Chapter 33

ANNA

The news that Olivia’s chemo isn’t going well has left me stunned. Dad too. We’re both at a loss.

~We’re like two statues. Like father, like daughter, huh?~

~

All I know is that Olivia’s being moved to the isolation section of the pediatric oncology ward. It’s to protect her from infections.

They say she shouldn’t have reacted this badly, this soon. But she would have ended up in isolation eventually.

~It’s for her own good. At least, that’s what they tell us.~

~

I’m relieved I called Mom, but she sounded so devastated. She wanted to be here with me, but she couldn’t. And then to hear this news…

She told me to stay put, so I have.

“Anna?” a voice asks. I don’t even bother to wipe the tears from my face.

I don’t care, because this is my time to cry. Olivia can’t see me right now, so I can let it out.

“Hi, Alicia.” Alicia is one of my “mother’s” church friends.

I can tell she wasn’t expecting to see me here. The surprise is practically screaming from her eyes.

“What are you doing here?” she asks.

“I’m waiting for my mom,” I tell her truthfully.

Her eyes light up. “I’ll go get her.”

~Wait, how does she know?~

~

Then it hits me—she thinks I mean Ruby. Shit, I don’t want her here. But by the time I snap out of my shock, Alicia’s already gone.

I don’t actually think Ruby is here. Why would she be? I mean, sure, she and Peter do nice things for other people, like volunteering at the hospital.

~For other people, just not their own daughter.~

~

I decide to text Mom, letting her know which room Olivia is in. I head over to the isolation ward and see that Dad still isn’t here.

I go into the room. Olivia starts screaming and crying as soon as she sees me.

“Mommy!! It hurts! Mommy, it hurts!”

~How am I going to get through this?~

~

Her screams of pain are so loud they’re almost deafening. They definitely rip my heart to shreds. I rush out to find a doctor.

~Where’s Dr. Jasmine?~

After a few minutes of searching with no luck, I head back to the room.

Ruby and Peter are just ahead of me, heading toward the room where Olivia lies, still screaming in pain.

“Don’t! Don’t you dare go in there!” I yell at them, rushing over.

“Anna?” Ruby looks at me.

I know I must look a mess, but I don’t care.

“Ah! See? I told you I’d find them,” Alicia says, sounding proud.

“Get them out of here. I don’t want them here,” I snap at Alicia. She was just trying to help, but she doesn’t understand.

“Anna, don’t speak to our friend like that,” Ruby chides.

“Shut up, Ruby. Just shut up!”

“Anna, that’s no way to speak to your mother,” Peter warns.

Just as I’m about to let him have it, I hear Olivia calling for me, screaming in pain.

This is a nightmare no parent should ever have to face.

“Mommy! Mommy!” she cries. I wipe my tears and splash some water on my face from the sink outside Liv’s room, then go to my baby.

Ruby and Peter try to follow me in.

“No. You’re not going in,” I tell them.

“Why not? This is the next room we’re supposed to visit for support. This little girl is in real pain,” Alicia pipes up again, not understanding what’s happening.

“You’re not going in there, and you’re not offering your support. Got it?” I stand my ground.

“Who do you think you are to tell us that?” Peter challenges.

“I’m the mother of the child who’s screaming in pain from her treatment. And I say that you”—I point at Peter and Ruby—“are not going in. So you’re not going in. I don’t want you here, so get the hell out!”

I press the red button, hoping someone will come.

But no one does.

“Mommy! Daddy!” Olivia screams. I can’t hold back the tears. I slide down against the door, feeling helpless.

“Anna?” I look up to see my mom coming toward me, worry etched on her face.

“Mom!” I run to her and throw myself into her arms as Olivia continues to scream.

“Mommy!! Daddy!!”

The feel of my mom’s arms around me, her familiar scent, brings me a moment of comfort. I welcome it, even if it’s fleeting. I step back and see that Mom’s eyes are filled with tears.

“God, how long has she been like this?” she asks, shaking her head. The look in her eyes tells me she’s feeling the same way I am.

~Heartbroken.~

~

“Too long. I—”

“Anna? I’m here. I’m so sorry, I went to get morphine for Olivia,” Dr. Jasmine says.

“Oh, I see you met the church support people. They’re well-known in this town,” she comments casually.

“Yes, they help everyone—except their own daughter, adopted or not, who they kicked out because she didn’t fit their image. Just because I got pregnant.”

Alicia’s eyes widen and she looks at Ruby and Peter, who look like they wish they could vanish.

