He visited me in the night.
Eros came into the bedroom Ryder had given me and tucked himself in, pulling me into his arms, rousing me from my restless sleep.
"Hey Alice," his eyes softened, glimmering over my puffy eyes and swelling of my cheek. "Ryder told me what happened," his fingers brushed back the hair that had fallen on my face in the night, as I twisted and turned, sobs holding me captive till finally exhaustion overcame me.
I shut my eyes, basking in his touch, letting silence settle upon us for a minute before breaking it. "You said we couldn't pursue what was developing between us Eros. I don't think this is helping." My eyes opened, to our reality that I would never be able to be in his arms without feeling some type of way. That the feelings we had decided weren't worth risking our friendship over.
"Sometimes it's so hard Alice," he whispered, lips brushing my forehead, alighting a small fire within my skin. "To just resist everything I want to do to you, but we have to. This is me coming to you as your best friend, not as the hormonal teenager that wants you like a man in the Sahara wants water."
A dry laugh escaped my lips. "That's a terrible comparison Eros."
He returned my laugh, pulling me tighter against him, our bodies flesh together, feeling perfect and right, as though nothing could possibly go wrong.
"But it gets the point across doesn't it? This is us being friends, and nothing more."
I shut my eyes again, pretending like that didn't hurt me. I wanted him to be coming to me as the boy who wanted me, not my best friend. I wanted more than he and I were willing to give.
"I don't want to talk about us," my face was buried in the crook of his neck, his cologne overcoming me and making me want to do things we both knew we shouldn't do.
His fingers twisted the ends of my hair, folding in braids and creating knots I knew I'd have to take out in the morning. I didn't mind though. "What do you want to talk about then?"
"I think Ryder and I got into a fight last night."
"Yeah?" He said softly. "What about?"
I supposed this is what I liked most about Eros, my ability to be true with him, the comfort that we gave to each other letting each other know we weren't alone in our problems.
"His future."
"Oh?" Eros sounded surprised, and I wondered if Ryder's future was ever a topic of conversation.
"He doesn't know what he wants to do and I told him it's okay with not knowing," I confessed, wishing I was talking to Ryder, and actually resolving this issue instead of Eros patiently listening to me.
"You know Ryder Alice. Nothing is ever really spontaneous. He doesn't like surprises and he sure as hell doesn't like not knowing what he wants to do with his life. This is a battle he needs to fight on his own, not with us."
I sat up, annoyed. How could Eros even say that we wouldn't help him.
"Are you saying that he needs to go through this alone?"
Eros looked taken aback and shrugged sheepishly. "There are some things a best friend can only support. Some journeys must be taken alone and I agree with Ryder that this is one of them. I'm not saying he has to go through this alone, just that it's better if he does."
My lips twisted into a frown and I laid back down, snuggling myself into a crook in his body, finding comfort in his warmth. "I don't want him to go through it alone. I want to be there for him always."
Eros' voice was soft, and if he were not the only other person in the room, I wouldn't have heard him.
"That's all he needs Alice. Is for you to support him. Like he supports you, like me."
I looked up, at Eros, his eyes that were bright in the room, eyes that usually brought me a sense of worry and confusion and lust.
"You have no idea how much I want to kiss you right now Alice," his voice was growly and husky, thick with the sexual tension that just entered the room.
I swallowed.
We had to be strong.
"I'm going to talk to Ryder." I stood, and left the room, leaving behind my heart as well.
â¦
"Where were you yesterday?" A worried Claire approached me as soon as the bell for fifth period ended, catching me off guard in the hallway.
I chuckled awkwardly, "Just didn't feel like coming."
Claire rolled her eyes and lifted her books higher on her chest, yellow bag bouncing off her hip. "If I didn't come to school just because I didn't feel like it, I'd never be at school," she joked, handing me a piece of paper. "Anyways, my friend needs some help with her AP Euro class and I said I'd give her your number!" I looked down at the paper with the name 'Iliana Rivers' on it and her number.
"Yeah, I'll text her later," I smiled at Claire.
She nodded. "Okay well I'm also having a small kickback at my house on Friday and I want you to come Alice! Maybe you can even kiss someone," she winked. "I'll teach you how to do it like a pro."
Cue my second fit of awkward laughter, avoiding the subject that I had kissed someone and it was a boy she had been moderately interested in. "I'll try and come."
She turned her head to a boy that just called her name. She waved and smiled brightly, and for a moment, I envied how carefree she was being, how much I wanted to feel like that and not overcome with an awkward amount of teenage angst. "I'll see you later Alice, text me okay!"
I smiled after her retreating figure, mood significantly lightened by her presence and the next class I had, my favorite class.
I fucking loved math class.
