Chapter 13, Book 2: Determination

“I think she hates me.”

Linara paused in the middle of loading the wagon with new supplies for their trip back to look at Aldram. “It’s good that you can think.”

“This isn’t funny, Linara.”

She rolled her eyes. “You probably did or said something mildly stupid and hurt her feelings, and you feel bad about it because you are leaving and you don’t want the last interaction to be something that ended badly. So you are overthinking it.”

He glared at her, but nodded.

“So tell me what you did.”

He immediately blushed, looking down. “We were kissing and I froze.”

“Why?”

“I started thinking about…a lot of things. Involving her. I got scared.”

Linara held back a grin. “What kind of things?”

“Our future. Together. How it wouldn’t work. How one of us would have to give up what we are doing. I felt bad. She looked angry, and we haven’t spoken since. We’re leaving today. I don’t want to end it like that.”

Frowning at the young knight, Linara straightened her back, standing tall. “You are a representative of Olentor, in charge of guarding important diplomats. The mission was massively successful. We have a list of supplies to gather and send here once we return. You gained valuable knowledge about the training methods of our new allies. You even learned how to kiss. Act like the victorious warrior you are. Would Rilren want to see you sulking and listen to your whining?”

Aldram mirrored her posture, standing up and meeting her eyes. “I could have done better when it came to winning the hearts and minds of our neighbors.” He said, his voice level and clear.

“Then go correct your mistake. I’ll finish up here, and then gather the rest of our party. If you aren’t back by then, I will go and find you and drag you back here, regardless of what you might be in the middle of. So make things quick.”

“Yes, Linara.”

She double checked the supplies, making sure they had enough for the trip back. Vendel showed up, climbing into the carriage after exchanging greetings with her. His aides followed shortly after, with the soldiers not long after that. They all waited for Aldram.

Eventually, he came trotting out of the manor, his face neutral. Climbing onto his horse, he nodded to Linara. “Let’s get moving.”

“I take it things went well?”

“I explained it to her. We talked about things.” Aldram replied. The two rode side by side in front of the rest of their entourage.

“How do you feel?” She asked.

“Frustrated. Sad. We both want more, but…she seemed to have already accepted it.”

Linara nodded. “But you haven’t.”

“The only thing I wanted was to be a knight. I worked as hard as I could for it. I want to be with her just as much, but…I can’t do anything about it.”

She chuckled. “A few days of kissing and you’re this attached to her?”

“Don’t make fun of me.”

“I’m not. I was the same way. There was one person I wanted to be with, more than anything. I couldn’t. I didn’t accept it. First I ran away from it, then I came back and forced my way in, not caring what happened. Then I realized I was wrong. I learned to accept it. I completely understand how you feel.”

Aldram fell silent, staring at the road ahead. Linara didn’t say anything either, thinking back on how she felt before, and how she felt now. She wondered if she had truly gotten over her feelings, or was just going through another stage of pushing them aside, in a new way, tricking herself again.

“The rumors are true, then?”

“Some of them.”

He looked at her, his eyes wide, then turned his focus forward. She frowned, then smiled, forming an idea.

Linara, Aldram, and Vendel stood in front of Senral’s desk, the king leaning back in his chair, looking at the three of them. “Success?” He asked.

“Yes, my lord.” Vendel spoke first, bowing. “We have secured Celkeish as an ally willing to defend our western border, if we provide them with material assistance, and, if an immediate threat appears, military aid.”

“What of them lending us forces in the event of an invasion from the south?”

Standing again, Vendel shook his head. “Regrettably, their forces are mostly militia headed by a small number of trained soldiers. Any assistance they could provide in a far off conflict would be minimal at best, so I sacrificed that part.”

Senral waved his hand. “Fair enough. What are we providing them with?”

“Basic weapons and armor. We have a surplus that we can replace far faster than they can produce their own at this point in time. With our help they can start training a proper militia far sooner.”

“Anything else?”

“Horses.”

