PHI'S POV
"No, I didn't know," I said as my knees weakened. "Agamet is your father?"
Eskain had told me Feyn was living with his mother among the humans because he did not get along with his father. I should have understood it sooner. I should have made the connection.
A part of me didn't want it to be true. And it forced me to stop asking questions.
"Leave here," Feyn said. "Come with me. I will protect you."
Tears flooded my eyes. Why is my luck so bad?
"It's not only about me," I replied. "I have to think of my people too. Agamet has warriors that follow him. I need the numbers. I have to marry your father, otherwise he won't help me."
His face distorted as if he was in pain, as if the words that came out of my mouth were hurting him.
I hate to see him like this, but this is the only solution.
I turned away and dried up my tears.
At that moment, the skin that covered the hut's entrance flipped open and Agamet slipped in.
For an instant I worried that he had heard what we were talking about but his face showed no sign of discontent. He was still rocked by the idea of our betrothal.
"I see you've met my son," the chief said.
My heart was pounding hard in my chest. I forced myself to look normal.
"Yes," I said. "We have actually briefly met before."
I glanced up at Feyn, pleading for him not to do anything stupid.
"Is that so?" Agamet asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes," Feyn replied. "We met once in the woods while I was hunting. The humans I was with feared her. They thought she was an evil spirit."
That made Agamet burst into laughter. "An evil spirit? This lovely creature? Those humans are really too superstitious for their own good."
He wrapped an arm around my waist. He meant to be affectionate, but I only stiffened at his touch.
Breathe. Breathe or he will notice something is wrong.
A moment of silence weighed between us. A flash of anger rose in Feyn's eyes as he looked at his father.
"I should say congratulations on your upcoming union," he said. "But will you keep your promise to help her or bail like you did last time?"
His tone was filled with wrath. And I was not the only one who noticed. The smile disappeared from Agamet's face and he began to fume.
It was clear that Feyn cared about me more than he should.
"I believe your presence is no longer wanted here, son," said Agamet, his lips in a line. "You should be on your way.
The chief pushed his son out of the hut and followed him out. Afraid for Feyn's well-being, I followed too.
"What's the matter?" Agamet said, seeing his son's refusal to go. "Don't want to go in the woods? Afraid of the dark?"
Feyn did not flinch at his father's mockery. "The woods were never a problem. It's the darkness of your soul I fear."
"Watch your mouth, boy!" Agamet roared.
But already, Feyn covered himself with his feathered blanket. Almost instantly, wings and a beak grew. He flapped his feathers with strength, creating whirlwinds all around him. The sound of his wings became the thunder, and every time he blinked, lightning appeared. He stormed away.
I was alone, once again. Alone with his angered father, with whom I had to make amends. Regain his trust. So that he would save my people.
*
The moon disappeared behind the horizon and was replaced by the sun. It was another day.
Everywhere I walked, the First Creatures gave me angry looks as they prepared their weaponsâbows and arrows, axes and war clubsâfor war. They were preparing for a war they did not want to fight, putting their life in danger for me, a fairy, they cared little about.
It's not my fault! I have no choice! I had never imagined that one day a war would be prepared in my name. For as long as I had lived in the alley, we had never gone to war with anyone.
War was a hunt for power. We had never wanted to steal someone else's power. We were too focused on surviving.
Sure, the dwarfs had trained us in the art of sword fighting. But they were wooden swords, and it was more a way for us to stay active than for combat.
Before Wotan's arrival to the New World, I had never seen that many swords and javelots. I had never witnessed so much violence.
And I was surprised that this did not bother me more than it did. I studied the warriors as I passed by their tents. They seemed invulnerable to fear or intimidation.
That was also how I felt. It's the evil in me. I am becoming desensitised to cruelty.
"They are prepared to fight for the death or achieve honor and victory," explained Agamet, thinking that the puzzled look on my face was about his warriors.
"Why do they have hair hanging from a stick they carry?" I asked.
"It's the scalps of their victims," he explained. "It's like a trophy. The more scalps a warrior has, the more honor is bestowed upon him."
He meant to impress me and for a moment I was. The evil in me was thirsty for bloodlust. I wanted justice for what life had done to me. I regained my senses and remembered who I needed to be. A weak fairy, desperate for his help. At his mercy.
"They must be very brave," I said, blinking my eyes seductively.
