Chapter 40: thirty-six

{2.01 | I'll Never Give Up Hope | part three}

July

If you told me when I was twenty-one years old that I would one day become a monster, I would have simply laughed at. I was a soldier, not a monster.

Philip found me with what should've been a fatal injury: a bullet to the chest, but it fell out a second later as the wound closed itself. Neither of us understood it, but I wished we had because that day I became not only a werewolf but the Hellhound.

I remember a French phrase my father would always say. While the English version makes little sense, it–roughly–meant that he would explain everything later. Since my first memory, he has been a tough man, and the years were not kind to him, nor were his estranged parents.

Under the July sun, Elara sat at the Mystic Falls Grille, her attention enraptured by the journal that belonged to her late father. It was her second time reading through it, and she was absorbing the information much better than before.

Elara flipped to the next page, fiddling with the mysterious necklace in her other hand.

Creatures of the moon are real; I remember him explaining one night. He was drunk, not yet to the point of irritation, and I thought his ramblings were that of a mad man. He would spit at the mention of "leeches", curse at the moon, yell out at our ancestors for their ignorance.

I didn't understand it, but now I do. I really wish I didn't.

"So, you can read it?"

Elara slammed the book shut out of instinct. No one else could read it–the Hellhound, the only one able to translate its strange scripture–but she still felt that protectiveness with the story of her father.

"Perhaps."

"And you didn't tell me?"

Elara quirked a brow. "I like my secrets. They keep me nice and warm."

Landon smiled at that, sliding into the seat next to her. He too carried a book with him, and Elara recognized it as a book talking about a wolf's connection to the lunar cycle. "That's not surprising."

Landon Kirby was a lot of things. A foster kid, a runaway, a mythical phoenix, but most importantly, he was someone who kept his word.

The morning after her attempt, Elara hid out at the Old Mill. Her plan had been to hide there until Landon arrived, slipping away before he or Rafael could find her, but she had been reckless. He found her there, and when he saw the tear streaks on her face, he said nothing as he sat with her, waiting for her to speak.

She didn't speak, but his presence and the fact that he promised not to mention her moment of weakness to anyone helped.

She nodded towards the book. "Making any progress?"

"No," he sighed. "I can't find anything to make him human, again, but I'll find something."

"I know you will," she said, offering him a small smile. She remembered being angry with him some time before her death, even jealous, but ever since Malivore, she couldn't remember why. Whatever conflict they'd had before was forgotten. "You're smart, and a little too stubborn."

"You are the last person to call me stubborn," he laughed. "Don't you remember all of the times Jed jumped you because you wouldn't join the pack?"

"Hey, he jumped you, too."

"For a completely different reason which wasn't because of my stubbornness."

Elara held up her hands as if to surrender. "It's not my fault some boys don't understand what 'no' means."

"Well, you're right about that," Landon agreed, nodding. "You talk to Felix any?"

At the mention of her brother, her shoulders tensed. Ever since the hunter incident, he'd been avoiding her, going so far as to use Josie whenever he couldn't avoid her.

"No," Elara answered honestly. "I'm pretty sure I've ruined any chance at rebuilding the relationship we had before the day of the full moon." Her gaze flickered over to some of the people walking through the park. Since it was the Fourth of July, the citizens of Mystic Falls were celebrating. The town liked to celebrate whatever it could, Elara realized. "Plan on seeing the fireworks?"

"Not really. I'll probably just go see Raf."

Elara hummed.

Landon gestured towards Cedric's journal. "So, since you feel like sharing-"

"-not really-"

He continued, "would you like to share how you feel about the Hellhound?"

Elara sighed. While she had been interrogated day after day about what she knew about the Hellhound, Alaric never asked about how she felt about it. Although Cedric asked her, it wasn't the same as someone in her real life asking, and she felt a little tempted.

Keyword: little.

A flame surged through her, starting at her chest and spreading through her body. It licked at her arms, flickered through her muscles, and when she blinked, she saw Cedric sitting in the chair across from them.

