November 2018
14 weeks
Waiting is torture. I spend all weekend, glued to my phone, continuously checking my direct messages and my call log just to see if I magically missed the notification and Harry has in fact messaged or called. But I miss no notifications because he doesn't call. Which means he's either missed my message or seen it and chosen to ignore it. But it doesn't stop me acting like a teenage school girl, unable to put my phone down because I'm sure the second I do is the second he'll call. But the call never comes.
My meeting with Gerry Fortnam goes swimmingly well on Monday morning, despite my permanently distracted aura. We come up with a clear schedule of what he wants done and when he wants it by. It's a lot and it's enough to keep me swamped at work, which gives me less time to obsess over Harry and our lack of communication.
The night before my midwife appointment, I send him another message, this time on Twitter, asking him to please get in contact. He does not.
The appointment goes without a hitch. It's a much quicker appointment. My midwife checks my blood pressure, which is normal, she takes a shit ton of blood to test, she also asks me to pee in a tiny viale which she checks and tells me it is also normal which is always reassuring to know.
November
16 Weeks
It gets to the night before my 16 week scan and I've still heard nothing from Harry. In 3 weeks I've sent him 8 messages in total. Each of which has gone unanswered.
"You're going to need to try a different approach" Allison suggests, as we sit at the dinner table after my wonderfully prepared Omelette is demolished.
I shrug dejectedly. His lack of communication is pissing me off. I've sent 8 messages and he's not answered one of them. Does he just not care what I have to say?
"Do you want to do a drive by?" Allison suggests.
"A what now?" I asked perplexed.
"I brought my car with me tonight. We could take a drive by his house. If it looks like he's in then you could chap his door"
"Gate" I correct her as I mull over the idea.
Now it's Allison's turn to look perplexed.
"There's a gate to get in the driveway. I couldn't just walk up to his door.
"Oh, ok, well whatever. Door, gate, do you want to go?"
"I don't suppose I have many other options"
"Do you want to get changed first?" Allison asks as I get up and pull my navy coat on over my grey jumper and black leggings.
"I don't need to impress him. I'm going to tell the man I'm carrying his child" As I head to the front door, I fish through my notes and pull out a few scan pictures and zip them carefully into my pocket. I pull on my black ankle boots, then lock the door behind us as Allison hurries our behind me. We make it into Allison's 1000 year old rust bucket she calls a car.
This old thing must be at least 11 years old. It's done well over 80,000 miles, it rattles and whines when it goes over 40 miles an hour but Allison only ever uses it when she drives down to Devon to see her parents or in emergencies. Which is now I guess.
"Least the heaters still work" I chuckle as I try to heat my hands. It's the middle of November and winter has well and truly settled in. The car lights guide us as I direct us North, towards Harry's house. I surprise myself by getting us there quickly and without getting us lost.
"Do you think he's in?" Allison asks as she parks up on the pavement across the road.
"There looks to be lights on" I point to an upper floor where a few lights can be seen poking out the side of curtains and behind blinds.
"It's half past 6" Allison points out, "I'd say just now is as good a time as any"
"Do you know what you're going to say?" Allison asks as I reach for the handle.
"No bloody idea" I answer as I push myself out of the car. The door rattles as I slam it shut and check for traffic, the roads clear so I jog across the street. Suddenly wishing I hadn't jogged because now I'm just standing outside of his gate, unsure what the hell to do.
I look at the number key pad and the call button. My hand hovers for a few seconds before I find the confidence to press the call button. I hear a small ringing then silence. I look up at the house and see no signs of life other than the lights. I look up and down the empty street.
I take a chance and ring the bell again. Followed by another silence. Just as I'm about to give up and head back to the car, I hear a clicking sound and that familiar deep voice.
"Hello?" His voice echoes through the intercom.
"... Hi. Harry?" I stutter.
"Yes?" He asks, his voice sounding pissed off.
"Hi. Sorry. My name's Nora. We met a couple of months ago at Satire. I don't know..."
"The disappearing girl?" His voice interrupts me. I think I can hear humour in his voice but it's hard to tell.
"That's me"
"Ok, how can I help you?" His tone becomes short again.
