The only two people who could stand me at this moment stood on each side of me as we got closer and closer to security letting people into the party, and the longer we stood, the more sure I was that this party was not where I belonged.
I wasn't wanted here, I wasn't wanted in this house that I had a key to, a room that was given to me for my birthday. There was a burn of tears as I stared at the house I once could call home.
Henry kissed the side of my head. "Stop freaking out Alice, let's forget about everyone and just have fun."
I shrugged off his hold, fun? I just wanted to survive the night.
"Names?" The security guard asked as we came to the front of the line.
"It's the Black family," Angelica spoke up with so much strength, I felt envious. She looked beautiful tonight, a gold dress framing her perfect figure. She was welcome here, she was loved by everyone, and I immediately felt even worse.
I ruined her relationship with Eros.
Tearing my eyes from her, I looked at the list in the guard's hand reading, 'Alice and Angelica Black +2 guests'. I felt better seeing that it wasn't just Angelica's name there, that I still held enough of Ryder's heart to be on the list.
The security guard nodded us in, and the three of us stepped forward into the intricately decorated house. It felt like a scene pulled straight from The Great Gatsby from the intense casino like tables and glittering champagne glasses that were strewn across every free surface.
A waiter walked up to us as we ventured further into the unrecognizable house, offering us each crystal glasses filled with bubbling yellow liquid. "Drink?"
I gave the waiter a soft smile and grabbed one, downing it in one gulp.
It was apple cider.
Through I wasn't surprised, I was definitely disappointed. There was one thing I knew for sure about tonight, I was not surviving without at least being tipsy. Placing the empty glass back on the tray, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, deserting Angelica and Henry right then and there, in search of hard liquor, my body knowing exactly where to lead me.
Ryder caught my eye across the living room and I saw him excuse himself, his brow furrowed with a slight downturn of his lips.
"Hey Alice!" He tried to cover his apparent disappointment with excitement and even he knew that I saw through it. Nevertheless he pulled me into a tight hug, rubbing my back softly in the way Ryder only did.
I missed his hugs, and I succumbed to him, my body melting against his as he embraced me tightly. "Hey birthday boy," I said softly on his suit jacket, my body without consent watering my eyes. I blinked rapidly as we pulled away.
Ryder didn't notice.
"Is Angelica here? Did she bring anyone?" He asked, not looking at me, searching for my sister in the crowd behind me.
I looked down, feeling more out of place than ever. "Yeah she's here, she didn't bring anyone though, the boy she's dating luckily got his own invitation to your party."
"Fantastic!" He exclaimed. "I hope you don't mind me asking if you avoid Claire, Luna, and Eros like the plague tonight, Luna was putting up such a front that you were still coming tonight and it took me forever to persuade her that you aren't a menace to society," he joked with me but his mind was elsewhere, I could see it in every part of him, he was dying to get away from me.
"Okay well I'm going to find the brandy," I pulled away from his grip and took a step towards the kitchen, willing myself not to burst into tears, not to run away and go homeâ I couldn't abandon Henry or Angelica like that, though considering it, they probably would be better off without me here.
"Alice?" Ryder said again, and as I turned to look back at him, he wore the same downturn of his lips, except this time, he was concerned. "Are you okay?"
I nodded before my lips could even open, before my mind could process that his concern was directed to me. "Of course I am hubby!" I said, but it was obvious I wasn't okay.
To avoid more questioning where I was sure to begin to cry at my best friend's birthday party in front of the birthday boy, I turned a sharp corner and came into the kitchen, and it was like deja vu, seeing Eros.
In a very similar manner to the Gala, Eros stood apart from everyone and yet still surrounded by adoring eyes. He held the crystal glass close to his lips, eyes unfocused on Claire who stood in front of him. He wore a tuxedo, fitted and all black, just like Ryder had wanted.
My hand closed around the bottle of brandy I knew Eros was drinking from, and reaching up into the china cabinet where all the glasses Eros drank from where, I shakily grabbed one and poured a healthy amount of the dark amber liquid, drinking the alcohol greedily, pouring more into my glass as it became empty.
