ShuYan stared as RuJin walked away from him. Although he was one step closer to RuJin, that one step was harder than he had first thought it would be. One step.
He didn't know how many more it would take, but he also knew that his heart wouldn't be able to stop. It won't stop beating for that man who still lives deep within his heart. That man who will remain deep within his heart.
Maybe, if he had not fallen for this man, would he still be here today? But ShuYan couldn't imagine something like that. He couldn't imagine betraying this man, leaving this man alone in this cold and cruel world. If anything, ShuYan knew that he wouldn't be able to live without him.
ShuYan knew well what he was giving up to be by RuJin's side. He had known it all before. But those feelings from long ago hasn't change. He still loved that man the same.
He knew that nobody would accept, not even RuJin. He knew well enough that RuJin would choose to push him away because of fear. Fear that one day, he would lose someone he loved once again. RuJin might think that he had change, but to ShuYan who had been observing him for so long, he knew his character all too well.
ShuYan didn't care if this love of his was disastrous. He was willing to give up everything to have RuJin by his side, he would sacrifice everything. Call him a fool, but anyone would be one in the face of love. ShuYan knew that he was being foolish, maybe even selfish for wanting something that might not happen.
His heart felt like daggers were piercing him, and with every breath he took, he couldn't shake off that one thought of his. Throughout the years that RuJin had been gone, every time he slept, the dreams he had were never warm. The one that appeared most often, it was like the mirror of his deepest fear.
A deep breath was heard, then the sound of screams echoed. A pitch black darkness loomed ahead of him. ShuYan moved his feet, but it felt like he was glued to the ground.
He struggled and jerked his body, but it felt like his body was no longer his own. It felt like his mind was being controlled and his body was being treated like a puppet.
Then, the sound of swords colliding was heard, a shout came after. Then ShuYan realized that he couldn't see anything even though everything happening was close by him. His eyes were opened, he was sure of this.
And yet, nothing came to his sight.
He felt his fingers jerk, landing on a string instrument. Even though he didn't want to, his fingers began strumming the instrument. As the tune fell out, he heard the noise of more people screaming, a thud followed as their body fell to the ground.
What was happening? He didn't know.
Just then, the sound of someone landing close to him was heard. Someone shuffled, most likely the person controlling him, and moved closer to that person. Their voices were muffled, but he could tell that they were having a conversation, one that wasn't meant to be friendly.
His fingers didn't stop, instead, it strummed the strings even faster, producing music that was even deadlier than his sword. Just from hearing it, he knew that it was a forbidden art, one that was outlawed long ago because of its deadliness.
And then, his body was pulled forward, his hand held tightly around a dagger, stabbing it into someone's body. And in that moment, he realized who that voice belonged to.
"Shu.....Yan."
ShuYan hated this dream. Hated it because of what he had done against his will. Just the thought of him injuring RuJin made him want to destroy himself. But still the dream continued, order and over, repeating itself to ShuYan, igniting a fear deep within him.
Why him? Why the both of them?
He bitterly smiled as he thought about this, his eyes clouded with unspeakable sadness, as if he couldn't understand why.
Why was this world so hard? Why did people get to decide right from wrong? Why was love so hard, and why was fate just so cruel?
He stared at his hand, clasping it, then opening it as he laughed, a laugh filled with despair and desperation.
This love of his may bring more pain than happiness, but he was not willing to give up.
Till even time no longer exists, he would still continue to love RuJin.
RuJin stared at the vase that stood on the table by his bed, his heart in madness and his brain all shaken up. Why? Shouldn't that man hate him? Be disgusted of him? Why did he come back for someone like him?
If he had just disappeared from his life, he wouldn't be struggling to cope with his feelings now. He didn't want his heart to skip a beat. He didn't want this warm feeling to arise in his heart. He wanted it gone. He wanted it to disappear.
If it lingered, it will only bring upon destruction. He wanted his heart to remain cold, he didn't want to fall in this thing called love. Because love was fragile.
It could bring happiness and pain, it could bring joy and sadness. But most of all, he didn't want to one day lose ShuYan because of this love.
If being in love meant sacrificing the life of the other, he would rather not experience love. He would rather make the distance between them grow even more than it already has, he couldn't let him be hurt.
If it had all happened before, everything would've been fine. But now was too late.
If he fell in love now, it meant that he would be sacrificing ShuYan to his enemies. It meant that they would all target ShuYan in order to get him. ShuYan wasn't powerful enough to go against all those people, and RuJin didn't want to turn him towards the dark side either.
Although it brought upon power, he wanted at least one of them to remain untainted by the darkness that came with this power. He didn't want ShuYan to sacrifice so much in order to gain power. He didn't want to see him hurt.
And yet, deep down he knew that he just hurting them even more.
Why was this world so cruel to them?