November 2018
12 Weeks
It had been 3 weeks since I'd found out I was pregnant and not much had changed. But I guess that's what happens when you bury your head in the sand.
I had yet to make an appointment with a midwife. I had yet to tell my parents. And I had made no attempt to contact Harry at all. As the days ticked by Allison was getting more and more irritated with me. She couldn't get on board with the 'lets just keep it to ourselves for a little while longer' idea. She was being as supportive as she could be but she was starting to go down the tough love route.
I just couldn't bring myself to have it confirmed by a trained professional, I couldn't bare to disappoint my parents, and I didn't even know where to start with Harry. How did you go about telling a multi million pound recording artist that you were pregnant with his child. And then there would be the problem of him not believing me. Surely his management team get accusations like this all the time. Wannabe It Girls looking for money, or fame or whatever. Then there would be DNA tests and paternity tests and then him trying to pay me off to keep me quiet. It was something I just didn't want to deal with right now. And as long as no one but Allison and I knew I could continue pretending like it wasn't happening. Because nothing had actually changed. I was still being sick a couple of times a day but that was easy enough to hide. I wasn't getting any fatter. On the outside you couldn't tell I was pregnant.
Every morning for the last week had been the same, Allison appeared at my door, ready to walk to work. She would ask me if I'd phoned the midwife yet and rach morning I would tell her I'd ran out of time and I'd do it on my lunch break.
This Monday morning was different though. I was pulling my coat on as Allison opened the front door as usual. I preempted her by beginning to tell her I hadn't done it but she surprised me by interrupting me.
"You have an appointment at 12:15 tomorrow with Nurse McConnel"
"What?" My stomach dropped.
"What? You thought I was going to continue letting you avoid this? It's not going away Nora" Allison stood with her arms folded in the middle of my tiny hallway. The tough love approach on full display.
Her eyes were the only giveaway that she wasn't really angry with me. Her kind eyes were full of love and concern. "I will support you every step of the way, but I can't continue allowing you to bury your head in the sand. You're pregnant wether you like it or not. You need to see a midwife. I won't force you to tell Harry but you need to see a health professional, you need to get checked out, you need to find how far along you are, you need to take vitamins and folic acid and stuff. You need to grow the fuck up and take care of yourself" Allison sighed as she finished her obviously rehearsed speech.
"I... How did you manage to make an appointment in my name?" I asked, knowing I had no argument against her.
"All I need was your name and date of birth. It's not that difficult" Allison dropped her hands to wrap her arms around me in a comforting hug.
"I'm sorry sweetheart, but you need to do something about this"
"I know" I sniffed, not even realising I'd started crying.
"I'll come with if you want" Allison offered as I pulled myself away to wipe the tears.
"No, no. I'll put my big girl panties on and go myself"
"Are you sure?" Allison asked. But I knew what she really meant was I sure I'll definitely go.
"I need to stand on my own two feet here. I promise I'll go"
And despite avoiding it like the plague. Here I was, the very next day, sitting in a cold chair, in a stark white waiting room, on my lunch break, waiting to be called.
The waiting room was quiet. Only three other people sat, as far away from each other as possible. On rows of chairs behind me there were two gentleman sitting in opposite ends of the room. An older gentleman with a bad cough who kept coughing and spluttering every few minutes. A younger gentleman, who on the outside seemed fine, but not one to judge, I knew he could have any number of things wrong with him. I offered him a tight smile when he looked up to see me watching him. He nodded and I quickly turned back around in my chair.
The other woman in the room had a young boy with her, who was sitting quietly beside her watching a video on her phone. Every now and again the woman would lean in close and ask if the little boy was feeling ok, and each time he would nod and tell her he was fine. The boy was maybe 4 or 5, but not being around many kids I was rubbish at guessing ages. But for the first time in 3 weeks it really hit me. I could have one of those. If there's a little boy growing inside me, in a few years time that could me, bringing my son to the doctors because he has a sickness bug or chest infection or any one of 1,000 things kids can get. Was I ready for that?
"Nora Henley?" A tall woman in blue scrubs came peeking round the door to the waiting room, looking straight at me.
I grabbed my bag and followed her out of the waiting room and down the corridor.