"Tell him," Cedric said with a warm smile. He crossed his arms, leaning back in the chair. "Open up, darling."

She bit on the edge of the pen once more, her careless mask slipping at the sudden appearance of Cedric. Landon noticed, glancing at the space Elara had stared at for just a moment too long, yet he saw nothing.

Elara cleared her throat. "...all I will say is that I can see why Alaric would be afraid of me."

"Right... the hunter incident."

"I did what I had to-"

"-I know," Landon interrupted. He offered her a reassuring smile. "You had your reasons, Lara. It's not my job to question them, but I'm here to listen to them. If you want."

Her fingers tapped on the table. She could tell him, but she knew her track record when it came to sharing her feelings.

But a part of her knew that it wasn't always that way. Something had changed within the past few months, something that made her want to open up the walls she had worked so hard to build, and

She lifted her hands back onto the table, the chain of a silver necklace with an engraved M on the pendant.

Maybe sharing a little wouldn't be too bad.

"This," Elara began to explain, "is the necklace that was in my hand when I died. You saw it, Alaric saw it, but neither of you knew why I had it. It's- it's weird. I don't remember ever owning this necklace before."

"Do you know anyone that would've given it to you?"

"In theory, yeah, but I doubt that family would've given it to any of my ancestors. They tried to kill each other. And succeeded. Like twice."

Her lips formed a frown. The answer felt like it was on the tip of her tongue. Her heart knew the answer, but her mind didn't.

"Maybe Malivore had something to do with it," Landon suggested. "Like whoever gave it to you jumped in before you destroyed it."

Elara shrugged. "I mean, that would make sense. A lot of things could be explained by that pit, except it's gone."

"Thanks to you."

"Thanks to me," she uttered. She glanced over at Cedric, who winked before vanishing. "Somehow."

A silence fell over them for a while as they watched and read. At some point, Elara glanced up from Cedric's journal to Landon, biting the end of her pen in thought. The first time they'd spoken, Elara could only think about her foster brother. Landon had reminded her so much about Felix that, despite her best interests, she wanted to reform that kind of connection. While everyone else doubted him, she believed him.

She supposed that was one of the reasons Landon had been kind to her the past few months. He was simply returning the favor.

"Oop, Saltzmans incoming."

Elara groaned loudly. They were the last people she wanted to see. Alaric because, well, it was Alaric and Josie because...

Because Josie hadn't looked at her with fear when she walked into the school, covered in someone else's blood.

"You deal with them," she grumbled, rising to her feet. She grabbed Cedric's journal.

"What? No!"

"What? Yes. They like you better than me."

"And how am I supposed to deal with them, exactly?"

"I don't know." Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted Josie and Alaric walking towards them, Alaric with his hands in his pockets and Josie with a pout on her lips. "Just smile and say something dorky. That usually works."

Landon sighed, slumping in his chair.  "Fine, but you owe me."

"I've saved your ass twice." Elara chuckled lightly, backing away. "Technically, you owe me for life."

"Whatever!"

Elara practically ran away from the table as Alaric and Josie got closer. By the time they arrived, she disappeared around the corner.

"Hey, Landon," Alaric greeted, sitting down at the table. "What are you doing here?"

"Just reading," Landon answered, holding up the book in his hands. "Y'know, trying to find a spell to turn Rafe back into a human."

Josie asked, "made any progress?"

Landon told them the truth. With everything that had been going on at the school, he hadn't been able to find anything useful. As he spoke, he noticed that Josie didn't seem to be paying attention, glancing every now and then in the direction that Elara had run off in.

"I keep hitting dead end after dead end," Landon concluded.

"Join the club," Josie grumbled, turning her attention back to their conversation.

"Hey."

"Landon," Josie said, ignoring her dad, "can you ask my dad why he won't give me answers to my very simple questions on how my sister and I can survive past the age of 22?"