Agamet smiled. "The warriors are almost ready," he said. "We will be leaving soon."
"I am much grateful for your help," I said, although my voice sounded a little off.
He put a steady arm around me, just like he had last night. I took care not to stiffen again.
I have to win him over, make him forget about the idea that there might be something between Feyn and me.
"Nonos, come here," he said to a thunder spirit boy who looked barely more than thirteen or fourteen years of age. "I am going to send you on a mission."
A smile flashed across the boy's face as he ran to the chief's side. He stood tall with his chest puffed up, proud that something important was being asked of him.
"I want you to go tell Phi's enemy that I will be waiting for him in the meadow near his fortress," Agamet told him. He gave me a side glance before adding. "Tell him I will give him the princess in exchange for a gift of the same value."
The corner of his lips curled into a smile. I was floored. I didn't even notice Nonos leaving, as swift as the wind.
Fear came over me and I started to tremble.
"Follow me," Agamet said.
His voice was cold. I could not guess what he was thinking.
"Are you really thinking of selling me?" I dared to ask.
He did not respond right away. Instead, he led me to his hut, and then to his bed.
"I have no intention of giving you away," he said. "It's only a ruse to get him out in the open."
I smiled poorly at him. I was not convinced. I thought I heard a hint of a warning in his voice. As if he was telling me that he would do such a thing if I displeased him again.
He kissed me and pulled me closer to him. I offered no resistance, fearing I would upset him. I meant to be seductive, but instead my whole body went rigid under his touch, like I had in Feyn's presence. I couldn't bring myself to continue playing the seduction game and convince him everything was the same.
Something had changed. It was the knowledge that Feyn, the boy I had dreamed of for so long, shared the same kind of feelings for me as I had for him.
Get a hold of yourself. It's your duty.
Finally, I managed to put my fingers in his hair. My eyes lingered at the few white hairs I had never noticed before. It reminded me again that Agamet was older, and my beloved's father.
This is not the kind of relationship I wish I had with him, I thought. He should be my father-in-law. Not my lover. I froze.
The chieftain grabbed my hands and forced me to look at him.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
My heart was beating so hard, I felt it even in my toes. I clenched my teeth. I had to hide my nervousness. For my people's sake.
"Nothing," I replied.
I proceeded in combing through his long, dark hair. He planted a kiss on my lips and parted them with his tongue. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine that it was Feyn I was kissing, Feyn who was touching me.
But the smell was off. Feyn smelled like the forest, like conifers. Agamet smelled of fire and smoke.
"You are mine," Agamet grumbled as his hand explored every inch of my skin.
Sacrifice.
I kept my eyes shut and focused on not crying. I only wished all this was going to end soon.
*
I heard a noise behind me. Someone entered the hut, putting an end to our moment of intimacy.
It was a woman and her face was red with anger.
"You will take this girl as your wife?" she yelled at Agamet while pointing a finger at me.
"I don't see why it bothers you, Moisa," the chief said. "You are the one who left me."
It was his wife, I realized. Or his ex-wife. Feyn's mother. I brought the skin that covered the bed up to my chin, suddenly self-conscious.
"You think this is jealousy?" she replied. "It's not. I just don't think you should marry her."
Moisa was beautiful. In a way, I did look like her a little. We had similar high cheek bones, sleek black hair and almond-shaped eyes. Only my skin was pale white, and hers a lovely brown. She stood straight, with her feet firmly planted into the ground like an unshakable tree, when I shrieked at the fear of what she thought of me.
She was Feyn's mother and her piercing eyes told me she despised me. She wanted to save her people.Like I was trying to save mine. And I was in the way.
Could she save me too? I searched her eyes. I wanted her to know how much I didn't want to be here. I wanted her to save me. From her husband. This life. Please convince him to help me and let me free!
She did not look at me. Not directly. I felt she hated me. And I could not help but love her. She was Feyn's mother. She fascinated me.
Agamet, on the other hand, took little interest as to what his former wife's feelings were towards him. He shrugged and stood up to put his clothes back on.
"Is it our son who put you up to this?" he asked. "I noticed the misplaced interest he has for this girl."
"I am telling you. It's not about me, or him. Think of you, or your people. What do you think will happen if you marry her?"
"What do you think will happen?" he retorted with a smirk.
