August 2019
The biggest downside of the tour, even with people writing shitty articles, packing and unpacking cases 300 times a week and spending copious amounts of time on planes and cars, is never getting to spend enough time in the cities Harry is performing in.
I got to travel a bit when I was younger. Holidays to Spain and Greece with my parents, weekend city breaks to Amsterdam and Prague on holidays from university. I enjoy travelling. That feeling of stepping off an airplane and being hit with that wall of stuffy heat gives me butterflies. Trying different foods, walking along the beach in shorts and flip flops, learning the basics of a new language so you can ask for the bill and say thank you in their language gives me a bubble of thrill that's hard to replicate.
But it was too difficult to do any of that when we were holed up in hotels and arenas all day. And I understood it. Harry was on a schedule, there were times where he had to be in specific places at specific times and there wasn't anything I could do to change it. Sound check needed to happen, radio interviews and promo needed to happen, it was just part of life on the road with Harry.
And I was really starting to enjoy being on tour. Life with a touring musician was fun for the most part. There was a total family vibe going on amongst Harry's band and his crew. Avery and I spent a lot of time at arenas with no real purpose, I just always liked to keep Avery close to him, that was my excuse anyway, I didn't want to admit that it was probably more to do with the fact I just wanted to be around him all the damn time, even when he was busy, but there was always someone to hang out with. Some of the stage crew and lighting guys would invite me to play cards with them while they had some down time and Avery was sleeping. Harry's band always had time for us. They kept me involved every step of the way, regardless of how busy Harry was.
But being inside constantly was getting to me. We'd visited some gorgeous city's like Hamburg and Munich and I'd barely seen more than passing fields from the window of the car taking us too and from the venues. Today we'd woken up in Barcelona before Harry's show tomorrow and I was determined I was going to see more of this city than I had the others and wether Harry liked it or not, he was coming with us.
*
"Can we venture out today?" I asked as Harry and I sat quietly in the corner of the hotel restaurant that morning having breakfast. We sat across from each other at a small table with Avery propped up in a high chair surrounded by blankets, between us. She was amusing herself sooking on a piece of buttery toast.
Harry's eyed me over the rim of his tea cup. His shoulders tensed.
"Venture out... where?"
I shrugged my shoulders casually like this was a random idea I was floating by him and not something I'd been thinking about for the past few day's.
"There's the Sagrada Familia not far from the hotel which I think would be pretty cool to see and there's an aquarium that Avery might like" I throw in another shrug of nonchalance for effect and watch as Avery batters her small fists against the table trying to pick up the piece of toast she's dropped. I watch as she figures out how to move it closer and pick it up with her tiny fingers. She buzzes with happiness as she manages and I'm hit with a wave of sadness as I realise she's growing up. She's 5 months old now and it feels like time as flown by. She's no longer my little baby, she's growing in to a beautiful little lady and I have the biggest urge to pause time.
I look up to see Harry watching me closely. "I don't know if it's wise, Nora" He sets his tea cup down and leans back in this chair. His long legs stretch out under the table and I feel the fabric of his cotton pants rub against the outside of my bare leg. I move my leg a little to press it against his because I like the connection.
"I just want to see some of these cities, we have a whole day off..." I try and control my tone, I don't want to come off as whiney but I also don't want to spend another day cooped up inside.
"We'll be followed though, those places are full of tourists" He objects
"I know, I'm a tourist! I want to be among them, and I want to go as a family" I add before he can tell me to go alone.
"It would be safer though..." He adds quietly. "... if you go without me"
"I don't want to though" I lean forward resting my forearms on the table and Avery reaches out for my hand. I take her hand and smile at her as she pulls at my fingers. Harry instinctively takes off one of his rings and places it in front of her. She smiles as she pushes the ring around the table trying to pick the large silver ring up, sometimes she manages it then drops it straight back down with a thump and she smiles as she begins the process of picking it back up.
Harry runs his hands through his hair which is in desperate need of a trim but I get the feeling he wants to grow it out again. Which I kind of like. His hair was short when we first met and I know, from pictures, that he had it ridiculously long for a period before we met. And he looked like some sort of ethereal angel, not quite from this world, or sometimes like a mountain lion. I didn't know what I like better.
