The loose doorknob jingled as someone twisted it from the hallway, startling me awake. The unfamiliar white ceiling of the guest room greeted me. I sat up in the bed and ran my fingers through my dark hair with a yawn. The door creaked when Alexis opened it and poked her head through the doorway.
"Ally, are you awake yet?" She asked.
A smile spread across my lips as I stretched my legs out beneath the covers. "Yeah, I'm awake." I patted the mattress beside me. "What's up?"
Alexis grinned as she squeezed into the room and shut the door. She hurried over to the bed and climbed onto the mattress. "Do you want to help Momma and I cook breakfast? All the boys are still asleep." She rolled her eyes and shrugged.
"Yeah, I can do that. Thanks for asking me."
"No thanks necessary. You're part of the family now, Ally." She squeezed my arm before sliding back off the bed. "Maybe after breakfast, I can show you all my inventions."
"I'd love that." I slipped from the bed and grabbed my sweats from my bag on the floor, pulling them on over my shorts.
Alexis grinned before exiting the room and disappearing down the hallway. I tucked my hair behind my ears and grabbed my purple toiletries pouch from my bag on the floor. Too bad I couldn't wake up to Daxson. My desperate attempts to 'seduce' him last night had failed miserably.
I crossed the hallway from the guest room to the small bathroom and set my pouch down on the counter. He'd said we'd go to hell if we slept in the same bed before marriage in a pastor's house. My lips twitched into a smile at the memory of him standing in front of me with a grin. I splashed some water onto my face and stared into the mirror. I can't even remember the last time I was this happy. This confident. My fingers played with the ends of my hair where the red highlights were visible. It was nice to have control over my life again. I opened my mouth to analyze my teeth, which had whitened without the constant vomiting. Who knew life could be so imperfect and it still be okay?
After brushing my teeth, I made my way into the kitchen where Alexis and her mother were bent over the counter mixing dough in a glass bowl.
"Good-morning, Allyson. Did you sleep well?" Jasmine asked as she flipped the bowl over and spread the dough on some wax paper that covered the table.
I smiled as I stepped over to the table and took a seat in front of them. "I slept great. Thanks for letting me crash in the guest room."
"You're welcome to stay here anytime." She unscrewed the lid to a mason jar and handed it to me.
I started to push the lid onto the dough and create perfectly rounded biscuits.
Jasmine laughed as she pressed her lid into the dough as well. "Who taught you how to make biscuits from scratch?"
I pushed a few of my biscuits to the edge of the wax paper. "It was my grandmother. She loved to cook. Every morning she would make my grandpa breakfast before he left for the fields. She also put together a cook book for her church with all her famous recipes."
"Did she teach you all her recipes?" Alexis asked as she played with the extra pieces of dough.
"She tried to teach me most of them, but she passed away when I was twelve to cancer." I gave a weak smile.
Jasmine picked up the biscuits and placed them into a greased baking sheet. "I'm sorry for your loss. Cancer is such a deadly disease."
Alexis nodded as she spread the dough back out on the wax paper. "What about your mom? Did she teach you recipes?"
"She taught me a couple. Blueberry pie, pecan pie, and homemade gravy are her favorite things to cook." I pushed the mason jar into the dough before removing my fingers to let Alexis take over.
"When do we get to meet her?" Alexis tilted her head to the side and raised her eyebrows.
My throat tightened. I couldn't tell her the truthâ the fact she'd never meet my mother because her skin was the wrong color. Nervously, I tucked my hair behind my ears and picked at my nails. Come on, you're good at pretending. You did it for half your life.
"I hope you get to meet her soon. Your brother and I are exploring our relationship a little more every day. I got lucky enough to meet you guys first." I smiled when Alexis' eyes sparkled like Caleb's always did when I told him good news.
Jasmine slid the pan of biscuits into the oven and tossed the potholders onto the counter. "Well, I'm sure she's a wonderful woman. She raised an intelligent, well-mannered child." She smiled as she patted the top of Alexis' head.
Alexis nodded with a wide smile on her face. "She actually raised two, Momma. Don't forget about Caleb." She pushed away from the table and hurried over to the counter to grab a stack of papers.
Jasmine and I watched her as she skipped back over to the table and handed me the papers. "This is for your brother. I think he has a really good chance of getting accepted."
At the top of the paper in thick, bold letters read 'MIT Summer Camp Application.' I stared at it as my fingers curled along the edges of the papers. Caleb wouldn't be able to contain his excitement if I brought this home to him. He'd have a chance to live his dream. To travel to Massachusetts. To study among the elite despite his age and disability. It'd be a struggle to convince my mother to let him go, though.
