Chapter 38: Eyes on Me: Part 2 – Chapter 37

Mia He’s insistent on feeding me, so I’m sitting on the barstool again in the middle of the night, while he toasts a grilled cheese on the stove like I’m a child. Once he places the plate in front of me, he starts talking before I can even ask.

“Emerson cleaned my kitchen,” he says, and it’s a weird place to start, but Garrett isn’t used to opening up, so I’ll take whatever I can get.

“I’m having a hard time picturing that,” I reply.

“He doesn’t even clean his own kitchen,” he jokes. “But mine was a mess, and he gave me no choice. It was a nonconsensual kitchen cleaning.”

“He’s a good friend,” I reply before taking a bite.

“Infuriatingly so.”

It’s quiet for a moment as he retrieves a bottle of water for me from the fridge. Before opening it, I ask, “So, why was your kitchen such a mess?” Although, I already know.

He lets out a heavy sigh. Then he looks me in the eye, those fierce blue irises staring into my soul. “A two-week-long depressive episode.”

Tears prick the backs of my eyes, and I resist the urge to hold him as a reward for finally being brave enough to utter those words to me. But we need this conversation not to be muddled by physical touch. “That was hard to say out loud, wasn’t it?”

He nods. “It wasn’t the first time. Probably won’t be the last either.”

This new Garrett, the one finally opening his heart and letting me see the real him, is so exhilarating, I almost can’t eat. But he points at my plate before ordering me to finish it.

“When did it start?” I ask, eager to know more, to more of him.

“As long as I can remember. It felt like a dark voice in my head, always telling me how bad I was, how hopeless everything was, and I had no choice but to believe it. I was the laid-back, easy-going guy. I wasn’t supposed to be . So I did everything I could to hide it.”

“Weren’t you ever prescribed anything to help?”

His head hangs, and a look of discomfort colors his expression. “Baby, I was never diagnosed.”

“But your mom…knew, didn’t she?”

“She knew I was a pain in the ass. She knew I was difficult and unpredictable and hard to connect with. But she didn’t know the first thing about raising a depressed kid.”

I lean forward, resting my forearms against the counter. The urge to hold him now is getting harder to fight. The pain and guilt he’s been carrying for so long has etched its way into his very identity. Garrett sees himself as the problem and not this illness that plagues him.

“But it wasn’t your fault,” I say, and his eyes lift up to my face. Quickly, he swallows and forces a tense smile.

“I know…or at least I’m starting to figure that out. And it wasn’t hers either. She tried…I really do believe that.”

“So do I,” I reply, biting my lip. “I’m just sorry you had to hide it for so long. I mean, you hid it from me for fifteen years.”

“Mia…” he says delicately, drawing out my name, and I tilt my head and wait. “I hid it from you. I did everything I could to keep people from seeing it. But then after a while, it felt like…no one really saw anymore. It was easier to stay alone, watch from the sidelines, and never put myself in the position to be vulnerable. Ten years went by like that.”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I’m heartbroken, knowing that Garrett has spent so much of his life alone and not because he wanted to be, but because it was the only way to keep his dark secrets hidden.

“When Paul was in the hospital, my mom said something to me about you. About how you brought me peace, settled all the mania a little bit.”

“Do you think that’s true?” I ask, secretly praying he does. I want to bring him every ounce of peace I possibly can.

“Yes. I think I still need actual help—help I probably should have gotten a long time ago, but I do think you make it better. Because I can be myself around you, Mia. I can show you my sometimes ugly mess of a life and you can show me yours, and it doesn’t scare us away.”

Biting my lip, I hold back my smile. When I came to the lake house this summer, my life was at peak messiness. I was holding power over men because I was too eager to be sexual and too scared to be vulnerable. I wanted a life I was too timid to ask for. But in just over a month, I’ve gotten to a stage in my life where I can wear my sexuality on my sleeve without shame or fear.

A place I got to with Garrett because he never once made me feel used or naive.

