Chapter 69: chapter 69

CHAPTER-27GOWRII sit in the dark. It is midnight. I am waiting for Shiva and I don't feel sleepy because my heart feels heavy and my thoughts are about him and his silence.I am not was not even surprised when I realised that I have fallen in love with him. Because deep down I know I was falling for him. How can a woman not fall for a man who is so gentle, understanding, affectionate and supportive? I could keep on listing traits about Shiva that I love. He is not perfect and he does have flaws but I am okay with it. I can handle an angry Shiva, the emotional one, the funny one,  the loathing one and the intense one okay, the intense one is a bit too much to handle and I will lose my sanity with that one but this silent Shiva is too much to bear.His silence is torturous. When I have no idea why he became aloof all of a sudden. I carefully turn over every conversation we had on the phone when I was on the trip.Nothing seems out of ordinary. Yet, something has changed in him during my time away and I could not quite understand it.Maybe I made a mistake unknowingly and he is angry with me for it. If that is the case then, we will sort out the things today.The whole house is immersed in darkness except for the porch light. I am sitting in the dark hall. I have a hunch that if the lights are on, Shiva wouldn't come home. I am going to trick him into believing that I am fast asleep and wait for him to come.My pulse quickens as I hear the sound of a car pulling in. A few seconds later, the sound of a car door shutting reaches my ears in the silent night. I hear the key inserted into the lock. I am suddenly nervous. It takes every ounce of my self-control to sit where I am when all I want to do is run to my room.The door finally opens and Shiva enters. In the darkness, I could see his silhouette. He switches on the light. His eyes widen when he sees me sitting on the sofa. For a second our eyes meet and I could see the warm emotions in them. My heart flutters in hope. But it dips down when he breaks the eye contact and walks to his room without acknowledging me.Now or Never Gowri.“Shiva,” I call him. His shoulders stiffen and he stops midway to his room. But he doesn’t turn around. So, I force myself to move and stand directly in front of him.He hangs his head low and doesn’t look at me. His behaviour hurts me more than I could think. It rips my heart to see him avoid me like this. What did I do that he could not even look at me?I take a deep breath and try to keep the desperation away from my voice as much as possible as I say, “We need to talk.”He stands mute. I expect him to open his mouth and speak but he moves past me like I don't even exist. Unfortunately for him, my instincts are quicker. Before he could reach for his room door handle, I wedge myself between him and the door. There are barely two inches of space between us. The adrenaline of confronting him along with the tension between us mixes and I could feel my emotions on the tip of boiling point. “I told you we need to talk but you are going to your room,” I snap no longer able to keep the hurt in me. Shiva exhales loudly and throws his bag down. He is silent for a few seconds and finally, he looks up.His eyes are closed as if he is frustrated. He lets out a tired sigh and says in a flat tone, “It means I don’t want to.”No emotion whatsoever.“Why?”“Because there is nothing for us to talk about,” he replies again in a flat tone. How can he be unaffected by this when I am feeling desperate?I draw in a sharp breath. His words hurt me. It tears my heart into two to hear him say that. Why? What happened? We had a lot to talk about? But why? Why can’t you just open your eyes and look at me once? Why can’t you see how aching your silence is? Why can’t you see how much spending time with you means to me? “Shiva, please,” my voice is pleading and I don't care how desperate I sound now, “I am sorry if I made any mistake and made you angry but please don’t be like this with me. It is killing me when you refuse to speak to me. If you are angry at me, then please yell at me or you can break the TV again but don’t give me t-”I stop short as his eyes flutter open. His voice was flat and emotionless because his eyes had claimed all the feelings. I could see the raging emotions in his eyes and my heart skips a beat. His eyes are darker and more passionate like never before. The way he is looking at me with a longing in his eyes yet not acting on it makes my stomach dive. He puts both his hands on either side of my shoulders, trapping me between him and the door. He lets out a ragged breath and his eyes look anguished as if the little gap we both have between us is torturous to him. Yes! It is. To know that I love you and not be able to close the distance between us is a kind of torture.“Please, let me have some dignity,” he says in a rough voice.