I'd never been to a funeral before. I never got to see my parents be put to rest if they ever did, and shifters lived long lives, as well as wolves so there was never anyone dying around the compound for me to go mourn. If there had been, I wasn't allowed to go, which was fair because I had only known a hand full of people.
But a wolf funeral, it was solemn. They'd gathered at the packhouse, everyone gathering about a box in the cemetery that hid beyond the trees of the pack land. Miquel sat silently in front of everyone, his lips moving with prayer as the Alpha spoke over Nani's body.
The day was sunny, beautiful, a day that reminded me of her. Birds chirping in the trees as a fire was being built at the head of the small cemetery.
Her body was lowered into the ground as the fire burned, it was Darren and Verene's duty to gather her things to place in the fire. Though not everything was burned, Miquel of course got to keep anything he wished. It was customary to burn the dead's belongings so that it could join her in the next life.
Once it was over, we stayed until the fire burned out. Darren connected with his old pack while Riot spent time with his friends and family. I was stuck close to Silas, who though followed Darren around a tad, did hold himself back for my sake, and I was more than thankful for that.
I didn't want to jinx what Riot and I had, but we'd been getting close. Though I still felt hallow with Nani gone, now that her funeral was over and that my dads were leaving things felt normal. I tried really hard not to break down during the day while we worked. But my soul just needed to be around him it seemed. And I think he knew it because lately, he was never far away.
Preston knew about Nani and said he was going to come home early, but we reassured him that he didn't need to, that he could enjoy his vacation, especially where he had started it late. I wondered though what the house would be like with him home. Riot and I had gotten into a routine, we had started sharing his bed, opting that it was better for both our necks. We didn't sleep very close, there was no touching as of right now, but it was comfortable, more so than the sofa. In the morning we'd wake up, get the animals ready for their day and as I was feeding chickens Riot would get breakfast ready. We'd eat together before stopping in to see Miquel and Verne,
Lunchtime I would go in early to make us something to eat, it was nice. It had only been a week but it felt like a lifetime.
But I was still in a dark space. Every moment alone I could feel it crawling up my back, the bugs grabbing onto my neck and trying to keep me from doing anything, to keep me from being happy.
"Are you sure you're ok with me leaving?" Riot asked for the umpteenth time. I was sitting on the couch, feet up as I clicked through channels. I wanted him to stay so bad, I wanted to scream at him not to leave. But I didn't want to be that person. So I just looked up at him, smiling at him. His hair sweeping to one side, a leather jacket graced his arms with a dark blue button-up underneath, one with little pugs on it that I had picked out for him because he didn't know what he wanted to wear. He wore lighter jeans, his sneakers matching his jacket. He was perfect.
Everything about him was too good to be true.
And I knew it.
"I promise I won't be too late, you have my number yea?" He patted his pocket finding his phone. I held mine up and nodded. "Ok, text me, I'll text you. I'll look at my phone promise." He said, grabbing the door handle. But he paused before leaving, he looked at me one more time before leaning over the back of the couch, his lips quickly touching mine before opening the door and leaving without another word.
I felt a blush crawling up my neck, we hadn't shared another kiss since the night before. I wanted to, and I think he had too but it was never the right moment.
He hasn't been gone an hour and my mind was already rearing its demons.
My arms itched, but I knew I was stronger than that, I knew I could fight the urge to put anything in my system. Besides, I didn't know where to find anything. I wouldn't want to look for it.
Ali
I jumped, looking around the room at the call of my name. I shook it off, looking back towards the tv as my phone lit with a text.
It was Ivan, texting me once again about someone they had met in town. It was pure luck we had met our mates around the same time. They just wanted to speak about their mate, Freddie. About how much they loved being around him. Apparently, Freddie was a vampire but was still young. He had been transitioning from female to male the last four years and was very open about it with Ivan, who of course welcomed him with open arms. And Ivan wanted to tell me all about it. How Freddie was planning to have surgery in the next year but it was risky with him being a vampire. Any type of medical treatment had to be done by a vampire as well because humans couldn't deal with supernaturals the way they could handle their own.
