December
20 Weeks
"Right that's enough" I ordered Allison as she continued to throw more decorations into my trolley.
"There's no such thing as too many Christmas decorations" Allison shook her head but put the tacky snow globe she was holding, back on the shelf.
"I don't want it to look like Santa's fucking grotto" I grumbled as I pushed my trolley towards the checkout. I earned a disgusted look from a mother who shielded her young child's ears.
"Damn it. Do I need to step swearing?" I mumbled to Allison. "Do I need to become more refined, more ladylike? Is that what mothers do?"
"No, you just need to stop being such a Grinch" Allison laughed as she started unloading my stuff for the cashier.
"I don't see why I need to bother will all these decorations this year?" I whined pulling my cardigan round my body a bit tighter as the cold win blew through the fronts doors of the shop.
I don't usually bother decorating the flat for Christmas. I'm not a grinch, contrary to Allison's current opinion. I promise I love Christmas as much as the next guy. I just usually go back up to Scotland over the holidays so I don't bother decorating when the flat's empty for the 10 most important days over Christmas. But with the timing of the scan and the price of plane and train tickets rising so high I'd need to remortgage the flat just to get home I decided to stay in London. There may have been a little part of me, while making that decision that hoped beyond hope the Harry might make it home early.
Harry had been gone for ten days. It had been ten days of very little contact. The time difference was a pain but all his responses to my messages had been short and to the point. Making me feel like I was pestering him. The few messages he'd sent were asking how the baby was and if I'd felt any movement. Despite reassuring him numerous times, I felt like he didn't believe I would tell him the moment I felt anything.
The thing I hated most about this weird feeling of missing Harry was - I didn't feel like I should miss him. I didn't feel like I was entitled to miss him. He wasnt anything to me. We had one thing in common, the child that was growing inside me. But it was something that would bind us for ever more and it was a hard thing to come to terms with. Especially when the person you would be bound to for the rest of your life was Harry Styles.
After I paid an extortionate amount of money for some Christmas tat we headed back to my flat where Allison started on the decorations. She promised the theme would be 'Casual meets Christmas'... I wasn't convinced.
My scan was tomorrow, so to keep busy I thought I'd make cookies. Baking was one of my biggest hobbies. I loved filling the flat with the smell of some home baking and I'd lift my hand to anything. My expertise was cookies. It has taken many years but I'd finally perfected them so I got just the right amount of gooey and crunch. I'd decided on Gingerbread and white chocolate cookies. They wouldn't do my ever expanding waistline any good but they'd curb by graving for something sweet.
"I'm done!" Allison smiled as she finished perfecting the luscious, green, garland that was now on my kitchen window sill with little glass tea holders in the middle.
Allison began lighting the candles, it was only 6pm and already pitch black outside. Despite my Grinchy nature today, I had to admit it did look cute and festive. As she showed me the rest of the flat, I had to swallow my reluctance and commend her on a wonderful job because the place looked amazing. It didn't look like Santa had thrown up tacky decorations all over my home. The decorations were minimal but impactful. The fireplace was now littered with different sized lanterns and candles, some lanterns with a mix of fairy lights and Christmas baubles. The Christmas tree beside the window was slim and tasteful decorated with white and silver baubles and ornaments. Not a piece of tinsel in sight.
*
"These are delicious Nora" Allison mumbled, shovelling another piece of cookie in her mouth after dinner.
I smile when suddenly the door bell rang.
Allison eyes me curiously. "Who's that?"
"No idea" I shake my head as I look up at the large clock hanging in the middle of the wall.
I hesitated before opening the door. For a second my heart pined for it to be Harry but I immediately knock that ridiculous notion out of my head. He won't be here in time for the scan tomorrow.
"Mum? Dad?" My voice hitched an octave higher as I find my parents standing on my door step.
"Surprise" My Dad grins from over my Mum's shoulder as my Mum grins, her eyes glassy from either emotion or the cold wind.
"Oh Nora, you look beautiful" She smiles as I step to the side allowing my parents into the flat. I'm at a loss for words as the bustle in to my home.
"What... what are you doing here?" I stutter as they both take it in turns to kiss me on the cheek as they file in. Not a piece of luggage between them, I note.