I no longer needed to be tipsy, I needed to be drunk. I needed to forget this guilt and the fact that I wasn't wanted here, I wanted to forget the time when my life was amazing because of two special boys.
I craved the numbness that I knew lay at the bottom of this brandy bottle. I suddenly understood why my father drank, and it made me even more upset. I finished off the second glass in seconds and poured another, so close to my breaking point.
"Well, well well," Claire's voice traveled across the kitchen and I froze in my spot, still holding the crystal bottle. "The wicked witch decided to grace us with her presence."
My eyes shut tightly involuntarily, as if my mind was trying to protect me from her. I couldn't break down in front of Claire, I wouldn't break down, I couldn't give her that satisfaction. Opening my eyes, I placed the bottle back on the counter, turning to face her, holding the brandy tightly in my hand.
"It's my best friend's birthday Claire, this isn't me 'gracing everyone with my presence'â no one cares if I'm here or not," I said pointedly, hoping and praying that she would get bored of me and allow me to get drunk on my own.
She made a face. "Ryder isn't exactly your best friend right now though, isn't he?"
My eyes began to water, that breaking point, it was so fucking close. "You're right," I agreed and by hearing my voice, I knew the alcohol was getting to me. "He isn't."
"Then why are you here Alice? You aren't wanted here!" Her voice eventually became high and shrill as though she were throwing a tantrum.
I couldn't do this. Looking down at the liquid, I downed it again. "I don't know, Angelica didn't want to drive on her own."
That was a lie, but Claire didn't need to know that, no one really needed to know that. And yet, at the mention of Angelica's name, Eros' eyes refocused on me, and that fucking hurt. His relationship with Angelica was obliterated because of what he did on my porch all those nights ago, and I could feel that all he wanted was his girl back.
He wanted her back, but not me.
"I can drive her home since you're already getting shit-faced two minutes into the party," Eros approached me ruthlessly, his defenses impenetrable, his kindness ever extended for Angelica, my perfect sister.
I swallowed and watched as he saw the tears in my eyes, his face unchangeable. He didn't care about me anymore. "I'm not sureâ" I began.
"Alice!"
Henry found me, finally.
The whole kitchen turned their heads to look at the boy entering the kitchen, and I found comfort in Henry's outwards appearance, how clean cut he looked, the boy I should be in love with. He smiled calmly at me and I found peace in that. Somehow, Henry could remain calm and ambivalent when the world around him was burning in flames.
"There you are love, Angelica is off with one of her boy-toys and somehow, you've managed to evade me," his lips brushed my forehead as he pulled me into his side.
He knew.
Henry knew everything and yet he was still defending me, still giving me the benefit of the doubt even though we both knew I didn't deserve it.
Henry pretended to look up and see Eros for the first time, despite how much darkness was exuding from Eros at this moment in time. "Oh, hey Eros, didn't see you there," Henry stuck out his hand.
Eros didn't touch it, but instead pushed an apprehensive Claire forward. "This is my girlfriend, Claire."
Claire smiled politely, obviously uncomfortable in this situation she was in, between two insanely attractive boys. "Nice to meet you..."
"Henry," he extended his hand and regarded Claire with a warm, almost overpowering smile. "Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Claire."
Eros grumbled and pulled Claire away from Henry before she could shake his hand, pivoting on his foot and moving toward the hallway. "C'mon Claire, I want to dance."
I let go of a breath I didn't know I was holding in, and pulled Henry's hand to mine, my clammy palm rubbing up against his smooth one.
He pulled me out of the kitchen, plucking the empty crystal glass from my hand and leaving it on a table to be long forgotten. "Are you drunk Alice Black?"His fingers rubbed circles in my skin as he led me to the crowd of people dancing.
"Yes," I sighed, still rather upset. "I just want to go home Henry, will you be okay on your own?"