Alaric cut in before he could respond. "That's because your dad doesn't have any answers to give you. That's why, sweetheart."

Josie's eyes narrowed. She knew about Alaric hiding Elara's true background and nature from her, so a part of her wasn't surprised.

"Able to or willing?"

Alaric kept pushing away the topic of the Ascendent, and as he did, Landon's leg bounced up and down. It felt incredibly awkward to be sitting across from his former headmaster and his daughter as they argued. It was tense and stressful, and Landon didn't like it.

Yeah, he decided. Elara did owe him a favor.

"I'm gonna head back to campus," Landon declared, gathering his things.

"Whoa, what about the fireworks?" Alaric questioned. Mystic Falls always shot off fireworks during the Fourth of July. It was one of their many traditions.

Landon stood up, book in hand. "I'm worried they might scare Raf. You know, I don't want him to be alone, and Elara needs my help with- something."

At the mention of Elara, Josie nearly jumped out of her chair, which didn't go unnoticed by Landon.

"I'll come with you. I'm suddenly not in the mood to celebrate anything, much less independence."

~-~-~

Josie Saltzman had a gut feeling.

After nearly running into Elara in the town square earlier that day, she couldn't shake it. Elara had changed drastically within the past few months. Since May–since she came back from the dead–she acted differently. She didn't just surround her heart with walls, she sealed them.

And Josie wanted to unseal them. She was a fixer. Hell, when Felix first arrived, she could already see how she could help. Felix had been lost, finding himself suddenly in a new world with powers he didn't understand, and Josie knew just how to help him.

She'd heard about the teenage boy before from her father. Back when she did spy on Elara, Alaric gave Josie a debrief on Elara's background. Felix had been Elara's latest foster sibling, one of the many, but their relationship was different. Alaric told Josie that Elara had killed Felix, that she had gotten in more fights than they could count, and that she was close to becoming a lost cause.

Josie regretted listening to her father. She had spied on–arguably–her best friend all because it made Alaric happy. Alaric had told Josie to be careful because of Elara's track record. Elara wasn't a stranger to trouble, and he wanted Josie to avoid as much of it as she could.

Elara was always going to be trouble, but trouble wasn't always a bad thing.

Josie wasn't completely what it was that led her to the docks. The fireworks had started going off in the night sky, lighting up the sky with reds, and yellows, and greens. She ignored them, coming to a stop at the edge of the pier, the sinking feeling in her chest falling even deeper.

And she knew her gut was right when she saw Elara's converse at the base of the pier light.

She assumed the worst. Elara couldn't swim, she knew that, so Josie ran over, ready to jump in headfirst, but the flames reached the surface before she did. Red and orange flames reached towards the dark sky. Josie felt the heat even from where she stood.

Before Josie could even think about extinguishing them, a hand grabbed onto the edge of the pier, then another, then Elara pulled herself up. She rolled onto her back, wet, curly hair hugging the sides of her face.

"Elara Laurent, what the hell were you thinking?!"

Elara sat up with a low groan, brushing her hair out of her face. "That I could swim."

"You could've- you could've- died! Permanently!"

Elara, infuriatingly, shrugged nonchalantly as she grabbed her shoes. "Technically, I did, and I came back."

"We don't know if you could've done it again." Josie let out a shaky breath. She wanted to cry. "And you couldn't have possibly known you'd come back."

"Not the first time," Elara confessed, rising to her feet after putting her shoes on. The cold mask she'd worn since May cracked, and for the first time since then, Josie saw through it. "And now we know I'll come back the second, and the third and the hundredth freaking time because I can't die."

"Elara," Josie took a step towards the soaked teen. It was summer, yet the air seemed to freeze around them.

"I can't die because I'm the Hellhound." The words kept tumbling out, Elara unable to hold them back any longer. She'd spent so long holding it all in that by the time she finally mustered up the courage to say one thing, the rest fell out, and Josie wasn't going to stop her. "I am the goddamned Hellhound, and I'm immortal. I get to live for centuries without fear of dying."

