November 2018
13 Weeks
I tell my work I have a doctors appointment and head straight to my midwife appointment. I sit for an hour and answer questions about my alcohol consumption, my use of recreational drugs, my family history of heart disease and diabetes. I also attempt to answer these questions about the babies father but it becomes apparent that I know nothing about him and Kathy abandons the questions half way through. Opting only to ask about me and my family.
"If you do chose to tell the father, we can come back and answer these at a later date" She smiles as she closes my notes and hands me them back.
"These are yours to keep through the duration of the pregnancy. They must go everywhere with you, to every appointment, every scan and even to the hospital when you go into labour"
After a beat she asks "Did you have a chance to look over the leaflets?"
I nod in confirmation.
"And...?"
"I'm not interested in what they had to offer." I nod sombrely.
"Ok" Kathy nods "Well your next appointment is your scan. I'll send you out an appointment card with your next appointment with me which will be when you're 14 weeks so won't be far away."
"Ok" I gather my stuff together and pop my notes in my bag.
"Best of luck with the scan. And remember I'm just a phone call away" She reminds me as I disappear out the door and back to work.
*
"Nora, can I see you in my office" My boss, Amanda, asks the moment I step off the elevator.
"Of course" I look up to see her standing beside reception. She spins and her heels click on the wooden floor as she strides to her office.
Shit. She knows I'm pregnant. I frantically worry as I follow her. How does she know? Who told her? Did someone see my going in to the doctors? Maybe I'm showing already I panic as I look down at my flat stomach. There's definitely no obvious signs of a baby there.
"Please, have a seat" Amanda gestures to the chairs on the opposite side of her desk.
"Gerry Fortnam has been on the phone this morning" Amanda looks at me sternly.
Oh thank god it's about the bid.
Amanda's never been a woman I was afraid of, but always a woman that I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of. She's always been a very inspiring and motivating woman to work for. But also a perfectionist and a hard woman to please. Right now, I can't read her facial expression. I have no idea if this is good news or bad news.
"It took them a long time to decide. They were very pleased with your pitch, your ideas, the hard work you'd already put in, but..."
My soaring heart sank, here was the bit where she told me, I didn't get it.
"They were also concerned with your lack of experience with a contract this size. This is a very large contract, for both you and my company"
I nod in understanding, attempting to prepare myself for the crushing blow.
"But despite those concerns they want to offer you the contract" I look up to see Amanda's beaming smile.
"Wait.. what?"
"I've set up a meeting for you, for a week on Monday, to sit down with Gerry and his team and go over contracts and schedules etcetera"
"That's amazing" I choke as the tears escape and the lump in my throat makes it hard to swallow.
"Are you ok, darling?" Amanda asks, alarmed by my tears. She's never seen me cry before.
"Fine" I attempt to smile through the tears. "I just worked so hard for this"
"And hard work is always rewarded. Now go home. You look like shit" I can always rely on Amanda to keep me grounded.
"But I was late in this morning and I took a half day on Monday" I protest, I don't want to get he reputation as a slacker.
"I know" Amanda waves me off. "I insist. Enjoy your weekend and i'll see you bright and early on Monday morning"
And just like that I was free to go.
*
Monday morning came and I was there bright and early. But I still had little work to do until I spoke to Mr Fortnam and his team. I spent all week working on basic design ideas for some of the pieces I know Fortnam wants. And then suddenly Thursday arrived. I had taken a days holiday so I didn't have to rush back to work after my scan. I burst into tears when Allison appeared at my door, despite knowing I wasn't going to work today. The tears wouldn't stop when she told me she had also taken the day off work. She would come with my if I wanted, she'd stay at home if I wanted. She take me out for lunch afterwards. What ever I needed she'd do.
"Of course I want you to come with me" I cried as I wrapped my arms around her petite frame.
"Ok good. Are you ready to go?"
I nodded as I picked up my bag with my notes and we headed out to the tube station.
