Ch.54
Yoongi's P.O.V.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It's been years since I've been here. It hasn't been more than five years, but still. I never thought I'd come back to this dump. Scrunching up my nose, I looked at the place in utter digust. The only thoughts I allowed myself to only feel hatred as I stepped onto the lot. Nothing but anger and hate. Sadness was not welcomed at all. There would be none of that today. It took a lot out of me to show up here. Why did I have to come here? Couldn't I have just met him somewhere else? I didn't want to risk the chance of seeing him. Then I'll really go to prison.
That's why I was going to avoid seeing that specific trailer today. I came here to see someone I used to know to get that d*mn letter. It would let me know everything to get ready for the military. Just the idea of coming here has already made the process unpleasant. This is where I grew up. In a pile of trash with a giant rat taking 'care' of me and my younger brother. I still miss my brother a lot. Shaking my head, I reminded myself that sadness was not allowed today. My only job here was to find that f*cker and get the hell out of here with that letter.
But I wasn't moving. My feet stayed planted in front of the entrance for the trailer homes. Broken furniture and old toys covered the area. Children were running around in old clothes that they were outgrowing with week old mud on their skin. They continued laughing and running around, ignoring an adult who was yelling at them to quiet down. One family was grilling meat that they had probably worked their @sses off for. No one here had a lot of money. They all struggled to survive like I had once. Seeing this place was already giving me thousands of memories that I wished everday would disappear. I feel like I'd be much happier forgetting this portion of my life.
The only thing I'd like to remember is Jaehyuk. This still hurt a lot more than I thought it would. Letting out a chuckle, I felt pathetic. It took me forever to get myself to leave the warehouse. I talked to myself for what felt like hours to convince myself. Now I've arrived and I can't even get one foot in. Using all my strength, I forced myself to start walking into the area. Kids stopped chasing each other once I walked in their path. Some adults scoffed to see me back and I wasn't furious to get that reaction. My blood wasn't boiling, but my heart was racing. This isn't worth no d*mn letter! I'm gonna turn back right now.
As that thought came in my head, I heard a couple familiar voices in the background. It made me look around to spot people I used to hang out with. There were people I've fought, others I cheated, and controlled. They eyed me like I was a piece of meat. My feet began moving in the direction where I remembered the trailer of the old acquaintance. Looks like I won't be leaving just yet. I kept hearing them all talk behind my back since I showed my face here again. They all sounded like they were taunting me. The only good thing so far was the fact that no one has bothered to follow me or pick a fight. My boots left deep prints in the mud as I made my way to that old friend with the letter.
His name is Taejoon and he typically hooked people up with illegal jobs. I met him when I was eight and he basically prepared me to live like a thug. My first deal was when I was thirteen and I that's how I took care of myself. By growing tough skin, earning money, and making sure that Jaehyuk had less bruises than me. Taejoon found interest in me when he heard about this kid being called the embodiment of the devil. That was always amusing to hear. I didn't get along with other kids and often beat the sh*t out of them. We would fight over candy or anything. If some kid earned money from selling something in the street, I stole it for myself. Taejoon was sixteen when he first met me and decided to teach me the ropes in the criminal world. Who to work with and who to avoid. How to get money and how to survive.
I still remember the day I beat up a group of kids for no reason. They all went crying inside their trailers. Scrambling around and falling into the mud after I was done with them. It was starting to rain as I tried to wipe some mud off my face. Then I saw a tall shadow hovering over me. I knew it couldn't be another kid ready to fight back. My heart was racing since I strongly believed it was the monster. He was angry to see me outside and he was going to hurt me. When I turned around though, it was just some teen who looked awestruck. He bent down to my level and told me that I just had to become his apprentice. 'I could teach you a lot!' he said with a giant stupid grin on his face. So I listened to him.
All valuable information. Even though I've known him for a long time, calling him a friend was weird. Acquaintance fit better, but that word wasn't really accurate for us either. My hands were deep in my pockets as I saw smoke coming from a home in the far back. There he is. He always had the habit of setting things on fire. Trudging over there, I took in a deep breath as I came closer. We'll just have a quick chat and I'll go on my way back to the warehouse. Then I'll finally never return to this sh*t hole ever again for the rest of my life. It's worse than I remember. Not a single fond memory remains here. The only bright thing here was taken away from me.
I arrived at Taejoon's trailer home and he hasn't changed a bit. He looks almost the same. A tall male with the worst choice in hair cuts. He sat in his broken lawn chair, laughing at the tall fire that was getting too close to him. That idiot never learns. Last time he started a huge fire, he burned half of his trailer and it gave his mom a heart attack. Taejoon didn't really care though so it doesn't matter too much. Besides, it wasn't my problem if he burned his whole family alive. The only thing that bothers me is that he's still stupid at twenty-six. He once asked me if I wanted my brother to join the criminal life and I told him no. It kind of pissed him off, but I didn't care. That's why I don't consider this guy a brother like the gang members.
Taejoon watched the fire in awe. Shaking my head, I went over to kick his lawn chair over. The brunette fell right over to land face first into the ground. At least that was funny to see. Now that he wasn't tossing things into the fire, it became a little smaller. It used to be as tall as me, but now it was at shoulder height. Hearing a growl from the male, he lifted his face up from the gravel to glare at me. He was just upset that his fire was getting smaller. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure there was no one else around. Good, just had to check on my suspicions.
"The hell!?" Taejoon kicked gravel towards me.