Leaned forward, Senral frowned. “Which ones?”

“Twenty five from the third line. Twenty working, and five stallions. Fifty from the fourth line.”

Senral relaxed, frowning thoughtfully. “They would have to provide their own mares, then.”

“Yes. The twenty would not be used for patrolling but emergency measures. The fifty would serve a more general purpose.”

“It is a small price to pay. Tell me about their forces. How competent are they?”

Vendel went silent, turning to Aldram, who bowed. The three had discussed how this would go. “The trained men are divided into three groups. The manor guards, the city watch, and the outer patrols. I was most familiar with the manor guards, observing their daily training, but members of the other two groups often joined them. They are dedicated and well coordinated. There are several mercenaries and former knights there. Their numbers are small, especially considering the size of the city. They might not be able to put an army in the field, but they could easily make occupying the city or using it as a staging area a difficult proposition. Which is why they need to form a proper militia.”

Nodding, Senral tapped his hand against the desk. “Will the people do that if Felden demands it? My understanding of the city is that they have violently opposed such actions in the past and survived by remaining neutral.”

“He won the hearts of the people.” Linara finally spoke up. “He is liked far more than the factions he fought against to gain his position, and the people truly believe they are better off with him in charge. There is no person that could replace him, and they do not want to go back to the way things were. A show of successful negotiation with us would only further solidify his position.”

“Hence giving him what we agreed upon.” Senral filled in. “Very well, it sounds like we have things sorted out. You are dismissed. Linara, stay here. We have more to discuss.”

Vendel and Aldram left, and Senral gestured towards one of the other chairs. Linara moved it in front of the desk and sat down. “What do you think of Aldram?” The king asked.

“He’s a good man.”

“His parents died due to a mistake my father made. A village on the southeastern border asked for assistance, but the forces he sent arrived too late. Slavers raided the village, capturing everyone and taking them south. When our soldiers caught up with them, they executed the adults and left the children alive, hoping that taking care of them would give them time to escape.”

Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

“Nobody escapes Olentor’s cavalry.” Linara said. Their horses were their strongest weapon.

“Thirty two children. When Aldram wanted to join the Royal Guard, I made sure to give him a chance. He failed the test the first time, but passed the second time. He earned his place. He even caught Rilren’s attention, as I’m sure you’ve learned.”

Linara nodded. “He is very skilled.”

“So how did he do?”

“He has well placed confidence.”

Senral snorted. “Be honest with me.”

“He’s a sheltered idealist that is quickly learning there is more to world than how well he can swing a sword. He’s overqualified as a fighter and underdeveloped as an adult.”

The King smiled. “Tell me more.”

Linara fell back into her old schedule, spending a lot of time training herself and overseeing the training of others. She sparred with Rilren, and even Edmon showed up for a match.

“Where have you been these past months?” She asked him.

The man shrugged. “The king learned all I could teach him, and I was allowed to wander, as long as I come back here twice a year, to know if I’m needed.”

“Enjoying your time in Olentor?”

He nodded. “Nice country. Lots of horses.”

Linara held back a snort at his observation. Before she could ask him any more questions, a servant approached her. “Lady Linara, her highness Yenra has requested your presence in her meeting room.” The girl fidgeted, stumbling over the words.

“Of course.” Linara smiled at her as she stood up. “Go and tell here I will be there shortly.”

Yenra sat in her chair, on a slightly raised dias. The difference in their heights meant that Linara still looked down at her, slightly. Rather than be annoyed at this, Yenra simply looked drained.

“I recently returned from Wellent.” She explained. “You’ll have to forgive my lack of energy.”

“Not a problem. You’ve been through a lot.”

“My sister…was very important to me. More than she should have been. More than my status, my duty. More than my husband. Maybe more than my children.” Linara remained silent, unsure of where this was going. “I visited them first, when I got back. I thought it would make me feel better, to see them. To spend time with them. They missed me. It didn’t help.”