"No!" He protested angrily and held me at an arms distance, lecturing me. "Don't let Eros ruin tonight for you. Yeah, shit sucks right now but we can still have a great time. Free booze and food? C'mon Alice, we can make this fun!"
At this, my lips quirked a bit. It was nice having someone care this much about me, but a part of me wished it was someone else standing with me.
He grinned. "See? There's a little bit of that beautiful smile. Now will it be too much of a bother to dance with me Alice?" he pulled me close so his hands rested on each hip, turning us around and around, become a spinning mess without the dizziness.
I would pretend I was okay, just long enough until we could leave and I could cry my heart out. I looked up at him and kissed him softly to forget everything as lost ourselves to the thumping rhythm of the music, as the alcohol really smacked me in the face.
Our bodies gyrated, hair flying through the air, and as we danced, I didn't have to pretend much, I enjoyed being with Henry and he helped me forget that Ryder and Eros didn't really like me anymore. Henry was here, he was here with me, making me feel better, making me feel better than I have in the past two weeks.
We panted before one another, my mind forgetting how this song was the one I kissed Eros to at my birthday, how much meaning the song had held for the two of us. Everything was forgotten and for a brief moment, it was just two bodies moving on the dance floor in a trance.
And I allowed myself to have this moment, and caught up in the moment, I leant up against Henry and kissed him with everything in me.
He kissed me gently like he didn't want to hurt me, cupping my cheeks in his hands and holding me as though I was the most delicate thing in his life. Our lips moved against each other in a manner similar to our dance, lustful and pure, happy and genuine. My fingers came up to tangle in his dark hair, eyes shut against the world, against Eros.
But he wasn't all that shut against me. I was yanked away from my dream-turned-reality by him, Eros' grip on my wrist that led me up the stairs tight enough to leave a bruise.
Eros opened the door to his room, pushing me in it, slamming the door behind him. I jumped in brewing fear, maybe making out with Henry at Ryder's birthday party wasn't the best idea. I sat on his bed, looking nervously at his tensed back.
He turned to me with emotionless eyes and his voice was clear, brooding, calm, "I don't like it when kiss other guys."
I swallowed shakily even though I knew well what I had done to him, how he was feeling. "Are you jealous Eros?"
There was a pregnant pause, and I knew.
"Abso-fucking-lutely." His eyes sparkled, a ghost of a smile hinting on his face.
I ignored this.
"Number nine Eros," I said in reference to the paper still stuck to his bedside table in Ryder's house. "Everyone suddenly started to have input on a list that was supposed to be private, so I decided I needed to take things into my own hands."
His gaze faltered as he looked upon the paper, the faint photocopied version that was made with my consent. "I would've preferred you to do that with me."
My cheeks burned with embarrassment or need, I would never know. "You don't mean that Eros. You're drunk. Besides I shouldn't be the one to remind you that we aren't acquaintances, let alone lovers."
"You're right." He agreed. "I am drunk and if I were sober right now I wouldn't want to have anything to do with you. But that's the determinative factor isn't it Alice? I'm fucking wasted and you're kissing a boy that isn't me and I'm jealous out of my fucking mind." He folded his arms against his chest.
There was a long pause where I took in his words, tried to deny how much I wanted him. But the truth persisted like the nagging feeling I got whenever I gave Ryder my homework to copy.
I wanted him, I might always want him, and the truth was, it wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair to me, Eros, Claire, or Henry.
"You can't say these things Eros, not when we aren't friends and won't ever be again. You can't say these things because I have a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend." I whispered but he heard it as if I were screaming.
"You have a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend because we were too pussy to try and date," he growled angrily.
I cringed from his vulgarity.
"It's not that and you know it," I said softly.
I felt him weaken before me, and I continued to speak. "It's not that we are scared for a relationship, that other people are stopping us or even that we don't want to risk our friendship. I think both of us know that we're toxic to one another."
He nodded and that perhaps shattered my heart.
"It isn't just contained to the sexual aspect of our relationship, it's leaked into our everyday encounters. That's why you're standing in front of me, that's why every time we've spoken since you've gotten suspended it's been in a fight."