"The letter, f*ck face. Where is it?" I narrowed my eyes on him. That's when something clicked with the guy.
"No way...Gloss, is that you!?" Taejoon jumped onto his feet. He dusted himself off and grinned at me. "I could hardly recognize you with the light blue hair."
"I don't go by Gloss anymore." I sighed. "It's Suga now."
"Right, right." Taejoon nodded his head. "Wow, it's like white hair you was here just yesterday with bruises from all kinds of things. How's things going with that gang you joined?"
"I'm not hear to chat." I crossed my arms as he put his lawn chair back up.
"Sit with me, Yoongi-ya. Then I'll give you the letter." He smirked.
"Why? I want to get the f*ck out of here." I stayed standing up.
"Just have a little conversation with me. I'll let the fire die out!" Taejoon knew that would make me think about it.
No one was around so I could do about three sentences at most. If we go over the limit, then I'll just throw him to feed his precious flames. I sat down on a giant tree stump that surprisingly hasn't been lit on fire by him yet. He looked a little too happy to have me sitting down with him. I took another look around the trailer homes, but there was nothing. This side of the homes were dead silent, but it didn't stop me from being paranoid. A part of me believed that Taejoon didn't really have my letter and planned this to be a surprise ambush. Everyone wanted to attack me now that I was back.
"Relax, Yoongi." Taejoon chuckled. "You've always been so paranoid. Don't worry, your old man isn't going to hit you and the others aren't going to touch you. You're like a hated legend here."
"...I'm relaxed," I lied through my teeth. Letting out a sigh, I pretended to be calm. I was still on high alert though. "So what did you want to talk about? My gang? We're fine."
"Okay, not that social as always." Taejoon laughed.
"Only two more things or I'm getting the letter by force." I cracked my knuckles.
"Yeah, whatever. Oh! Are you actually gonna do this military thing?" Taejoon asked, trying his hardest to not touch the box of matches on the ground.
"Yes," I said, "One more thing."
"Don't give me a limit!" Taejoon huffed as I stood up.
"You're done and I'm tired." I walked over to him, grabbing his shirt. "Where is that d*mn letter already?"
"Christ, you haven't lost your touch!" Taejoon grinned. He was afraid of me even when I was just a kid, but always found me fascinating too. I was just a little project to him. Not human. At least that's how I saw it. Taejoon wouldn't hesitate to throw me under the bus if he had to and that's where I learned it from. But I've learned better now. I raised my fist that had the most rings on it to see his eyes widen quickly. "Have you visited your brothers grave!?" He panicked, closing his eyes tightly. He had one hand on the one I used to grab his shirt. Taejoon waited for the punch but never received it. My fist stayed a foot away from his face.
"No..." I let go of his shirt and pushed him back. "I haven't done that in a long time."
"I see. Well you should definitely do that." Taejoon nervously patted himself down. Then he found what he was looking for which was a slightly crumbled envelope. "Here's the letter. It'll tell you everything I told you and more. Military service sucks."
"Thanks for the insight," I grumbled, ripping the paper out of his hands. Taejoon watched me shove it into my pocket without a care. Time to leave this dump.
"Have you seen your trailer today?" Taejoon asked to get a burning glare from me.
"Not mine. It ain't sh*t to me." I turned around from him and started walking away.
Adults looked away from me and children stopped playing to see me coming by again. The aura I had around me affected everyone. It was dark and toxic from how much hatred I held in my chest for this place. For everything that existed here. The teens my age who were originally talking behind my back now had their lips shut. They couldn't bring themselves to speak anymore. I'd be ready to knock their teeth out and leave them drowning in their own blood. I don't care how gory it gets. I'm f*cking Min Suga Yoongi and I'll do what ever I f*cking want. I flipped the whole trailer park off without a care.
As soon as I left the trailer homes, I calmed down from the rage I had felt earlier. My chest was burning too much. Taking in deep breaths, I reminded myself that I had changed. The gang knows I'm not that violent anymore. I'm working on my issues but d*mn does that place really bring out the dark side in me. The gang would be disappointed in me if I let out any of my emotions on someone back there. Especially (F/n). She's worked hard on getting me to feel normal. I won't lie about that. She's certainly helped even when I told her I didn't want it. But I was thankful though. Biting my lip, I walked by a flower shop before pausing in my steps. Should I?
My gaze shifted back to the window to see all kinds of flowers. Though they were kind of stupid and died easily, they did have something special to them. I faced the flower shop and felt myself going inside to take a look around. One specific flower caught my attention. Next thing I know, I had purchased them and was walking out in another direction I hadn't gone to in a while. I didn't go because I always told myself that I had him with me all the time so I didn't feel the need to come. But as I came closer to the cemetery, I knew I only told myself that because I was too afraid to come to his grave. I knew how emotional I'd get.
The walk to the cemetery didn't take too long. My heart felt heavy as I came inside. For some reason, I was almost scared to find his grave. I looked around and walked past all the headstones with unfamiliar names. Eventually I spotted his grave and sucked in my breath. My steps were slow and tiny as I came over and knelt down in front of it. Min Jaehyuk lies here and I haven't visited him since the day of the funeral. A large wave of regret hit me instantly as I set down the flowers. Have I always been that sh*tty of a big brother? Hunching over, I tried to not let any tears slip. I'm going to be strong for Jaehyuk as always.
"Hey...I'm sorry for not coming in over two years." I frowned, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Better late than never, huh?" I chuckled looking down at my lap and awkwardly moving my fingers around.