"It's beautiful in here" My Mum gushes admiring the decorations and taking off her blush pink, double breasted wool coat. To reveal her perfectly put together outfit, of pink chino's and a cream sweater. I stand in the doorway to my living room as I watch my parents get reacquainted with my living room. A room they've not been in for almost 6 months.
My Dad dutifully takes me Mum's coat and drapes them both over the back of the sofa as my Mum eventually turns round, her eyes falling on me.
"Oh look at the little bump" My Mum's eyes fill with tears again as she takes me all in. I'm wearing simple black leggings and a white and navy striped top but they're both tight and show off my little bump perfectly.
Crossing the short space, my Mum comes to wrap me in her warm, comforting arms. I inhale her familiar scent like it's a drug keeping me alive. I can't even describe the scent. It's just her and it smells like home.
"What are you doing here?" I ask again, watching my Dad, over my Mum's shoulder, smile at our interaction.
"It's Christmas!" My Mum states obviously pulling me away by the shoulders to get a good look at my face. "I understand you couldn't come home..."
"... So we came here" My Dad smiles as my Mum finally lets me go and I'm wrapped up straight away in a big bear hug by my old man. My Dad has never been a great one for showing emotion. He plods along quietly, doing what he has to do to keep Mum and me happy. But his hugs always make me feel a 100 times better regardless of what my problems are.
"ALLISON!!" My Mum screeches in delight as All' finally pops her head back in to the room.
"Mr and Mrs Henley" Allison smiles graciously and nods her head.
"Oh Allison, please, it's Judy and Gary" my Mum blushes and wraps Allison in another motherly hug. "Will we be seeing a lot of you over the Christmas period?"
"Unfortunately not, I'm going back down to my Mum's..."
"Christmas period? How long are you guys staying?" I turn to my Dad as Allison explains her Christmas plans to my mum.
My Dad shrugs "It's an open return. The plan was a week or so but probably once city life gets too much for your Mum" He winks, knowing how much my Mum loves the idea of living in a big city but hates the hustle and bustle that comes with it, after a few days.
"We thought we'd support her while the fathers M.I.A" I hear my Mum say loudly so I don't miss it.
"I told you on the phone, Mum, he's not MIA, he's just busy with work." I eye Allison warily. She knows I still haven't told my Mum and Dad who the father is, and now that they're here I don't imagine I'll be able to keep it quiet for much longer.
"What kind of person is so busy with work they have to leave the country over Christmas? Doesn't look good for when the babies here" My Mum looks matter-of-factly at my bump. "Is he going to up-sticks and leave because work is more important than the baby's first Christmas?"
"It's complicated" I mutter as I role my eyes. I catch Allison trying to hold back a giggle because she knows how awkward I feel right now.
"Well maybe you should have chosen someone who puts his family above his job, to have a child with" My Mum's trying very hard to keep her voice upbeat like this is all just one big joke but I know there's a serious criticism laced in her words. I've only given her the basics of who the Daddy is, in that we met at a club, he has very important job but he wants to be involved but she's struggling to see how I've made such a fuck up of my life to find myself pregnant when I didn't plan on it.
"I didn't chose to get pregnant! It just..." I trail off knowing there's no point in having this discussion right now. I've explained enough times that this was an accident, explaining again won't help. I turn to my dad who simply shrugs as if to say 'What do you want me to do about it?'
I sigh as Allison eventually gets up. "I better be off, I've got a long journey ahead of me" She comes over to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Your present is under the tree. Try and have a relaxing Christmas" She smiles as she says goodbye to my parents and gets in her beat up old car and starts the long journey back down south.
"Lovely girl" my Mum murmers as she wonders through to the kitchen. "Tea everyone?" She calls out and my Dad and I agree. I flop down on the sofa and my dad sits on the opposite.
"Where are your bags?" I ask as my Dad settles down, pulling a suede brogue from one foot onto his knee.
"At the hotel. We're staying just down the road"
"Just in case this boyfriend comes back early" My Mum wiggles her eyebrows as she brings through a tray she must have found in the cupboard. I forget I even owned it.
"Oh I forgot the sugar" She mumbles as she sets the tray down on the table.
"My god, what's her obsession? Will she give it a rest?" I whisper and eye my dad as I pull the mug closest to me, from the tray.