Walking into it this afternoon, a massive grin lifted my cheeks, and the substitute teacher in the desk of my favorite teacher, Mrs. Alvarez, wiped it quickly off my face. The sub, a middle-aged man smiled politely at me and I could barely muster a grimace back.
The class that was meant to bring me out of my bad spirits, wouldn't.
Turning away from the teacher's desk, I faced the class that was slowly filling up, a few kids huddling in the middle and a slumped Eros yawning in the back, feet propped on the seat next to him, giving me a slight nod as we made eye contact.
A nod.
I snorted, walking over to the desk and pulling out the chair beside him, causing his feet to land loudly on the tiled floors, rippling through the classroom bringing the attention of the class to him.
"Why is it at school you always act like we're barely friends?"
A muscle in his jaw ticked. "We are barely friends Alice."
My stomach dropped. I tried hard to push last night, the way I left him, the knowledge that slowly we were both pulling away from everything between us and that eventually, we would both move on, with an unresolved romance developing between us.
I tried hard to push our last night of San Francisco far from my mind but Eros was adamant on making sure his message was loud and clearâ we were never to cross those boundaries we had so carelessly done before. I hoped my face didn't reflect my hurt, but like I knew all of Eros' idiosyncrasies, he knew mine as well.
"I don't mean it to hurt you Alice. You know how much you mean to me, this is just the way things need to be." He whispered, pulling in his seat and frowned at me. "We did something we shouldn't have ever done and now we are facing the consequences."
I nodded, albeit falsely, but desperate for some normal conversation between us, anything that would feel even close to before we declared our friendship. "Do you want to come with Ryder, Angelica and I after school to get ice cream at Sandy's?"
Last night, I sort of made up with Ryder, and came to a compromise that he would let me find a few activities to do that might spark his interest. I, had to stop pestering him about it though.
I didn't mind much.
He shrugged. "Maybe. I have some errands to run after school but I might push it off till tomorrow."
Eros fiddled with his rings, the silver glinting lightly in the tungsten light, reflecting his soul, his disassociation with the world, his coldness, looking forward to the remainder of students that came rushing in before the bell.
I pretended like I didn't think that was the hottest thing ever and that I wanted to jump his bones, because to be honest, this sexual tension between us was getting a bit annoying.
A girl with dark hair and even darker eyes made eye contact with Eros and smiled, a true, soft smile.
It was Danielle Bierce, she was an exceptionally talented girl on the soccer field and an ever more exceptional person, everyone loved her.
At least, everyone but Eros.
Eros coldly pursed his lips at her, causing the poor girl's face to flush deeply and scurry to her seat, and find quick conversation with her friends, avoiding the smirk of Eros motherfuckin' Zane.
"You're such a dick."
He swung his head to me lazily and grinned. "I know."
The final bell for class blared in the room, causing the pair of us to jump in our seats and look forward toward the substitute teacher like the good students we were, who now stood with a stack of papers in his hand at the front of the classroom. "Okay, so I'm Mr. Martinez and I'll be your sub for today. Your teacher left some worksheets for you guys to do, so I'll pass those out and then do attendance."
Eros tugged up his hoodie, hiding his soft blonde hair and laid his cheek on his hands, facing toward me as I accepted the worksheets for the two of us as the sub passed us in the back.
He was joking right?
"I know you're a genius and all," I said, placing the paper on Eros' drooped head. "But you gotta do this."
He grumbled in his seat before sitting up and scrawling his name on the corner of the paper and starting the first problem. It was silent for a few minutes as the pair of us actively completed the worksheet, both excelling in this class and quietly competing against one another as to who could finish the worksheet the quickest.
We had the awful habit of doing this in every class we had with one another, and I had the awful habit of nodding off halfway through because Eros' aura began to overwhelm my senses.
Because he was that dreamy.
The door opened silently and the principal stepped into the room and nodded at the sub briefly before walking down the rows, smiling curiously at all the tables. He wore a grim smile on his face, as though he were the barer of bad news, which he typically was.
Our principal had the notorious reputation to only pay attention to the student body when something had gone wrong.
Everything sort of paused, each student raised their heads as they watched the principal pass their row, the room pin-drop silent, the only intelligible sound being the soft scrap of the principal's shoes against the tile.
He came to stop in front of Eros and I's table. Eros kept his head ducked, feverishly finishing the final question on the worksheet, apparently pleased that he finished before me and equally confused, as he glanced over to me, as to why I stopped.
And then he lifted his head, to the principal that stood in front of him.
"Come outside with me Eros."
His lips dipped into a firm frown. "Why."
The principal groaned softly and gestured with his head, "Neither you nor I have time for this Eros. Please come outside with me."
Reluctantly, Eros stood, shoulders hunched slightly as he followed the principal out of the classroom, his head turning for a brief second, his eyes catching mine before his body left the room.
