Sitting in front of the TV, I wasn't really sure that this is what Angelica and I wanted. Sure, we wanted to be a family, a true family, but surely there was a better way than doing this?
I twisted my hands in my lap as I contemplated this thought, tuning out the sound of Angelica's footsteps as she came into the living room.
"Geez!" She exclaimed, eyes scanning over my tense figure. "It's Dad. What's the worst he'll say to us?"
I raised my head in annoyance as I hissed, "He could hit us! What do you mean what's the worst he'll say to us? I'm not worried about his words Angelica!"
She winced at my hostile tone and sat quickly down next to me, though on the far side of the couch, her hands mocking mine as they twisted.
Shit.
The last thing I wanted to do was upset her right now, we were supposed to be a united front against our father, show that we wanted to do this together, and how could we do that when I literally just snapped at her? I basically alienated her.
And I'm sure my words were just as sharp as our father's could be.
His heavy footfalls became audible as he neared the staircase and our heads snapped up.
"Is it too late to bail?" She whispered to me.
Our father came into view.
"Yes."
The fear that rose in me was muffling, and the voice I once had, was extinguished.
Our dad's eyes landed on us, and as he came to the landing in front of the stairs, he frowned at us. "Why are you guys looking at me like that?"
While I feared he'd come out of his room a mess, hair strewn across his face and bags layering under his eyes he looked...presentable. He didn't look as nice as he typically did when he went into the office, but he certainly wasn't covered in his own vomit.
"We wanted to talk," Angelica spoke, her voice shaking slightly. I scooted closer to her and grabbed her hand. "About us. About us being a family."
"Iâum," He shifted from foot to foot, unsure, until he came to sit in the only open chair, the rocking chair besides the TV.
Our mother's rocking chair.
"Okay," he said tentatively, nervously looking between the two of us.
I began to talk before Angelica had the chance. From the way her voice shook and how she clutched back at my hand, I supposed she needed me to take over. "We think that it's time we start working on our issues. About Mom's death, and about the way we've needed you over these past few years. We wantâwe want to be a family Dad." I stumbled over my last few words as his eyes began to fill with tears.
But I was more angry than anything else. He's crying? He doesn't have that right. We should be crying and he should be begging to work on his relationship with us.
"I think that's a good idea girls." He roughly wiped the tears away from his eyes with the flesh of his palms. "I'll talk to my coworkers if they know any family therapists. They're all attorneys so I expect they all have therapists for their kids anyways," he joked.
We didn't laugh.
His resolve faltered. "I know I'm not a good father and I know I've caused damage to you both and...and I'm sorry for that. It's hard," he paused as he began to tear up again. "She would be so upset with me if she could see how I've treated you both."
Despite myself, I felt my anger taper slightly. He was truly our only link to our mother, what she was like, how she would've loved us. And despite my anger, I so longed to hear stories about her, about our parents falling in love, building a relationship with my father.
"She would be."
Angelica broke my train of thought with her cold words. I turned to look at her and saw two fat lines of tears running down her cheeks. I squeezed her hand harder.
He bit his lip and his eyes flitted to the coffee table, as though he could avoid our anger and disappointment if he didn't look at us. "I'm going out today. I'd like it if you guys came with me."
I could feel Angelica glance at me, but I was still looking at him, scrutinizing his clean appearance. Truthfully, the only time he seemed approachable was when he had to go to work, and it was the weekend. Where was he going today?
I voiced my concerns, "Where?"
At my question, he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Wellâwell your grandmother's actually."
My anger grew hot in my chest.
"Why are you going there?" Malice laced my tone, but I couldn't help it. Angelica and I barely saw our grandmother and he was maintaining a relationship with his dead wife's mom, over us?
He shifted uncomfortably, "Well actually, I've been to see her a few times. I'm trying to learn how to have relationships with family."
"And you just thought to exclude us from this? Don't we deserve a relationship with you too Dad? Don't we deserve you trying with us?" I said snarkily, folding my arms across my chest.
His eyes stared deeply into mine, the gray swirling guiltily, and he swallowed. "You do. You guys absolutely do. Would you like to join me? I think your grandmother would love to see you both."
I felt Angelica's hand before I could look at her, and she answered for both of us. "We'd love to Dad."