The woman hissed. Her eyes, severe, piercing. "She has evil inside her," she said, after a long silence. "It is my understanding that when fairies marry, a part of her power goes inside the person she marries. And I am sorry to tell you, but you are already not the purest spirit out there. Having more evil inside you will be disastrous."
"The way I see it," he said. "Marrying her will bring more power to me and that can only mean good things for me and the thunder spirits."
"So that's what it is," she said. "I knew it could not be love you felt for this girl. It's power you want. It's power that blinds you."
"Woman," he snapped. "That's enough."
He stormed out of the hut, followed by Moisa, who refused to drop the subject.
Alone again, I sighed in relief. I jumped out of bed and rearranged my dress, my hair, which Agamet had twisted and shrivelled with his horrendously coarsed hands. I felt dirty, dispossessed. I curled up and held my knees in my arms. That made me feel better a little. The tears I had held back until were now flowing freely. I wiped them up as they fell on my cheeks with the heels of my hands.
I wished that Halia were here to comfort me, as she always had.
*
Moisa stayed in the village and followed Agamet around, trying to convince him to let me go. It was a threat to my plan, but I also enjoyed the chief's lack of interest in me during their debates.
I went to collect squash with the other women, and then decided to go to the river that ran right below the town, away from the other villagers.
I kneeled by the shining waters, dove my hands in the clear liquid, and brought them to my mouth to drink. My skin changed as it came in contact with the water, becoming translucent at parts, as if it was absorbing some of the liquid's properties, like the day following my union with Halia. Her powers were still pulsing through my veins.
Halia. Where is she now? Is she safe? Is she alive?
"I've never seen someone do that before," said a voice behind me. "You fairies never cease to surprise me."
I turned around to see Feyn.
"You came back!" I shouted, fighting off the urge to throw my arms around him.
I doubted it was safe to show any signs of my real feelings for him. Besides, I didn't want to encourage anything. It was pointless since I was to marry his father.
"I spent moons looking for you in the forest hoping to see you again," he said. "Now that I know where you are, I can't stay away."
He walked the distance that separated us and picked me up in his arms. Our lips met. I immediately silenced the voice inside my head that said I shouldn't. I needed this. To wash myself from Agamet's unloving touch. My hands raced up his back. I removed his clothes right there on the riverbank.
"This is how love should feel like," I said, catching my breath. "I have never been this happy in my entire life."
Our embraced bodies crumpled on the ground. His right hand dropped to my thigh, my buttocks, my breasts. I kissed him. On his lips, on his cheeks, his forehead, his chest. I inhaled the smell of the forest in his hair, his skin. I felt a temporary madness that made me believe that at this moment there were only two creatures on the earth. Me and him. The rest didn't matter.
I welcomed him in me. I wanted him and it was delicious to think that, for once, I was able to do what I wanted. I was free. And nobody was going to take this moment away from me.
"I love you," he murmured in my ears once our dance was over.
Three simple words. So heavy in meaning.
"Come and tell me that again," I said, laughing, as I left his embrace to run to the river. "What are you waiting for?"
His lips curled into a smile and in a matter of seconds, he was beside me in the fresh water.
"I love you," he whispered in my ear again.
"I don't think it will ever be possible for me to live without you," I said.
His face became serious. "Then don't," he said. "Don't marry my father. Once your enemy is dead, don't marry himârun away with me."
My pulse raced. Could it be? Could I do this? Will I have a chance at my own happiness?
"Say yes," he insisted.
He leaned over to kiss me. I felt the feel of the cold water on his lips.
"Yes," I said.
I wanted this moment of hope, this idea of a future, to last forever.
"Phi!" I heard Agamet call. "Where are you, my dearest?"
"Go hide!" I told Feyn.
He ran out of the water, grabbed his clothes on the bank, and disappeared in the forest. Away from his father's eyes.
"There you are," said Agamet a few seconds later, approaching the river.
"I needed some alone time," I explained. "I thought a bath would be a good idea."
I walked out of the water, bearing the contemplative look on the chief's face. I snatched my clothesâmade out of soft animal skinâand put them on without worrying to dry myself. I walked with Agamet back in the direction of the village, my heart beating a hole in my chest.
*
As I got closer to the center of the village, I recognized some of the creatures preparing for battleâthe First Creaturesâpresent in the dream I'd had about my father's memories. There were the usual thunder spirits, Yasik, the giant spider; the mamagbadoes; Anosh; and Aplua, who kept his face covered by a mask.
