Monday morning, the next day, I felt like I was about to give a speech in front of the entire school.
My stomach was clenching and unclenching, my hands were slightly sweaty, and I kept wanting to check how I looked.
But I was only walking towards Grayson's truck.
Leaning against the car, he was looking at something on his phone. It's warmer now, so he's wearing a short-sleeved shirt.
When I stopped in front of him, he put away his phone and gave me a relaxed, lopsided smile.
"Morning, M."
"Good morning, Grayson. Reading up on the news?"
"Nah. Just checking Twitter."
"Like a responsible millennial."
"Exactly," he laughed.
I fished the truck keys out of my pocket and unlocked the car. We both got in, put on our seatbelts at the exact same time, and as I checked the mirrors, Grayson turned the radio on.
"Think you're gonna do well today?" I asked, as I drove out the driveway.
"Should hope so. I didn't go hiking all weekend, just so I could study."
I shot him a quick smile. "I'm so proud of you."
"Though I did play Runescape with Tanner and Regan last night..." he continued.
"Introducing you was a bad choice."
"To be fair, Regan told me to stop playing and go study."
I shook my head. "But he is good at history, and you couldn't care less."
"Don't worry, I studied all weekend. But I appreciate that you're concerned about me," he smiled.
I turned to catch the smile, but instead met Grayson's eyes.
My heart jumped in my chest.
I'm in love with you.
The knowledge burned in my mind and mouth, wanting to be spoken aloud, wanting to be shared.
Instead, for the first time in forever, it's me who looked away first.
"Are you going to Violet Turner's party on Friday night?"
"Uh, dunno." Grayson shifted in his seat. "Maybe. They're okay."
"Yeah."
The song on the radio faded out, and a more upbeat pop song started playing.
I could feel his eyes on me.
"Are you going?" he asked eventually.
"Yeah."
"Oh." He shifted in his seat again. "Well, maybe I'll go too then."
My heart jumped again. It's getting a little ridiculous.
"Yeah," I said, forcing myself to sound casual. "That would be fun."
"Alright."
***
Monday, at lunch, Grayson, Tanner, and Regan were so engrossed in their conversation about Runescape that it allowed Aria and I to have a somewhat private conversation.
Private, because Craig was always asleep on Mondays.
"I can't believe another year's almost over," Aria sighed. She smoothed down the see-through fabric of her dress. "Another year without Jenny Robinson knowing my name."
"I'm sure she knows your name," I said.
"That's just because she's super nice. She's probably one of those people who make an effort to remember the names of the people in their class."
"Most likely."
"There's only one more year after this, Monty. And then I'm never going to see Jenny again."
"You don't know that."
"Well, the cards weren't very positive about our future."
"Our" meaning Jenny Robinson and Aria Martinez.
I took her hands before she could start picking at her nail polish.
"Aria," I said. "If I can figure out my sexuality, you can figure out a way to make Jenny Robinson talk to you."
Her grey eyes stared at me. She looked like she wanted to say something, but then she changed her mind and smiled.
"Thanks."
"Maybe you just need to do something the cards won't be able to predict."
***
Monday morning, a minute after lunch, Aria ran after me.
"Hey, hold up! I haven't asked you about The Thing yet!"
"I have a test now, though," I said.
"I'll powerwalk with you."
I shrugged. "Okay."
We weaved through the crowd of chatting students. Most were looking at their school books with panicked looks on their faces. The last two weeks of the school year were stressful for nearly everyone.
"So, what happened?" Aria asked.
I told her about what happened on Sunday and the conversation I had with my family.
"Wow. And they're cool with you liking Grayson?"
"Yes."
"Awesome."
I nodded.
"So what now?" she asked. "Are you going to ask him out?"
It's the question I had dreaded. Mostly because I just found the answer to the other question, the one that had been haunting me for months.
The other question: Do I like boys?
The short version of the answer: I like Grayson Rogers.
"I don't know," I said, frustrated. "I feel nauseous when I think about him knowing."
"I'm going to be completely honest with you," Aria said. "I'm pretty sure he likes you, too."
Yet her answer didn't make me feel less nauseous.
Because she could be wrong. But, she could also be right, and that's just it.
The problem: I didn't know.
And I didn't like not knowing.
***
It's Friday night, and there's a party in the neighbourhood.
The music was loud, but not absurdly so.
Like last time, there's barely any lights on in the house, but it hadn't prompted people to do the improper things someone so clearly hoped they would. Everyone was still just playing Mario Kart and Just Dance.
I looked around. My stomach felt queasy, and I had the urge to run my hands through my hair, even though I couldn't because I blow dried it.
"Hey, Monty!" Violet Turner called out when I wandered into the kitchen. She's sitting on the counter with a red cup in her hand.
"Hey, Turner," I said, walking over to her. "How's it going?"
"Fantastic. We're almost done with school, dude!"
Not really, though.
"There's still a few tests next week," I said.
She groaned. "Ugh, don't remind me. Seriously, don't. I'm here because I don't want to think about school."
"Fair enough."
I went to make myself something alcoholic.
"Hey, you remember that truth or dare from last time?" Violet asked suddenly.
I took a sip of my Bacardi coke and tried not to wince. It's still not very good.
"I do," I replied.
"Let's do it again," she said excitedly, and hopped off the kitchen counter. "I'll call everyone."
Before I could give my opinion on her suggestion, Violet was already yelling at everyone in the living room. She's met with whoops and cheers, and I wondered briefly if I could sneak away, when the door opened again.
"Yeah, I'll join you," I sighed, then paused when I saw who it was.
Grayson Rogers.