"He has until December seventh to send the application in. Alexis was determined to give that to you," Jasmine said as she leaned against the table.
I glanced up at her. "Thanks. I'll make sure to give it to him when I go home for the Thanksgiving this week. He's going to lose his mind."
"If he needs help on his project, you can give him my number." Alexis wrote it on a sticky note and held it out to me.
I laughed as I took it from her and stuck it to the front page of the application. "I'll be sure to let him know." I opened my arms to offer Alexis a hug, but she had already lunged forward to throw her arms around my neck.
She squeezed me tight. "Can I show you some of my inventions while we wait on the biscuits to cook?"
"Oh, of course. I'm sure your mother wouldn't mind." I released Alexis and glanced up at Jasmine, who stood with a beautiful white smile on her face.
Daxson definitely inherited his mother's smile. Jasmine placed her hands on her hips and tilted her head in the direction of Alexis' room. "Go on and show her."
I smiled at Jasmine as Alexis grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hallway to the last door on the right. The wooden door looked like all the other doors in the house except for a hand-written sign that read 'No Boys Allowed' and the handle. A trail of wires connected to a small keypad that was secured to the door by duck tape. Alexus pushed in a code before she turned the handle and it opened.
"Did you make that? I feel like I'm stepping into a sci-fi movie." I laughed as I stepped into her room behind her, tucking the MIT application beneath my arm.
Alexis flicked the lights on and nodded. "Yeah, I was tired of Malik coming in and stealing all my batteries for his video games."
She led me over to a table in the corner that appeared to be her workspace. "These are my best inventions, the ones that I think will actually be something one day once I have better access to parts."
"This is amazing. How did you learn to do all of this?" My eyes wandered over the table in awe of the little remotes and robots that littered it.
Alexis shrugged beside me as she folded her arms across her chest. "Not really sure. I watched a lot of YouTube videos and movies like Transformers, but I just always had a knack for putting things together. My Momma told me that Dad was good with cars and computers. He was the first pastor in the area to set up a projector to add visuals to his sermons. He had me help him set it up. So, maybe I got it from him."
"You miss your dad a lot, don't you?"
Alexis dug her foot into the carpet. "I always feel guilty."
I knelt down next to her and brushed my hair behind my ears. "Why?"
"Well, I was only seven when it happened. I never got to really spend a lot of time with him like my brothers did." She looked at me with a sad smile. "So, I always feel guilty because I don't miss him as much as they do. I hate to see them so sad about it."
I touched her arm and rubbed it gently. "Alexis, they aren't going to be mad at you for not being sad about it. They know it's not your fault that someone took your father from you."
Alexis thrust her arms down by her sides and curled her hands into tight fists. "But, how do I help them not be so sad, Ally? Momma cries less than she used too, but I still hear her in her bedroom sometimes. Demarcus hasn't made it easier on her because he's started acting up at school. He's been suspended twice this year, and Malik and I found drugs in his room."
"I know things seem bad right now, but I think it's going to get better. Daxson is going to start being around more often for you guys. He's finishing up school this year and hopefully getting drafted into the NFL. He wants to help your Momma build a new house, and I think your mom will feel a little better having him around instead of having to work so hard to do everything herself." I ran my hand down her arm to squeeze her hand.
"Have you ever gone through something bad?" Her brown eyes sparkled as she studied my face.
I nodded and cleared my throat. "Yeah, actually I have."
"What was it?"
I picked at my nails. "I used to be pretty sick before I went to college. I felt guilty about something just like you do. It'd get so bad that I'd make myself sick."
"What did you feel guilty about?" She questioned.
"I felt like I'd never be good enough for my family."
Alexis pulled her hand from mine and rested it on my shoulder. "Then they don't know what good is, Ally. You seem perfect to me, just like the big sister I never had."
Tears pooled along the edges of my lashes forcing me to wipe them away. "You're the sweetest little girl."
"I hope you and Daxson stay together forever." Alexis smiled at me.
I stood up. "I hope so too." A smile formed on my lips as I held my hand out to her. "Let's go see how those biscuits are doing."
When we returned to the kitchen, Jasmine was sitting at the kitchen table with stacks of scrap books scattered around her. She looked up with a warm smile.
"I tried to pull out some of the family photos for you, Allyson. You know as the Momma, I have to show you all the embarrassing photos of Daxson." She held up one of the books to show off a page filled with baby photos.