I obviously didn't expect a response, but how badly I wanted one. Even if Jaehyuk yelled at me for not showing up all this time. I want him to yell at me and to hear his voice just once more. Was that so hard to ask? There were barely any photos of him and it's not like there's videos of him. Our 'family' wasn't sentimental enough to do that kind of stuff. I could still remember his face to the exact detail though. How exactly his voice sounded and how his hair felt. The expressions he would often make. All of it haunted me in a good way if that makes sense. They put a smile on my face but leave a giant hole in my chest as an after taste.
"I still remember the day you were left at the trailer home." My breath was becoming shaky. "I was seven at the time and you were only three. That monster found you crying in front of the door with a note that explained the situation. God, he was so pissed and almost threw you into the mud. That awful...forget about him though."
Reaching towards the tombstone, I let my fingers slide down the smooth stone. My eyes were starting to burn and I tried blinking it away. My fingers followed the engraved letters of his name. I took a good look at his grave to make sure to memorize this too. Since I'm going to the military soon, I don't know when I'll see his grave next. I'm kind of glad Taejoon brought this up. I know I'd hate myself even more if I came to visit after four years. That's something I would never forgive myself for. Already, I was bashing myself up inside for being two years late.
"You could already walk and you kept crying about your mom...but it turns out you barely even saw her when you were at home. You couldn't even remember what she looked like! You had it crappy too just like me and I made sure to watch over you. You gave me a reason not to lose myself..." My eyes were watery at this point. It was becoming painful to hold back my feelings. They were too strong and my chest was hurting. "I protected you with everything I had, but it still wasn't enough. I keep...I keep thinking 'what if' and sh*t like that, but it's too late. I imagine days where I can just hold you and tell you not to do it. Because I care so much about you! I was so mad at you and barely said a word at the funeral! I wanted to scream at you, but all I could do was cry!"
It was all out in the open. I fell over his tomb, sobbing uncontrollably as I let out all the built-up emotions. It didn't matter to me if others were around. This was a private moment between us as brothers. We have a bond even if you're no longer here. I hate acting like you're not here because it just makes it more real, but I have to let go. That doesn't mean forget you. No, I could never do that as hard as I had once tried. But I need to move on in a healthy way. The members know about you, but not who you are. I wish there were others who knew you and were there for you too. That monster made sure we barely left the trailer for anything and you were too afraid to make friends. All you had was me and I hurt for months thinking I wasn't enough. How could I be? He was hurting more than I could ever imagine. I'm not a saint to keep him living.
"J-Jaehyuk...we're brothers no matter what anyone says. And I wish you could've met the gang. They would've loved you and appreciated you as much as I do." I sniffled loudly. "I'm sorry I didn't see the signs. The things you were doing that were basically a cry for help. No, Yoongi hyung was too busy living the criminal life and enjoying the adrenaline. The money and the drugs!"
Pounding my fist against the grass, I didn't care if I hurt my hand. I kept pounding the ground until my knuckles were aching. Frustration hit me to know I wasn't ever over my brother's suicide. Will I ever be? All I did was bury everything through an unemotional expression. That didn't help with anything. My whole body was shaking as I screamed softly at his grave. There was a lot of anger, confusion, and sadness in my voice, but it was soft. As if I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I didn't know if Jaehyuk was in a better place or not. Either away from an abusive home or lost in darkness. Was there even a difference? I hated thinking about that.
"...I just miss you so much. No amount of a-apologies could ever bring you back o-or...I don't know. I want to go back in time to hug you. Rethink the things I've said to you. Let you know that you are loved and that it gets better. It really does!" I bit my lip hard before taking in a deep breath. "I never thought t-that I would ever have friends. Friends like Namjoon, Seokjin, Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook. (F/n) even. Someone like me has actual people that care about me. I think why me instead of you? But I can't keep asking these questions, but little things remind me of you. You've left me with a life ton of memories despite cutting yours short. You weren't even done with primary school and you ended it all at twelve years old. Do you know how f*cking young that is!? DO YOU!? JAEHYUK."
Please answer me. Talk to me. Something. Sitting here in this graveyard made me feel so lonely. When people said they felt their loved ones from beyond, I always think they're crazy. How come I never feel you? Do you not want to talk to me? Sometimes I wonder if I was a part of the reason you took your own life, Jaehyuk. These are the questions you left me with. Killing yourself doesn't end all your problems but passes them on. It's left me broken, but I didn't want to blame Jaehyuk. It hurt too much to do so since he's already been through enough. My tears kept rushing out as I shouted at my brother. I wanted him to know how I felt despite not knowing how he did. I only knew things from my perspective and I hated that.
"I remember the day you did it to the exact detail. How the air felt, the clothes I wore and how you smiled at me before I left for the day. You were so happy that day. It wasn't anything too strange but...I wish I could've been someone you had talked to." I sighed heavily. "I couldn't continue staying with that monster, so I left to a park. Then to the warehouse where we could have lived together. Imagine that. I have to stop the 'could have been' thoughts though. It's just hard to think that one second you were laughing, filled with real joy to the point your stomach hurt and then you just became lifeless. It's hard to accept. I can't bring you back to life...but I can always love you and remember you."
Wiping the tears on my face, my mind couldn't help going back to the day he did it. He showed so many signs and I ignored them. They weren't so obvious to me. Tightening up my hands into fists, I tried calming myself down from all the crying. Coming here reminded me of the dream I once had in the warehouse. The dream wasn't completely accurate to what had happened. I didn't suddenly wake up in the trailer to find Jaehyuk dead. No, I had been out that day it happened. I was beat by that monster and promised to protect Jaehyuk and I also was pulled away from holding his dead body. Those parts were true memories. Even the monster beating me with no mercy in front of my dead brother...
