Reid
I stared out of the airplane window, running my fingertips along my new tattoo; it was a bird in flight, just above my collarbone.
Flying was a delirious sensation. When you were on the ground, everything seemed so huge and important. But the perspective from a high altitude was completely different. You realised how tiny, how insignificant you were in a world crammed with other people and things. My troubles were inconsequential in comparison to this.
Months ago, my cousin Tony got engaged to an old friend of Mallory's, called Kennedy. Today was their wedding rehearsal. And Nina was going to watch me walk down the aisle with my ex-girlfriend.
Two years didn't sound long, but I didn't need much time to know how I felt about Mallory. Everything that we shared, that unbreakable bond we formed, it was still there. Lying in my heart somewhere, dormant in a corner, while Nina occupied most of the space.
"Are you okay?" Nina asked me. Concern radiated from her expression, but her eyes were sleepy and tired-looking from her nap.
I smiled tightly, brushing her hair away from her face. "I'm fine."
"We don't have to go to the rehearsal." Nina reminded me softly. She was looking at me carefully, like I was a fragile china doll. "You know that Tony said it was okay."
I raised my eyebrows at her. "Sure, I'll miss my only cousin's wedding. It's not like it's a once-in-a-lifetime event, or anything."
Nina's expression was still pensive. Still hiding something. "Even if she's there?"
Years after the accident, we still couldn't say Mallory's name. I grinned reassuringly at my girlfriend, cupping her face in my hand. "I'll be fine. More importantly, I can't wait to see your dress."
Nina's smile turned sly. "I can't wait either. Keeping it a surprise wasn't easy."
I laughed, and the tension dissolved. We got our hand baggage and went to get the rest of our bags. As we left the airport, stepping into the cold air of Scotland, I thought about how Mallory's mother was half-Scottish. That was why half her cousins were ginger.
I glanced at Nina, taking in her pin straight locks. Not a single hair out of place, as per usual. Then I thought of Mallory, with her wild, beautiful hair. She used to laugh about how she had no time because of her coursework, hence her untamed look. But Nina looked like she had never experienced a bad hair day.
I was comparing them now, damn it. That made me feel horribly guilty. But I had to ignore the consequences of my actions, else the stability I painstakingly built would crash down.
I barely noticed the taxi ride to the hotel, the walk up to our room. Nina held my arm the whole time, talking about everything and anything she noticed. She had a spark to her, something that brightened the darkness in my life. Even if this was just a tiny shard of happiness, it was something.
The wedding rehearsal came quickly. Before I knew it, we were dressing in our hotel room. Nina quickly put on her purple silk slip, looking gorgeous. I stared into the mirror at my honey eyes. They were darker than in the old photos of me in college. Darker than I remembered them being, when I was with Mallory.
"Are you ready?" Nina asked me.
I took her hand, my eyes taking her in. "You're stunning.
Nina smiled, inspecting my blazer carefully. "You're handsome as ever, in that suit."
She kissed the corner of my lips and walked over to the door, putting her heels on. I put my dress shoes on, straightening my tie, and we walked out of the room. Nina talked to me, but I couldn't focus. I was sleepwalking through time, waiting with bated breath until something restarted my heart. Before I knew happiness again.
It was midday, so the sun was golden and bright. We stepped out of the hotel and walked to the hotel's back garden, where the rehearsal was taking place. It was a huge place, with a hedge maze in the distance, and fountains every few tens of metres down the lawn.
Tony and Kennedy were waiting at the entrance with some of the best men and bridesmaids. Both of them were wearing white, semi-casual clothes. I took in the way Tony's arm was wrapped around Kennedy's back protectively as they talked. She clasped his hand in hers, equally as lovingly.
Their eyes brightened as they saw me. I walked over with Nina, smiling from my cousin to Kennedy. "Hey, you two. The day's getting closer."
"Finally." Kennedy emphasised with a grin, rolling her eyes at me. "I thought it would never come."
"Can't wait to marry me?" Tony asked Kennedy, a grin on his lips.