“And everything you told me on the app…was true?”

He gives me a pained smile. “You mean the ten years without sex? Yep.”

“How?” I ask, tears pooling in my eyes again.

“How can such a smoke-show like me keep it in my pants for so long? I had to beat the ladies off with a stick,” he jokes, and I blink away my tears, shaking my head as I ball up my napkin and throw it at his head.

“I’m being serious, Garrett.”

“Sorry. I’m being serious too. The truth is that I didn’t miss sex. Because all of the sex I’d had up until that point was meaningless. Nameless connections that were unfulfilling and forgettable. I could get more satisfaction with my own hand and my imagination.”

“Do you still feel that way?” I ask, painfully aware that if Garrett still doesn’t feel fulfilled by sex, it could be a bad sign for us.

He tilts his head down and glares at me. “Obviously not. I already told you…you’re mine now. And I’m not giving you up that easily.”

“Good,” I reply.

“Now, eat,” he commands again, and this time, I listen.

Once my sandwich is nothing but crumbs on the tiny white plate, he takes me to bed. The hint of sunrise is apparent through the window, which he quickly closes with thick, blackout curtains. Then we climb into bed together, half-naked and with no intention to have sex. But I curl up onto the pillow next to him and we face each other.

And although there’s no heat between us at the moment, I still revel in the feel of his gentle hands roaming my body appreciatively. He strokes my soft rib cage and dances his fingers along the ridges of my spine. He glides his fingers over my ass and back up to caress my belly in a way that makes me lightheaded. I’ve always loved my own body, but it’s an entirely different thing to be with a man who appreciates it just as much, if not more.

As we lie here, I realize there are so many conversations ahead of us. Stories and secrets to be told and more than enough time to get through them all. And I do forgive him. Honestly, I probably forgave him even before he apologized. I just needed time to process my anger. Because, deep down, if I’m being honest with myself…I wanted Drake to be Garrett. In my mind, he always was. There was no Drake.

There always has been and only ever will be Garrett for me. My life has been a mess of failed attempts and indecision, but he is the one thing I can be sure of.

“Was that night you saw me on the app the first time you saw me like that? Attracted to me, I mean.”

“Yes,” he replies without hesitation. “I hope that doesn’t hurt your feelings, but before that night, you were too young or too to be anything else.”

“It doesn’t hurt my feelings,” I whisper through the darkness. “Although I’ve been crushing on you since I was old enough to start crushing on boys.”

He laughs. “Well, obviously.” He drags me closer, wrapping his arms around my waist and bringing me to his chest, so there’s not an inch of space between us. “I’m sorry I was such an asshole all those years. You didn’t deserve that.”

“Why you so mean to me?” I ask, tracing patterns over the skin of his chest.

“Because that’s how I protected you, Mia.”

With that, I freeze and glance up at him. “Protected me from what?”

“Me. Don’t you remember what a mess I was?”

“No,” I reply, honestly. “I don’t remember you being a mess. I remember you being outgoing and fun and spontaneous. But I didn’t see the mess.”

“That’s because I hid it from you. I wanted you to see the good stuff. Not the weaknesses.”

Perching up on my forearms, I glare at him. “It’s not a weakness, Garrett. And I didn’t see the mess because I love the mess. I love you for the good and the bad. Plus, I have messes too.”

He lets out a heavy breath, his blue eyes mirroring mine. And suddenly, I completely understand why he lied for so long, why he kept the fake profile as Drake. Because that was the only way for him to open up without putting himself at risk. But now, without that fake profile, he has nothing protecting him. And yet, he’s still here. He still trusts me enough to let me in.

Brushing my hair out of my face, he pulls my face down to his and kisses my lips with tenderness.

“You know how much you mean to me, right?”

Tears prick my eyes again as I nod. “Yes.”

“I really did try to hide for so long, but you…”

With a smile on my face and his eyes on mine, I reply, “I see you.”