December
18 weeks
There was something soothing about locking the doors on a cold night, lighting a few candles , ordering Chinese and watching mind-numbing Teen romance films on Netflix. That was my plans for the night. If I could find something to wear.
"Nothing fits" I whined at my reflection in the mirror. I was currently trying to make a red t-shirt and yoga pants look cute and casual but instead I felt fat.
My t-shirt, which was already short to begin with now looked like a crop top around my swollen tummy. My trousers, while still fitted round my waist and my little bump, just wouldn't sit right so the bump was just on full display.
I could put on one of my pyjama tshirts but I was fed up always dressing like a slob when I got in from work. I could put a jumper on but the hormones were giving me an average body temperature similar to the sun and despite opening every bloody window in the flat I was still roasting. And the rain kept blowing in the gap and soaking my windowsills so I chose to shut the windows and opt for less clothes.
I rifled through my wardrobe trying to find something comfier to wear but I was coming up short. Not that I was getting dressed up to go anywhere, it was Saturday night, Allison was busy and I was going to order Chinese food and Skype my parents for the dreaded big reveal. Just for once I didn't want to feel like an ugly slob.
I pulled my laptop out from under the coffee table and plopped myself down on the couch after giving up and sticking with the red adidas tshirt. I opened up the ASOS website and searched for their maternity range. I assumed Maternity clothing was frumpy and conservative and not like anything I'd chose to wear on a daily basis but as I began adding stuff into my basket I realised there were some really cute pieces. I found some cute little t-shirts, a few long sleeved tops for if I ever felt cool again, a couple of dresses that would be great for work when I got a bit bigger, a pair of over-bump black skinny jeans and a few pairs of cigarette trousers and I hadn't even started on coats. I was so lost in clothing that I didn't initially register the sound of my doorbell. The melodic tune infiltrated my subconscious on the second ring and I considered not answering. I hadn't ordered dinner yet and Allison was out on a date, so there wasn't anyone else I was that interested in seeing. Well not anyone that would come to my door. Unless...
My curiosity got the better of my and I managed to answer it before he was able to ring the bell for the third time.
"Harry? What're you doing here?" My brows knitted together in confusion, I quickly moved to the side to let him in out, of the rain. A gust of wind hurled in behind him and I suddenly became very conscious of my lack of clothing. I pulled at the hem of my t-shirt trying to cover myself up a bit but it was no use.
"I brought dinner" He offered me a large white paper bag which I took from him as he pulled his coat off hanging it on the rail I had beside the front door.
"I'm leaving for L.A on Monday so I thought we could... hang out? Before I go" He shrugged suddenly looking nervous. "You don't have plans do you?"
"No, no" I gesture for him to follow me into the living room where I place the warm bag beside my laptop.
"I was just going to Skype my mum and dad actually. I still haven't told them about the baby" I grimace.
"Ohhh" Harry's lips formed a perfect O as he nods in understanding. "Well, I could be here for moral support? Or... I could talk to them too if you wanted?"
"Probably not a good idea" I shook my head as I turned to go into the kitchen.
"Why? Are you going to tell them it's mine? Or who I am, I mean?" He asked, following me into the kitchen. He had one of those gaudy knitted jumpers on. This one was black adorned with bright yellow stars. I avoided looking at him by getting plates and cups out.
"Do you want a beer?" I asked over my shoulder as he stood awkwardly in the door way.
"No thanks, I've got the car, water will be fine" He watched me intently as I fixed two glasses of water.
"So...?" He asked picking up the dinner plates and the kitchen role and following me back into the living room. We exchanged a plate for a cup and we sat down on separate sofas as Harry ripped the bag open.
"I got Chinese" He told me as I continued to avoid his question, unsure what my answer was.
"Great" I smiled as he passed me some polystyrene containers, opening one to find my usual order of crispy shredded chicken.
"How did you know my...?"
"... Stop avoiding my question. You told me the first night I was here." He cut me off as he spooned his dinner on to his plate.
"I don't know what to tell them. I don't know if telling them about you will make it better or worse." I answered quietly as I lifted my full plate onto my lap and sat back on the sofa. I watched him as he mirrored my actions. He glanced over then quickly looked back down at his plate but it was long enough to see the hurt in his eyes.
"Do you think they'll be disappointed I'm the father?" He asked as he moved his fork aimlessly around his plate. He was staring at his plate trying to play it cool but I knew he was waiting on my answer.