Kennedy pushed him away, smiling back at him. "You wish, loser."
"I'm happy for you guys." Nina congratulated politely.
Tony turned to her, the brightness in his eyes dimming. But he kept a civil smile on his face. "Thanks, Nina." My cousin turned to me, asking playfully, "Have you seen the menu yet? Your hair looks good."
I grinned at him, surprised by the compliment. "Thanks, and yeah, we looked at the menu. But Nina has a nut allergy, so she can't have the dishes with peanut in. Could you organise a separate table for us?"
Tony scoffed. "Yeah, sure. I'll keep that in mind."
That response would have been good if I ignored the distaste in Tony's expression. I smiled tightly, hoping Nina and Kennedy wouldn't notice my annoyance. "Can I talk to you? Alone?"
Kennedy intervened kindly. "You boys catch up. I'll show Nina her seat."
Nina and Kennedy walked away, arm in arm. I watched the pair leave, my eyes lingering on Nina for a split second. Then I turned to Tony, the question I'd been dying to ask balancing on my tongue. "Where is she?"
Tony understood who I meant. "With Nick. They're probably running a bit late to the rehearsal. It's fine, as long as they're in time for the start."
"Okay." I replied, drawing in a deep breath. "What's your problem with Nina?"
Tony sighed, looking exasperated. He ran a hand through his hair as he faced me. "You never bothered to ask me that before, Reid. Did you ever once wonder why?"
"I wondered, but you never let on anything." I replied calmly back.
"I liked her!" Tony burst out. "In college, I had feelings for Nina. She found out, and then she chased after you. Or maybe she liked you for a longer time than I thought."
"Chased me?" I repeated disbelievingly. "You've got it wrong, I asked Nina out."
Tony sighed. "Whatever you believe in, I guess. I'll warn you now, Nina is smarter than she lets on."
I frowned at him. "Tony, I trust you. But if you have a problem with my relationship, say it outright. Don't pretend that you have an issue with only Nina, and not me."
Tony's eyes narrowed. "Don't try that with me, Reid. I'm allowed to feel awkward when I know what Nina did to get you."
"What exactly did she do?" I pressed, my anger simmering in my heart. I watched my cousin warily, wondering where he was leading with this.
"That's opening another can of worms, Reid. I know you don't want to talk about what happened because of the crash." Tony answered pointedly.
I recoiled, understanding. Tony meant Mallory. He was insinuating that Nina played a part in separating us. Yes, I knew part of the story. Nina told Mallory about her crush on me, and it confused Mallory. So much that she thought we weren't good together. But we were.
I eyed my cousin, steeling myself for a fight.. "Maybe Nina did do that, but I know she cares about me. That was never fake."
Tony rolled his eyes. "I can't deal with this right now. This is supposed to be a happy day for my fiance and I, so I'm going to pretend this conversation didn't happen." He stormed off, and I stared after him.
The air in my chest felt like it weighed thousands of pounds. Two years ago, Mallory decided it was too much effort for us to try our relationship again. We'd been through hell and back. Eventually, she realised that we couldn't keep going.
But what about now? Given the circumstances, I stupidly thought it could be different. But I was with Nina. I knew Mallory was dating Nick. Tony told me a week after they got together. Maybe my heart was crushed. Maybe I started dating Nina because of it. But there were no rules on how to cope with heartbreak. There was no right way of dealing with the aftermath of a life-changing crash.
Kennedy smiled at the group of people around us, hopping up onto a chair. "The rehearsal's going to start in an hour. We'll talk to everyone about where they'll be, and it should go perfectly!"
Everyone cheered and migrated to their places. I waited by the side with the other groomsmen, nervous. Nina was already sitting in her seat, looking over at me. Once I caught her eye, she mouthed you'll be fine. I sent her a tight smile, wondering when Mallory was going to show.
