over for a bit?" I ask, turning my head just to glance at his back.
At this point, I don't even know why I bother asking.
He thinks for a moment, grabbing his own backpack straps, "Not today."
I know I shouldn't be disappointed because I knew the answer before I even asked. But I can't help the way my shoulders sag at his response.
I nod, "I'll see you tomorrow, then. We still driving to school together?" I ask, unsure of exactly what we're doing.
"Yeah, I'll see ya in the morning."
I nod again.
I look both ways before going to cross the road.
When Trevor calls my name, I stop and turn to look at him.
Does he want to come over after all?
A little hope fills me. Maybe, just maybe, we'll finally start to bridge the gap between us.
"Don't you want a hug?"
The question catches me off guard. I quickly mask my disappointment, since a hug is just as welcome.
I hastily nod my head. I mean, what kind of question is that?
In two short strides, he has me tightly wrapped up in his arms.
I grip the back of his hoodie, closing my eyes. I focus on the steady rhythm of his heart beating, not wanting to let go.
"It'll be okay," he whispers, stroking the back of my head.
Will it, though?
I nod, reluctantly pulling away.
Why is it that we're still doing all the things like before, but not the way we used to? We're doing stuff exactly as we did, but nothing feels the same.
"I'll see you in the morning," I reply before quickly crossing the road.
Any longer in that embrace and the floodgates would have opened.
I let myself into the house without looking back.
The silence that greets me lets me know that there's no point calling out for Ma. If she isn't in the kitchen making dinner whilst listening to some soft rock, then she's not home. Probably at work, she must've told me numerous times this morning.
Sighing in disappointment, I hang up my bag on the hooks beside the door and take off my shoes.
I wish she were home, a soothing embrace and a listening ear are all I want right now.
I turn on the TV before making my way to the kitchen.
There's a note on the countertop: a piece of bright yellow paper standing out against the black counter.
I'm working the night shift hun, pizza rolls are on a plate in the microwave, just turn it on.
There are leftovers in the fridge, just take off the lid and put the container in the microwave.
ONLY THE CONTAINER!!
NO SPOONS.
NO FORKS.
NO KNIVES.
NOTHING METAL!!
Geez, accidentally microwave a few spoons and forks and suddenly you need reminding every time you use the thing.
Do not use the oven. For the love of God, Luke, DO NOT USE THE OVEN!
Forget to turn it off once and suddenly I'm banned.
Maybe it was twice.
Don't be up all night! You won't be able to function in the morning, and no, 2 hours of sleep is not enough.
Make sure you check all the windows and doors before going to bed!!
I love you Luke, please don't burn the house down. If you do somehow manage it, just focus on getting yourself out. DON'T BE AN IDIOT!
Since when am I an idiot?
Call me if ANYTHING happens.
I don't understand why "anything" needs to be in all capital letters.
Go lock the door, Luke.
Fuck, I forgot to lock the door.
Before going to lock the door, I turn to put the microwave on, only to see that Ma's even taped a piece of paper to the front of it.
PRESS 3, THEN START
I roll my eyes but do as the note says.
I swear I'm not completely incompetent. Just forgetful.
I sit in silence at the table, as the TV plays softly in the other room, eating my pizza rolls and scrolling through my phone.
I see that Adrien's liked a dog video on Insta.
Will he talk to me first?
Waiting for Adrien to speak to us is like waiting for rain in a desert - utterly useless and disappointing. This may just be the end of the three of us if someone doesn't start talking soon. I sigh at the thought.
Adrien has rarely if ever, shown that he cares about me. He treats me as though I'll forever be an innocent child who doesn't really understand anything. I think he forgets that he is the youngest one of us three. But, does age really have anything to do with it?
Why should I be there for him when he wasn't there for Trevor and me? When I can't even remember the last time I was able to openly talk to him, or ask him for help. When was he ever there for me?
Adrien has always been different, more stern than Trevor and I. At times, it did feel like he only put up with me for Trevor's sake, but then he'd have his moments; those small moments showing that he does care, just that he might have a hard time expressing it.
When Pops died, Adrien made me feel bad for even showing any signs of grief, simply because Pops isn't my biological father. I've never wished to take anything away from Adrien, so I always hid it. But Adrien doesn't even visit his grave, I don't think he's been there since the funeral. Not to say that one must visit the grave of a loved one to show that they do think about them. I just don't know what to make of it. Usually, people go quite often at the start and then slowly stop or just go once a year, maybe even less.
Having to hide how I'm truly feeling is draining me. I'm constantly just feeling exhausted. Why do I have to hide my sadness and grief?