"Honestly? I don't know" I shrugged pushing my plate back on to the coffee table, suddenly losing my ravenous appetite.
"Are you disappointed?" He looked up but I can see it in eyes he is scared of my answer.
"Disappointed I've gotten myself in to this position but not disappointed you're the father, no" I answer truthfully.
He nods in understanding, running his lips through his thumb and his forefinger as he considers my answer. I pick my plate back up when he doesn't answer, forcing myself to eat despite the ball of nerves in my stomach. I hate feeling like I've offended him or put him in a bad mood because of something I've said but it won't stop me being honest with him.
"What're you looking at?" He mumbles with a mouth full of Chow Mein, nodding towards my laptop. He's relaxed a little, now that he's lying back on the couch, his boots propped up on my coffee table with his plate resting against his chest.
"Maternity clothes" I purse my lips and lift my eyebrows. "Everything's getting too tight" I wave my spoon in the general direction of my current ensemble.
"That's cause you've popped" His pursed lips emphasising the harsh letters.
I cocked my eyebrow questioningly.
"That's a thing that people say!" He laughed
"If you say so" I rolled my eyes shovelling in another forkful of dinner.
"Well you're almost half way there, surely that's normal to need new clothes to accommodate the bump"
"But it's not just the bump" I whined. "I've put on weight everywhere. My arms are bigger, I suddenly have a double chin and my arse is fat" I stated matter of factly.
"You do not have a double chin and your arse is definitely not fat" He fixed me with an intense stare that almost caused me to doubt myself.
He eventually looked away allowing me to breathe again. "We'll agree to disagree then" I rolled my eyes only because I knew he wasn't looking at me. "I still need new clothes"
"Will you let me buy them for you?" He looked up hesitantly.
"Nope" I answered immediately giving it no thought at all.
"Why?" He quickly countered.
"Because I'm not letting you buy my clothes. We'll come up against these arguments, and I'll give in, when it comes to stuff for the baby, but you are not buying my clothes Harry" now it's my turn to fix him with a pointed stare.
"So you'll let me pay for all the baby stuff?" His face suddenly transforms with a shit eating grin as I slowly realise what I've said.
"Not all of it" I try to reason with him. Harry just chuckles as he shakes his head and thankfully it seems to bring the money conversation to a close.
I know we'll come up against these problems eventually but I'm going to pick my battles, and tonight is not the night for this particular battle, I've got bigger problems to combat right now, I thought glancing at the clock.
"It's 6 o'clock" I muse out loud.
"Huh?" Harry was to engrossed, scrapping the last of his dinner on to his fork to look up.
"I should Skype my parents" I frown, pushing my half eaten dinner plate on to the coffee table and picking up my laptop.
"Do you want me to go?" Harry looked crestfallen as he threw his thumb towards the door as if I didn't know how he would be vacating the property.
"No" I immediately answered. Admittedly him leaving might make this impending conversation a little easier and potentially less awkward, but I didn't want him to leave. "Just stay there" I point to the couch and try and flatten the small wispy hairs that are escaping from my bun and wipe round my lips to make sure I don't have any stray rice sticking to my face.
I pull the laptop onto my lap before pushing it onto the couch again. "I can't do this" I whine burying my head in my hands. "They're going to be so disappointed and angry with me!" I wail being a tad over dramatic.
"You don't know that Nora" Harry leans forward resting his forearms on his knees and fiddling with the ring on his forefinger. I've noticed he does this when he's anxious and it distracts me for a second.
"They might be over the moon, you're giving them a grandchild. My mum was ecstatic, if slightly shocked"
"You've told your mum?" I gasp. It hadn't crossed my mind that Harry might have told someone he was having a baby. I assumed he'd say it was no one else's business.
"Yeah, Sorry, I should have mentioned it. I told her last week. She was over the moon after she got over the initial shock. She can't wait to meet you, she'll probably become one of those overbearing grandmothers that wants involved in everything. She's wanted grandkids forever. She just always assumed my sister would be the one to give her them first" He shrugged nonchalantly.
"Shit, ok. Right. My parents need to know" I nodded picking up my laptop again. "Just stay there" I eyed Harry suspiciously as he lifted his hands in mock surrender.
"And don't say a word" I fixed him with a stern look. He pretended to lock his lips and throw away the key which made me smile. Distracting me again from the feeling of impending doom.