*~*
Jaehyuk was moving around the trailer with a serious expression. What's his deal? I was sitting down on on a seat with my feet on the table, playing a video game as he took out a bag. It was hard to focus on the game now. Putting it on pause, I smiled to watch the little guy go. For some reason he was cleaning up our side of the trailer home. It didn't matter if this place was tidy or not. The monster didn't care if we lived in a pig sty or not. As long as we didn't bother him, we're fine. For the most part. Setting down the console I had stolen a few months ago, Jaehyuk notices me staring at him with amusement.
"What?" He asked.
"Why are you cleaning?" I raised a brow.
"Why not?" He frowned.
"Kind of pointless isn't it?" I teased to see his grip tighten on the trash bag.
"No, it's not!" He shouted and I was stunned for a bit. Removing my feet from the table, I adjusted myself to sit properly in my chair.
"Sorry...I didn't mean it in a bad way," I said as he sighed. "You know I'd never hurt you on purpose, Jae."
"I know...sorry, I just can't stand the mess anymore." Jaehyuk loosened his grip on the bag.
He continued shoving trash inside and the place was certainly looking better. Maybe we should make more attempts to clean our side up. It'll make it more bearable after all. I watched him without saying a word as he went around. He did jokingly tease me back by saying my hair looked like a used napkin he had found. Dying my hair white wasn't supposed to make me look like a dirty old napkin. At least this boy has humor though. I ruffled up his hair to give him a piece of my mind. We laughed as much as we wanted to. The monster wasn't in the trailer so we weren't going to get yelled at by him or hit for stupid reasons. That's when Jaehyuk picked up a figurine he had won at a school raffle. It's his favorite thing, but he was handing it over to me without a care.
"Why are you giving this to me?" I tilted my head as he shrugged. "Isn't this your favorite toy?"
"I'm getting too old for toys. I think you'll like it though." Jaehyuk smiled. "Take care of it."
"If you care about it then why don't you keep it?" I furrowed my brows. "Are kids in your class making fun of you for having toys? Because I'll beat them up for you."
"No, that's not it." Jaehyuk shook his head. "Trust me. And can you take care of the fishes too from now on?"
"Huh? I forget we even have those things." I glanced at the tank. "You should continue taking care of them. They teach you responisblity which is helpful for the future."
"Right...well, just keep the figurine then," Jaehyuk mumbled.
"Okay...but I'm going to be very suspicious about the kids in your grade." I crossed my arms.
"They're innocent, hyung!" Jaehyuk shook his head with a grin.
"I'll beat their @sses. That's a promise." I smirked. "I know kids in your grade were dying to win this thing."
"No thanks, hyung, but thanks." Jaehyuk chuckled, everything about him becoming softer. "Just keep it, okay?"
"Fine." I placed the figurine in front of me. I had no idea what I was going to do with it though.
Whatever, Jaehyuk might want it back in a day or two. I'll just keep watch over it. Jaehyuk picked up everything he could. He looked around the trailer home one more time and nodded to himself. When he started tying up the bag, I heard the neighbors dog barking loudly. That meant he was coming back early today. Standing up from my seat, I took the bag out of Jaehyuk's hands. Knowing him, he'd probably want to throw the trash out. We can't do that now that the monster is back. Jaehyuk looked at me in confusion as I raised it high up in the air. He thought I was doing it to be mean and jumped up to tug the bag down.
"You're going to rip the bag and make a mess again!" I whispered through gritted teeth. The door was getting opened.
"Give it back! I have to throw the trash away!" Jaehyuk bounced up and down. The monster came inside and was going to ignore us, but we kept making noise. "Hyung, please!"
"Jaehyuk, later!" I whispered harshly. This was for his own good, but he didn't know the monster had arrived.
"I need to throw away the trash! Why won't you give it?" Jaehyuk cried out like this was the worst thing I was doing for him. What's his deal lately?
We usually get along with out any bumps, but he's been acting pretty weird for a while. It didn't make sense to me. Maybe puberty was getting to him or something. Hearing an annoyed groan, Jaehyuk stopped jumping around and I lowered down the trash bag. Crap. I didn't want us to get hurt today. The monster showed himself in our side of the trailer home. He glared at us after a day of essentially doing nothing. Jaehyuk tried smiling at him in hopes that would calm him down. It wouldn't work. I knew that would do nothing and my blood was starting to boil just seeing his face.
"What's with all the f*cking noise!?" He shouted.
"We were just playing around, Appa." Jaehyuk looked down as he snatched the garbage bag away from me. "I'm gonna do throw away the trash now."
My hands balled up into fists as he walked towards the front door. Though I loved my brother a lot, that was a stupid mistake. The monster scoffed and slammed his small body against the wall. I ran over and kicked the trash bag out of the way to defend Jaehyuk. Immediately, Jaehyuk was fell to the floor and the monster roughly grabbed my throat. He didn't care about my gasps about air and forced me onto the ground. He treated me like a rabid dog as I hit the ground and coughed for air. Jaehyuk was breathing heavily with huge eyes to see me struggling to get up. Hell no, I have to get a few hits on the monster. I don't care if he breaks my nose. As long as I get a scratch on him!
"Hyung!" Jaehyuk screamed as I began fighting the monster.