Josie's heart hurt as Elara shrunk in on herself. The tall, lean teenager, whose very presence exuded power, looked so small. Water dripped down her face, dripped onto the wooden pier from her soaked clothes, yet it couldn't hide the watering of her eyes.

"And I hate it," Elara's voice cracked. Josie fought against her instincts to pull the blonde into a hug. Elara had fought monsters head on, faced challenges that Josie couldn't even imagine, and yet she looked so fragile. "I don't want to live like this anymore, Jo. It- it..." Elara swallowed. "Every time I look in the mirror, all I can see is it. The-the fangs and the eyes of the Hellhound.

Elara reached up, wrapping her fingers around the pendant of the mysterious necklace. Where her careless, snarky facade once was, a broken, miserable one remained.

"And you know what sucks the most? For the first time in seventeen years, I had hope. I thought everything would be okay, and I lost it, and I can't even remember why I had it in the first place."

Josie took a final step towards Elara–close enough to touch her, and Elara didn't run.

"My hope is gone, Jo, and all that's left is the monster that Alaric tried to hide."

"You're not a monster."

Her lips formed into a thin line. "My own family seems to think I am. Wonder why Felix has been avoiding me since he saw me try to eat a guy's heart? Because he and Alaric agree that I'm a monster just like my father, and maybe they're right. The Hellhound isn't just me, it's its own thing. What used to be a powerful, hellish spirit confined to the Laurent line. A creature that witches thought they could control over fifteen hundred years ago outlived them, and instead of disappearing into the world and calmly living, it became a monster."

"No," Josie stated, shaking her head, "you're not convincing me that you're a monster. I've seen you obsess over puppies. Would a monster coo at puppies?"

Elara laughed, stray tears still rolling down her cheeks. "Probably not. The puppies were pretty cute, though."

"The cutest," Josie said, smiling. She watched Elara take a deep breath and stand just a bit taller. "Feel better?"

"A little," Elara grumbled reluctantly.

And she was being honest. Despite the sinking in her chest, the one that always appeared when Elara talked about her feelings, she felt a bit lighter.

"Can we go back to the part where you said the Hellhound was a spirit?"

Elara chuckled, rubbing the back of her neck. "I, uh, didn't mean to say that part, and in all honesty–which I'm trying to do right now–I thought Alaric would have told you by now."

"Well, you and I both know he's not very keen on answering questions."

"Boy do I understand that," Elara sighed. The fireworks had ended, but the explosion of Elara's sadness remained, like shrapnel piercing the inside of her chest. "I'm sorry, Jo. For- for everything."

"Don't apologize, Lara. It's out of your control." Josie's head tilted to the side as she got an idea. "So, how about instead of worrying about what we can't control, we focus on the things we can, like how we spend the rest of our summer."

Elara's brows lifted. "We?"

"At this point we're kindred spirits. You hate my dad, and I'm...trying not to."

"Pretty sure that's just because your dad kinda sucks." Quickly, she added on, "no offense."

"A little taken, but I'm serious. It'll be fun."

Elara chuckled at that. Her head tilted to the side, and she seemed to see something just past Josie's shoulder.

"Okay," Elara breathed out, extending her hand towards Josie. "Let's figure out how to control the rest of this summer."

Josie took it, shaking it. Just like that, she'd helped Elara in a couple minutes more than she had the entire summer, and maybe along the way she was going to help herself for once.

"You can swim, right?"

The brunette's brows furrowed in confusion. "Yeah? Why-"

A splash joined the sounds of night, and then Elara cackled at the sight of Josie surfacing in the lake.

"ELARA!"

She grinned at the sight of her friend, and right then, the world felt just a bit brighter. The empty space in her chest remained, but Elara knew she could endure it long enough to get through the summer.

With a knowing look, she glanced over her shoulder, catching sight of her dead father as he gave her a thumbs up and a proud smile.

[a.n. two updates in two days? that's crazy.

~NYM]