"Ok.." I mumbled whistling softly to myself as I opened Skype to see my mother was online. A small part of me was hoping she'd forgotten I said I'd Skype her tonight. She has probably been wired to the moon at the prospect of seeing my face for the first time in a couple of weeks, she's probably been sitting patiently at her computer for the last 3 hours waiting for me to appear.
I clicked on her icon to initiate a video-call. I regretted not going to the toilet before starting this call. I was so nervous there was a slight chance I might pee myself.
"Hello darling" My mums fuzzy image appeared as the connection got stronger and a better picture formed in front of me.
"Hi Mum" I smiled as I blinked away a film of tears that formed over my eyes at the sound of her comforting voice.
"Gary.... GARY!!!" My mum yelled into the room. "Nora's on, do you want to come and talk to her?"
I smiled as I hear my dad shout something in the background.
"Your daughter!" She yelled again. "Just get in here"
I looked up to see Harry, watching me, smiling listening to my parents bickering.
"He's as deaf as a post" My mum muttered, pulling my attention back to her.
"There's my beautiful girl" I heard my dad's voice before he appeared behind my mum, waving like a loon.
"Hey Dad" My voice cracks a little as I give him a small wave.
"Nora? Is everything ok?" My mum asked, concern clear on her face. My dad frowned as he leaned over her shoulder.
"Baby girl, everything ok?" He asks, I glance up and Harry is watching me closely, his eyes full of the same concern. I take a deep breath.
"Ok, I have some news" I force a smile, trying to get my emotions in check. My parents wait expectantly.
"I'm pregnant" I feel sick as I watch my parents reaction. They both frown immediately.
"You're pregnant?" My mum asks, the frown line above her eyebrows deepening. I nod as she asks how far along I am.
"I'm 19 Weeks"
"19 weeks!" My mum gasps, a hand flying up to her mouth. "Why has it taken you so long to tell us? How long have you known?"
"I've knows since I was 11 Weeks. It was a bit of a surprise and I wasn't totally on board with it for a while but now I am so..." I trail off not sure what else I can say without offending them.
"But I didn't even know you had a boyfriend?" My dad asks
"I don't. It came.. it was..." I fumble over my words, avoiding looking at Harry again. "It was an accident" I confirm as I watch my dad's face fall and I simultaneously want to be sick. This was the bit I was dreading. I can feel Harry's eyes on me but I don't have the confidence to look at him. My eyes are staring at my parents on the screen because I can't bare to look up and see a trace of hurt in his eyes.
"Do you know who the father is? Does he know?" My mum asks. I should be slightly offended by what her first question insinuates but I just want to get this conversation over with, with very little fuss.
"Yes, I know who the father is and yes he knows." Harry sits silently but I still refuse to look at him.
My parents are stunned into silence for a moment before my dad pipes up. "Is he involved? Does he want to be involved?"
"Yes, he wants to be very involved" I answer chancing a glance at Harry, still leaning forward twiddling with his rings but his eyes are fixed on me. His expression is unreadable. His body his tense, he shoulders are tight and his fingers are still twiddling with his rings.
"This is... wow" my mum breathed leaning back in the the black computer chair in their spare room. "Are you okay?" She asked after a second, leaning back into the screen while my dad stood stupefied behind her.
"I am now" I answered honestly. "Things seem to be progressing fine. I've got an anomaly scan next week so that will be good to see the baby again"
"Do you know what you're having? You're half way there already, I've missed out on so much" My mum sighed, regret laced over her kind features. A stab of regret hit my harder than I thought it would. I'd kept them out. I'd denied my mother the first half of my pregnancy because of my fear of judgement and disappointment.
I shook my head as I tried to blink away the tears. "No, they couldn't see at the last scan and I don't know if I'll find out this time, it might be a nice surprise"
"When's your next scan?" My mum asked
"Friday" I give them what I hope is a reassuring smile. My dad still isn't saying much, he looks shocked which I suppose I can understand.
"Ok" She nods slowly. "Well that's... It's good news" She attempts a smile but it doesn't quite reach her blue eyes. "We're both really happy for you"
"Thanks Mum" I attempt to say through my tears. I hope the screen is pixelated enough that they can't see how clearly I'm crying now.
"I better go" I say.
"Ok" My mum nods before I can make up some excuse as to why I have to leave so suddenly. Her need to get away from this conversation glaringly obvious.
"Keep in touch" She adds. "Call me tomorrow when we've had some time to process"
I nod, biting my bottom lip, hoping not to let out the sob bubbling in my chest. But the minute I close the laptop after saying goodbye the sob erupts.