He was scared.
The door shut without a sound, a strange occurrence thinking about how things couldn't have been silent outside. My eyes remained on the shut blue door, my stomach turning with the possibilities of what could be happening outside. It seemed, I wasn't the only curious one, as the entire class seemed to stop working and stare after the boy that just left the room.
"Okayâ get back to your worksheets guys, one bad boy can't possibly ruin your enthusiasm to complete the worksheet I gave you," the sub joked, to a rather still and quiet class.
His face fell and he sat back down at the teacher's desk, slipping his phone out of his pocket and with a last glance at us, looked down at his phone. The class immediately burst into soft whispers, each formulating an idea of what Eros could've done.
But I knew better, I knew Eros hadn't done anything, anything I knew of at least.
"Alice!" Eric, a boy I'd known since second grade hissed my name, a arrogant smile lifting his lips. "What'd your boyfriend do?" He seemed coy and eager to poke fun at Eros, which angered me more than him calling Eros my boyfriend.
My cheeks burned and I snapped at him angrily, "He's not my boyfriend and even if I did know what happened, it's none of your business Eric!"
He recoiled from me, taken aback at my change in tone, and I didn't blame him. I was after all, the kindest girl on the block, who expected me to respond to him in such a sharp, anger-filled voice?
I swallowed, throat dry. "Sorry," I tilted my head down to my paper, finishing the worksheet I had adamantly been working on four minutes ago.
It seemed, my statement resolved the class to working on their worksheets as well, and silence fell on the classroom, the sound of pencils scratching papers filling the tensioned air.
I couldn't fucking focus.
No matter how I tried, my eyes kept returning to the door and my stomach continued to twist and turn unevenly. I tapped my pencil repeatedly against the white paper, foot jiggling as I pondered what was happening. Eros was a good kid, despite what everyone had thought of him. He was kind and smart and understanding, not like the bad boy everyone painted him out to be.
The door opened. Eros, head ducked walked in, hands twisting the rings on his fingers, eyes glued firmly to the floor. The principal looked sadly after him, the door closing in his face.
"Eros?" I asked softly, extending my hand tentatively to a shaken Eros.
He lifted his eyes to me, face was stoic and clear of all emotion, posture tall and daunting, his shoulders broadened as if he were deflecting everything that tried to tear him down that day.
Something was wrong, deeply wrong.
His hand raised to my cheek and he held it, jaw flexed. The contact between us was friendly, and yet, it held so much importance between us. "Tell Ryder I went home early."
"Erosâ" I said again, but his hand had dropped, shuffling his stuff into his beaten and old gray Jansport backpack, lifting it on his shoulder and stepped back.
He bit his bottom lip and swallowed. "Call me later," he mouthed and pivoted on his foot, heading straight for the door, ignoring the substitute teacher that called after him.
â¦
It was 9:00 PM when Eros finally picked up my call.
That was the fifteenth time I had called him since school had ended, and the relief I felt was washed away with the stricken fear that filled me when Eros spoke, that once again, he had lost someone important in his life.
It was 10:42 AM when Eros' grandmother had fallen down the steps in their apartment.
She was just walking down the carpeted steps, playing Candy Crush and missed a step, falling five steps down and crumpled into a solid mass on the floor before she exited the game and called for an ambulance.
She had found it amusing that she fell because of a game, Eros did not.
It was 9:06 PM when Ryder and I got to the hospital to find Eros in heavy sobs beside his perfectly okay grandmother, still playing Candy Crush. He clung to her free hand with both of his, face ducked down though the trail of tears on his cheeks glistened in the awful hospital light.
She shared a room, though there was an ugly plastic curtain separating the beds. Her own bed swallowed her body, the bed completely upright so she sat forward. She had a white bandage wrapped around her wrist, but for the most part, she looked unremarkably like an elderly woman.
"Hey bud," Ryder whispered, stepping forward to stoop down next to Eros' hunched figure sitting on a rickety hospital chair, his hand extending out to touch Eros' back gently.
I was hesitant walking in.
I didn't know Eros' grandmother unlike Ryder. Was it inappropriate for me to be here, providing comfort to a woman who had never met me? I trailed behind Ryder, smiling at Eros' grandmother shyly. A wave of blonde hair fell over her broadened shoulders, skin browned with what seemed to be constant sun, face spotted with sun spots, strands of hair falling into her eyes.
She was gorgeous by all means.
Her brown eyes lifted and landed on Ryder and I and she pursued her lips, shaking her hand in his embrace. "Eros stop crying, your friends are here! Hi Ryder," she faltered looking at me, "and you are?"
She was overwhelmingly warm, placing her phone on her lap and extended a modestly wrinkled brown hand for me to shake.
