Chapter 13: Your Presence Is Heaven for A Sinner Like Me

~“And the arms of the ocean are carrying me, and all this devotion was rushing out of me. And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me. But the arms of the ocean delivered me.” — Florence + The Machine.~

Chapter Theme Song: “Never Let Me Go” by Florence + The Machine.

HARMONY

“Why’d you pick this quote?” I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.

The sun, once high in the sky, has started its descent, bringing with it a coolness that signals the approach of evening.

The forest is cooler now, the breeze gentle as it rustles through the trees.

“I didn’t...” he finally answers, his voice matching my soft tone, his face unreadable. “I mean, I did, but I was drunk. I don’t know why I asked them to write that...”

I just look at him, silent.

I believe him. People do weird things when they’re drunk, waking up the next morning regretting the crazy choices they made the night before.

But the fact that he chose such a powerful quote while drunk...I can’t help but wonder if deep down he really is ~drowning~.

He smiles, but his eyes are void of any real happiness. “Don’t look at me like that, it’s just a quote.”

I sigh, sinking to my knees. “I don’t think it’s ‘just a quote,’ Blaze.”

We hold each other’s gaze for a moment, but he doesn’t respond to my comment. Instead, he lets out a heavy sigh, stands up, adjusts the chain around his neck, and takes off his hat.

“Still trying to figure me out.”

“I just think the words mean more than you’re admitting,” I say quietly.

He dusts off his hat, then looks at me, his dark hair falling attractively over one eye.

His teeth catch his lower lip as he tilts his head back, wraps his hand around the back of my neck, and gently pulls my face toward his.

My eyes flutter nervously as I breathe softly through my parted lips, staring at his mouth that’s so close to mine.

My heart is racing, my legs feel weak, and my hands are shaking. And the list of symptoms just keeps growing.

“You said you wouldn’t kiss me again...,” I remind him, my voice shaky.

He reaches up, tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, and then speaks. His voice is soft, but powerful, sending chills down my spine.

“You can’t trust me, Harmony. I’m not good at keeping promises.”

I look up at him, searching his eyes for some kind of explanation, but as usual, I find nothing. He’s a master at hiding his emotions.

But I’m not. Right now, I’m nervous, and it’s obvious. My face is flushed and my body is shaking like we’re in the middle of an earthquake.

He moves closer, resting his forehead against mine. Skin against skin. Our breaths mingling.

I close my eyes slowly, unsure if I should let him kiss me, but unable to pull away. He’s like a magnet, pulling me in and holding me there.

Holding me there ~until he gets what he wants~. And with his dominant, powerful presence, I can’t imagine him not getting his way.

I wait for the feel of his lips on mine, but after a few seconds, I still feel nothing. I open my eyes to find him just looking at me.

“What?” I whisper.

His lips twitch as he taps his finger on the ground. “Nothing. Ready to go?”

He stands up and I’m overwhelmed with embarrassment.

I closed my eyes like an idiot. I closed my eyes like I wanted it.

~But you did want it~, my subconscious chimes in, and I ignore her, annoyed at how right she’s been all day.

“We’re leaving now?” I ask, trying to hide my disappointment. I cringe inwardly as Blaze turns to look at me, brushing some hair out of his face.

“Yeah. Do you have class soon?”

“No,” I answer quietly, shuffling my feet. “We just got here. We could stay a bit longer...”

He grins, showing off his perfect teeth. “Wow. Getting comfortable, aren’t we?” He laughs, and I smile shyly, looking away.

“That’s not it....”

He takes my hand again, his fingers weaving through mine, and the warmth returns to my stomach as I stare at our intertwined hands.

“We should go though. It’s not safe for you to be alone with me, and I don’t want you to be away from the dorms for too long.”

I nod, confused about why it’s not safe to be alone with him. I decide to ask later as he leads the way to the door.

We leave the house and Blaze puts the rusty key in his pocket. Our hands are still joined as we walk down the path we took earlier.

I take in the beauty of nature, breathing in the fresh, damp air.

His words from earlier come back to me, and I glance at him. He’s focused on the path beneath our feet, his dark hair blowing in the wind.

“You said it’s not safe to be alone with you. Why?”

He looks straight ahead, his eyebrows furrowing in thought. After a moment of silence, he answers.

“Because I’m not the kind of guy you want to be around sometimes. I’m kind of...fucked up. If you want to put it that way.”

I press my lips together, letting his words sink in. “Maybe I’m naive, but I don’t think you’re that bad. I think...you’re trying to scare me off.”

He smirks slightly.

“I’m a straight shooter, green eyes,” he says, looking at me. “If I tell you I’m messed up, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m messed up. Stick around long enough, you might just see it.”