"Please Harry?" I whisper tugging my bottom lip between my teeth.
"You need this?" His eyes grow soft as he waits for my answer.
"Yeah, I need this" I nod.
He slowly leans across the table and places a soft kiss against my lips, "Ok" He surrenders sighing deeply. "Lets be tourists for a day"
*
"This is nice" I smile up at Harry as we stroll through a tiny little square. Harry manoeuvres Avery's pram one handed as his other holds mine possessively. Harry's one of these people who can do everything and anything with expert familiarity. If I try and push her pram one handed it ends up going in all directions but the one I want it to. When Harry does it, it glides along with ease exactly where it's supposed to.
"It is" Harry agrees, smiling across at me. His shoulders are still tight but he's relaxed a hell of a lot since we left the hotel this morning. We had a few people come up to us at the Segrada Familia, mostly asking for pictures with Harry. We were virtually left alone at the aquarium. Though there were a few people who glanced our way and I didn't miss the group of girls who were taking pictures of us incognito, because they'd forgot to turn their flash off.
The most we've been bothered is since we left the Aquariam to find somewhere to eat.
"They're going to come over" Harry drops my hand to place both hands on the pram.
"What? Who?" I ask as I scan the crowds of people around us. There are groups sitting outside the cafes that line one side of the square, shaded by tree's in the warm Mediterranean sun but they don't seem to be paying us any attention. There are families on the large expanse of grass in the middle of the square, some are playing with frisbee's and balls, others are enjoying picnics.
I linked my arm through the crook of Harry's arm. I was suddenly very wary of the fact we had no security with us and Avery was here. But then my gaze fell on a group of gorgeous young women, directly ahead, who were making their way towards us.
"Hi, we are really sorry to bother you, but could we possibly get a picture?" One of the group of 4 stepped forward and gushed. She was gorgeous with long, chestnut brown hair, a tiny waist and a Spanish accent to die for.
"Sure" Harry smiled as I dropped my hand from arm and he allowed me to take the handle of Avery's pram. He moved across the pavement a bit and my gut was telling me it was because he didn't want Avery in the background of the images, but my mind was telling me it was me he didn't want me in the background.
Always appear available but never be available.
My confidence was taking a massive blow as I stood on the pavement and watched these beautiful women paw over my man. If I could even call him that. Who even knew anymore.
I quickly realised crowds only attracted more crowds and in an instant I saw another group of women approaching, this group looked slightly older, maybe the same age me, and immediately 2 of them broke off from their path towards Harry and started heading towards me.
My grip tightened on the pram as I peeked in to check Avery was still sound asleep in her adorable little sundress. Shame she wasn't awake to tell me what the hell these girls wanted with me. My eyes searched for Harry but he was now taking more pictures with more girls that had appeared.
"It's Nora right?" I was surprised by the English accent that came from one of the girls as they eventually got to me.
"Uhh... yeah" My eyes darted between the two girls.
"Could we possibly get a picture with you?" The other asked brandishing her phone at me.
"Oh"
No! What was I supposed to say to that. Why the hell did they want a picture with me and how did I say no without coming across as rude.
"I'd rather not if you don't mind. Just..." I gestured down to Avery "... I don't want her in any pictures"
"Oh god, of course not!!" The girl scrunched up her face as if she was in pain. "I'm sorry, please forget I asked"
"No, don't be silly. Thanks for understanding!"
"You're totally right, and you're doing a great job of keeping her out of the public eye" The other smiled a genuine smile and I started to relax my shoulders.
"Thanks, I never know if I'm doing the right thing" I admit
"Well if it counts for anything we think you're doing a fab job. We've never seen Harry so happy and most of us know it's got a lot to do with you!"
The three of us turned to look at Harry who must have sensed us looking because he glanced up and caught my eye. He had his arm around a girls shoulders mid selfie but he wasn't paying attention. His eyes were fixed on me. His brows lowered in question, he wanted to know if I was ok. I gave him a little smile before turning my attention back to the girls who were now trying to casually peek inside Avery's pram. I manoeuvred the pram slightly so they could get a better look. I might not want her image splashed all over Instagram but I didn't mind the odd person having a look.