All this thinking is giving me a headache, I get up to wash my plate, something to distract myself from my thoughts. There's no point sitting around downstairs, I decide. Might as well go watch something upstairs and hopefully fall asleep. I grab some drinks and snacks before heading up to my room.
I change into joggers and one of Trevor's hoodies. I pause by my window before getting into bed. Trevor's bedroom window is right across from mine, his curtains are closed and the house looks empty. But he must be in, his car is still parked outside. Doesn't look like Mr and Mrs Chidubem are back from work yet.
Should I go over?
No, he said he didn't want to hang out today.
He never wants to anymore.
I understand, or I'm doing my best too.
It just hurts.
How many more times will he push me away?
But surely locking himself away isn't exactly helping.
I close the curtains, allowing the darkness to engulf the room.
If I don't have Trevor or Adrien, I'll have no one. I don't think I've ever been on my own before, it's always been the three of us from the very start. Uni is just around the corner though, less than a year now. I was afraid before, scared of the idea of us all moving away to different places, afraid that we'd lose contact and move on with our lives leaving each other behind. I fear that we've already started doing that. What if that's not a bad thing? It'll make moving away easier.
If only it were possible to erase our memories. But at the same time, I don't want to forget, regardless of how much it hurts.
I crawl into bed as the tears start to drop. I curl myself under the duvet and just let myself ache.
I'm not sure when I fall asleep, but when I wake up my eyes and head throb. Sometimes you just need to cry; it feels like all I seem to do lately is cry.
I feel around for my phone to see what time it is, 2:51 am.
At least I slept for a while, a good 7/8 hours, longer than usual, guess that means I won't be falling asleep any time soon. I slip on some trainers before quietly leaving the house. I quickly cross the road and make my way to Trevor's garden.
As I reach the top of the ladder to the treehouse, I squeeze my eyes shut. Slowly I count to five before opening them.
I don't know why disappointment is the first thing I feel.
I don't know why I bother closing my eyes.
I know it's going to be empty.
It always is.
Once I'm inside the treehouse, I grab a blanket and wrap it around myself. The backs of my heels kick the ladder as I stare up at the sky, easily spotting Sirius A and then the Canis Major.
My lips immediately stretch into a smile. I breathe, releasing my shoulders from my ears, and unclenching my jaw. I can feel the tension leaving my body.
"Found them!" I shout, lifting my hand ready to point them out. I turn to look beside me only to find no one there.
Why do I keep forgetting?
It's no longer a race to see who's the first one to find them if I'm the only one doing it anymore.
The smile drops, as does my arm.
I lean my head against the wooden sides, closing my eyes for a brief moment.
"I still won," I say quietly, pretending just for a second that I wasn't alone.
"Hey Char," I start, still staring up at the sky, "Just because you're not here next to me doesn't mean I can't talk to you, right? But I hope that wherever you are, you're okay. I doubt you can hear me, and I definitely won't be getting a reply from you. But you're the only one I can talk to right now." The tears well up again.
"I miss you. I miss you so much," I choke out. "Everything's a mess since you left, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do without you."
"Trevor's not Trevor anymore, he's barely functioning. He rarely talks, anything related to you is unspeakable. And I get why. I know it's hard, I do! But I just wish he'd talk to me or at least feel as though I could talk to him. But then I feel guilty for thinking those things because maybe I'm being selfish for thinking about my wants and needs. I should be thinking about Trevor.
"Adrien's not talking to us anymore. Hasn't said a word to us since the summer. He hangs out with the stupid popular people now and glares at everyone. I think he's slipping again. Should I talk to Ma? I would tell Trevor, but I think he might have figured that out already. If he has then I don't think he cares. Or maybe he does. But I doubt he's going to do anything about it though, and I don't blame him for it.
"Adrien fucked up, big time. I think it might have cost him the friendship. And I swear that I won't forgive him unless Trevor does.
"Ma hasn't been herself either recently. She always has this sad look in her eyes whenever she looks over here. She was going through the photo albums the other night and I could hear her crying. I don't know why she chooses to torture herself.
"I can't imagine what your parents are going through. I've hardly seen them. Actually, I don't think I've seen Mrs Chidubem since..." I trail off.
I pause, looking around the backyard and the house, it looks dark, gloomy and empty, before looking back up at the stars. The dark clouds glide leisurely across the night sky, shielding the moon. The clouds suddenly part, revealing the full grey moon. It illuminates the uncut grass below me, old shadows sprawled across the ground as they point out constellations, reminding me of all that we used to do. I take in a deep breath, closing my eyes as the tears fall.
"We're not okay without you, Charlie."
--
Thoughts on Luke?