"Is there any chance I could come in? I have something I need to speak to you about" I try not to sound desperate but I'm not sure I manage it. He says nothing. The faint crackle tells me he's still there.
"Please? It's important."
"Ok, I'll buzz you through" The crackling stops but there's a dull buzz and the gate clicks. I push and it opens easily. I give Allison a small thumbs up and then find myself on the other side of the gate.
The white brick house looks the same as I make it up to his large front door, it opens before I can knock and my breath is caught in my throat as I'm greeted by Harry. He's wearing black sweat pants and a grey tshirt and his hair is wet and floppy, like he's not long out of the shower. My eyes travel from his hair to his sickles feet and I immediately snap my eyes back to his face, hopefully he doesn't see me checking him out.
"How can I help you?" Harry asks, holding the door tight to his body. I try and peer over his shoulder but he's left very little room for me to see. The house seems quiet so I can only assume he doesn't have company.
"Can I come in please?" I ask, shoving my hands into my pockets. I can feel the heat escaping from the door but it's doing little to warm me up.
He eyes me suspiciously, still not budging.
"Please, Harry. I don't want to do this on your doorstep"
A deep V forms on his forehead as he frowns and reluctantly steps back, allowing me back into his home.
"Here, let me take that" He offers as I take my coat off, welcoming the heat closer to my body.
Despite his standoffishness at the door, he graciously takes my coat and leads me through into the kitchen, draping my coat over a kitchen chair.
"Can I get you anything to drink?" He asks, his frown still etched on his face but his manners not slipping.
"Water, please" A happy distraction from what I'm about to do.
I take a moment to admire his kitchen as he busies himself getting me a glass of water. The dark granite surfaces and warm blue cupboard doors give the kitchen a dark, cosy vibe, the grey metro tiles on the wall give it a modern feel but totally contradict the massive old farm house style dining table that sits in the middle of the room. The candles on top of the table give off a delicious floral scent and the flames give another cosy vibe to the room.
"So what can I do for you?" Harry asks as he passes me a glass of cold water. He folds his arms and ankles as he leans back against his kitchen counter. His grey t-shirt stretched across his chest.
I stand awkwardly facing him. I take a sip of the water and place it on the dining table. And reach into my coat pocket, pulling out my favourite scan image. I hold it in my hands for a few seconds, my back to Harry. Knowing that when I turn round, it'll no longer be my little secret. It'll be something I can't control anymore.
I turn and hand him the small rectangle and watch as he turns it over in his hands. It takes him only a few seconds to realise. His pupils dilate so much his eyes are almost black and the air leaves his body in a huff.
I see him look up to see my name at the top of the scan. Confirming that it's mine.
"You're pregnant?" He voices aloud. I'm not really sure it's a question, he doesn't look up for an answer and the pictures dated, with my name on it, but I answer him anyway.
"Yeah..."
"How far along are you?" His voice lower and slower than normal.
"16 weeks" I whisper, scared of his reaction. He seems so calm and in control. His eyes the only thing giving away the emotion coursing through his body.
"Which makes date of conception...?" He trails off
"4th of August" I answer. "The night we slept together"
"Shit" He lets out a controlled breath, his eyes never leaving the picture.
"It's definitely yours" I blurt out awkwardly as he slowly looks up from the scan to lock eyes with me. I can't read his expression.
"I thought as much" He answers looking back down at the scan. "I don't imagine you'd be here, showing me this if it wasn't mine."
"Ok" I nod as he looks back down to examine the picture. His words stinging slightly.
"Sorry" He mumbles. "You're 16 weeks? Why has it taken you till now to tell me?" He asks.
I shrug. "I don't really have a very good reason" I tell him honestly. His eyes meet mine and for a second I feel like I can't breathe. I desperately don't want to disappoint him but I won't lie to him.
"It took me a while to come to terms with it, I think. Then I didn't want to turn up at your door with no proof, so I waited till after my first scan. I tried for a few weeks to get in touch with you through social media..."
"Did you?" He frowns
"I sent you a few direct messages on Instagram and Twitter, but you didn't answer"
"Sorry. I don't check my direct messages very often. There's a lot in there" He grimaces.