Yenra stood up, looking downward at Linara. “I treated you poorly. You treated me poorly, after a time. For a time. I understand Cerise and your friend brought a change in that.”

“They did.” Linara responded, still unsure.

Yenra stepped off the platform, and then knelt in front of Linara. “I have to apologize to you.” She said, not looking up at Linara and missing the surprise on her face. “I blamed your friend for what happened. I mistreated her. I can’t apologize to her.”

Linara crouched down, pulling the smaller woman to her feet. “What happened?”

“I exiled her.” Yenra said. “Cerise loved her, and she did her best, but I exiled her. I said horrible things. I was wrong, but I didn’t realize until too late. I did something Cerise would never want.”

“We all make mistakes. The situation was difficult for you.” Linara kept her face even. “Do you know where she went?”

“South. I don’t know anything beyond that.”

Linara let out a breath. “She knows how to look after herself.” She wasn’t sure if that was true. How much would what happened affect Ferene? Would she throw herself into something and get killed? The girl had become far stronger than when Linara first met her, but an emotional state could easily lead to critical mistakes.

Yenra shifted, then sat down on the steps leading to her chair. Linara considered for a moment, then sat down beside her. “You should take things slow.” She said,

The queen shook her head. “It was never this way before. When my mother died. I didn’t…it didn’t last this long.”

“It is never the same.” Linara said. “My family, where I grew up. There were six of us. One of my brothers and one of my sisters were both killed. That was the first time I lost anyone.”

Yenra didn’t respond, instead staying still, sitting next to Linara. The two women stayed silent. Linara wasn’t sure what Yenra was thinking about, but felt it was better to stay with her until the queen dismissed her.

“I was scared of you.” She eventually said. “I needed to become queen. Wellent was, slowly, falling apart. Olentor could help us, but we needed it to happen without looking weak. Without being in their debt. So Wellent would join them. So we could get what we needed without showing weakness. Without begging for help. I could become queen and order it to happen. You were there, though.”

Holding back, Linara waited. “He clearly loved you. I couldn’t change that, even with the agreements in place. My father lied about a lot, all for our people, and I had to win him over from you. I’m sorry.”

Linara let out a short laugh. “I was on your side.” Yenra turned to look at her. “I pushed him away from me. Towards you. It hurt me. It tore me up inside, but it was better for him. I was jealous of you. That you could do for him what I never could. When I came back, I ignored all of that, and did what I wanted, regardless of what it meant for everyone else. Your sister helped me see that I was wrong. You said, before, that you saw me as an obstacle. I never was. I was simply jealous. I came back because I never stopped being jealous, even if I pretended to.”

“Cerise helped you.” Yenra said.

“She made me come to my senses, yes. Realize I was going against what I had done before, what I believed in. I never got to thank her properly.”

Yenra reached out, wrapping her hand around Linara’s. “She was better than me.” Linara didn’t know how to respond to that, and stayed silent. “Thank you.” Yenra eventually said.

“I wish I could do more.”

Letting go of Linara’s hand, Yenra stood up. “I need to find my husband.” She said, before walking out the door. Linara stared after her. The queen was full of surprises.

It was a week later, late at night, when Linara was woken up by Senral. He was standing in her chambers, over her bed. Using the secret passages only he knew how to open to get around, of course.

“Can’t you just use the door?” She asked sleepily, looking up at him.

“Get up and come with me.”

“What’s going on?” She asked, following his instructions anyway. She pulled on a shirt and some loose pants, grabbing a pair of basic shoes instead of her boots.

“Something important.” He said, walking towards a hole in the wall next to a bookcase that wasn’t there before. Linara followed, pushing her lips together. The passage was small enough that they both had to duck, bending their knees to shuffle through. Luckily it wasn’t overly narrow, the walls only forcing her to keep her arms to her sides but not scraping her elbows. She could barely see in the darkness, following the sound of Senral’s footsteps as he made several turns.