"We're toxic," he affirmed out loud.
"How can we do better?" I pleaded unexpectedly, a wash of panic seizing me. I was fine with this fight but recognizing everything that was wrong with us, recognizing the core of our problems and that being something so powerful shook me.
"Start all over again."
Eros didn't recognize the panic in me as his gaze rose towards me one last time, as if he knew that our confession would be the end of us forever.
"I can't do this without you."
His gaze remained soft, "And I can't do this without you. But we have a lot of issues that we have to sort out. Not just between us, but me, you. Our relationship can't be forged on your past daddy-issues and my reluctance to be a functioning human being. When we come together Alice, I can promise you one thing. We'll be whole again."
My lip quivered and I knew I was about to cry. I didn't even care that it was in front of Eros, I was just so damn exhausted with everything between us. Eros saw the tears welling in my eyes and reached forward to hold my cheek.
The door opened, casting a sliver of light on the two of us, and Henry stood there in the doorway, fists tightened, eyes focused on me and only me. A few tears spilled out of my overflowing eyes.
Fuck.
"Eros could you give us a moment?" Henry said coldly, hands resting on his hips.
Eros left without a backward glance to me and it was like a punch to my gut.
Henry shut the door after him, turning to me slowly, expectantly.
I swallowed finding guilt as I looked into Henry's hurt eyes.
"I fucking like you Alice," he spluttered after a moments silence. "And I come to find out I'm being used as a pawn to make Eros jealous?"
I remained quiet, having no defenses.
"This isn't right Alice. When we started this, I know things were happening between you and Eros, but I thought that ended when we made things official. I thought things were over between you two. I wanted it to work out between us, but I can't do this with you if you're still interested in Eros!"
"I'm so sorry Henry."
"No," he snapped. "You're not. Because if you actually liked me, if you respected me, you wouldn't do this to me."
I felt tears welling in my eyes. "It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I thought I could get over Eros, I thought we could work. I like you a lot, it's just, I like Eros too."
Henry growled with frustration. "You think I don't know that? Even when we went to the play I could see the way you looked at him, the way he looked at you. I wanted us to work Alice, fuck did I want us to work. But," he sighed. "I understand."
Through my tears, I watched as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his slacks.
"I'm not upset that you're falling for Eros, I've seen him and I understand. I could never compete with two nerds as intense as you two. I'm upset you didn't make that clear to me from the start. If you had been honest I wouldn't have gotten so invested in you."
"I'm so sorry Henry!" I cried, standing and throwing my arms around Henry. "If I could unlike Eros, trust me, I would've done that weeks ago." I pulled away with a sheepish smile.
He held my face. "Alice Black, you've been a shitty person these past few weeks, but forgiveness is possible and that's why I'm forgiving you. Yeah, you shouldn't have treated me like that, but I can't lie and say I haven't done the exact same thing. I'm always going to be on your side, this time as a friend."
I sobbed harder, what a fucking gentleman. "I don't deserve your friendship Henry! Who would chose Eros, over you?" I sniffled.
He frowned at me, cocking his head to the right. "You really like him don't you."
Statement, not question and I was momentarily shocked by his bluntness, wiping the tears from my sopping face.
I nodded.
"Then it's simple Alice. Forget this stupid shit about you being mad at him and him being mad at you. Small stuff like that isn't worth it, life is too fucking short. Just tell him you like him. And if he rejects you, at least you put it out there, you tried. Love is worth fighting for Alice."
I didn't deserve Henry, I didn't deserve his help and kind words.
My gaze flitted the photo on my wall, of just Eros and I. Of course beside it was an even larger photo of Ryder and Eros, but I always favored the one of Eros and I more.
"It's not just our fights Henry," I admitted reluctantly.
"You don't know him as I do. When he loves, he loves without reservation, he loves so deeply that he's terrified of losing those special people in his life. But he loves me differently. He might love me so much that he's pushed me away in the justification that this wayâ he'll never lose me."
My throat burned. "But he already lost me."