The bridesmaids started filing in, and another jolt of shock flooded through me as I caught Cleo's eyes. She looked exactly the same; vivacious and cutting as always. Cleo appeared equally surprised to see me, but Mallory's old friend covered her emotions with a bright, sad smile.
When Mallory turned the corner from the hotel entrance, my eyes were drawn to her like a honey bee to pollen. She was walking at top speed in her heels, which reminded me of the times when she'd hurry from her cheerleading practices to our dates, during high school. Mallory used to joke that running in heels was her superpower.
She looked ethereal in her light blue knee-length dress. Her hair was sleek and glossy, tied in a loose bun with strands of hair elegantly falling over her face. Her smooth lips were coated in lipstick, her eyes bright and lively with joy.
Mallory reached the front of the line as the classical group started their renditions. She took her flower bouquet from Cleo, giving her a quick word of thanks. My ex-girlfriend didn't look anywhere in my direction, choosing to stare determinedly at Tony, who was waiting at the altar.
I was unashamedly floating in her light. Just looking at Mallory sparked something in me, a faint recollection of happiness; a breath's whisper of something old. Watching Mallory stand a metre away, we had never been so separated.
When the time came for Mallory and I to walk down the aisle together, we faced each other. Time stood still as my eyes took in her face. Mallory's braced expression was passive, bored even, but I saw my own pain mirrored at me in her eyes. I missed her expressive eyes, her gorgeous lips and nose and chin. I missed everything about Mallory with an incurable, insatiable ache.
Deep down, I knew that I would worship her, if she'd let me.
I raised my eyebrows, offering Mallory my arm. She took it reluctantly, barely touching my suit arm as we walked together down the aisle. I felt two pairs of eyes boring holes into the back of my suit jacket, and I knew there were going to be inevitable repercussions. But I couldn't bring myself to worry, lost in the glow of our reunion.
As Mallory and I parted, she sent me a withering glare, parting to stand beside Cleo. I walked to my cousin, my mind whirling. Mallory hated me now, and it stung. But this pain was far better than the emptiness I endured for three years.
Mallory ignited a glow in me that grew steadily with every waking second. The world felt more vivid, its energy renewed. As the rest of the groomsmen and bridesmaids followed in pairs, I fixed my eyes onto a spot on the wedding aisle. I loved Mallory with a passion that scared me, but I wasn't going to cling to desperation.
If she wanted to approach me, I'd let her. If she didn't approach me, I'd give her time and then I would seek reconciliation.
As Kennedy approached Tony, I looked at Mallory, giving into my desire. She was watching the couple, taking in the simple beauty of the rehearsal. Tony's happiness shone on his face. This was a sacred moment, something profoundly important to Kennedy and Tony that would never return.
As Tony and Kennedy stared into each other's eyes, I looked at the one person whose love I wanted more than my own life. The girl who now hated me.
When the procession finished, and everyone began to mingle, my path to Mallory felt like it was outlined by golden thread, a trail leading to the treasure I sought. I memorised her gorgeous eyes and smile years ago. Her rosebud lips and cheeks bloomed pink in the morning air.
But as I followed my way to her, I saw Nina's elegant figure approaching from the corner of my eye. She turned, standing in my path. So I walked to Nina, my heart heavy in my chest.
"Are you okay?" I heard Nina's low, measured voice ask me. I knew my expression must have been vacant, because the worry in her eyes deepened immeasurably.
"I'm fine. Are you okay?" I asked, guilt lacing my voice. Here I was, dreaming about a girl who left me years ago, with my current girlfriend standing by my side. My loyalties were swaying, and that alone felt like a crime.
Nina answered me with a tiny nod, taking my hand. I looked at Mallory's face for one last moment before I tore myself away, walking in Tony's direction with my hands in my pockets.
Tony smiled, clapping me on the back. "You look particularly good in a suit, cousin. But not as good as me."
"I missed your arrogance." I replied back, laughing. I caught sight of Mallory smiling with Kennedy as they spoke, and my heart pinched at my chest painfully.
"Go talk to her." Tony advised me softly, looking over at the girl. "She'll be angry, but you both moved on. Neither of you did anything wrong."