“Please tell me what’s going on.” She said,

“We’re here.” He replied, opening a door inward. Lamplight fell into the passage as Senral stepped into the room. Linara went after him, emerging in Atheyara’s chamber.

The three of them were not alone.

Atheyara lay on her bed, face-up, eyes closed. Her chest rose and fell. Beside the bed, a servant girl sat in a chair, holding-

-holding a baby.

Senral slowly walked forward, and the serving girl stood up, presenting the child to him. He took it, turning to Linara.

It was a strange, wrinkly-looking blob, wrapped in cloth. But the child’s skin was light brown, like Linara’s. As it opened its eyes and looked upwards at her, she saw they were the same gray as Senral’s. He had long, pointed, clearly Hatharen ears. She stood still, stunned. There was a buzzing in her head.

“Would you like to hold him?” Senral asked. “You said you would be taking care of him.”

Linara couldn’t think, but found herself reaching outwards, and Senral gently placed the child in her arms. He looked up at her, not vocalizing at all. She found herself similarly speechless, staring down at him.

“He needs a name.” Senral eventually said. Linara tore her eyes away from the child to look first at Senral, then at the bed. Atheyara still slept.

“I…I don’t know. Ara…Arta…Arthreas?” She looked down at the child in her arms, then at Senral. He smiled at her. She could feel her heart pounding.

“Arthreas. Does that mean something?”

Linara looked down again, watching the child watch her. He yawned, wiggling his arms. “One that can dream.” Linara said. “I…I don’t want him to be…to be held back by what my people would think of him.” She stumbled over her words, her heart beating faster. “T-take him.” She held him out, and Senral took the child - Arthreas - from her. Linara stepped backwards, leaning against the wall. It was hard to breathe. She struggled to think, multiple thoughts popping into her head. “I need…I need to go back.”

Senral said something, and there was a hand on her arm. She found herself walking through the tunnel again, following…someone. The servant girl? She knew the way? Her arms rubbed against the walls, her head bumped the top of the passage. She was back in her room, stumbling to her bed.

Linara grabbed a pillow, held it against her head, and screamed.

The child had Senral’s eyes and Atheyara’s skin color. Atheyara’s ears. Not hers. It wasn’t hers. It could never be hers. She could never have a child with Senral. She had always, always hoped it might happen, despite knowing how impossible it was. She trembled, feeling her tears wetting the pillow. She screamed again. She wanted to claw her skin off, to rip her own heart out. She hated who she was, what she was. That she was cursed to live like this, to hold someone else’s child and see herself in it. To be forced to feel the jealousy.

Arthreas should have been her child. Why not? Atheyara didn’t want him. She was too apathetic to even name him. Tomorrow she’d be back to drawing her pictures again. The woman wanted nothing more than to ignore her body, the body that Linara wished she had. Atheyara had simply used Senral to fulfill a temporary need. She didn’t care about him, she didn’t care about the child. Why did she get to have it?

Twisting, Linara sat up, putting the pillow down beside her. Atheyara didn’t deserve the child. Linara did. He was hers. She already said it - she could raise him better than her people had raised her. Linara’s mother had done her best, but was still part of the Hatharen. Linara was different. She was the same as Arthreas. He was more like her than he was like Atheyara. If anything, that was why he was her child. Her child with Senral. Her son. Not someone else’s. She clenched her fist.

She had been raised to fight, like all Hatharen. Her child was not a Hatharen. He did not need to learn to fight. He could live a better life than her. When he could travel, she would take him away, far away. Olentor was not a peaceful place. There were mercenaries to the west, in the independent lands. To the other and the east was the mountain wall, with monsters beyond it. To the south a war was brewing. She could go beyond it all. To find a place to raise her son in peace.

She stood up, looking at her spear resting against the wall. She would defend her child. Not just from harm, but from having to fight. She could take everything she had trained for and use it to protect him from having to live that life. No Hatharen mother would ever do that. Linara could, because she wasn’t Hatharen. She could be better. They could both be better.