"Hey hey hey" Harry soothes, suddenly on the sofa beside me and wrapping his arm around my back. "That wasn't so bad." He brings his hand to my cheek, gently persuading me to look at him through the tears.
"It was horrendous" I choke. "My dad couldn't even look at me"
"Shhhh" Harry circles his large palm over my back gently. The warm, soothing rhythm calming my erratic heartbeat. "Just give them a couple of days to get their head around it. It was a big bombshell to drop, they just need a few days"
I stayed silent, thinking about his words. I was hypocritical if I couldn't give them a couple of days to get used to the idea of being grandparents. It had taken me weeks, the least I could do was give them a few days.
Gently, Harry pulled me back so I was lying against the back of the sofa, with his arm wrapped around my shoulders he pulled me closer to his body. I allowed myself to snuggle into his shoulder, taking comfort from his proximity.
"Can I?" He asked as his hand hovered over my bump.
"It's your baby" I shrugged, giving him permission to touch the growing bump.
"It's your body" He countered.
I didn't answer him, instead, pulling my feet up to rest on the couch, my knees dropping to rest on top of his thighs, my body and bump angled towards him.
He took this as his permission and gently lay his hand over my stomach, coming to rest just to the right of my belly button. His large hand took up almost half of my stomach. His thumb began slowly stroking back and forth. The gentle tickle sent a dull ache straight between my legs. A feeling I hadn't had in a long time.
"I can't believe I'm going to miss the next scan" He sighed
"Are you sure you don't want me to find out the gender?" I ask as I watch his thumb stroke back and forth over my tight skin.
"I want it to be a surprise, so I don't want to. But if you do and you find out then I want you to tell me" His voice was so close that I could feel his breath ghost over my neck as I lay with my head on his shoulder.
"Why don't you want to know?"
He thought for a moment before answering. "You don't get many surprises in this life. I want that moment, you know when they hold the baby up and tell you what it is" my head bobs up and down as he shrugs. "I'd just like to experience that moment"
"You want to be there? When I'm in labour? I ask turning my face so I can see his reaction.
"Obviously. My baby's being born, of course I want to be there" He removes his hand from my stomach to tuck a stray hair behind my ear and his touch sends shivers down my spine.
"Do you want me there?" He asks, his easy confidence is no where to be seen.
"Yeah" I nod. His face only inches from mine.
"Good" Harry whispers as his eyes dart between my own, his face slowly inching forward until his lips touch mine.
His lips dance slowly with my own, his hand moves to caress the back of my neck, holding me to him, and it sends goosebumps across my skin as my eyes flutter close. The kiss deepens as Harry's tongue runs across my bottom lip. My head feels dizzy as he pushes his tongue into my mouth and our tongues fight for space. Eventually I pull back, in desperate need for air and his mouth travels along my cheek, nibbling a path along my jaw to the tender sweet spot below my ear.
I moan his name and before I can comprehend what's happening he's pulling away.
"Shit" He mumbles. "I shouldn't have done that"
I open my eyes to see him running his hands through his hair. He's shifted away so we're no longer touching. His sudden reaction is like a bucket of ice water over my burning flame.
I sit up as a wave of shame washes over me. He doesn't want me. My body is hot with embarrassment.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that" Harry shakes his head, resting it in his hands.
"It's ok" I mumble but it must fall on deaf ears because he doesn't respond.
After a beat he pushes himself off the couch and avoiding eye contact, he tells me he should go.
"Ok, when will I see you again?" I ask pathetically. I hope he assumes my question is for baby related purposes and not some needy, clingy wannabe girlfriend purpose.
"I'm due back on the 28th. But I want you to promise me you'll phone me, no matter the time of day, if anything happens" He finally looks at me and fixes me with one of his intense stares.
"Ok, I promise" I acquiesce. I follow him as he heads for the door. I wish I had a cardigan or something to cover myself up with. I feel like I'm baring way to much flesh and I'm pretty sure if I looked, I would see my nipples through my t-shirt and bra. That's was a quick make-out session will do to you when you're as sexually deprived as me.
"Ok" Harry opens the door and turns to face me as he stands in the doorway. The cold, bitter air biting at my skin. I hold on to the door as we stand staring at each other.
"I'll see you soon" Harry mumbles as he takes a step forward and places a long kiss against my forehead. I take a deep breath, committing his heavenly scent to memory.
"Bye Harry" I sigh as he turns around and disappears out of my life for the longest 3 weeks.