"I'm just in here" Her voice sounded kind as she pushed open a door marked Nurse McConnel. I closed the door behind me then sat in the chair the midwife gestured to beside her desk.
"Nora, welcome" She smiled a bright, genuine smile that managed to calm the butterflies in my stomach, slightly. If I was to guess I'd say she was probably in her mid fifties, she had kind eyes, non-judgemental eyes, something I found very comforting. She had blonde hair, tied back in a pony tail, her badge had a little butterfly sticker stuck to it that looked a little tattered and worn, like a child had given it to her many months ago and she wore it, pride of place on her name badge, for all to see. The wrinkles around her eyes and mouth made her look as if she smiled, a lot, which immediately put me at ease.
"I'm Nurse McConnell but you can call me Kathy. All going well, I'll be your midwife through your whole pregnancy, I can even be at the birth if you wish. This first appointment is to just to go over some of the basics, date the pregnancy, basic do's and dont's, you'll make another appointment today to come and see me in a week or two to go through things in more detail, family history of yourself and the babies father, and at that appointment we'll book a date for your 12 week scan. Any questions?"
The information overload was a bit much for me to take in. Maybe I should have asked Allison to come cause I sure as shit wasn't going to remember all of this.
"Are you going to give me a blood test or something to check I'm really pregnant?"
Nurse McConnell smiled, "Have you taken a pregnancy test yourself?"
Nora nodded. "One of the Clearblue ones"
"The digital one?"
"Yes"
Nurse McConnell wrinkled her nose and shook her head. "I don't need to do a further test then. Those ones are the most accurate on the market"
My hopes of the midwife telling me this was all just a silly mistake and I wasn't actually pregnant were dashed. Considering I hadn't had a period in 12 weeks it was pretty clear to any outsider, but I was holding on to a little hope.
"Ok, so if you know the dates of your last period and date of conception we can date your pregnancy now, if not you can wait till your 12 week scan, that will give you the most accurate due date" The nurse smiled, pulling a strange little spiny circle off her desk.
I could only nod dumb founded.
"So do you know the date of when your last period began?"
"The 4th August" I answered, running my sweaty palms down my trouser leg.
"Oh, ok" the nurse answered, a little surprised. Spinning part of her circle around.
"And how long is your cycle usually?"
"30 days" I answered again.
"Ok" The circle span again. "Ok, so you're already about 12 weeks pregnant, which is fine" She reassured me because god knows how my face looked right now. "We just need to get the ball rolling a little quicker. I'll book your next appointment and your scan today. So you may be a little more than 12 weeks when you go for your scan but that's not a problem"
The nurse, pushed her paperwork away from her desk and brought the computer to life.
"So, I'll book you in for your next appointment just now. Will your partner be able to accompany you to your next appointment?" She looked up expectantly.
"My partner?" I asked.
"Sorry, the father, of the baby. Will he be able to come too?"
"Oh" I stuttered. "I haven't... he doesn't actually know yet" I twisted my nervous fingers around in my lap.
"I see" The nurse nodded. The tone of her voice never changing. "Do you have any support at home? I obviously can't tell you what to do regarding telling the father, I'm only here to advise you, and medically guide you through your pregnancy. But pregnancy can be a difficult and lonely time for a woman, it can be a lot easier if you have a good support network at home, the father, parents, friends that sort of thing?"
"What if I didn't want to keep it?" I blurt out. The relief at having finally said the words aloud, immediate.
In the most unjudgemental way possible, the nurse nods. "Is abortion something you'd like to talk about?"
"No. Maybe. I don't know" I feel my lip quiver as my eyes are blinded my tears. "I don't know what to do" I sob as the tears fall down my cheeks. The nurse moves to sit on the chair beside me and wraps an arm around my shoulders as I furiously wipe the tears away.
"Can I safely assume the pregnancy was unplanned?" Nurse McConnell asks quietly despite there being no other person in the room.
I nod as she continues to rub soothing circles over my back.
"A child wasn't something you saw in your immediate future?" She correctly assumes.
"You have options then, yes. Abortion can be done up to 24 weeks gestation. You have other options aswell, adoption is something that we can support you through. How about I give you some leaflets away with you. You can take some time to read them before your next appointment. How does that sound?"