"How're you feeling?" He asks after a few moments of awkward silence, still holding the image delicately in his fingers.
"Ok" I admit. "The morning sickness is starting to ease off so, that's good... " I break off not really sure if he wants that much information but I have no idea how I'm supposed to be acting right now.
"Good" Harry nods, never taking his eyes from the scan.
"I have another scan tomorrow" I blurt out.
His head pops up. "Really?"
"Yeah, a 16 week scan, they might be able to tell me the gender" I pause "Would you like to come?"
My heart hurts at the crushed look on his face. "I don't know... I'm not sure if that's a good idea. This is a lot. Just a lot to come to terms with, ye know?" He runs his free hand through his floppy brown hair, just as unsure what words to use as I am.
"I understand" I swallow, trying to disperse the lump in my throat. "Well it's at University College Hospital at 10:15 if you change your mind"
"Thank you" He answers
"So... what do you want to do now?" I ask, unsure how to avoid this awkward atmosphere.
He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. "Can you just... give me a bit of time?" He asks. "This is a lot to take in. Can you give me your number and I'll call you in a couple of days once... I dunno. Once I know what the hell to say"
"Yeah sure" I try to keep my voice cheery. I can understand his need for space. It might not be what I want to hear but I can understand it.
"Ok, cool" He takes a deep breath handing me his phone. I quickly type my number and save it under Nora and phone myself so I have his number too.
"Ok, I better head off then" I gesture back out towards the door as I hand his phone back.
"Yeah ok" He answers, still with the same dazed look on his face. "Do you need a lift or something?" He pulls my jacket from the chair and holds it out for me.
"No thanks. My friend's out the front waiting for me" I answer shrugging the coat on.
"Ok" Harry nods. "Ok, well I'll be in touch I guess. Can I keep this?" He asks showing me the scan picture he still has in his hand.
"Sure" I smile as he follows me to the front door.
"Ok. Well I'll give you a phone. But if there's an emergency just give me a call. Okay?"
"Sure" I repeat as he opens the front door for me.
"Bye" I give him a small wave as I crunch down the gravel path. I glance back to see Harry still watching me as I reach the gate. He gives me a small wave before I disappear through the gate. I jog across the street and get in Allison's car who's still sitting in the same spot.
"So?" She asks excitedly as she jiggles her knee up and down.
"It went better than I expected, I guess" I say breathlessly as I stare out the window in front of me a bit dazed and confused but a lot less so than Harry.
"How so? What did he say?" She asks, her misplaced excitement almost palpable.
"He believed me for a start" I shrug.
"Is he going to go with you tomorrow?"
"No" I admit. The words stinging my throat. The hardest part to handle was the fact he didn't want to come tomorrow. I could understand the hesitancy, the need to wrap his head around this whole crazy situation. I couldn't understand how he didn't want to see his baby as soon as possible.
"He said he needs a few days to wrap his head around it then he'll call me"
She nods in understanding. "Do you want me to come with you tomorrow? I could pull a sicky?" Allison offers.
"No, don't be silly" I think I can manage this one on my own" I smile, wrapping Allison's hands in mine.
"Thank you for everything you've done for me" Were not big on public displays of affection but right now I need her to know how much I appreciate everything she's doing for me.
"Nonsense" Allison grins squeezing my hands. "You know I'll be beside you every step of the way"
"I know" I smile through a veil of tears. "I love you, All"
"Love you too Nora"
*
That night I don't get much sleep. I toss and turn all night, running over Harry and I's relatively short conversation. I analyse every word he spoke and every bit of body language I can remember until I eventually fall into a fitful sleep.
I regret telling Allison not to come with me as I make the short journey to the hospital alone. My nerves go into over drive when I step from the Tube. What if something goes wrong and I'm here all alone. I look up just as I make it to the front door of the maternity unit and immediately my eyes are drawn to the beautiful man, standing just inside the double doors. His head bent low, his shoulders hunched, the purple shadows under his eyes telling me he got about as much sleep as I did.
"You came?" I ask Harry as I approached. The blast of heat coming from the overdoor heater making my hair go everywhere.
