September 2nd 2024:
My friends wanted to meet up, but I am out of town, they eventually decided to meet up today, without me. I am really one disposable asshole of a friend, why couldn't they just postpone it a bit? I thought they cared about me, they wanted to meet up one last time before starting school again, but they did it without me, I am one shit of a friend, no one wants him. I will start the starvation plan when we start school, I will end my suffering, I will embrace death, I will not accept my fate, I will make my own. They forgot about my existence, and making the plan that will suit everyone, excluding me, I hate this, I will end it.
One of them couldn't come, and they said that the trip without him was not enjoyable, so it is indeed enjoyable without me right? That's what they meant.
September 5th 2024:
Did this bitch just say that I am gay? In front of my aunt and grandma? Just to make them laugh? She could never do that if father was here, even if it was a joke. And she is acting all innocent and not caring about what she said. Even if you are my mother, there are limits you should not trespass, and if you do, I will retaliate, and you will not like it. You will never know how it feels until you are treated the same way, and I will make sure that you will learn this lesson very well.
I will not speak to her until she realizes what she did, because each time we say we are sorry, she sees herself as righteous, which is not the case, it never were, even if everyone were to beg me, I will not, this is my decision, and you will accept it.
My aunt is defending her behavior, telling me that it was irresponsible from me to overreact on such trivial things, it is draining to live only with women, my father is never here, and doesn't care about what really happened, he will always defend my mother, which makes her the angel in this story and me the devil. You see why, dear friend, I always see myself as the villain in everyone's story? Because that is how they see me, all of them, I am always the bad guy, I am always the one who hurt others. If I say anything, I am a bad person. My aunt even told me "Where is the nice and the sweet [Writer]?", so I am only nice if I accept the disrespect, if I accept being looked down on. No wonder I have problem making friends, I grew up like this, always accepting the disrespect, to eventually getting bullied at school. Everything is your fault. And of course, if I say that, I am the bad guy, since I don't remember the good things they did for me, and ultimately, I become, once again, the bad guy.
September 6th 2024:
It has been a while since I have felt the touch of metal on my skin, I really missed that pain, those red lines. That piece of art I had once on my chest, is merely recognizable among the scars I have there. To be honest with you, I find it hard to pray. Prayer was always associated to my mother, each time I thought of praying, her image came into my mind, and needless to say, I never wanted to become like her. Since my childhood and until now, this basic thought process made me think of prayer as what liars do to ask for forgiveness, but I am not a liar, and yet I know I should pray. Mother, you failed in your education, each strange action that comes from me is a lack you showed in your education when I was a child. I cannot communicate very well because of you locking me up and thinking that family is all I need. You chose bad schools for me, so I ended up lying to myself thinking I was the best. I kept changing schools over and over and over again, and now I don't know what they mean by "a childhood friend". You knew that what you were doing was just making our life what you wanted your life to be, what a narcissistic move. I keep on thinking and thinking and thinking, but you do not seem redeemable to me, you have already hurt me too much, and you never truly said "sorry", so why should I forgive you? Because you are my mother? Those who truly bear the responsibility of that nickname do not act like you do. Your perception of making a family destroyed me, and I don't think someone can fix me. No one can, not even her, not even him, no one. All that I am left with, is this blade. Oh, just thinking about it is giving me goosebumps, I indeed missed that feeling, but not now. We will wait for a few more hours, that would make everything go according to plan. If they were to see blood right now, everyone will panic, including my aunt and my grandmother. I don't want them to get involved in this any further, it is making it hard for me to do anything significant for my revenge. Yes, I did not give up on it, I still want to see them suffer and cry, I want them to feel exactly what I felt, because that is how fairness works in this world.