“Is my worth enough for your reputation now? Now that my daughter is in pain?” I challenge them.

Alicia swallows hard.

“I don’t want them here. I want my mom. I want James, to hold our daughter. And right now, I just want my dad to hold me,” I tell her, my voice firm.

Peter moves closer to me.

“Not ~you~. I want you out,” I spit out. I see him flinch, but he deserves it. He never held me when I was a child. Never once did he comfort me when I was upset.

“Mom, where’s Dad? Jasmine? Where’s Dad?”

“What in the world is going on here?” I hear Dad’s voice.

I turn and see him and James approaching us.

“Mommy!!! Daddy!!!” Olivia wails.

“I’m going to give her some morphine, it should help within a few minutes,” Jasmine says. She places a hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.

“I want you out!” I scream at Ruby and Peter again.

I don’t care about the spectacle I’m creating. I just need them to leave.

This. This is exactly why I didn’t want her treated here. I need peace. I want the life I’ve been dreaming of since the day Olivia was born.

~My dream life.~

~

“Anna?” Dad moves closer, taking in the scene.

“Go inside with Mom. I’ll handle this,” he says, his gaze on my adoptive parents.

I shake my head, moving closer to him. “I can’t do it. I can’t. Dad, I need you.”

He kisses the top of my head, nudging James to take me. “Then I’ll go in with you,” he says. “James can hold Olivia—he’s had time to cool down. I’ll take care of you.”

“So, that’s it?” Peter asks. “I’ve been your dad for seventeen years, and he swoops in and he’s Daddy of the Year?” His voice drips with annoyance.

I could kill him.

“Do you know the first thing Anna said to me when she asked about my family history?” Dad asks him.

Peter shakes his head.

~“You’re just going to give it to me? Without second-guessing?”~ Dad mimics my voice.

Peter swallows hard.

“She was ready for another fight, probably ready to give me some facts or proof that she was my daughter. I didn’t need it, the second she told me her age.

“She looked so surprised that I would just give it to her,” he says. “So I think you’ve done enough.”

“All I know about Anna’s upbringing is that she had to pretend to be someone she wasn’t. What I know is that you taught her that she wasn’t good enough. And I know that you know nothing about Anna,” he says.

Peter swallows again. He knows Dad’s right.

“You don’t know anything about her dreams—how she and James met, how she felt at school, how she didn’t have any friends because they weren’t good enough for your standards.

“It made her strong, but in the wrong way. This girl—my girl—didn’t have the slightest idea what she was worth until James came along.”

“How’d you know that?” Peter asks.

“Because Bec was the same. She didn’t know anything about her self-worth until she met me.”

I turn to my adoptive parents. “I know that Olivia knows she’s loved,” I say, sighing. “I make sure she knows. She’s loved by her mommy, her daddy, her poppa, and her gigi.

“She knows she’s loved because we tell her. We tell her every time she goes to bed, and even just randomly during the day.

“Every single one of us, even if we are angry, goes to her room and tells her that we love her. Every night,” I say.

“I never knew that I was loved. How could I?” I tell them, tears streaming down my face. This is the last time I will tell them this.

~I need to say this. I need to close this chapter with them in my life. I need them to step away from me.~

~

“I wasn’t good enough. I had to fit into the right mold so you could brag about your daughter. A daughter who felt like the Earth was swallowing her whole every single day.”

“But then I met James. I knew James loved me—he still does. I can see it in his eyes and in the way he treats me. It was with James that I learned what I was worth.

“But it was supposed to be your job to teach me that.”

“The same goes for Mom and Dad. Dad jumped at the chance to be there for me. He found out that he had already missed so much of my life, so he wanted to be there for his granddaughter.

“He didn’t discard me like I was a disappointment. Hell, I don’t think I could ever disappoint the man.”

“You can’t,” he says, kissing my head.

“He knows how hard I worked to get where I am, and he’s proud of me and of how I handled everything when Liv came along. He didn’t berate me when he found out I got pregnant at seventeen.

“He understands that it was an accident, and that Liv came out of love. He saw it in how James looked at me. And then there’s Mom,” I say, looking at her.

“She scolds me over the phone during our weekly FaceTime calls if I tell her I was thinking about taking a double shift or if I talk badly about myself. That’s what parents do—they love and scold you unconditionally.

“They love me,” I state simply.

~“There are no conditions to earn that love. There are no boxes I need to check off to earn the love. It’s there—unconditionally.”~

~

“I’ve told you once, and I’m telling you again. But I won’t be saying it a third time. Please, just keep your distance from me and my family.”