I stepped over to the table and took the book from her, running my fingers along the laminated page and stopping on a baby picture of Daxson in his parent's arms. Jasmine was in the hospital bed with a tired look in her eyes, but that didn't keep her bright smile from her face as she wrapped her arms around Daxson. Daxson's father leaned over the bed next to her to place his hand on his newborn son.
"He's so cute." I ran my fingers along the next picture of him rolling a football across the floor.
Alexis jumped up and down beside me, begging for me to let her see, so I lowered the book for her. She scanned all of the pictures and giggled at one of Daxson inside the bathtub.
"He was our first little miracle. Sweetest little baby ever. He never cried and slept all night from day one." She laughed as she flipped open another book.
"I don't think the sweetness ever went away," I added as I glanced over at the photos she was looking at it.
She pointed to one. "This was our family reunion in Colorado. Demarcus broke his leg that year snow skiing."
"Daxson told me about that." I turned the page in the book in my hand until I got to pictures of Daxson in high school.
"Boys will be boys." She laughed.
One picture of Daxson with his arm tossed around a white girl with dark hair caught my attention. His pearly white smile was spread across his face as he placed a corsage around her wrist that matched the color of his tie and her dress perfectly. The girl looked up at Daxson like she had eyes for no one else; he was the only person in her world.
"Is this Jacie?" I held the book down for Jasmine to see the photo.
Jasmine took the book from me and ran her fingers along the photo to smooth it out beneath the plastic. She nodded as her bottom lip trembled. "Yes ma'am. That's our sweet little Jacie the night of their first prom together."
"It's great to have these photos. You know, to make sure these memories are never forgotten or lost." I pulled the MIT application from beneath my arm to glance at it again as I took a seat beside her at the table.
Caleb deserved the chance to make good memories too, no matter what Momma said.
The slam of the front door caused me to jump. I thought it had come off the frame from the way the noise cracked into the air. The sound of stumbling footsteps drew closer until Demarcus appeared in the doorway, a baggie black hoodie swallowing his tall frame. His bloodshot eyes focused on me across the room with a loud scoff.
"Demarcus, where have you been? You know your curfew was eleven last night," Jasmine demanded as she stood from the table.
Demarcus wandered into the kitchen with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. He reeked of cheap alcohol and something strong and earthy. "And?"
Jasmine slammed her hand onto the table. "And that means you get your ass home at eleven. You don't come home the next morning, boy." She pointed at him with a long, slender finger.
"You're only acting like we have rules around here because she's here." Demarcus' dark eyes landed on me before he shrugged. "You're never home to enforce the rules any other day."
Jasmine stared at her son like she was torn between admitting he was right and disciplining him. She seemed to be a strong spirit, but even the strongest people have weak points in their walls. Demarcus appeared to know his mother's too well.
Alexis sighed as she walked around my chair to defend her mother. "Why are you always giving her a hard time, D? She's doing the best she can without Dad. Stop being so mean all the time."
"She wouldn't have to try so hard if Dad was here, but guess what? He's gone because of Jacie and her father. I can't believe you guys still can't see that. And here we are letting another white person into our famiâ"
Jasmine tried to interrupt him. "Demarcus, that's enouâ"
Demarcus cut her off again without hesitation. "No, Mom. It's time for me to fucking talk. Nobody in this damn family learned their fucking lesson." He flipped his hood up and turned to leave the room again.
He stopped in the hallway when he came face-to-face with Daxson's tall frame. Malik squeezed past them to stand by his mother in the kitchen.
Daxson lifted his hand to pull at the collar of Demarcus' hoodie, taking a deep breath before releasing him. "You smell like a mess, D."
Demarcus jerked away from him. "Don't fucking touch me, bro."
"What are you going to do about it, huh? You going to hit me? Would that make you feel better about all this?" Daxson asked, antagonizing him. "Come on, man. Don't be all talk and no bite."
"Why don't you just take your little white girl and get the fuck away from here. Isn't that what you wanted this whole time?" Demarcus glared at Daxson before shoving past him.
"D," Daxson called, but the front door slammed closed.
"I'll talk to him, Daxson. He's been acting like this for a while now." Jasmine sighed as she folded her arms across her chest.
I stood from the table and tightened my grip around the MIT application. "Actually, I think I should talk to him."
Daxson raised an eyebrow and shook his head. "He won't talk to you, Ally. He's mad at you because he's mad at me."