He was bigger than me, but he didn't expect this sudden attack. He fell backwards as I pounded my fist against his face. Eventually, my hands wrapped themselves around his neck. I'm going to do it now. I'm going to kill him once and for all. Everything has led to this moment. Jaehyuk and I will finally be safe. Free. The money from the deals with be enough to live on our own. I'll take care of him and this will all be over with. Jaehyuk shivered in the corner to see how blinded I was with insanity. The monster growled as I laughed in his face. He grabbed my wrists and threw me off of him. I hit my back against the chair and grunted. Why can't I ever finish the job!?
"Getting cocky, huh?" He wiped the saliva off his chin.
"Don't kill each other," Jaehyuk pleaded to get a sharp glare from the guy he still called 'Appa'.
"You're nothing but pathetic and weak!" The monster yelled. "The both of you know the rules. You stay inside this trailer or you never come back here again. You little sh*ts should be grateful you have a place to stay and that you're not dead on the streets. Nothing but burdens!"
"Why should we be grateful when all you f*cking do is hit us? Crazy b*tch." I growled.
"You know, at least Jaehyuk takes it without opening his mouth." The monster turned around to reach for something. He slowly showed what he was hiding in his hand. I almost stopped breathing to see the shine on the metal when the light hit it. The monster stared at the knife, flipping it around as if he was examining it. "Speechless now? Does that mean I won't have to cut out those f*cking vocal chords of yours?"
"No..." Jaehyuk shook his head nervously. We've been burnt and had objects used to hurt us, but never an actual weapon that could kill us. Just seeing him threaten me with one was infuriating. Does he actually think I'll let him kill me? Not a chance.
"Try it, you sick b*st*rd." I spit at his feet.
He was fuming at this point as he took a step forward towards me. He hated the smirk on my face. Waiting for him to pounce, I kept a good eye on the monster. Except he didn't lunge at me. He leaped towards Jaehyuk instead and cut his sleeve open. Hearing his scream made my skin go white. Stab me. Cut me. NOT HIM. Getting up onto my feet, I battled with the monster to take the knife out of his hands. We were both trying to grip the handle, but I knew it was pointless so I grabbed the blade. Ignoring the fact that my own blood was getting onto the steel. The knife was now in my possession as the monster only chuckled. Jaehyuk was panicking to see cut on him bleeding. All the monster did at that point was grab a handful of my hair and throw me head first into the wall.
"That'll be enough for today." He left our side of the home as he reminded us of the rule. No leaving the trailer or don't come back at all. We snuck out anyway, using the window on our side when we needed too. We'll never listen to him.
Groaning at the throbbing pain in my head, I had dropped the knife on the ground when I was tossed. My body slid to the ground. Jaehyuk was trembling after this experience. It's the worst one yet. He's never wanted to leave us dead before. He always tells us how lucky we are to be alive instead. But I doubted his words held any truth when he threatened to take my vocal chords out. He wouldn't kill one of us. That's why he only cut Jaehyuk's shoulder. Rubbing my head, I crawled over to Jaehyuk who was beginning to cry. He never liked the sight of blood and was hurting from the quick round we went through.
"I don't think I can go through this any longer, Hyung..." Jaehyuk struggled to get his words out as I viewed the cut. His short sleeve was ripped too. It wasn't deep, so it should heal soon.
"I hate this too." I sighed, finding something to clean his wound up. He flinched slightly when I did. He stopped crying as much as I looked him in the eyes. "You will always have me though. I'll protect you from that monster."
"But don't...don't kill, Appa." Jaehyuk's bottom lip quivered.
"Stop calling him that!" I hissed.
"But that's what he is!" Jaehyuk hung his head down as he stared at the knife on the ground. He didn't speak for a long time. "He tried to kill me with that?"
"No, just hurt you to annoy me. He didn't hit anywhere important though. It's not even that deep too," I stated.
"I see..." Jaehyuk took in a deep breath. "A-And you don't hate the sight of blood?"
"A little blood doesn't frighten me." I chuckled, ruffling his hair. We were like polar opposites, but we were everything to each other. "I'm used to it."
"Okay." Jaehyuk nodded his head as I picked up the knife.
Time to hide this thing from plain sight. There's no way I'm leaving it out in the open again for him to use against us. Jaehyuk watched me stand up, flipping the knife as I took a look around the trailer. Now that most of our trash was cleaned up, I had to be creative. Hearing the sound of the fish tank, I smirked while Jaehyuk raised a brow. I told him the reason for hiding the knife and he immediately hated the idea of me putting it inside the fish tank. Where else then? If I throw it out then kids are going to end up killing each other by accident.
"In the fish tank." I walked over as he put his hand on my foot.
"Behind it!" Jaehyuk frowned.
"What's the difference?" I asked.
"Just leave it there." Jaehyuk stared at me with big eyes.
That alone did the trick and I gave in. Letting out a sigh, I slid the knife behind the fish tank. There. Now the job was done. Jaehyuk smiled at me as I helped him get up. I ignored any pain I felt and made sure he was okay. Checking the new marks on his body and making sure he wasn't crying anymore. Only then could we call it a night. I had a big day tomorrow. A deal was going down so I was getting paid, but it was going to be tough. Good thing the big bad wolf didn't hurt me too much. My shoulder still hurt from the time he dislocated it. That was less than three days ago. The night was coming so Jaehyuk got ready for bed. After he fell asleep, it was my turn.
