Chapter 45

ANNA

You’d think after a while, the impact of chemo would lessen. But when it’s your child, that’s far from the truth.

There’s no getting used to the terror of your little one’s cries as they switch out the IV bag or have to stick her with another needle.

It’s painful, and a three-year-old doesn’t have many ways to express that pain other than to scream and cry. I had faith in Dr. Jasmine when she said the worst was behind us, but it didn’t pan out that way.

We’re back for another two-week stint. I’m over six months pregnant now—it’s become my way of marking the weeks and months.

This time, she developed a fever, then an infection. So naturally, we have to stay longer.

It’s tearing me apart—and that’s putting it mildly. It’s gut-wrenching to see my baby girl in such distress. I just hope she won’t have to face any more trials in her future.

I sincerely hope that after this, her life will be safe, joyful, and free of heartbreak. She deserves that.

“Mommy!” Liv calls out to me.

“What’s up, sweetheart?”

“Can I have ice cream?” she asks. I glance at her IV drip and see that it’s finished.

Even in her pain, I won’t let go of my desire for her to grow up well. I understand it’s tough, but life will continue after this. And I don’t want a spoiled child in place of my beautiful daughter.

“What flavor do you want?”

“From the store,” she says, whining a bit. She looks up at James with a pouty lip, which always makes him give in. He looks at me, eyebrows raised.

“Okay, I’ll go get some from the store. Or would you rather I stay here?” I already know her answer, but I still ask every time.

~She’s such a daddy’s girl.~

“I want Daddy to hold me, it hurts and he makes me feel better,” she whimpers, looking at me.

James stands up and takes a seat on the bed. He lifts Olivia onto his chest, lies down, and covers them both with a blanket. I love seeing them like this.

I love their closeness, but I hate leaving them at the same time.

I grab my spring coat, slip on my shoes, and leave the hospital room, purse in hand.

How did my life end up like this? I’m happy. God, I’m so happy. But at the same time, I’m so scared. Terrified of what might happen.

Even though I know that her chances of survival are improving every day.

In the past, during times like this, I would cry until I felt stronger. But with these hormones surging through me, I know I won’t stop crying once I start.

I get into our car, a sleek black Audi Q5, and head to the store. The town looks exactly the same, and over the months, I’ve gotten used to being here a lot.

Ten minutes later, I pull up at the store. It’s our local store, and never, in all the times I’ve been here, has anyone recognized me. Or maybe they just pretended not to—and that was perfectly fine with me.

I’m not here to reconnect, I’m here because I have to be.

As I enter the store with a cart, my phone beeps.

James

I ordered from Benji for tonight. Do you want to sleep here, or do you want to go to my parents?

Anna

Oh, you’re amazing babe! Is it okay to stay until she’s asleep and then go? I really need a good bed for my back, but I don’t want to leave her too early.

James

Okay, I’ll let them know. Can you bring some sodas and snacks? Liv wants something salty, so that’s a good sign, right?

A sob slips out, and I look around as I cover my mouth. She’s getting her appetite back, which feels so good. It’s been too long since she enjoyed anything.

Anna

I’ll bring her favorite. And yours. Don’t worry, hubby. I won’t forget you.

Tears streaming down my face, I head toward the snack section. I quietly sob as I place my selections in the cart. I grab some chips and soda before heading to the fruit aisle.

I pick up some strawberries, apples, and other things to take back to the hospital. Hospital food isn’t terrible, but I want her to have more nutrients than she’s getting.

Even though they assure me she’s getting enough, it’s the only thing I can do as a mother, and it’s killing me.

~I feel like I’m failing.~

All I can do is hold her when she’s scared, in pain, or needs a hug. All I can do is feed her—I can’t heal her, and that’s paralyzing. As a mother, all I want is to kiss her boo-boos and tell her it’s all better.

But this? I can’t fix this, I can’t. I have to rely on the doctors to treat a disease that doesn’t have a cure. Even though she’s doing well, that fact remains. And it’s deafening.

I continue crying as I walk through the store, not caring how I look. I don’t care if I look like a mess. I really don’t—I just need to get this ice cream.

I’m reaching for the ice cream when another sob breaks free.

~Damn hormones.~

“Miss, are you okay?” a voice I recognize all too well asks me.

I didn’t really expect her to recognize me. I mean, they always cared about appearances, not what was inside.

And here I am, in jeans and a t-shirt, my hair in a messy bun, if you can even call it a bun. It’s just my hair thrown up and secured with a hair tie.

“I’m okay… Ruby,” I manage to say between sobs. I turn to face her. My adoptive parents are standing right in front of me.

“Anna?” Peter asks, and I sob again. But then he looks at my belly—my very pregnant belly.