I bite my lip, scrunching my nose. “Well, I might just stick around. Maybe we could be friends?”

~What happened to ‘keep your distance,’ Harmony?~

He halts abruptly, and I follow suit. He turns to face me, his hand slipping from mine to find refuge in his pockets.

“Do you feel safe with me?”

I tilt my head to look up at him. The sight of that knife in his bag did scare the living daylights out of me, but there’s something inside me that believes Blaze isn’t the monster everyone makes him out to be.

They could be wrong. ~He ~could be wrong.

“Well...I wouldn’t say I trust you. But I don’t distrust you either...”

“Why’s that?”

“Huh?”

“Why don’t you distrust me?”

I shrug. The woods are getting colder, and I wrap my arms around myself, searching for an answer.

“I don’t know. I guess I’m just following my heart.” I bite my lip.

He steps closer, eliminating the small gap between us. But his closeness doesn’t bother me like Mr. Jones did earlier today.

Blaze’s warmth easily combats the chilly air, and the calm blue of his eyes has now darkened significantly.

“If you found out I was...,” he points to his head, and my eyes follow, “mentally messed up. Would you still want to be friends?”

~Why is he asking me this? ~Remembering the conversation I overheard this morning with his father, I can’t help but wonder if he’s genuinely mentally ill. Is this his way of telling me?

“Yeah.” I nod. “I’d still want to be friends. It doesn’t matter.”

His eyes return to their peaceful shade, and he studies my face, taking in every detail.

I shift uncomfortably. “Why’d you ask?”

He smiles. “Just curious. If I were, you might get scared and run off.”

He starts walking again, but this time he doesn’t take my hand. I’m secretly disappointed.

I reach out to grab his hand, but he lifts it to ruffle his hair, oblivious to my gesture. I pull my hand back, running it along my dress instead.

We reach the car, and I slide in next to him. He starts the engine, and we’re off.

The drive to school is quiet. I glance at him, watching as he focuses on the road, deep in thought.

When I look away, he speaks. “What you heard this morning...can you pretend you didn’t hear it?”

I know he’s talking about the conversation with his dad. I nod, respecting his wishes. “Yeah, of course. I wasn’t supposed to hear it anyway.”

He doesn’t say anything else, just turns on the radio. Soft, soulful music fills the car as I turn my gaze back to the window.

I feel a pang of regret that we have to leave already. I’m already hooked on his company.

“Well,” he starts, his voice brighter, and I turn to listen. “Since you don’t have any more classes and it’s almost three, why don’t we do something fun?”

“Like what?”

He shakes his head, eyes on the road. “I’m not telling you because you might not want to do it.”

I cross my arms, frowning. “That’s not fair.”

He glances at me and laughs. “Stop, you look too cute doing that and I promised not to kiss you today. You might make me break that promise.”

Our eyes meet, and I look away, flustered, butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

He chuckles knowingly. “So, are you in?”

“Can I get a hint?”

His grin widens. “It involves the tongue and the mouth and can make us both feel good.”

My eyes widen, and he smirks.

“How about it, green eyes?”

***

“And here we are!”

He guides me in front of a glass door, peeking around to see my reaction. His lips curl into a smile. “Time to use your tongue and your mouth.”

I’m confused until I read the bold letters on the door.

~“Music Club: Music is the way to the Heart.”~

My eyes widen, and I start to back away when he chuckles, pulling me back. “Harmony.”

“I’m not joining the music club, Blaze.” I frown as he turns me to face him.

He sighs, placing his hands on my shoulders and bending down to my level. “Your voice is too beautiful to keep to yourself. It’s just not fair.”

I blush at his compliment, but I can’t sing in front of people. He knows this.

I sigh, shaking my head. “I can’t.”

“You can.”

“I can’t, Blaze.”

“You can, Harmony.”

I puff out my cheeks, and he smiles. “I’ll be right there with you, okay? I promise I won’t leave your side. I might even join if you want me to.”

I smile a little. “Are you musically talented?”

He feigns injury, pressing his hand to his chest, which makes me giggle. “Didn’t you hear me in the car earlier? I’ve got a voice that’s a mix of The Weeknd and Ed Sheeran.”

I burst into laughter because we both know he can’t sing to save his life.

“Are you mocking my talent?” he teases, and I shake my head, grinning.

“Good, because I think I’m pretty talented.” He bites his lip and my smile widens.

“Okay, will you come with me then?”

He nods. “Sure, of course. I’ll come to every meeting with you if it helps you feel better.”

I beam at him. He can be so sweet when he wants to be.

“Okay...you promised.”

