Chapter 15: chapter 15

GOWRIIt is nearing evening and we have a six hours journey ahead of us. I am going to stay with Shiva in Chennai. All alone with him because my MIL and Nithya live in our hometown and Swetha and her family reside in Chennai but a different locality. My stomach does a flip when I think I have to stay with a man all alone for the next year. A man who has the right to touch me because he is my husband. That thought is revolting because he is a stranger. Yeah, he told me that he wasn't in the least interested in the marriage and my mother told me there will be no wedding night for one month and we had to be in self-control but still, he is a man and I am a woman. Staying in the same house with him all alone is making my stomach roll in terror and I feel sick.🍀🍀🍀🍀The part I dreaded the most finally comes. Biding farewell to my parents is way harder than I imagined.Ok, I can do this. I am just getting married. Not a big deal. I am only going to be six hours away from my parents. I blink away my blurry eyes. I can't lose control of my emotions now. I am stronger than this. My mother pulls me into a hug and kisses me on the cheek.OH NO! Before I could stop, I whimper and break down. Tears flow down my face as Aishu pulls me into a tight embrace and whispers, “Be good and take care.” Her expression mirrors mine. My father pulls me into a side hug and ruffles my hair gently, “You are all grown up now.”I have a vague déjà vu of this happening at Aishu’s marriage. I felt sad and a heaviness settled on my heart when she got into her car crying, telling us how she will miss us. At that time I thought I would never leave my parents like that and felt relieved I don’t have to face the sorrow.But I Am Wrong.Because my heart is shattering as I leave my parents and sister. I am leaving my family and biding them goodbye to start a new life where they would play a minimal role. I am all alone in this world now. They wouldn't be with me hereafter. I am leaving the close people in my life and we would never be the same again. Suddenly the idea of never witnessing my parents' argument doesn't hold good. Tears stream down my eyes when someone laces their fingers through mine and squeezes it. I look through my tears to see it is Shiva. I know he is acting as a caring husband. But I couldn’t stop the relief I get after his squeeze.“Shiva will always be there with you. You must tell everything to him. He will take care of you,” my parents tell me as I depart. I wish they believe me instead of Shiva. 🍀🍀🍀🍀The car journey to Chennai is filled with silence and anticipation. Shiva drives the car and I am on the shotgun. As soon we got in the car, Shiva told me outright that he held my hand for a show and that is the only conversation—or rather a monologue since I only gave him a nod as a reply—we had.At some point during the journey, exhausted from the sadness in my heart, I must have fallen asleep because when I open my eyes it is already pitch dark as we pass trees on an isolated road. I look out the window as thoughts start sabotaging the peace of my mind.What have I gotten myself into? What will I do after a year when we get a divorce? How will I live in this new city?What if Shiva forces me into a physical relationship?The last thought sends a shiver through my body. I know nothing about the man in the driver's seat except for his biodata and family. What if Shiva is some psychopath? What if he kills me after we reach the city?Gowri, stop worrying sick. Nothing of that sort will happen.The past week all my female relations who are married had been giving free advice on how to be a good wife and impress your husband. They had filled my head with all the wifely duties that I must perform. The duties include:1. Cooking for him. I am an I-know-to-cook- but-not-in-the-mouth-watering-way-but-ok kind of cook. So, that wouldn't be a problem unless Shiva expects me to cook in the range of MasterChef.2. Taking care of him. I still have no idea how I should take care of him. My cousin told me I should take his bag when he comes from work. Give him massages and all those kinds of sweet things a devoted wife would do. But the thing is I am not devoted to Shiva.3. Never get angry when he is angry. This means that there will be times when my husband may get angry with me because of work tension but I should understand it and let him take out his tension on me. I can do this. Because if there is one thing I am good at then it is not getting angry easily. Thanks to my parents and the couples I meet, I have a hell of patience.4. If he wants to do it then you must not say no. This is what bothers me the most. Physical relationship. I hope after hope that Shiva is not like the intimating CEOs who come in the dramas, movies and books. The one who is a dominating male and touches the girl telling her that he can do whatever he wants with her because she is now his(i.e. ‘you are mine’ as he tells) just because they were married.I exhale loudly and look at the deserted road. I don't know what to expect. I am not sure how I should behave toward Shiva now that we both have established that we will get a divorce. Should I still behave like a wife? Should I cook for him? Take care of him?My head is a mess as many thoughts come and go. Shiva drives slowly like he enjoys the drive but I don’t. As each minute passes, my heart beats wildly in the uncertainty of what he would do to me.🍀🍀🍀🍀