August 25th 2024:
A lot of people I know have either never loved someone or moved on from their major love, what's wrong with me?
August 27th 2024:
I don't want to bother anyone anymore with my messages, if the answer is dry I will just back down, like if it is one word with a repeated letter, I understand that they don't want to talk but don't want me to feel bad, so I will just back down and stop the conversation. Or if they use an emoji or a sticker, that also means that I will back down, I don't want to bother anyone anymore, I am already a bad and crazy friend, and people are only treating me with those nice things because they are kind, I won't bother them, I don't want them to tire themselves with this, just don't talk to me, it will be way better for both of us.
August 28th 2024:
I scheduled everything I wrote until now, seven parts are now ready to be published, I feel relieved a bit.
It has been four days since I published the fourteenth part, and she still hasn't read it, I don't want to assume anything, but I guess I am winning the bet this time.
I feel tired, what if I drive again? Maybe I will feel better, but no one here wants me to do this, because it's expensive, but this is my therapy, ten minutes of speed and racing, that's what I need, that's what I love, that's what will heal me.
August 30th 2024:
I only wanted to sleep peacefully, and I only got an hour. I woke up on her complaining, commenting, yelling. My breathing rate spiked right after waking up, I had to keep lying down for a while to not collapse, is my mother the attention seeker type? It does explain a lot of behaviors, but it does not justify them. Why does she have to keep talking about futile things? Unfortunately, my dad fell for her looks, he neglected everything else, and we are paying the price, us who came into this hellish world asking for nothing, we are suffering because of other people's mistakes, and they continue to deny it. If only they redeemed themselves but they are only digging deeper and deeper, making the hole so dark for us, that no glimmer of light can reach us. I hope for this hole to crumble down on us, finishing this suffering once and for all.
August 31st 2024:
I talked to her about some things, related to my relationships with some friends of mine, and funny enough, she gave me advice that goes against what she is doing, she said that real friends don't make you feel left out, and we never had a good conversation that lasts a while without her going radio silent for hours without explanation, each time she does that, I only see myself as a bad person that you would rather ignore than keep talking to. Even now she left me again on delivered, with a message that had "genuine friends". Am I really a genuine friend of hers? I am starting to question everything once again, I did that recently, when it came to some people I considered friends, and turned out to be a bunch of rat finks, I still don't want to believe that she is a bad person, but I see that I am bad to her, maybe just fulfilling my promise about helping her with her studies is the best ending for this friendship.
She didn't read it, the fourteenth part if you are wondering, only Ivan65758 did, and this person voted for it, thanks dear reader. The eight days mark will end in a few hours, and I will win the bet, yet again.
She did not read it, I won, but at what cost? Am I the one who just pours too much attention and caring in relationships? Or people nowadays just do not care at all? It hurts, the voices are going wild, my head hurts, I hate my life.
September 1st 2024:
Since she lost the bet, I have chosen to share the story with a friend of mine, the one who came here, and I went to his house last summer. I won't mention the story to her anymore, it's better. I did it on a whim to be honest, I can't tell him anything, about her, even if I talked to him about her. Reading this story will be easier for him to understand what is happening right now. I want to write something, to express what I feel right now, but no words showed up on my mind right now, just white noise, that's what I am getting from my brain. Nothing. Just, the Void. As if I am watching a white screen, a white noise blasting my ears on the background, I do not think I can write something coherent, is what I wrote right now understandable? Do you understand what is happening right now to me? Am I a good writer?
He read everything, absolutely everything that was published until now, this guy right here is a brother to me, and he did a pretty good analysis when it came to sum up the thought process in this story. It was a good idea to show him this, he knows now, he knows.