The hospital was only a few stops on the tube and we thankfully arrived pretty early for my appointment. The maternity unit was well sign posted and before I knew it we were sitting, waiting to be taken. All around us were woman in different states of pregnancy. Some like me, that from the outside you couldn't tell they were pregnant. Some with massive swollen tummies, who looked like they were ready to pop. Some with friends, some with parents and some, who I didn't realise I was jealous of until right now, who were there with their partners, boyfriends or husbands. Fathers, with their hands resting on the pregnant mums belly. For the first time since finding out, I wish Harry knew. Even if we weren't sitting together like these couples. He could still be here, to see his baby for the first time, to hear his child's heartbeat for the first time. A chance I was stealing from him because I still hadn't told him. Hell, he was expecting a child and he didn't even know.
"Nora Henley" An Irish accent called.
I grabbed my bag and Allison and I followed the short, young woman down the corridor into a darkened room.
"Hi, Nora, I'm Julia, if you want to grab a seat on the bed, do you have your notes?"
"Oh, yeah" I fish my notes from my bag as I propped myself up on the bed. The overhead tube lights had all been switched off, the only light came from a table lamp on a bench in the far away wall which Julia was bent over, reading my notes.
"Can you just confirm your date of birth for me please Nora"
"Second of April 1992" I answered.
"Great, if you'd like to lie on the bed, and roll your leggings down till they're right on top of your public bone" she instructed.
Allison took my bag and jacket from me and sat on the chairs beside the bed on the opposite side from Julia. I lay down and did as I was told, rolling the waist band of my black leggings down till they were sitting dangerously low. I rolled my old Eagles tour t-shirt up so my bare stomach was exposed.
"Perfect" Julia smiled as she tucked in some white tissue paper over the band of my leggings. "This will stop the gel going on to your clothes hopefully"
Once she had my body prepped she sat on a wheeled stool beside the bed.
"What I need to do today is take a few measurements of the babies head, leg and tummy and that will give us an accurate due date. I also need to check a few other basic things, then I can let you see your baby and hear the heartbeat. The first wee bit can take a bit of time, especially if baby is a wriggler and doesn't play ball, so don't be alarmed if I don't say too much straight away. I need to do the important bits first, then you can see ok. Is dad coming in or is it just you two?" She asks politely as she taps some keys on her big computer and pulls a bottle from its holder.
"Just us" I gulp.
"Ok, I'll try and get some good pictures to show dad then" She gives a kind smile and I don't bother correcting her. Allison reaches up and gives my hand a comforting squeeze. I peer down and smile.
"You got this" She whispers.
I smile and look back up at the computer. It's facing towards Julia who is facing towords me so I can't see the screen at all.
"This gel shouldn't be too cold. We have new warmers that should stop it getting too cold" I smile politely as she squirts the gel on to my lower tummy. I understand now why she had me roll my leggings down so far. I stupidly assumed the baby was in my stomach area, around my belly button but she presses the wand onto my abdomen.
"There we are..." She murmurs as she presses a few keys on a strange looking keyboard.
"Perfect little heartbeat..." She gives me a brief smile before focussing back on the screen.
The clock ticks by with a lot of "perfects", and "greats" before Julia eventually stills the roller wand on my abdomen.
"You want to see your baby now?" She smiles down at me and I nod eagerly. Surprised by how much I want to see this little thing inside me. Julia turns the screen so it's facing both Allison and I and presses the wand down again and suddenly we're met with a grainy black and grey image. Slowly Julia twists the wand ever so slightly and a baby comes into view.
"Oh god" I gasp as the tears break free and I can feel them leak down the side of my face.
I quickly look at Allison who is also wiping at tears, we immediately look back at the screen.
"So can you see what you're supposed to be looking at?" Julia asks as the baby in front of us wriggles around.
"So clearly" I whisper as I identify the babies head, and body. It's not much, but as clear as day I can see my little baby on the screen. Julia pushes the wand in further and jiggles it around a bit,
"That's an arm" She points to a tiny little bone.
"And that's two legs" She moves the wand again.
