Chapter 67: chapter 67

SHIVAI am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri.  I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri. I am in love with Gowri.That is the only thought that is on my mind. I try sleeping but as soon as I close my eyes, I get visuals of my break-up day. The pain I felt when my ex left and the thought that I will soon experience the same pain. Only this time it will be tenfold. I am not going to say that I will die if I don't have Gowri in my life. No, that would be too much of a cliché. Honestly, my life will continue to go on without Gowri after she leaves but it won't be the same. I am at crossroads. I should tell my feelings to Gowri. She will understand. She will stay with me. She is a good woman and will agree not to get a divorce.No, Shiva. Don't do that. Remember, she always wanted to be a single and independent woman. Asking her to stay with you would be like forcing her to live the very life she loathed. But what if she accepts to live with me?She may say okay for the sake of making you happy and you both may be happy for a short time. Then? She will realize that she made a grave mistake and you both would start having problems. No, let her live her own life. Don't be a selfish jerk. She deserves better than you. But-No! Stop. No buts and ifs. The best thing for you is to go back to avoiding her as you did in the first month of your marriage. You have to maintain distance for her sake. You don't have to become another Jay in her life. Remember, how badly she was affected when Jay's true colours were revealed. But I and Jay are not the same.Of course. But you both would become the same the moment you confess your feelings to her. Gowri considers you only as your friend. You don't have to put her through that terrible situation that Jay put her in. But-No buts. If you love her truly then let her go. She has the right to live the life she wants. Just because you love her doesn't mean she should love you back.I don't think I can control myself around her.Then stop being near her. Stop thinking about her. Stop fantasizing about kissing her. Stop being delusional. She is finally living her dreams of being an independent woman. Don't snatch it away from her. She deserves it after being repressed for all those years.I feel like my heart is breaking.Getting your heart broken is not new to you.But this time it is different.Will it be okay, if she regrets staying with you? Your heartbreak is better than seeing her sad. Can you bear it if she gets sad?No. That will be worse than my heartbreak. I sit up on my bed and sigh. My own emotions don't matter. I want to see her happy and if getting this divorce from me will make her happy, then I will give it to her no matter how much I need her to be with me. I get up and go to the hall. I plop down on the couch and grab the remote to watch TV. But just taking a glance at the new TV brings me her memories. I groan and punch the sofa. I am feeling unsettled and my heart aches for her. For her presence. For her smell. For her voice. For her smile.I draw in a sharp breath as I long and ache for someone who I might never have in my life. 🍀🍀🍀🍀GOWRIThe trip has finally come to an end and  I am soon heading home. I enjoyed the trip would be a lie. Because, most of the time, I was thinking about Shiva and how to tell him that I am in love with him. I am sure the feeling is two-sided. So, ye-“Ahhh,” I wince at the sudden pain in my arm. I glare at Kamali. “Why did you pinch me now?”“To bring you to the reality and make you stop singing duets with your husband in your head,” she says.“I am not thinking about him,” I lie.“Come on, Gowri, you are lying. I have been watching you this whole trip and you always seem to be in a La La Land. You should see the way your face gets excited when the time comes for you to call your husband. You keep constantly checking your phone for messages and calls. Then you get the lovesick expression at times. You smile to yourself. If I had not known better, I would have seriously contemplated getting you admission to the mental hospital.”I glare at her but she only laughs, “Accept it, woman. You have fallen head over heels in love with your husband.”I don't say anything back because I am sure  I am not as pathetic as she sounds. But, I do accept that I keep thinking about him. Thinking about what he would be doing. I am going to confess my feelings to him. Whether he feels the same towards me or not is a matter of secondary importance. The matter of primary importance is to let him know how I feel towards him. I will be okay if he doesn't have any feelings toward me. Yes, I will definitely be fine. His rejection will not affect me.🍀🍀🍀🍀GOWRII literally jump out of the cab as it stops. I quickly pay the driver, promising to give him a five-star rating and open the gate hurriedly.I am excited to see Shiva. God! I missed him. I have so much to tell him. The distance from the gate to the door seems long today. I see the car shed and am relieved to see his car.I texted him when we reached Chennai. He replied with a thumbs-up emoji and didn’t bother to ask how I will reach home.I ring the doorbell and wait nervously for him to open the door. I thought staying away from him would make my body forget the way it reacts to him but no, as I hear the lock unlatch, my heart races fast and I hold a breath.“Hey,” Shiva greets with a lazy look. No smile whatsoever. I try not to be disappointed by it.He moves aside and lets me in. I throw my luggage on the sofa and plop down on it. I notice that Shiva is dressed in a button shirt and work pants. Why is he dressed in his work clothes? Today is Sunday.“You are going somewhere?” I ask.He nods but his eyes don't meet mine. He doesn't expand his answer and just walks out of the house.Hey, what the hell? He didn't even ask me how the trip went? The door shuts.I stare at the door in gloom. Something is wrong. Why do I feel like Shiva is behaving differently towards me? Nope. Maybe I am imagining things. We are fine. He probably has some urgent work in his office.🍀🍀🍀🍀SHIVAAll I wanted to do when I opened the door to Gowri was to take her in my arms and kiss the breath out of her. I wanted to hold her hand and sit with her and listen to all the things she has to say to me that happened on the trip. Instead, I acted indifferently. Like I don’t give a thought about her when in reality my head is filled with her thoughts. Only hers. I start my car with no destination in my mind. I will not be able to ignore Gowri if we both stay at the same place. No, I don't trust myself. My feelings for her are so intense that I am afraid that I may lose control. This is the only way to ensure everything will end well. Ignore her. The first few days will be difficult but soon we both would get used to it.🍀🍀🍀🍀