“I don't und-” I start to say but I don't finish the sentence as Shiva suddenly presses his mouth to mine.It is so sudden and unexpected that I freeze and my eyes widen in shock. His lips are soft and warm on mine. I blink my eyes as I realize what is happening. He is kissing me. Oh, God! Is this a dream? Just as I feel the pressure of his lips on mine decreasing, my instincts take over my body. I grab his shirt collar and pull him closer. I wrap my hands around his neck and press my lips firmly on his. He seems startled. My eyes flutter close as removes his hand from either side of my shoulder and wraps it around my waist pulling me tighter to him. Our lips collide more firmly and I could feel electricity zap through my body. I feel more awake and alert all of a sudden. Just when the kiss turns into something more intense, Shiva pulls back abruptly with a groan. Disappointment claws its way into me.My mind is in a daze. My lips tingle from the kiss and I want to kiss him again but the expression on his face pulls me out of my dreamland. Regret is written all over his face and he moves away from me.Hurt and shame slap me in my face as I realize how much he can make me lose control yet he doesn't feel that way.“I am sorry,” he says in a tone filled with regret. “I didn't mean it. This should not have happened. It was a mistake,” he says shaking his head. Tears threaten to come. Does he think kissing me is a mistake? Does he regret kissing me? God! This hurts me more than anything. His face softens when he sees the hurt on my face but I don't want his pity. No, I am stronger than that. I don't want him to think that I am fallen head over heels in love with him. I don't want him to know that I didn't regret that kiss.He opens his mouth to say something but I hold my hand to stop him. Thanks to my parents, I exactly know how to keep my voice firm when I am on the verge of tears. I say with a smile that doesn't reach my eyes, “You are right. This is a mistake. Nothing can happen between us.”He looks at me like he wants to argue but I don't want to hear anything from him. I feel embarrassed for reading so much into actions and stupidly believing that he has feelings for me. Nada. He doesn't have feelings for me because if he did he wouldn't have considered the kiss a mistake. I am so stupid to believe that we had something. Before he could open his mouth, I sprint to my room and shut the door.🍀🍀🍀🍀SHIVAOkay, I am officially establishing that I am a dumbass idiot because that will be the only reason for my idiotic behaviour right from the moment I realised that I am in love with Gowri.The only reason I was holding back my feelings for Gowri was I thought she didn't feel like it. But God! I was wrong. The kiss yesterday night told me that much. My lips tingle at the memory of the kiss. I never meant to kiss her when she confronted me. I know my control was thin and it might slip at any time. That is why I refused to look her in the eye but I forgot everything the moment I opened my eyes. I tried to rein in the control but I couldn't and before I knew what I am doing I am leaning in closer and pressed my lips to her. I meant to pull away but she wrapped her hands around me and I obliged. Even a part-okay, seventy-five per cent- of me was enjoying the kiss. The other part-the rest twenty-five per cent- screamed at me that I shouldn't have kissed her like that. It told me that I should have confessed all my feelings and then kissed not like a desperate man. That made me pull away and I regretted the way I kissed her and nope I didn't regret the kiss.What I actually meant to say was that the way I kissed her was a mistake and I didn't mean that the kiss was a mistake. I was so shocked by the sudden turn of events that I didn't realize what I told her until I saw the hurt on her face. The hurt sealed the deal and I knew at that moment how exactly she felt for me. That my feelings were returned.But yes, it was too late because she tried to play it cool like the kiss meant nothing. Because after hearing my words she thinks that I am not into her. The kiss made me see things like a clear day and I saw the emotions on her face that I previously missed or ignored. I saw the raw hurt when she heard my words. I saw the firm resolution pass in her mind to not let me show her emotions. Her voice was strong when she told that she regrets the kiss but it was her eyes that gave her real emotions and at that moment I hated myself for putting her in that position. For making her feel embarrassed for kissing me. I mean, this is what I was afraid of happening. Hurt her by confessing my feelings but instead, she was hurt because I didn't confess my feelings.HOLY HELL!This is so screwed up. I messed up once again and I am going to fix it. Because, hell, this time I am not going to fly but fight for my love. Gowri has feelings for me and there is nothing to hold me back now.I know she is hurt and she will give me a hard time but I am willing to endure it. She will push me away but I am not going to give up easily this time. I will win her back. No matter how hard it gets. 🍀🍀🍀🍀