Too Hard: Chapter 26

CANDY BARS. Lots of candy, a scented candle, a bath bomb that smells like coconuts and vanilla, tampons, pills, and even some lame rom-com. That’s what’s in the bag.

A period survival kit.

I peer up at Cody from where I stand looking at the contents spread before me.

“What is it? Did I forget something? I can run out and—”

“You bought me tampons,” I whisper.

He cocks an eyebrow, scrutinizing the box. “Do you not use tampons? I can go buy pads if you want.”

“No, this… this is perfect.” My hands tremble as I place every item back in the bag, my thoughts in overdrive.

Cody crosses the room then hauls me onto the counter, both hands gripping the marble edge as he beds his elbows, staring at me. “What’s wrong?”

Needing something to do with my fingers, I wrinkle the hem of his black polo shirt.

My heart pounds a wild rhythm of hope and fear. This is so much more than just being friendly. It’s intimate, personal. Something a boyfriend would do, not a man who labeled himself my enemy.

He shouldn’t be here. As much as I want him to spend time with me outside the bedroom, he shouldn’t. He’s not doing us any favors. We’re tiptoeing on thin ice, and it’s more like stomping when he acts considerate and helpful. Tender, sweet, caring.

When he looks at me like he never wants to look away.

He tilts my chin, searching my face. “Words, baby. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s just… this is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me,” I admit, meeting his piercing gaze. “It doesn’t feel like you hate me anymore.”

The lines we drew are blurring, evaporating, and I’m scared because… I think I’m in love with him, and now… everything has to stop.

We were doomed from the start.

I had feelings for him before he kissed me, and I put up a lousy fight whenever he stretched the boundaries.

I let it happen, falling deeper and deeper while fooling myself I had it under control.

“You should go,” I say, bracing both hands against his chest as I slam my walls back up, even though they’re full of holes now. It’s no longer easy to slip into my unemotional, guarded act. No longer easy to play that part. Not around Cody. “Please,” I whisper, everything inside me rioting as I say, “I… I can’t do this. You need to leave.”

He doesn’t budge. If anything, he crowds me further. “Take it off,” he says, cradling my thighs, a tornado of contradicting emotions in his eyes fighting for the stage. “Now, B.”

My eyebrows bank in the middle as I look down at my summer dress. He can’t be serious. “No. I told you we’re not having sex tonight.”

“That’s not what I want,” he seethes through gritted teeth. “Eyes on me, B,” he adds, near whispering. “Which one is real?”

“Real? I… which what is real?”

“You. Which one of you is real? I’m tired of guessing, so tell me. Is this real?” He flicks a hand at me. “Or the girl who laughed with me last night? The girl who bakes cookies, plays peek-a-boo with my nephews, and cries herself to sleep in my arms. The girl who doesn’t give a fuck about red lips or high heels and doesn’t mind me seeing her without makeup? The girl who drinks beer from the bottle, wears sweatpants, and admits her mistakes or this.” He motions to me again, alluding to the fake act I’m trying to put on right now. The godawful, attention-seeking attitude, crude language, and rude comments. “Which one is real and which is a mask?”

I stare at him, my insides tingling and tying into knots. “You know which one is real.”

“I do, but you’d still rather be this girl. You’re her when you go out with your fake friends. Her when you wear those red dresses. The only time you’re you is when you’re with me.”

I bite my cheek, loving and hating that he sees right through me. That he pays enough attention to notice that the face I show the world isn’t my true face.

“You have a year of college left,” he continues, hammering his point across. “After that’s over, life begins. You won’t see most of your fake friends again. They won’t give you a second thought two years from now. In five years, most won’t remember your name.”

He leans in closer, close enough that our noses almost brush. “This isn’t you,” he whispers, almost pleading, though with a flaring temper laced in his tone. “This is a defense mechanism. An alter ego you created to deflect the hurt. I can’t fucking stand this girl,” he spits out, eyes roving my body up and down before he meets mine again. “But I like the girl who sneaks into my bed when she needs a hug. I like the girl who smiles with her eyes, not just her lips.” He takes a pause. Every muscle in his body winds up tight, but his face radiates determination. “I like the girl who trusts me to bear the weight of her hurt. I don’t hate her, B. Far from it.”

My heart beats out of my chest, the last sentence coating every mental cut and bruise, acting like a balm, cuddling me with more warmth than I ever received.

Cody moves back a step, standing taller, prouder, more confident. “Take it off. Bin it, burn it. Stop sabotaging your life.”

My thoughts race a million miles a second, my mind flooding with memories of every moment I spent with Cody these past weeks, every fleeting conversation, tear, and time he let me fall apart in his arms.

That tiny brush of my lips against his neck when he fell asleep after dragging me onto the mattress in his condo.

The first kiss he initiated and how fast it led to more.

Every smile, every gasp, every blissful minute.

And then it all shifts to the other side of the coin. My father, my friends, the future I dreamed of for so long. The goals, threats, everything I could lose. Everything I suffered, the road I’ve taken, and how close to the finish line I am.

And then there’s the imposing shadow of my mistakes. The hell I put Mia through, how much it hurts to even think about forgiving myself.

Even if I can… Cody’s family will never accept me. This is beautiful on paper, but it won’t last. Cody will leave.

He’ll leave, and I’ll be alone. Not even any fake friends to take my mind off those dark thoughts. No money to fall back on. No dreams. No future.

What will I do then?

God, but what if he doesn’t leave? What if I really earned a second chance?

Cody cups my face, forcing me to look at him. “Don’t disappear inside your head. Don’t overthink, B. Take. It. Off. Please… If you can’t do it for you, do it for me. I’ll teach you how to let go of the past. I’ll teach you how to be happy.”

Inching away, my vocal cords tying in knots, my shaking hands drop to my unsteady legs. “You should try to hate me again. I’m not worth the risk, Cody.”

“That’s not your decision to make.”