Though being transgender wasn't something new, and it had its practices for hundreds of years in the supernatural field, it was still risky to be cut open when you had no real blood in your veins. All Ivan wanted to speak about was their fear, and though I couldn't blame them, I still had my own demons to fight. I could spend a few moments on them and their issues before my own would clog my vision and make everything hazy.
Alister
I shook my head, I needed to rest. It's one thing I hadn't been doing was getting great sleep. Though Riot and I had been sharing a bed, and we had been sleeping through the night. I had been finding falling asleep was an issue for me. And with the early mornings we had, it wasn't doing me any good.
So with that in my mind, I sent him a text telling him I was going to sleep and to have fun before laying myself on the couch and closing my eyes.
Smoke choked me, my vision blurring as the billowed towards me.
"Ali. Ali! Someone save him. What are you doing? Why are you doing this?"
"Polina! No!"
A face came from the smoke, sharp features, he grabbed me by my bleeding neck, picking me up into his arm. "Little gold..." Charles mumbled. "Someone get us water, now."
"We're going to have such a good life together child."
"Star.." Nani's voice came to my ear. "Where were you?"
"Nani?" I tried, but nothing came out.
"I'm so disappointed in you.."
I woke up with a start, panic, and darkness in my head. I tried to swallow but nothing would go down, and I fought a caught.
I needed something in me. Just something to get these thoughts out of my head, something to calm me down for a moment. Nothing that would over do me, just something to calm my nerves. Jumping up from the sofa I ran to the bathroom grabbing onto my stomach as I emptied it into the sink, not making it to the toilet in time.
I hadn't had a nightmare in a week, my body shook with Nani's words in my head as I opened the medication cabinet behind the mirror. I knocked everything down as I looked in it. My body was dripping in sweat as I tried to take control, but I couldn't I was in tunnel vision. I just needed to calm down. That was it, nothing serious. I just needed to calm down. My heart raced as I knocked things down into the sink. The water rushed, the vomit long down from my empty stomach.
A growl slipped past my lips as I swiped my hand over the counter, knocking everything on to the floor. It was only then I saw a bottle, green with a pharmacy label go flying and quickly lunged for it, grabbing the bottle and opening it up, I didn't bother reading the label, spilling what was left into my mouth. I didn't bother reading what it was, I just needed to calm down
Only after it was done and I had control of my body did I realize what I did, everything crashed, my heart sank as I slid down the wall, tears streaming from my face.
I grabbed my head before standing back up and stripping off my clothes, I ran towards the door, clothes in hand. I shifted as the door flew open and left the house phasing as soon as my feet in the ground.
I wasn't sure how long I was running for but long enough for me to see lights of a small town glow in the sky. I phased back, grabbing the clothes I left hanging in my mouth.
My skin was crawling with need, bugs in my arms that would only go away with the demons that I tried so hard to outrun.
My habits, they held me tight, why was I giving into easy?
I didn't know where I was, but I did know where to look to find what I wanted, I stumbled into an alleyway, kicking rocks at my feet. I heard voices talking from a nearby bar, loud chatter, and laughter from people enjoying their weekend.
"Yo, Chad! You still got molly?"
"Yeah dude, you finally done being a pussy?"
"Fuck you."
They walked past the alleyway as the taller boy gave a baggy to the smaller one. I walked quickly behind them for a moment before bumping between, the smaller one dropping the bag, along with his cellphone.
"Dude, what the fuck?" The kid yelled as we both knelt down to pick his belongings up. I moved quickly, slipping a couple of tablets out of the bag before slipping them into my pocket while the kid snatched the bag from my grip.
I signed an apology to them both, neither of them understanding from the look on their faces, I walked backward for a moment as my hands moved but were quick to turn and run away. I heard a rushed Hey get called after me, but it was too late. I was long gone for the humans to find me.
My hands shook, I didn't know if I really wanted to do this. My parents would hate me. Riot would hate me.
I'm so disappointed in you
With Nani's words ringing in my ears I took my fist and put what pills were in its grip into my mouth.