"Well, I can at least try. That never hurts, right?" I asked as I crossed the room to stand in front of him. My fingers traced along the front of his shirt as my palm rested flat against his stomach.
Daxson studied my face. "Right, but I really don't think you shouâ"
I held my hand up between us to cut him off. "I've got this, okay? He blames you for this, but he also blames Jacie, and she's not here to defend herself. But I am. To him, I'm a representation of her." I slid the application papers into his hand.
Without giving him another chance to stop me, I hurried up the hall and out the front door. The wooden porch creaked beneath my feet as I stepped forward and glanced around for Demarcus. The wind chimes clanged together in an unpleasant melody as the wind whipped through the thin white rails surrounding the porch and blasted my sweatpants against the skin on my legs.
Daxson's black truck was parked in the tall grass that grew in their yard next to his mother and oldest brother's cars. My fingers grasped onto the brittle peeling wood column at the edge of the porch. They'd done a lot to make it look nice, but just like my house back home, the southern sun wore it down every summer. Certain places on the ceiling looked like they could cave in with even the slightest addition of weight. A bird could cause massive damage. Daxson told me last night that they moved into the old house after their first one burnt down. They'd had no options but to rely on the kindness of the community, and this house had been given to them by a member of their church.
Demarcus paced beside his car as he puffed on a cigarette. When he turned to face me, he stopped in his tracks. "What the hell do you want?" He growled.
I stepped off the porch and walked toward him with a nauseating-feeling in the pit of my stomach. Who did I think I was out here trying to talk to him? What exactly do I know about Demarcus except for the fact he's Daxson's brother?
"I just want to talk to you, Demarcus." I came to a stop a few feet in front of him.
He threw his cigarette down and smashed it into the ground with his foot. A billow of smoke rolled from his lips and disappeared into the gray sky above us. "Ha, you funny if you think I'm going to talk to you, white girl. You just like the rest of them."
"You're right, one-hundred percent right." I held my arms up and glanced at my pale skin. "I'm white just like the rest of them, and you know; there's absolutely nothing I can do about that."
He stared at me with his eyebrows pressed together and lips pursed in a line. "Exactly, I know I'm right. I'm not about to let someone else like you get close to me or my family again. We lost everything."
"You did lose a lot. Everyone lost something."
"But it didn't have to be like that. Daxson didn't have to bring Jacie into our home. He knew about the racist families in our town. I mean damn, we grew up here our whole lives. We had friends tell us about being threatened for talking to white girls and arrested for harassment. My parents didn't have to allow it without thinking about the consequences. It just allowed something evil to sneak into our lives." His hands curled into fists.
"I get that you're mad. I get it. I've been mad before too, but it doesn't help. Being mad at Daxson for loving someone isn't going to turn back time. Treating your mother like it's her fault isn't going to give you a do-over, Demarcus. All you're doing by acting this way is pushing away the people who still love you." I pointed back at the house as I stared him down. "No matter what happens or who you decide to be, those people inside that house are going to care about you. You need to stop treating them like they're a problem."
Demarcus shifted his weight as he kicked up some of the gravel in the driveway. "I can still be mad at Jacie's father. How could he kill her? His own daughter? All because she loved Daxson, and he's black." His voice dropped so low that I barely heard him. "I'm scared of how many people still think like that."
"People are afraid of change, afraid of not being in control and that fear tells their mind to be hateful. It blinds them, in a way. Some people, like Jacie's father, let it take them too far, you have a right to be mad about that."
"I feel like there's a but coming, white girl." His hands dug into the pockets of his hoodie.
With a soft humor to his deep tone, the phrase 'white girl' seemed to turn from an insult to a term of endearment. I couldn't contain a smile as I looked up at him.
"But, you can't be mad at every white person because you think they'll be like those hateful people. Sometimes they will be, but sometimes they won't be. There are good people out there. You don't want to shut yourself off from them. Daxson learned that lesson with some help from a therapist."
"You trynna say I need a therapist?" Demarcus asked with a threatening undertone as he stepped closer to me.
I shook my head as I watched him. "Not at all. Everyone heals differently. I'm just trying to make sure you know that only your family is going to help you move past this because they feel the same pain you do. Daxson, I know feels guilty about everything. He feels like it's his fault that you've turned out to be like this, because he broke the family. It's part of the reason he's stayed away for so long."
"You really love him, don't you?"
I raised my eyebrows. "Excuse me?"
He had an odd sort of sputtering laugh. "I asked if you loved him: my brother."
"Why does that matter?" I asked as my hair blew around my face.