Jaehyuk never knew how twisted the man he called 'Appa' could be. Sure, he was beat by him constantly just like me. Except there was some kind of torture the monster enjoyed getting from me at night that he never did with Jaehyuk. Mainly because I wouldn't let him. He forced me to do random tasks at whatever time and then force me to sleep. I had to be alert on thirty minutes of sleep sometimes to make sure he didn't urt Jaehyuk. It killed me and drained my energy. My little brother was a deep sleeper. He never heard any of it or woke up from it. And I never told him I did these things for him or else it would worry him.
For example, hurting us today wasn't enough. He was bored. The monster was moving around in our side of the trailer home. It was loud and clear. It woke me up right away. Slowly lifting myself up from the couch, I look over to Jaehyuk who was sleeping soundly. He's safe. I scanned our side with tired eyes to spot a dark shadow in the corner of the room. Watching me. It used to scare the sh*t out of me when I was a kid. Now I've grown annoyed to see the monster hiding there like I couldn't see him. There was no closet or bed for him to hide. He was out in the open and enjoyed it. He walked over to me, yanking a handful of my white hair.
"You're awake. Perfect." The monster smiled at my gritted teeth. "Time to clean the bathroom mirror."
"Do it yourself." I huffed.
"Should I make someone else do it?" The monster glanced at Jaehyuk's sleeping form.
"Fine." I forced my exhausted body off the couch. He played dirty like that. Always. Every time I talked back, he didn't hesitate to bring Jaehyuk into this. He knew my weak spot.
The bathroom was near the monster's side of the trailer home. Dragging my feet over, I felt his hand push me forward. I stumbled over my feet and hit the ground hard. He doesn't care about the house being clean. The monster kicked my hand when I tried lifting myself up, only for my chin to bash the ground. That hurt like b*tch. He didn't like how slow I was at getting up. Exhaustion wasn't hitting me too hard, but I was tired. It made doing little things like getting up so much harder. I wanted to sleep. When I finally got into the bathroom, I pulled out the supplies and cleaned up the small mirror. It didn't take too long to do the job. That meant I could sleep for now, but there was another problem.
Where was the monster? He wasn't watching me to make sure I finished. My heart raced as I hurried over to Jaehyuk. Then there he was. Towering over my little brother in the dark like a creepy @ss motherf*cker. He held a pillow above Jaehyuk's head. It hovered slightly over the snoring boy. Scowling, I jumped the monster and pulled him back. The pillow fell to the ground and soon I was tossed right next to it. The monster chuckled at my attempt to be the hero. He left our side, not caring about what just happened. This was all a game for him. I wanted to be asleep, but I had to be alert. This little night game of his happened almost daily. Jaehyuk thinks I have terrible sleep habits, but this is the real reason why.
When I went back to bed, I slept for who knows how long. There were no clocks here. Plus, the blinds were always closed since the creature preferred us to never be seen by others. They knew we existed though. Everyone in this trailer park knew of us and they knew d*mn well how he treated us. But they didn't say a thing. Not a word. I hope they all rot in Hell. My sweet dreams of the people I hated suffering had to be disturbed. As if he had known I had been dreaming about him dying, the monster appeared again once more in front of my eyes. Without saying much, he forced me out of bed to do something else in protection of my brother. I cursed at him quietly, telling him it was probably one in the morning. He only smirked. I didn't know what time it actually was. My current task was to do ten push ups and then return to bed.
This went on for not much longer. The monster eventually got bored. He told me in a threatening tone that if I bother him then we'll see who gets to be the one who dies young. Seeing him and being in this situation made me want to just die. Get it over with. This isn't livable. All it was to me was torture every day. How come I've come so far? I remember thinking I would never be alive to reach high school. Now I'm about to be a first year and I only have one person who keeps me strong. Returning back to our side of the trailer, I watch Jaehyuk drooling as he slept. He moved around and made noises. How could someone be so alive even as they slept? It made me chuckle. Knowing the monster was most likely done for the night, I slept peacefully. Like a brick until the morning.
Jaehyuk was up and about. He was smiling wide as he watched the TV. A cartoon wasn't even on. He was only watching stupid commercials about cleaning supplies. Shifting around on the couch, I squint until I can get my eyes fully open. That was practically painful to do. There's no way I had more than five hours of sleep. Groaning at the sound of the TV, I tried convincing myself to get up. There was a deal going on today and I had to be there. I was saving up money to get my own place so Jaehyuk and I won't have to deal with the monster anymore. Then I also wanted some pocket money for anything I wanted. Jaehyuk turned to face me with a sparkle in his eyes.
"Get up, sleepy!" Jaehyuk laughed.
"I am." I grunted, propping myself up with my elbows. "Is there anything to eat today?"
"We ran out of food yesterday. Sorry, hyung." Jaehyuk frowned.
"It's okay. I'll just buy something at the store." I placed my feet on the ground and tried finding my shoes. "I'll try to bring as much as I can."
"Where do you even get the money, hyung?" Jaehyuk turned to me with curiosity.
"Ah...odd jobs. Don't worry about it." I found my shoes. "As long as we don't starve anymore like we used to, huh?"
"Right!" Jaehyuk grinned.
He got up onto his feet as soon as I made my way to the front door. The monster was either out like a light or somewhere in town. That meant I could use the front door but coming back was trickier. Jaehyuk knew the drill and kept the window open for me. He never locked it on purpose. Jaehyuk stood at the door while my feet made contact with the muddy ground. Trash was everywhere, the sky was grey, and people looked homeless. This has to be considered one of the seven wonders of the world. It's disgusting.