"She's so beautiful" The blonde gushed as the brunette smiled down at Avery who was still out cold.
"Thanks" I smiled awkwardly, not knowing what else to say. It was always nice hearing someone tell you how beautiful you're child was but it made me feel as awkward as if they were paying me the compliment.
"How old is she now?" One of them asked with genuine interest as another couple of girls came over to join our smaller group.
"Just turned 5 months" I answered proudly.
I'd come to realise parents got ridiculously proud over declaring their child's age. Like it was some reflection on their parenting skills that time had progressed naturally and their child was getting older. Or they were just proud they'd managed to keep them alive for so long.
And that's how I found myself entering into an enjoyable conversation with a large group of Harries as they like to call themselves. I found out that a couple of them had followed Harry around Europe for the majority of this tour so far, some had been to every one of his tours and others were seeing him for the first time.
When I pictured these women behind their keyboards or in front of their phones I imagined they hated me. They saw me as the gold-digging honey-trapper who had stolen precious Harry and forced him into a relationship with me. And maybe there were some girls out there who thought that of me, but this made me see they weren't all like that. In fact his fans were a group of kick ass women, supporting other women, doing their own thing while supporting Harry in whatever he did.
Harry must have realised I was getting a bit emotional because in an instant he was at my side again, thanking the women for their time and telling them he had promised me dinner and he wasn't about to break his promise.
Now we were strolling through the quaint square looking for somewhere for dinner. Avery was still sound asleep. She been awake all afternoon as Harry had carried her around the aquarium pointing out the beautiful fishes, but now being pushed around in her pram was allowing her to catch up on her precious sleep.
"This place looks nice?" I hesitate as we pass a little traditional Spanish restaurant.
"Sure" Harry smiles, letting go of my hand and gesturing for me to step inside.
We're shown to a large booth in the back where there's enough room to park Avery's pram.
Once were seated Harry utters the words no one wants to hear.
"I think we need to talk" Unfolding his arms and clasping his hands on the small oak table that lies between us he fidgets with the rings on his fingers.
"I think you should never start a sentence with 'we need to talk' cause now I'm going to be sick" I answer honestly as I feel the colour drain from my face.
"It's nothing bad, I don't think?" Harry's eyes go wide and it only exacerbates the feeling of dread settling in my stomach.
"You don't think? Oh that makes me feel so much better. Spit it out Harold before I lose my lunch. Jesus, there's a million scenarios running through my mind right now and believe me, none of them are good!"
"Ok, ok, wow way to lose the romance"
"Well don't start a sentence with we need to talk! When does anything good ever come at the end of a sentence that starts we need to talk" My arms are flailing now and I know if my voice goes any higher I'll only be discernible to dogs but I'm really struggling to control my emotions while I still have no idea what we need to talk about.
"Ok, calm down Nora" Harry gestures towards the table in the universal sign for 'Calm the fuck down'
"You are making me hysterical! I won't calm down just tell me before I lose it completely" I hiss over the table conscious that although the restaurant is relatively quiet, I don't know who's lurking around listening to us.
"Ok, jeez" Harry takes a deep breath. "So, I was just thinking, our relationship has been a bit in limbo for the past few weeks, months probably, and I think I'd like to define it" He looks up from underneath his dark eye lashes and finally his hands are calm, no wild gestures and no incessant fidgeting with his rings and it goes a long way to calm me, along with his words.
"You want to put a label on it? Mr I-Hate-Labels?" My brows furrow in confusion as I let me erratic thoughts trail off on a dangerous tangent.
His lip curls at the edge and I see his nerves calm a little more. "Yes, I'd like to label our relationship"
"Ok, how would you like to define our relationship?" I ask quietly.
"I dunno, could I call you my girlfriend?" Harry's eyes never leave mine, he's eager not to miss my reaction and he gets it immediately when I begin to smile. My heart expands inside my chest as I whisper.
"I think I'd like that"