He's put something in his hair. And he's wearing a new shirt. He's put effort into his looks.
He smiled. "Well, you don't sound very enthusiastic."
"Grayson," I said, surprised.
"Hi."
It took me a moment to stop staring. "What are you doing here?"
"Uh..." he shuffled his feet and looked to the side. "Thought you wanted me to come."
"I did! I do," I said immediately. "Sorry, I meant, what are you doing here in the kitchen?"
"I was looking for you. Didn't think I'd find you with the booze, though."
I laughed. "You know me," I joked.
We fell silent. Through the door, we could hear Violet calling everyone to join her in the living room. Her voice was quite loud.
"I think Turner wanted to play another game of truth or dare."
Grayson cracked his lopsided smile. "Yeah, I heard."
We both fell silent again.
There's something different about these silences as opposed to the comfortable ones we had in the car.
Suddenly feeling awkward, I walked towards the drinks and picked up a bottle at random. "Can I make you something?"
"Just a beer is fine," Grayson replied.
The beers were in the fridge. When I turned my back to him to get one, some of my tension bled away.
Oh.
Was this the reason why Grayson sometimes looked away?
Cold beer in hand, I turned around and startled when Grayson was closer than I thought.
"Thanks," he smiled, and took the beer.
Our fingers brushed for a second.
"No problem," I said.
We both took a sip of our drinks. It felt awkward, and I didn't know what to do about it. My Bacardi coke burned and fizzled in my throat.
"Listen, M..." Grayson started, at the same time that the door flew open.
Violet was standing in the doorway with a big smile on her face. "Monty!" she half-shouted. "Come join us for truth or dare!"
"Uh..." I said.
Then, she noticed Grayson.
"Oh," she said. "Grayson. You can join too, if you want."
He could.
We could.
We could partake in the illusion that we're playing a game instead of creating an environment where it's acceptable to make people do sexually-tinted activities.
Like kissing.
Though I didn't know everything, I knew I didn't want to watch Grayson Rogers kiss someone else.
"Violet?" I asked. "Can you give us a minute?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, uh, sure. Take your time. But not too long, or else you're gonna miss all the fun!"
Doubtful.
She closed the door, and suddenly it's just Grayson Rogers and Montgomery Goff again.
"You don't want to join?" he asked.
"No," I answered truthfully. After a moment's hesitation, I took a step closer to Grayson. "Do I need to play truth or dare to kiss you again?"
He nearly spat out his beer. He didn't, though a little dripped down his mouth. With a red face, he quickly wiped it away.
"It's not a dare for me to kiss you," I continued, because this was the part where I was supposed to be romantic. "It's never been. I'm not afraid of you."
Grayson looked like he's torn between fainting and laughing. "I, uh, I know that. I was kinda hoping for more than not afraid, though."
I took another step closer, nearly pressing him against the kitchen counter.
"Grayson Rogers," I said seriously. "I'm in love with you."
He just stared at me.
"Well?" I asked nervously. My heart was slamming against my chest and I was sure my hands were shaking.
"I just wasn't -- I didn't..." He laughed quietly, apparently at a loss for words.
"Can I kiss you?" I asked, because a direct question would always lead to the clearest answer.
Looking wholly overwhelmed, Grayson merely nodded shakily.
Because he was still a fair bit taller, I moved onto my tiptoes and slipped a hand around the back of his neck to pull him down.
It seemed the most logical, meeting each other halfway.
Except logic was thrown out the window when I pressed my lips against Grayson's mouth.
Oh, I thought.
This was what they did in movies. This was usually the part where I went up to get something to drink, where I quickly checked my phone or maybe cracked a joke.
A cheesy pop song was even playing in the background.
But kissing Grayson Rogers wasn't a joke.
Unlike last time, our mouths were moving together now, and it's good. Really good.
My heart was pounding in my chest, and my hands hadn't stopped shaking, and even though my stomach had turned into mush, somehow, it all felt wonderful.
I wanted more.
I leaned back with great difficulty. "I said last time I wouldn't do tongue, but if you don't mind, I'd really like-"
Grayson grabbed my middle and pulled me flush against him. "Yes," was all he said, before leaning in and kissing me deeply.
When our tongues touched for the first time, it's not awkward or grossly wet like I had anticipated. Instead, it sent a thrill down my spine. It made goosebumps rise on my arms, because -- and the answer turned out to be really simple -- it's Grayson, and I cared about him.
Wanting to get even closer, I wrapped my arms around his neck. In response, he sighed in my mouth and moved-
The kitchen door opened again.
Grayson and I quickly broke apart, but it's just a kid who looked kind of awkward at having interrupted us.
"I'm just getting something to drink," the kid laughed awkwardly.
And that's what we did.
While the kid poured his drink, Grayson gently brushed back my hair. It made my chest feel warm. I smiled and brushed a finger over his cheekbone and the tiny scar there.
He turned his head and kissed the palm of my hand.
"I fell down a rock," he said.
"I'm sorry?"
"The scar." He tilted his hand and placed a kiss on my wrist. "That's how I got it."
"Oh. Why did it scar?"
"I didn't treat the wound until hours later. I didn't want to go home."
My heart clenched. I leaned in and pressed a kiss against his forehead.
It's just a small kiss, but it unwound something inside Grayson.
Without a word, he wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my shoulder.
The hug felt fragile.
But more than that, it felt like words Grayson couldn't say, because he didn't know how.
Not yet, anyway.
I wrapped my arms around him and said, "I know."
Because I did.
A/N:
Just to remind ya'll, this is a short story, so the next chapter is finally the last one. Whoop!