Moving the wand completely the image disappears but suddenly I can see two perfectly formed feet. "Ten tiny toes"
Suddenly the wand shifts and I can see the baby in its entirety again.
"That fuzzy little grey bit there, is the heart. Can you see it?"
I nod as Allison gasps which makes me chuckle.
"Just give me a second" Julia murmurs as she clicks a few things on her keyboard and suddenly I can hear, what can only be described as the sound of a steam train, chugging down a track.
"And that's the heartbeat" Julia smiles
"Really?" I gasp. "That fast?"
She nods. "Babies heartbeat is always a lot faster than ours. That's a perfectly healthy sound.
"That's magical" Allison breathes as the sound stops and Julia pulls the wand to a different place.
"Just give me another second to I do some more measurements then you're done"
I turn to face Allison.
"Happy?" She asks through tears
"Very" I answer
Julia presses in with the wand and takes a few more measurements and we hear a strange sound which I'm told is just my placenta working properly. Eventually she takes the wand off and hands me a massive dod of tissue paper. "Use that to clean off any leftover gel. Just give me a second to write up some notes"
Once I'm clear of gel I pull my legging backs up and sit in the plastic chair beside Allison.
"Right, all sorted. Your dates match so looks like your due date is the 10th of May" Julia smiles, handing over my notes with a strip of scan pictures. "If you go back out to reception you can make an appointment for your 16 week scan in 3 weeks"
"Is that the one where you can tell the gender?" Allison asks.
"Sometimes, not always. It depends on how the babies lying and how much it's moving around. If you want to find out, we can certainly have a good look for you. Any other questions?"
"Don't think so" I shake my head.
"Ok, have a lovely day"
"Thank you" I smile as we leave to make my next appointment.
*
"It's crazy to think this little bean is inside you" Allison smiles that evening, cup of tea in hand, feet curled under her legs and baby scan photo in hand.
I mirror her on the other sofa, with my favourite scan picture in my hand. I cant stop staring at it. I can see the babies head so clearly and a little arm and leg. It looks like a proper baby. A proper baby that's currently growing inside me. A baby, that come May next year, I will be able to hold in my arms. It's amazing how one scan, seeing your actual baby, can change it all.
"So just to work out how you tell Harry now" Allison eyes me over her mug of tea gaging my reaction.
"Wow, way to ruin the mood, Al" I huff sarcastically.
"I know Nora, but needs must. You said.."
"I know. I know. I'll tell him okay? But how the hell do I do that?" I ask, placing the scan picture on top of the coffee table and curling back up with my mug.
Allison stares at me blankly, forcing me to come up with my own ideas.
"Ok, I could try and contact him through social media, message him on Twitter or Instagram or something, seeing as I don't have his number. I could try and go through his management team to set up a meeting. Or seeing as the only thing I actually know about him is where he lives, I could just turn up at his house one day?"
"Ok, so social media: you may get to speak to him, your message may also get lost in the millions of messages he gets sent every day"
Allison counts them out on her fingers. "Management team: probably wouldn't set up a meeting without you telling them what it is about first. Which means his management team might know before he does" She frowns not liking that idea.
"Turning up at his house: no guarantee he's in and you might look like a crazy stalker. Maybe not the best way to start"
"So what? What's my best option?" I ask still none the wiser.
"Social media" Allison barks looking at her phone.
"Why?" I ask pulling my phone from the coffee table.
"Cause he's just liked a photo on Instagram. Means he's online. Send something and see if he replies"
"How do you know he's liked a picture?"
"Turned his notifications on, didn't I! Got to keep tabs on baby daddy" She smiles mischievously.
Shaking my head at her "What the hell do I say?" I ask frantically opening my Instagram app and searching for Harry Styles, whom I don't even follow. I hit the follow button and open a Direct Message.
"Hi Harry, we met a few months ago at Satire... I have something I really need to talk to you about.... stick in your number and ask him to call you?" Allison suggests.
And I copy it. Word for word. I put my number in and hit send before I can overthink it any further.
And all I can do now is wait.