I was incredibly nervous. I was so friggin' nervous that I didn't even drive with Angelica and let her drive alone to school because I was afraid of what she would say. I caught the rundown school bus that quite literally only the freshman had taken. Even then and there, I felt the gawking eyes of the underclassmen that surely didn't know me, but in the matter of a glance, wanted to know me.
The sun was settling up in the sky, bright and clear when I finally stepped foot onto campus, chills rising from my legs and through my thin shirt, to my exposed cleavage and arms.
April was just ending and although it should've been hot, I think the universe wanted to prove to me I was not the girl I wanted to prove to them I was.
I was an alienated girl, exiled by one of the most popular juniors in our school, but despite that, I couldn't help but wonder what they would say when they saw me, the sheer shirt and sexy bra that was underneath.
Claire alienated me, and even though I'm sure she meant to have me fade into the background like I was supposed to, I wasn't that girl anymore. If my list was exposed four months ago, I would've disappeared.
But that was then. I'm a different girl now, and they have no idea what they've done.
I crossed the empty campus toward my locker, surprised at how many students were forty minutes early to first period, eyes locking on me with bewildered astonishment. They couldn't look away, and I was ashamed to admit it, thrilled me.
"Alice?" Ryder locked eyes with me, standing four lockers away, messily chatting it up with a naive freshman. His arm pressed up against the green metal, the boy he was talking to hidden by the locker door, but even he turned and snuck a peak at the slut of the school.
"Ryder?" I replied in that same tone, grabbing a textbook without looking, hoping it was the one I needed.
"What are you wearing?" He asked in that same confused tone.
I tilted my head, a surge of confidence daring me to play with him. "They think I'm a slut Ryder? I'll give them a fucking slut," I slammed the locker, gave Ryder a wink, and walked off with the arrogance comparable to his.
There was a certain Ryder smirk that I loved. It was strong and daring, it made you want more, want him. I think in a way, that smirk is what so many people fell in love with. He knew he was the shit and he knew that everyone knew he was the shit. He owned it, and that's what I've always loved about him.
He was never afraid to be who he was.
And neither was I.
The sounds of my heeled boots echoed in the empty corridor that would be full in a matter of minutes. I was alone in these hallways apart from the lonely stranger that was too absorbed in their own lives to notice me slowly strolling about our campus.
"Alice!"
I knew he was going to follow me, I just knew him too well at this point, and he knew me way too freaking well. I paused in my step but didn't turn around, waiting for the words I knew would come.
"Dressing like a slut doesn't make you one."
I knew who I was, I didn't have to prove anything to anyone. I suppose I just wanted to prove something to myself, to them that even if I was that girl, that didn't change who I was, what I stood for.
I stiffened. "What the fuck is wrong with being a slut Ryder?"
I could feel him falter, practically see the creases in his face as he attempted to calm me but also console my badly wounded identity.
"You don't have to dress like this to prove something to anyone."
At this point, I pivoted on the tiled floor, my hand reaching underneath my shirt as I unclipped the bra and pulled my arms out from it. I dangled it on the edge of my forefinger.
"I'm not just proving something to anyone Ryder, I am proving something to myself."
With a gentle swoop of my finger, I tossed the lacy white bralette at his shell-shocked face.
"I don't need anyone's validation, I know who I am."
He looked hurt at this, and although I was consuming a life with no attachments, his face sought to haunt my day.
â¦
Things weren't getting any easier as the day went on. I was completely and undeniably, an alienated girl. It seemed that Claire's words were enough to turn them against me, so I stood alone against the stares and snickers, along with the wide eyes at my exposed boobs.
I was beginning to regret the decision to give Ryder my bra. I wasn't sure if it was a mixture of shame or regret or modesty that wished my nipples weren't poking through my shirt, but in the few moments that people's eyes would flick down to my boobs and up was enough for me to hate how thin my shirt was and how abnormally pointy my nipples were.
Even my favorite class wouldn't cheer me up. I casually strolled in, books pressed tightly to my chest, eyes lifting to the staring class that instantly turned away from me. I felt myself blush with embarrassment and ducked my head, walking to the table I once shared with Eros.
A sharp stab penetrated my heart looking at the empty seat next to mine, he might be working at the ice cream store right now, staying at home with his grandma, formulating the most painful ways to kill me. As I sat, I pondered where he would sit when he came back or if he'd forced me to move seats. I wondered if he'd sit with Claire across the classroom, or if she'd take my seat.
"So you are a slut huh?"
I turned my head to the side, where two tables up and one to the right, Claire taunted me.
She wanted a reaction out of me, and I so dearly wanted to give her one. Instead I gave her a polite smile and nodded, hoping that if I did open my mouth, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of embarrassing myself.
"At least you're not hiding the fact that you're a common whore anymore."
My cheeks began to pump with heat, people turning in their chairs to witness the least bit of drama.
I was so pissed off I spoke without thinking. "Yes Claire!" I said sarcastically, "I am not hiding anything anymore as you can see by my fucking nipples that are clearer than the school water. Thanks for being a fantastic woman and slut-shaming me," I gave her the fakest warm smile.
"And you're a great woman for sleeping with another girl's man?"
Well, she got me there.
I pursed my lips. "I never claimed I was a great woman. In fact Claire, I am an awful woman and an even worse friend. There is no denying that Claire, and you made the whole school know so low and behold! Everyone is safe from me."