"Yeah" He nods, shoving his hands in his pocket. "Sorry about yesterday. I didn't know what to say. I realised this morning I wanted to be here. Is that okay?"
"Of course" I give him a cautious smile, pulling my hand bag higher up to distract myself from the awkwardness. I want to beam at him, overjoyed that he showed up but I can tell he feels uncomfortable.
"It's just this way" I point down the bright corridor, giving my hands something to do.
Harry nods and falls in step beside me. I give my name at reception, the waiting room is slightly quieter than the last time I was here, which I'm thankful for. Harry asks if we can sit in the furthest away corner.
"Sure" I nod and follow him.
"Is it normal to be so nervous?" He asks, hunched over, his forearms resting on his knees and his fingers twirling a ring around his forefinger.
"I think so" I answer. "I think I'm more nervous this time around than I was at the last scan"
"Really?" Harry asks, looking at me over his shoulder.
I nod. "I think last time I had no idea what to expect and I probably wasn't onboard with the whole thing, then the minute I saw the baby on the screen, something changed. It was like someone flipped a switch and I was 100% on the baby train" I smile and Harry smirks over his shoulder. "But I guess this time I know I'm expecting to see a baby, and hear a heartbeat and..." I trail off away from my morbid thoughts. "I'd just be devastated if I didn't get to see that today"
"I just have no idea what to expect" Harry sighs, leaning back in his chair beside me. "24 hours ago my life was exactly how I expected it to be and suddenly today, I'm going to be a dad"
"Wow" He breathes after a second. "That's the first time I've said that out loud" He runs both his fists through his hair.
"Look Harry, I know you said you needed time to wrap your head around this and I totally get that. I understand if you need to take a few weeks to get on board, if you want to be on board, with this whole thing. But I want you to know, I really appreciate you being here today" I shrug as his green eyes turn to meet mine.
"I don't know how we're going to manage this, Nora. I can't promise what kind of Dad I'll be or how my lifestyle will contribute to what kind of parent I can be. But I'm not going to leave you to do this alone" His intense gaze helps to drill his point home.
"Nora Henley" I look up as a small woman with a kind, round face calls my name from a clipboard in front of her. I grab my bag and stand as Harry follows behind. My heart starts racing as we enter the same dark room I was in the last time.
"Nora, I'm Margaret, I'll be your sonographer" She smiles shaking my hand before taking my notes from me.
"And you must be Dad?" She smiles at Harry, clearly oblivious to who he is.
"Uhh yeah" He nods shaking her hand.
"Well Dad, please have a seat" She gestures towards the seats. "And Mum, pop up here for me" She pats the bed as I dump my bag and jacket beside Harry. Turning around Margaret begins leafing through my notes. The leather bed is cold against my back as I roll down my leggings again. My heart flutters and I'm not sure if it's the prospect of seeing the little bean or that she referred to me as Mum, or Harry as Dad? My emotions are too unstable to understand I'm feeling anything I'm feeling right now.
I know before I look at him that Harry's eyes are on me. His eyes are focussed on my stomach which, thankfully, is still pretty flat. His eyes look pensive as he leans forward, his chin resting on his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. But his eyes breake my heart. He looked scared. Shit scared, and I didn't know how to comfort him. Or even if I should.
I reach out and grab his hand, giving it a squeeze. It was enough to brake him from his trance. He gives me a brief smile and gives my hand a quick squeeze before I take it back to rest on my rib cage.
"Ok, are we ready?" Margaret beamed, wheeling herself beside me, gel in hand. I nod and took a deep breath as she spreads the gel across my tummy again.
"There we go. Perfect little heartbeat" She smiles after seconds and I felt the tension leave my body. She pauses the wand and pulls the screen around to us. I peer up at the screen to see the same fuzzy image I saw only a few weeks ago. Immediately I can see the babies head and body again, but then the baby moves and I can see an arm and a hand too.
I turn to see Harry's reaction and a breath catches in my throat as I watch him wipe tears away. I smile as he looks at me, lost in the wave of emotion.
"That's my baby?" He asks
I nod and smile through the tears now clouding my vision.
"That's your baby." I whisper.