I instinctively cover my bump, noticing the glare on Ruby’s face.

“You got yourself knocked up again?” she snaps.

“Can you just not do this? Just once, don’t,” I plead, my voice choked with sobs. They’ve never seen me like this. Crying, whether inside or outside the house, was never really permitted.

“Everything okay?” Peter inquires, and I nod.

“Yeah,” I assure him, wiping away my tears. I take a deep breath, trying to regain my composure.

“Just hormones,” I offer with a forced smile.

He rolls his eyes. “Anna, I may not have been the best dad, but I know you better than that. Why are you crying?” he asks, genuine concern in his voice.

I sigh, glancing at Ruby, her face set in a scowl, and Peter, worry etched on his features.

“It’s just a bit overwhelming. Liv’s in pain from the chemo, and she has to stay another week because of an infection she got from the treatment.

“I listened to her cry and scream for over two hours last night before she finally fell asleep,” I confess, feeling utterly defeated.

“Oh God,” Ruby gasps.

“And the worst part? I can’t do anything about it. I can’t just kiss her and tell her everything’s okay. I feel so useless as a mother. James is with her now, I came out to get her some ice cream.

“James just texted me that she asked for something salty, which is the first time she’s asked for anything other than ice cream. She’s getting better, but damn, it’s hard.” I admit.

I don’t even care about the tears and the snot streaking my face.

“But why are you pregnant again? That must be stressful, and this baby…,” Ruby begins cautiously.

I sigh. “It was an accident, yes, but we’re happy about it,” I assure her with a smile.

“The baby is a match with Liv—he or she can donate stem cells that will hopefully end her treatments,” I say, a relieved smile on my face.

“Oh, wow,” Ruby murmurs, clearly holding back.

I roll my eyes as I place my hand on my belly. My rings are visible, but she doesn’t notice. Her face is a mask of disapproval.

“How far along are you?” Peter asks.

“Same as Mom. But Mom’s expecting twins. I hope Dad’s ready, but he’s running around like a chicken with its head cut off,” I share.

I chuckle, remembering Dad’s reaction when he found out about the twins.

“Becca’s pregnant?” Ruby asks, shocked, which makes me frown. How do they not know? Everyone knows. They live in this town—I’m there every month.

“Yes, I thought you knew. Mom’s over six months along. We’re actually due on the same day. But with her carrying twins—”

“I’m missing everything,” Ruby murmurs sadly.

“They live in this town, so I thought you knew. They live near the forest line—Dad loves the green.”

A salesperson approaches me. “Mrs. Brown?” she asks.

“Yes. Hi, Nora. I’ve asked you to call me Anna, remember?” I chide gently.

“Yes, but it’s weird,” she replies, sounding annoyed.

“What’s up?” I ask her.

“Nothing’s wrong. I saw you here and thought I’d let you know that your delivery has arrived. It’s the car seat? The correct one this time.”

“Ooooh!” I exclaim, clapping my hands. We were shopping the other day, and I asked the store to deliver a car seat to this town because we’d be here on the delivery date.

But they delivered the wrong one. This store has a pick-up point, so this was the easiest solution.

“The twister! Great. This little one is going to love it, and my husband won’t complain about how difficult it is,” I tell her, laughing.

Nora tells me she’ll take it to the front and heads off to get it.

“You’re married?” Ruby asks, a smile on her face.

I nod and show her my ring. “Yes, we got married a few months ago.”

“Why didn’t we know?” Peter asks, clearly hurt.

But then again, no one knew. “I didn’t even know,” I tell him with a smile.

“I smell a story there,” Ruby says, a genuine smile lighting up her eyes.

“Oh, there’s a story, but the bottom line is that James and I got engaged and married within two hours,” I share.

“No ceremony or reception?” Peter asks, sounding both shocked and disappointed.

I shake my head. I guess it’s strange that I never cared about a party. But I really couldn’t care less.

“Nope.”

“Why?” they both ask at the same time, and a smile creeps onto my face. This is the first conversation we’ve had where they weren’t scolding or yelling at me. I have to admit, it feels nice.

“I don’t care about parties. We couldn’t wait to be married, so we made it happen. You get married because you love someone, not for a damn party. All I cared about was James.

“All I wanted was to become Mrs. James Brown, and now I am,” I tell them proudly.

“You really love him, don’t you?” Peter asks.

“I do. I always have. We were this in love back in high school, you know,” I tell him with a small smile.

“I’d love to chat more, but I need to get this ice cream back to my little fighter,” I tell them.

I put the ice cream in the cart and start to walk away, but then I remember something. Mom. I turn around and look my adoptive mother in the eye.

“Ruby, go see Mom. She misses you,” I tell her.

And with that, I leave the store.