"I'll be out for a while. Don't wait up for me!" I shoved my hands in my pockets, walking backwards so I could see his grinning face. What's got him so happy about today?
"Alright, hyung! Be safe!" Jaehyuk shouted. Hearing that automatically put a smile on my face. Thanks, I'll be needing that for the deal. "I love you!"
"What?" I chuckled.
"Exactly what I said." Jaehyuk held the door, tightly gripping it. His smile was now looking tight too. "C'mon, say it back! Please, hyung?"
"Eh...maybe when I get back. I got a rep to keep, Jae." I laughed as his smile stopped showing his teeth.
"Okay...take care of yourself, Hyung." He nodded, understanding what I meant. He gave me one last wave as I went off for the day.
After leaving the trailer park, I got breakfast and checked what time it was. The deal wasn't starting until later. Good timing for me then. The deal today was with a couple people I knew. They weren't friends of mine. I've known them for a little bit and barely know any of their names. I think one of them is named Myon? But I can't be sure and I honestly don't give a f*ck. By the time the sun was setting, I went off to the set location to meet up with them. There they were. About seven guys, most of them older then me and one my age. I'm not friends with them and I think I proved that at the deal. As soon as they handed me the money which was supposed to be shared by all of us, I ran.
No one should really trust me, but they always did. I had experience in the field and people were intimidated by me. It's a perk with most things in life. They shouted at me in anger to know they had just been betrayed. Cheated out of a good amount a money if I say so myself. No guilt was felt. Only laughter and my cheeks were hurting from how much fun I was having. They couldn't catch up to me when I used the sewers to escape from them. From there, I took the money over to the trailer park. People weren't in the area I entered in since I came from the back. That way I avoided getting unwanted attention. I came over to my trailer, tossing the bags of money inside and hopping in threw the window. What a rush.
"Haha! Jaehyuk! Where do you want to eat tonight? It's on me!" I shouted, shoving the money into pillows. Jaehyuk wasn't in our side so that was a bit off. He normally stayed here and followed the rules even without the monster present. I looked around and spotted the dead fish in the tank. Sh*t. Maybe Jaehyuk was crying in the bathroom over them. But I couldn't hear him crying. My heart began pounding as I started walking out of our side. Pushing open the curtain, my eyes landed on two feet outside of the bathroom with blood sinking into the carpet. This isn't real. No. "JAEHYUK!!"
*~*
Shaking my head as I stared at his grave, there was so much regret I felt. The memories haunted me constantly. It's hard to accept death like this. When the gang members rejected me for my dumb@ss betrayal, I felt like I had no one. I meant it when I told Jungkook to just kill me. So I could possibly be with someone who did care about me. Except I learned that night that maybe the members aren't the only thing to life. (F/n) told me never to think like that again. She said what I wanted to tell Jaehyuk and caught me before I did anything stupid. Knowing how awful I felt to find Jaehyuk, I'm keeping that promise strong for (F/n). Even if things get tough.
"I shoud've said I love you back." I bit my lip, looking at my hands until I made myself look at his tomb. There. Here's his body and this is a fact. It's real life. Jaehyuk is gone, but that doesn't mean it's all over. "Because I do. I love you too."
I told myself it wasn't too late to say that. It felt like it was, but I wouldn't accept those thoughts. This is my way of finally making things right and facing my fears. I'm taking steps forward to change myself. I'm no longer Gloss or my past. The future me will be the progress of the present, so I wanted to start working on myself.
"When I come back from the military, I'm going to come visit you again. Okay?" I smiled. "Maybe you'll get to meet my friends."
Wiping my face one last time, I felt some pressure lift off my chest at that point. The sun shined a little brighter and things felt better. Maybe this is my version of having him with me. Negative feelings didn't hit me anymre as I stared at his grave. I think I've reached peace at this point with my feelings. The pain of the loss wasn't gone. I don't think that will ever go away but it doesn't hurt as much. Some unanswered questions still remained too, but what can you do? Standing up, I bowed to my brother's grave before leaving the cemetery. Hopefully it didn't look like I had cried a storm back there. The whole neighborhood must have heard my ugly sobs.
So I took a walk around the town to officially calm down. Make sure all my emotions where in check and I was stable again. Walking past a window, I checked my face to see that my eyes weren't that puffy and my face wasn't pink anymore. Now I can return to being a thug on the streets again. But a happier one this time. Shoving my hands deep into my pockets, I was turning the corner to see an idiot not paying attention to on going traffic. Cars were speeding through without a care and the idiot almost stepped right into the middle of it. Luckily, he had two friends with him who pulled him back. I think the worst part of this is that I know who the idiot is as well as his friends.
"Taehyung! What did we say about looking both ways!?" I shouted to see them all jump. They were frightened at first before seeing it was me. Soon a giant grin came across their faces and I gave them a small one back.
"Hyung!" They all cheered. As soon as they were allowed to cross, they all came running over to my side.
"What are you guys doing?" I raised a brow.
"Just hanging out," Taehyung said. They didn't have (F/n) with them. It made me wonder where she could be. Hopefully not on a date with Seokjin. Maybe talking to Namjoon about the future of the gang. She still doesn't want us to be a gang which is the only thing I strongly disagree with her. Other than that, she's fine. I shook off my thoughts of (F/n). She's not even here so why am I thinking about her?
"Yep. We don't really know where we're going." Jungkook shrugged.
"We're just wandering around. What are you doing?" Jimin asked.