“Yeah, and even though I’m terrible at keeping promises...,” he gazes into my eyes, making me blush under his intense scrutiny, “I’ll keep this one.” He takes my hand in his as he pushes the glass door open.

We step inside and all eyes turn to us.

The rows of chairs I saw last time in the corner of the room are now filled with college students, and a curvy brunette is standing at the front of the room, holding a stack of papers.

I instantly want to run and hide. Despite the air conditioner blasting cold air, my palms are getting sweaty. All these eyes on me make me so nervous.

I should just leave. I try to pull my hand from Blaze’s but he’s holding it so tight that I can’t get away. I look up at him, pleading, but he just gives me a dimpled smile.

When I look back at the girl in jean shorts and a fuzzy blue sweater, I get the feeling that she knows him. Her hazel eyes are narrowed as she looks at him.

Then she turns her attention to me, and she suddenly seems...~angry?~ Then Blaze speaks, confirming that he does know her.

“Hi, Justine.” His smile turns cocky, his head tilting slightly to the side. “We’re here for the music meeting.”

She swallows hard, nodding towards the chairs. “Okay, thanks for coming.”

Everyone claps and Blaze leads me to two chairs at the back. I sigh in relief at his choice of seats. I prefer sitting in the back where I can avoid participating.

He flops down in his chair, propping his feet up on an empty one in front of him as he leans back comfortably, stretching his neck.

A guy sitting in front of us glances down at his Nike sneakers disapprovingly, and Blaze gives him a silent glare. The guy quickly looks away, pressing his lips together.

“You okay?” Blaze looks over at me, and I give him a small smile.

“I guess.”

“You’ll be fine.” He chuckles lightly, then reaches into his pocket. He pulls out a wrapped chocolate bar, and the wrapper crinkles loudly as he tears it open with his teeth.

I spot Malcolm in the front row, holding a flute. I smile widely and wave excitedly at him.

He waves back, but he doesn’t seem as enthusiastic as me. He looks over at Blaze, his face suddenly serious.

~What’s everyone’s problem today?~

Blaze chews quietly, noticing Malcolm’s glare. He smiles. “Oh. Your boyfriend’s here.”

“No, he’s not my boyfriend.” I shake my head quickly, and he laughs, taking a bite of his chocolate.

“Oh. Is that so.”

I notice a ‘No Eating’ sign above his head, written in bold red letters on a white sheet of paper. “I don’t think we’re allowed to eat in here, Blaze.”

He shrugs nonchalantly. “Justine knows I don’t follow the rules.” He looks up and I do too, noticing that she’s watching us from behind the papers she’s holding.

“Want a bite?”

I look at him and he’s holding the chocolate bar out to me. I shake my head shyly and he frowns.

“Come on. It’s just chocolate.” He licks his lips as he looks at me. “If you don’t take a bite, I might just kiss you, so you’ll taste it anyway.”

The kid in front of us turns around curiously and my face turns red. I decide to take the chocolate to avoid any more suggestive comments.

I lean over and take a small bite, chewing quietly.

He smiles. “Good girl.”

I blush even more, if that’s possible. He uses his pinky to brush a crumb off my cheek and I melt under his touch.

“Uhm, excuse me? Newcomer?”

I look up to see Justine staring at us, her arms crossed tightly over her chest, still holding the papers.

“We usually don’t let anyone join our club unless they have talent.”

I swallow. ~Is she talking to me?~ I can’t and won’t sing in front of anyone.

Blaze finishes his chocolate and dusts his hands off, standing up suddenly. “Okay, I wouldn’t mind blessing you all with my beautiful voice.”

“Not you, Blaze,” she says. “I meant the girl you came in with.”

~Oh.~

I rub my hands on my legs as everyone turns to look at me, waiting for me to ‘reveal my talent.’

I knew I shouldn’t have come here. I can’t do this.

“Okay,” I say, slowly standing up. Just as I’m about to walk away, Blaze grabs my hand, making me look down at him with fear in my eyes.

“I know I said I wanted you to face your fears. But if you don’t want to do it, that’s okay. We can leave right now.”

I give him a small smile, shaking my head. “I’ll try. If I mess up, then we can leave and never come back here.”

He grins at me, a playful glint in his eyes. “Don’t sweat it. You’re gonna rock this.”

I return his smile, though mine is tinged with anxiety. “I sure hope so.”

I pivot and resume my trek to the front of the room, feeling the weight of every gaze following my every move.

I find myself standing at the front, my fingers nervously playing with the hem of my dress. I scan the sea of expectant faces. My heart is pounding in my chest.

~How am I supposed to sing in front of all these people?~