The guilt that was tormenting his face lightened as he gave us both an apprehensive smile. "Great!" He exclaimed, standing from the rocking chair. "Great," he muttered, walking away and grabbing his keys from the bowl by the door.
We followed him silently, exchanging small glances of hope. We hadn't seen our grandmother in years. She usually just called and mailed us our birthday presents, that was the extent of our relationship. She lived too far for us to see often and Dad never wanted to take us.
The prospect of spending upwards of an hour in the car with our dad made me worry slightly, so before I exited the door, I grabbed two books for Angelica and I to read on the way. I handed her the first book.
"Sense and Sensibility?" She wrinkled her nose.
I laughed. "You say that like it's a bad book. Jane Austen was an incredibly gifted writer."
"You might be right," Angelica started, pulling open the passenger door. "But unless you're decently verse in old English, it's not that much of an easy read as it is deciphering what the heck they are trying to say."
"Your mother actually loved that book." Our father broke into the conversation as we all clipped in our seatbelts, Angelica and I taking pause at his words.
"Really?" Angelica breathed.
"She also complained about not being able to understand old English very well but my mother had gifted it to her and she was fairly determined to show my mother that she was capable."
I glanced at Angelica in the front seat, wondering when she was going to catch onto the history of our family, when she'd realize that months after I was born, our father's mother died and Angelica was named after her.
I wondered if she realized that when our mother died, our father was not only grieving the loss of her, but his own mother as well.
â¦
Two hours later, we were pulling into the driveway of a very quaint, very small house. The house might've been tiny, but it made up for it two-fold in the expanse of flowers and fruit trees and bushes our grandmother had planted in her front yard.
Our grandmother stepped out onto her porch and her eyebrows disappeared into her hair when she saw Angelica and I exit the car. "Oh!" She gasped, her hands rising to cover her mouth. "My girls!"
Before Angelica or I could react, she came cantering down the stairs, ignored our father who gave her an incredulous stare, and lunged for us, pulling us both into the tightest hug we had ever received. My eyes widened at her strong grip and for a moment, I awkwardly patted her back, but quickly after, succumbed to the unfamiliar hold of a mother. It was warm and affectionate, without any motivations and I felt myself melt under the touch of a woman who would love me always.
"Hi Grandma," I whispered into her hair, breathing deeply and attempting to memorize her perfume, it was minty and clear with the faintest touch of sugar and sweets. She tightened her hold on us before she released us.
"God you both are so beautiful," She cupped our cheeks. "Angelica you are a splitting image of your mother and Alice!" Her eyes moved to mine and I felt myself weaken at the knees. "Your fathers features suit you, better than him I dare say."
She laughed and then turned to him. "Edward!" She looked him over once before pulling him into a strong hug. "You look like you've put on a few pounds!"
"Lily!" Our father exclaimed, laughing as he pulled away from their hug. "Well does the extra weight look good?"
She warmly touched his cheek. "You've always been handsome and I don't see why that has to end any time soon."
Angelica and I made a face at each other at the sight of this odd exchange.
"Handsome?" Angelica mouthed at me.
I could only shrug in response.
Our grandmother looked back at us and our awkward postures and I slid my gaze over to her, watching her carefully. She pulled a solemn smile and beckoned toward the house with a shake of her head.
"C'mon," her words were soft. "I just finished making lunch."
My father, Angelica, and I followed her into the house.
As we entered the front door, I was suddenly struck with intensely buried memories, the simple fragrance of the house regressing me to the days when Angelica and I stayed here for weeks on end, crawling on this worn wood floor, watching TV from that old couch and playing with toys on the dated rug in the living room.
My eyes were wet and wispy as my eyes lingered on the mildly familiar rooms, my hand clutching at Angelica's for support. I felt her gaze on my skin, but I wasn't yet ready to face her, face the fact that while I remembered this minute details of this house, Angelica had not been old enough to remember anything.
Not the scent, not this house, not even our grandmother herself.
Angelica's grip on my hand tightened painfully so I shifted my focus to her finally. She smiled at me as we stepped into the dining room where our grandmother had already laid out the dinner we would be eating. She stood on her tippy toes to whisper into my ear, "Despite how crazy and toxic our three of us can be...I'm really grateful to have you facing this with me."
My chest bubbled with love and adoration for my little sister and I pressed a firm kiss on her forehead. "I will face life with you forever."