The class was hanging onto every word that left my lips and I wanted to continue, I wanted to let go of this guilt but I couldn't. I deserved it and I would let myself drown for as long as Eros hated me.
Claire should've looked happy that I admitted what I did, admitted how horrible I was, but instead she sat twisting a pencil in her fingers looking uncomfortable. She tucked her hair behind her ear. In this light, I could see her pain, how much what I did hurt her and for a moment, I internalized this.
What must it have felt like, when you're just starting in your relationship with a new boy, everything is fresh and new and exciting and your best friend tells you that one of your new friends slept with the boy you had gone on a date with the day before.
My guilt intensified and I couldn't justify my anger with her any longer. I was wholly in the wrong, and I didn't know if I'd ever be free of it.
She hummed and I looked up to listen to her. "And in the process of being a horrible woman and friend, you broke Eros' heart and lost the love of Ryder so, I think that's punishment enough," Her eyes glinted evilly and I shrunk in my seat.
Despite the pain she was in, she knew what she was doing to me, she got everything I wanted, everything I took for granted. She had that complicated relationship with Eros and a strong friendship with Ryder.
Claire had everything.
â¦
We sat separate, wellâacross from one another but it felt as though we were oceans apart. I stared hard at my ice cream, wondering when it became so hard for me to talk to a boy I felt like I could always go to, my forever friend.
Ryder sighed heavily. "We aren't going anywhere with this Alice."
My eyes flitted up to the handsome boy in front of me, the boy that tolerated all of my shit and always came to me with the gentlest of hands, the kindest person I knew.
I swallowed my shame and changed the subject back to what we were here for, not indulging in the thoughts that maybe Ryder still wanted to hang out with me.
"Do you understand how to use the second derivative or do you want me to explain it again?"
Ryder nodded and scribbled on the white paper, blue spoon coated in ice cream hanging from his lips.
There was an invisible barrier separating us and I craved to shatter it.
I opened my mouth to speak but Ryder beat me to it, "Stop staring at me Alice. I know you're upset about Eros and you're confused about your identity and you're allowed that. But don't fucking drag me into it," his eyes, sharp like his tongue locked with mine. "I love you and you know that I want the best for you but I can't be part of this journey Alice. Not only did your reputation get ruined, but so did mine. So did Eros'."
"Ryderâ" I frowned in indignation as he cut me off.
"So before you go blab to me about your problems please try and think about what I've been going through and how hard this has been for me too."
I fell silent, and he resumed his schoolwork all the while I felt like I had lost my footing in the world.
"I'm sorry that I've done this to us," I spoke softly, to the papers in front of me. I couldn't bear to feel his gaze as I took the responsibility that I'd been avoiding for so long. "I tore you away from Luna and I tore this new friend group apart. There's no one else to blame but myself, and for the first time, I acknowledge this," I shrugged, fiddling with the ends of my hair.
"I'm sorry if I've put you in the uncomfortable position of choosing between Eros and I. I never wanted that and it's unfair to you. I love you so much hubby, please don't hate me."
I saw his hand reach across the table and tear mine away from my split-ends. "You are forgiven wifey. The golden trio will come back eventually. Besides, you both have to be on your best behavior for my birthday party," his aura was exuding so much kindness that my shame melted off and I raised my gaze to him.
"That's this Friday Ryder, you're getting too ahead of yourself. I'm not even sure if we can stand in the same room without one shooting eye-daggers at the other," I joked, hoping some bad humor would continue the vibes between Ryder and I.
Ryder rolled his eyes. "You know how angry Maria is going to be when I tell her that you guys are fighting? She's going to take both of you by the ear and shove you in a room to talk it out."
I laughed at this. "Which is why you aren't going to tell her Ryder!"
"I cannot guarantee she won't ask why you guys aren't over all the time."
I stabbed my spoon into the chocolate chip ice cream. "Have you seen him recently?"
"Yeah," Ryder said immediately. "He needs me a bit more than usual because he doesn't have you and because he isn't ready to let Claire in. He misses you Alice, even if he won't admit it."
The sun was just beginning to settle on the horizon and I stared at it, although my eyes burned.
"If I were being honest, this current relationship between Eros and I would be perfect. We wanted to stay away from one another, we decided we couldn't be friends until we lost feelings. Butâ" my voice cracked unexpectedly. "But him hating me? I can't stand it. And I wish we could be more mature about this and I wish we didn't always let our feelings get in the way of our friendship or outside relationships."
Ryder held my hand tightly. "I know it's been hard between the two of you, and I know about that arrangement, and even if it could work Alice, you'd both be miserable. Some people can either be in a relationship or nothing at all, and honestly, that's where Eros and you fall."
I rested my chin on my free hand and quickly diverted the subject. "So when do you need me over to help set up?"
He was fast to let go of my hand. "Uh, well. Claire and Luna and Eros are coming over Thursday and Friday evening, and no offense Alice, I don't think any of them would really be comfortable with you being there."
I could feel the instant burn of tears in my eyes. That fucking hurt. The stability I gained in the last minute of conversation was lost again, and it took everything in me to not burst into tears in front of Ryder.
As I ruined my relationships, I had to pay it back. I just didn't expect it to hurt like this.
â¦