I stepped forward hurriedly, "I'm Alice," I took her, bandaged cold hand in my two, squeezing her hand softly.
"You can just call me Grams," she joked, extracting her hand to have it land on Eros' mess of light hair. "I'm sure you can excuse my grandson's behavior, I'm sure you both know how much the remainder of his family means to him."
I flitted my eyes away, jealously staring at a photo of roses on the wall.
Family was not that important to me.
It seemed, something so prevalent and essential to normal people's lives was a luxury to me, foreign and uncomfortable. I had Angelica, and she was truly one of the few people I held close enough to my heart to call family. There was my grandmother, but as I got older, she felt less and less inclined to make sure Angelica and I didn't go insane because of my father.
And then there was my father. A man I wasn't even sure I considered family, not after the way he treated me, the way that he hit me. Someone who laughed in the face of family.
But I wanted it to matter to me anyways.
Fuck did I just want a normal family dynamic and people that cared about me that were blood, I wished with all my heart that family did matter to me.
But it didn't. And it probably won't.
Eros raised his head, lips pressing against the skin of her hand. "Alice is the girl I've told you about. My one of two friends."
Eros' grandmother rolled her eyes. "You make such a big deal that you only have two friends when it's obviously by choice that you have two friends." She reached out and grabbed her phone. "Now that you're done crying, can you get me a coffee please? If I'm going to be here overnight I want to get past level 200!"
She was Eros' grandmother? I don't know why I kept picturing a pristine, thin woman with white hair and blue eyes like Eros', stern but loving. She, well she was the complete opposite of that, warm and joking, sarcastic and relatively kind.
I liked her.
"You're joking right?" Eros muttered, snatching her phone from her hands. "You literally fell down the stairs because you were playing this stupid game and you want to continue?"
She raised her eyebrows and stuck her hand out patiently. "Did I break anything? Am I injured? No! So why would I stop?"
Eros' nostrils flared. "Cream and sugar?" He placed the phone back in her outstretched hand.
She nodded happily.
Ryder pushed on my back toward the door, "Let's go home babe, he's okay, he'll call us if he needs us."
Looking up at Ryder, my hand found his, and I reached up and kissed his cheek. "You're a good best friend," I said softly, taking slow steps to the door, feeling massively comforted that Eros was slightly okay, that his grandmother was alright.
"As you are too Alice."
I turned my head and waved at his grandmother, watching Eros follow us toward the door.
"When I said I wanted you to meet my grandmother, this isn't what I meant Alice," Eros grumbled, shutting the door after him, patting Ryder's shoulder and leaning forward to kiss my forehead. "Thank you guys for coming though. I might not come to school tomorrow so can you get me my work?"
"Anything bud," Ryder gave a tight smile. "You know we're always here. For anything."
Eros sniffled, and then broke out into tears again, hot tears falling rapidly down his cheeks, face contorted in pain.
My eyes widened in panic of his sudden outburst, seeing Eros in pain was something I'd never get used to, something I wouldn't ever enjoy.
"I was just so afraid that she wasn't okay, that I was alone again," his voice cracked with each word, my heart aching for each crack. "I know she only fell down the fucking stairs but fuckâ she's all the family I have left."
I reached out and clung to Eros sweaty hand, rubbing circles over and over again in the skin. "She's okay Eros," I said quietly, desperate for this part of Eros to fade from view. "She'll leave tomorrow and know to pause her game on the stairs, everything will turn out how it's supposed to."
Ryder ruffled Eros' hair. "Besides, she isn't the only family you have now. Eros at this point, you've seen too much to not be considered my family. You won't ever be alone in this world."
Eros hiccuped and fell into our arms, leaning his weight against us. "I fucking hate you guys," he cried. "Why can't you let me wallow in my misery?"
I reached up and weaved my fingers in his hair, breathing deeply, finding myself calming in the arms of my two best friends, the people I couldn't possibly do this life thing without. The two people that tried to understand my pain even when they couldn't.
"Because we love you Eros. And we won't leave you."
â¦
who has started school??
*everyone but me raises their hand*
yeah-- i haven't started school yet but i'm terrified, ya gyal is about to be a college freshman and i'm literally shitting bricks HHAHAHAAHHA
but if you have, please don't despair. i don't mean to sound like a guyanese gma but remember, dem can tuk wey everyting but dey cant tuk weh yuh education. so in normal english that reads: they can take away everything but they can't take away your education! growing your mind is so important and i'm so excited for the knowledge i'm going to gain this year, and i hope you are too.
unless you're in high school.
cause that ABSOLUTELY sucks.
all my love
also how do we feel about smut. i gotta know because uh, there's a little and i want to know how explicit i can make each part.