"Ok" I nod as I pull myself together. She moves back over to her seat at her desk.
"I understand you may not be sure what you want to do with this pregnancy but I'd still like to carry on as a normal pregnancy. I'll write you a prescription for Folic Acid and book your next appointment and scan. Don't feel any pressure from me to speak to the father before your next appointment. If you come alone, that's perfectly fine. We will fill out as many of the questions as we can without him. I strongly advise you to think very carefully about telling him though. Remember what I said about a support network"
When I don't respond, she brings her computer back to life again.
"I can book you in for your next appointment on Friday morning. And a scan the following Thursday. Is that ok?"
I nod, unable to speak. Nurse McConnell prints out a little card with my appointment dates on it, slips it into a plain tote bag with a lot of leaflets.
"Ok, that's us for today. But if you have any problems or just want to chat, please just pick up the phone Nora" She smiles.
"Ok, thank you" I clutch the bag in a daze as I leave the hospital.
The rest of my work day is a struggle. Thankfully I still haven't found out about the Fortnam Hotels bid, so work is pretty light for me. So it's not bad that I can't concentrate on anything. I doodle the same simple graphic for a website design for over an hour. Before I phone HR, tell them I'm taking a holiday for the rest of the day and go home. To bury myself in leaflets and wallow.
I change into my pyjamas immediately when I get home. Grab a tub of Häagen Dazs from the freezer and wrap myself in a blanket on the couch with my brochures.
"Is abortion right for me?" I read the title of the first booklet aloud.
"Not all pregnancies are wanted, for many different reasons a woman can find herself in a circumstance she doesn't want to be in. There are always options..." I skim through the next few paragraphs, talking about the legalities behind abortion, when and why it can be done up until 24 weeks but it doesn't give me the answers I want so I pull my phone out and open google.
What size is my baby at 12 weeks
His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long (about the size of a lime) and weighs half an ounce.
I look through tears at the palm of my hand. I could fit a lime in the palm of my hand. Right now I could fit my baby in the palm of my hand. It's not some insignificant little seed that I could discount as being human. It has eyes, ears, a heartbeat. As the tears fall I toss the booklet to one side and reach for my ice cream again.
A couple of hours later, ice cream finished, book binned, the front door opens and I hear Allison's voice.
"Only me, I brought dinner" her sing song voice instantly warms my heart. She comes into the living room and dumps the take out boxes on the coffee table.
"Oh sweetheart, you look like crap. How did it go?"
"I asked her about an abortion and now I feel like the worlds worst human" I wail as the tears start again.
"Oh Nora" Allison tosses her coat on the other sofa and curls herself in beside me, wrapping her arms around my shuddering shoulders. "You were right to ask, you have to know all your options"
Surprised by Allison's reaction my head pops up. "You're not mad that I asked?"
"Of course not Nora! It's your body, your baby. I know this situation isn't ideal for you. I think it's sensible to think about all the options and make the right decision for you"
"So you think I should get an abortion?" I peer up at her.
"Well... no. I don't. I don't particularly agree with abortion, but I'll stand by you if that's what you want... is that what you want?"
"No" I sob again. "I feel so bad for even thinking about it" I admit. I didn't think I'd feel so bad for thinking about killing my baby"
"Ok, ssshhhh" Allison soothes as she pulls me into her chest. You asked, you know you're answer. We don't need to talk about it again"
And just like that the conversation was over. Abortion never to be spoken about again. We eat our Chinese and watched old episodes of Gossip Girl while I filled Allison in on the appointment.
"Have you thought any more about contacting Harry?" She asked when I told her about the midwifes suggestion of a support network.
"I think I'll wait until after my scan. Then I have some actual proof. Right now I'd just look like the crazy lady claiming to house Harry Styles illegitimate child. At least after the scan I'll have a picture"
"True..." Allison mused. "You really think he won't believe you?"
"I doubt it" I sighed as I started to pack away the empty takeaway dishes.
"Leave it, I'll get that. You're pregnant" Allison jokes. "You need to take it easy"
"I could get used to that" I smiled, leaning back on the sofa and resting my hands over my tummy.