"He's the father of her first grandchild. Just..." my Dad shrugs "humour her? Is she likely to meet him at all?" My Dad asks hopeful, knowing it's probably the only thing that will shut her up.
"Probably not" I sigh disappointedly into my tea.
"That's a shame" My Dad says genuinely. At the exact same moment my Mum comes back in to the room. To start moaning again. I'm not sure I can't take it much more.
"I just don't understand how a man has to work over..."
"OH, BECAUSE HE'S HARRY STYLES, OK?" I stare at my mum, slightly surprised at my own outburst. Her eyes grow wide as my words sink in. I've stunned them both into silence and it feels like another massive weight off my shoulders.
"He's in L.A. because he's recording music and filming. Yes I was stupid enough to get myself pregnant by Harry Styles. Yip go for it, tell me how stupid I am" I gesture for my my mum to let it out.
"Oh, Sweetheart. That's why you didn't tell us?" My mum sighed, my silence giving her the answer. Her mothering instinct taking over as she sits down beside me and pulls me into her side. Wrapping her arms around my body and stroking my hair.
My breathing is rapid after my outburst and it takes a few seconds to calm myself down.
"How did that happen?" My mum asks quietly, and I explain. I explain it all.
*
There's something about having my parents here that gives me a new sense of confidence. They're the two people throughout my life, that have always been there for me. They've been my two constants always.
So I walk in to my scan with a greater sense of confidence than I have before but with the same wish I had the first time, that Harry was here. As we sit down in the waiting room I could feel my pocket vibrating with a call.
"I'll just take this, just listen out for my name" I whisper to my mum as I nip out of the waiting room and into the quiet corridor outside. I was wary when I came in to the hospital without Harry. St Mary's Hospital was nothing like a hospital and a lot more like a hotel. Much like the GP surgery we were in a few weeks ago it screams opulence with soft cream walls, dark, plush carpets and arts and ornaments all over the place. I worried when we walked in that people would know we didn't belong but every single person I had encountered so far had been lovely.
My heart skipped a beat as I pulled my phone from my cardigan pocket and Harry's name was flashing on the screen.
"Hello?" I answered, finding a private corner at the end of the corridor.
"Hi Nor" The sound of Harry's voice was like someone pouring warm honey through my veins. It immediately calmed me and warmed me and I didn't care to know why I reacted like that.
"Have you been in for your scan yet?" He paused, not giving me long enough to answer. "This time difference is messing with me this time. I can't get a grasp on what time it is anywhere"
I snorted out a laugh. "I haven't been in yet... it's nice to hear from you" I smile, watching the small people on the street below, go about their business, completely unaware of my inner turmoil at finally hearing Harry's voice.
"I know, I've been rubbish at keeping in touch. Things have just been so hectic out here. I'm trying to fit in more work so I don't have to come out too many times before baby's here. How're you feeling about the scan?"
"Ok actually" I find myself smiling. "My mum and dad are here"
"What? When did that happen?" He asks, I can imagine his eyebrows shooting in to his hair line.
"They turned up last night. I think they're staying for a week" I tell him, resting my hand on my bump.
"A week? I guess I'll miss out on meeting them too" Harry's voice sounds flat and I fear I've upset them. "Or maybe you wouldn't want me to meet them anyway..."
"...They know" I interrupt him before I let his subtle dig hurt me.
"About me?" He asks surprised.
"Yes, that you're the father" I answer trying to cool my tone. I know if I don't check myself I'll come across as a huffy bitch.
"I just needed a little time to do it in my own way" I whisper.
Harry's silence greets me from the other side.
"I'm sorry" He eventually says.
"It's ok Harry. There's some things you want to do your way, there's some things I need to do my way." I shrug even though he can't see me.
"Nora" My mum's voice rouses me from my trance. I look up at her head floating at the door. "It's your turn"
"Look Harry, I've got to go" I nod and focus back on the sound of Harry's breathing in my ear.
"Ok, will you phone me when you get out. Let me know how it goes"
"I will"
"Ok, good luck, Angel"
"Thanks Harry"
"Give bump a kiss from me"
I giggle at the idea of trying to kiss my own stomach.
I hear him snicker over the line. "You know what I mean"
"Yeah, ok, bye Harry" I smile
"Bye Nora"