I exhaled, looking away. "But I moved on first."
I was hyperaware of Mallory's presence, so when she started walking in our direction, I noticed it straight away. She walked steadily, with purpose. I wondered if she was as bothered as I was.
She smiled, her eyes lit up by the morning sun, and she hugged Tony. Just the sight of her made my heart flip in my chest. "How are you feeling?"
"Over the moon. I'm so glad you came." Tony told her as they parted.
"I wouldn't miss it for the world." Mallory replied, refusing to look in my direction. I cleared my throat awkwardly, wondering if I should get a drink.
Tony turned to me, and I saw when the idea came to his head. "I'm going to check on Kennedy. Don't wait up for me."
He hurried off, leaving Mallory and I together. We stood together for a moment before Mallory shook her head, grimacing. "This isn't what I came to Scotland for." she muttered, and I knew she was going to run away again.
I caught her wrist in my hand before she could go. "Running away again?" I asked coolly, but it hurt. It hurt so badly that she didn't care about me anymore.
She turned to give me an icy glare, moving her wrist away from my loose grip. "You let me go first."
I laughed, genuinely unsure as to what she was talking about. "Oh, really? Because as far as my memory goes, I remember you saying that we were never going to work."
She shrugged as she asked, "Can you honestly tell me that I wasn't right?"
"We'll never know now." I chose to reply. I looked at her, putting my hands in my pockets. "How have you been?" I asked, wondering if she'd entertain my olive branch.
Mallory gave me a perfunctory glance. Her honey eyes were brightened by the pale blue eyeshadow she wore. "I didn't know you cared still."
I sighed heavily. "I always cared. The first day you visited my parents' home after the crash, I started caring again. And I never stopped."
I saw her brow crease in confusion as I spoke, and I wondered if I'd given the game away so early in. Because Mallory never found out, but I knew. I knew all along.
Over the last few years, memories seeped into my mind. It was like honey straining through a muslin cloth, dripping through with an agonisingly slow clarity. Mallory, Mallory, Mallory. Her name, her soul, her body was engraved into my heart. I remembered how we laughed and kissed, living together, telling stories and loving each other. I remembered it all.
I remembered the oaths of love we made to each other, all those years ago. She was mine, and I was hers. Forever.
And damn, if it wasn't the most painful thing I ever endured. I'd go through a million crashes to never wake up again in the middle of the night, gasping and crying because I'd seen Mallory in my mind, looking at me like I was her sun. Looking at me like if the world ended, Mallory only wanted me by her side.
And I could never be by her side again.
"We have to be civil." I heard myself say. Mallory turned to look at me, her eyes wide with confusion. I looked at her earnestly, believing in my words more than I ever remembered. "For Kennedy and Tony's sake. Because we owe each other more than what we've given."
She thought about my request, then she sighed in defeat, running her fingers through her hair as she spoke. "I agree, unfortunately. Kennedy and Tony will be heartbroken if we can't get along."
"Exactly." I affirmed. "We started out as friends, right? It's only fitting that we end as friends, too."
"Poetic." Mallory commented, a smile curling her mouth.
I grinned at her. "Remember all those Barrett-Browning poems we memorised together?" Her brow creased with confusion, and I elaborated, "Tony told me about them."
She looked suspicious, but rolled her eyes. "I guess I do. You were a pretty good literary analyst."
"Pretty good?" I questioned.
Mallory sighed. "I'm not going to make your ego even bigger, Reid."
"Don't worry, it's already big enough on its own." I raised my eyebrows. Mallory caught my innuendo and pushed me away, laughing. I laughed with her, but I couldn't help thinking about our truce.
Our friendship could only be temporary. Mallory and I could never be platonic again, after everything. After I thought she was the only one I'd ever love like that. It would break me if we split apart now, never to speak again.
The sun was setting behind us. As Mallory turned to leave, granting me an encouragingly kind smile, I wondered what the future had in store for us.
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