Demarcus came to a stop in front of me. "It doesn't matter. I was just asking a question because I could hear it in the way you talk about him."
He picked up on stuff pretty quickly. Was I that obvious?
"Is that a bad thing?"
Demarcus chuckled. "Only if you never admit it." He walked past me with a small smile. "Don't get it twisted. I still don't like you, white girl."
"You don't have to like me. Just know I'm here because I care about your brother, and I'd never hurt your family. Remember that, and we're cool," I said as he passed me.
"You keep all this a secret between us. Then, we cool." Demarcus stopped to look back at me in the driveway.
"Deal."
Demarcus turned his back on me and headed into the house, leaving me standing alone in the gravel driveway. The small house sat on a small plot of land in the middle of an expanse of farming fields. Dark clouds rolled across the sky in the distance as I inhaled a breath of fresh air. The smell of rain settled around me.
"How'd it go?"
Daxson's voice tore my eyes from the landscape. His blonde curls stuck out from beneath the thin hood of a rain jacket as he walked toward me with another jacket in his hand. He held it out to me.
"It was fine," I said, taking the jacket from his outstretched hand.
Daxson nodded. "He didn't shoulder check me on the way out, so it seemed to be more than fine." His golden eyes watched me as I pulled the jacket over my shirt.
"Let's just say I think he's going to start working on himself." I smiled at him.
The warm look in his eyes accompanied by the gentle touch of his fingers to my cheek made me shiver.
"You've truly amazed me from day one. You're so selfless, Ally. You put everyone else's problems above your own every time." He brought my face closer until our foreheads touched.
I closed my eyes with shaky breaths that matched his. "Thank you," I said in barely more than a whisper.
"For what?" He replied, his voice deep and husky.
"For being you." My voice wavered, exhilarated from the tension between us. "You've given me the courage to reach for my dreams again. To be able to stand up to my mother next week. To give Caleb a chance at something different."
He tilted his head down until our lips brushed against each other.
My hands curled into his shirt as I pulled him against me. I broke the kiss with a few shaky breaths as our noses brushed against each other. "Dax, I've never wanted someone like I want you. I trust you to take care of me."
With a few quick steps, he pushed my back against the cool metal of his truck. His lips worked their way down my neck to my collar bone and his strong hands pushed the jacket off my shoulders before moving beneath my T-shirt and drawing soft lines with his fingertips. His dark gaze lowered further as if he was undressing me with his eyes, imagining every piece of me beneath my clothing.
He focused back on my face with a teasing grin. "We might not go to Hell because we aren't inside the pastor's house, but we'd still be stopped at Heaven's gates."
"I guess we'll just wait until marriage." I smiled back.
He chuckled. "Or until the time is right."
A drop of rain fell against my cheek and forced us both to look up at the gray sky. Another one fell against Daxson's forehead before the sky gave way to a downpour. He opened the back door to his truck and we climbed inside to escape the storm.
I laughed as I gathered my wet hair to one side of my face. "We always end up stuck in the rain."
"I'd rather it rain than have a drought. You know, I love it wet."
His words brought a flush of red to my cheeks along with a smile. "We used to go mudding back home when things got wet. The dirtier, the better."
Daxson's eyes glinted with mischief as his warm hand rested against my inner thigh. "I don't think you know dirty, Ally." He grinned at me before climbing between the front seats to settle into the driver's seat, patting the passenger's seat. "Just wait until I'm finished with you."
I climbed into the front seat next to him with a smile. The truck roared to life when Daxson turned the key. The rain slowed to a soft pitter pattern against the metal roof.
"You're such a tease." I bit my bottom lip as he turned the truck in the direction of the muddy field behind his house.
"No, I just have a lot of self-control." He grinned as he jerked the shift into four-wheel drive.
Daxson pressed down on the accelerator with his foot and turned the wheel sharply once we hit the field, sending mud flying into the air behind the truck. I squealed as the tires spun beneath us in their desperate attempt to find some sort of traction. He laughed before pressing the gas and digging ruts deeper into the mud.
My hand grasped onto his as laughter filled the cab of his dirty truck. Dark wads of mud stuck to the windshield and made it hard to see, but that didn't stop Daxson from spinning out in the muddy field.
I tried to ignore the fact that this time next week I'd be back home with my parents for Thanksgiving without him. He'd be miles away playing in the tensest rivalry in the country; the Iron Bowl. Daxson wouldn't be there to make everything better for me, and I had to be okay with that.
Because it was about time I stood up for myself.