Chapter 68: chapter 68

GOWRISomething is amiss with Shiva. It is been four long days since I am back from the trip but we didn't even have a single one-on-one conversation. He is avoiding me like I am a COVID patient. It all started on Monday morning. By the by, the whole Sunday I waited for him to show up home but he never came. I got tired of waiting for him and went to sleep but when I woke up on Monday morning I was surprised to see his car parked in the car shed. Not only that he had made coffee but only for him. That is when I realised that something is going on with him. He never comes out of his room when I am in the house or he leaves the house when I am in the house and comes home only late at night. Yesterday, I knocked on his room door wanting to know what his problem was but he never opened it. I know he was inside his room. His car was parked outside and I heard footsteps inside but he neither answered me nor he opened the door.I am not sure what his problem is or why he is behaving weird all of a sudden. But he is going long way to avoid me. He became the cold-hearted and emotionless Shiva. His behaviour is as of how he behaved toward me during the first month of our marriage.I even asked Bala uncle if something is again wrong with the company but he told me everything is fine. So, nope. He isn't stressed about the company. I know, there are no issues in his family because I talk with them daily and I would know if they were facing any problems. So, nope.  He has a problem with me. Yes, as much as it hurts me to admit, he has some problem with me and I have no idea what it is.I was so happy on the day I came back home. I believed that he too felt those emotions I feel when I am with him but now, I think I am wrong. But I can't be wrong. I can't be the only one who feels like there is a connection between us. He should too feel it. Or maybe I am being delusional?Why is love this complicated?Why can't he be straightforward with me and tell me what his problem is? Why is he hiding from me?You know what? If he wishes to hide from me then I will seek him out. Yes. I am going to confront him today. No matter how late he comes home. I am going to have this conversation with him.🍀🍀🍀🍀SHIVAI am not a grown-up and mature man. I am still an immature teen who sulks and avoids confrontation.Yes, that is what I am doing exactly with Gowri. I can see Gowri's eager face and I know she is dying to talk to me but I don't have the control in me to let her come before me. My control is razor thin and I am not sure what I might do if she comes before me. Repressing my feelings for her is way more difficult than I thought. It is torturous and apparently, I like torturing myself. So, yes, I still feel torn between letting her go and confessing my feelings.In my defence, I already know how painful and humiliating it is to be left behind and get rejected. I don't want to risk confessing my feelings and hearing her say that she cannot live with me. So, I am choosing the easy way. I chose flight instinct instead of fight. If you still hadn't figured it out then I am not the guy who fights for his relationships. I am more of the guy who runs away. I don't do confrontations. I hate arguments and fights. This seems the best way. To avoid her like how I avoid people when things go downhill between us. But no matter how much I tell myself that this is the best choice, I know deep down it isn't. Because Gowri is not some casual friend or acquaintance. She is someone who has become so important to me in a short period of life. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel like a coward for hiding from her. Who does that? Which man hides from the love of his life? That is how much insecure I am. Maybe it was the passing away of my father in my childhood and the way my relatives treated my mother, I never felt secure and relaxed with any people. I never had close friends. Aravind was the first close friend I had and he was totally fine with the mess I am. With my ex, the story was different. My infatuation for her made me do things that were so unlike me but we all know how that ended and even though I was sad, a small part of me was glad that I don't want to put on a confident act when I am not feeling it. But with Gowri...it is complicated. No, I am the one complicating things. The underlying reason why I am ignoring her is not that I know she wants to be an independent woman. It is because I am afraid of rejection. Gowri had witnessed the vulnerable side of me first-hand. She had read my private entries. She knows more about me than I want her to know and that is what terrifies me. Because I don't think she will have feelings for me after seeing what a terrible broken mess I am. Because women want their men to be strong and confident in all areas of life. When it comes to business and leading a company, yes, I am confident as hell but when it comes to relationships I suck. That is why I kept trying to impress my ex. I had a fear that I am not enough for my ex and in the end, my fears came true. I have never felt like that with Gowri because I never really gave a thought to it. But now realizing that I am in love with her makes things more difficult. I don't know how she feels about me. I am afraid if I confess my feelings to her she would pity me for how crazily and wildly I am in love with her. If that happens then that would be the worst thing to ever happen to me. I would die right there on the spot with humiliation. Oh God! Why is this so complicated?Why do I keep sabotaging myself?Why can't I have a happy romance without these dramas?🍀🍀🍀🍀