Yu-a-geh, the great bear spirit, was there too. Although Geh-Ah, its master, was nowhere to be seen. I thought this was odd, but remembering how upset he had been when Agamet asked me to marry him, I thought he just wished not to take part in the war.
"We are getting ready to go," Agamet announced. "We are just waiting for Nonos to come back."
As he said that, the young messenger crossed the barricade and entered the village. His clothes were stained with blood and had been torn. A crust of dried blood had formed on his forehead and lips.
"He's been tortured," I murmured, rushing to welcome him.
I felt compassion for the child. He was so proud to have been entrusted with something important. And now he had been hurt beyond words. I helped carry him inside one of the huts before he collapsed.
"He will be waiting for you," the child whispered as he passed by Agamet.
Those were the words the chief expected, which sealed his people's fate. A satisfied smile appeared on his lips. My stomach churned up, thinking how little affected he was by the child's condition.
I wished to help alleviate Nonos's pain, but just as I was blaming Agamet for what had happened to him, the women pushed me out of the way.
"You've done enough," they said.
I left the hut and went back to the chief's side, where Moisa was chastising him.
"You're despicable," she said. "He is only a child. Couldn't you at least have sent one of your warriors?"
He replied with nothing, only staring at her with thunderous eyes.
Their eyes shifted as another silhouette appeared at the entrance. My eyes followed theirs and lingered on the man that had just came in. Feyn.
"What is he doing here?" Agamet hissed.
"I am not coming to cause trouble," Feyn assured. "I come to fight by your side."
My heart skipped a beat. What if he perishes in a battle? What will happen to our plan, our future together?
"No!" Moisa said. "Why would you want to join your father on such crazy endeavour?"
"I don't want you to fight," Agamet said.
Moisa sighed with relief, glad the chief was not encouraging their son to fight. I had a feeling it was rare that both Moisa and Agamet agreed on a subject.
I noticed, nevertheless, that the woman was oblivious to the fact that it was a desire not to have Feyn under his feet rather than a genuine concern for the latter's safety that pushed Agamet to object.
Whatever the case, Moisa's hopes were quickly crushed. "I will fight," Feyn argued. "I want to help save Phi's people."
The chief grimaced at such a revelation. Feyn's interest in me and what I wanted was too blatant to doubt his feelings anymore.
Feyn's mother eyed me in astonishment. I could tell she hadn't been aware of her son's feelings for me before this.
"What?" she asked, her eyes stormy. "Does she bewitch every man that come across her path?"
Feyn ignored her. "If you don't let me fight," he told his father, "your people will think you only wish to protect your flesh and blood; and why should they have to fight for a chief who is not willing to put everything he has into a victory?"
"Very well." Agamet snorted.
I looked into Feyn's eyes. I tried to tell him, to beg him not to go. I could not speak. If I said it aloud, Agamet would call off his troops. But him, my love, I wanted safe. I couldn't bear the idea of his dead body lying on a battle field. The mere thought of it was killing me.
His eyes were still, stubborn. He rejected the thought of not going. I closed my eyes, because it was easier to stop looking at him. It was easier to control the tears that were forming in my eyes. I didn't want anybody to see.
I breathed deeply and managed to regain my composure. When I reopened my eyes, Moisa was looking at me. I could read the accusation still present on her visage. I felt the blame she was putting on my shoulders. A heavy burden.
She was right, I thought. I was the reason for all of this. What kind of love did I have for him if I was able to choose my people over him? Do I even deserve his love?
I was still puzzling all of this when Agamet ordered his warriors to go. "Today is a good day to die," he said.
They left me behind with Moisa, who fell to her knees as she watched her son disappear behind a cluster of trees. She had been so full of life and anger before. Now she seemed as weak as a twig about to break.
I wished I could have taken her in my arms, and that we could both find solace, but I did no such thing. I stayed as still as a tree, my feet planted to the ground. I stared at the horizon until the sun was only pieces of orange and red above the dark foliage.
"Come child," Eskain, the old woman with groundhog said while pulling me to her hut. She offered me tea. "It will make you sleep."
Sleep, I thought, grabbing the bowl she was handing me. That's what I need. Sleep to forget. Maybe when I wake up, all this will be over.