"Doing the same thing as you guys." I sighed, looking around at the buildings. The sun was really starting to beat down now that is was past noon. Rainy and cloudy days are better. "It's kind of hot though. You kids want ice cream?"
"Really!?" Taehyung and Jungkook grinned at each other.
"I'll pay. Let's go." I told them to follow me.
"Thanks, Yoongi hyung!" Jimin bowed quickly with excitement in his steps. Taehyung and Jungkook copied him and did quick bows while scurrying behind me. Exactly like little kids. It's cute though so I don't have much to complain about. Only when they can't walk across a street by themselves is when I get a slight problem.
Jungkook and Jimin bounced around behind me meanwhile Taehyung kept trying to hold my hand. He was trying his hardest to pull my hand out of my pocket. This boy. I swear, Namjoon is going to hear it from me. I was there when the second years told Taehyung to hold his hyung's hands. When I joined the gang, this isn't what I signed up for. Taehyung eventually tried linking arms with me which was somehow worse. I gave him a look that made him settle for grabbing onto my jacket instead. Shaking my head, I just took his d*mn hand since he almost tripped over a rock. Wasn't Jimin the one who always tripped?
"Careful! There's a rock." Jungkook caught Jimin who tripped right after Taehyung. Wow. Then there's probably Namjoon breaking something out there in this world.
The boys came with me into a little ice cream parlor. The woman behind the counter was off put to see me. She was slightly frightened until she saw me holding Taehyung's hand. Once she saw the first-year boys behind me, she lightened up. Especially when they thanked me once more for paying. The boys went crazy over choosing their flavors. Jimin got one scoop, Jungkook got two scoops that were different flavors, and Taehyung got three different scoops that looked unappetizing next to each other. Personally, I would never put those flavors with each other. I got a small cup and paid before joining them at a table.
"Gucci~!" Taehyung pointed at his earrings. "Cool, huh?"
"You're going to get robbed." I sat down to see him frown. "But yes, it looks nice."
"You're so confusing, hyung." Taehyung began to chuckle.
"He's not wrong." Jungkook laughed. "You know what town we live in, right?"
"I'm aware!" Taehyung scoffed, making Jimin join into the laughter. His ice cream was slowly melting so I gave a Jimin napkin before it got his fingers sticky. "But we have nice people in this town too. Like (F/n)!"
"Not everyone is (F/n)," I stated as Jimin quietly thanked me. He realized he had to eat his a little faster.
"What even is your relationship with her, Yoongi?" Jungkook questioned, already eating his cone. He wasted no time to finish that.
"Curious or jealous?" I teased.
"Curious," He responded right away with pink cheeks. Look at this boy growing up. He's already noticing girls.
Facing him, I sighed as I thought about his question. My relationship with (F/n) has certainly changed from what it used to be in the beginning. A lot has happened which changed to what I have with her now. Back then I could proudly say I hated her with every cell in my body. Now I don't feel any of that towards her. She occasionally gets annoying, but everyone does for me. She's become normal. Seeing her no where in the warehouse is strange to me. I've come to the point where I kind of like having her around. It's more convient since I do start up conversations with her now. We've grown closer ever since she let me stay at her place and stood by my side despite my sh*tty behavior.
To be honest, I knew I got along with her. She had a similar feeling around her that the other boys gave. A family vibe. She really worked hard to earn our trust and make herself something to all of us. The gang loves her around. Whether they see her as a sister, friend, or a possible love interest. They're all seeing her in their own way. My relationship with her is...friend. I'm pretty sure. Calling her like my sister was too weird. And I don't think I know much about love to know what that is. (F/n) does have something special about her. I can admit that. If my brother were still alive, I would have introduced her to him too along with the gang.
"We're friends. I guess." I shrugged.
"Really?" Jimin smiled softly. He was probably the happiest to know I didn't have anything against her anymore.
"Don't lie! I've seen those sexual eyes you give her," Taehyung randomly accused me of bullsh*t.
"Is this true!?" Jungkook eyed my stoic expression.
"The f*ck? Hell no. Taehyung, just eat your d*mn ice cream," I said as he happily nodded.
These kids make me feel like a grandpa sometimes. I have to take care of them, but they all have too much energy. Namjoon acted more like their father. Then I was the one who found Namjoon. He was like a little kid to me too. Hoseok was like his adopted brother that Namjoon forced me to take in and Seokjin just showed up because I made him. Jungkook calmed down and was awkwardly laughing. He's clearly never had a crush before. His feelings are so intense sometimes and he struggles to show them. I know that all too well. Jimin finished his ice cream and was wiping his face. He gave me a wide smile as I stood up from my chair.
"Where are you going?" Jungkook asked.
"Warehouse." I scratched the back of my head. "Gotta read a letter and talk to Namjoon about my military service."
"Aww. Well then we'll see you later." Taehyung smiled as I gave him a napkin. He has some ice cream on his cheek.
"Alright." I took a step back, glancing at Jimin again who was grinning wide.
"Take care of yourself, hyung!" Jimin waved at me. I couldn't help but give him a smile. Hanging out with the first years could be exhausting at times, but I did like it. They truly made me feel like I was still a big brother. Especially Jimin. He reminded me most of Jaehyuk.
"Will do, Jiminie." I stood at the exit. "I'm happy to be your hyung."
"We're thankful to have you too," Jungkook chimed in, getting strong nods from the other two boys. My chest felt even lighter today. I'm doing good, Jaehyuk. I'm working on it and I'll make you proud.
"Thanks."