September 18th 2024:
My hands were shaking so much I couldn't write anything, this is, good.
September 19th 2024:
The fact that I have planned on forgetting her completely is hilarious right now, but I do want to execute this plan. If I want to forget people, close ones, I need to hate them, but I can't hate on my own, I need a reason. If I confess everything right now, she will definitely hate my guts, and then, forgetting her will be easier. Do you want that? What? Do you really want to forget her? Do you really want her to hate you? Shut up. Be honest with yourself, Writer. Do you really want her to hate you? Do you really want to forget her? Do you really want to forget all the memories you had with her? All the things you did for her happiness? Do you really plan on forgetting everything? Shut up, don't you dare say anything else. Oh I am not saying anything, you are.
The voices are not stopping, it is not ending, the scenarios are getting wilder, what's going to save me at this point?
Ivan65758 asked for the playlist my sister sent me, I can't share it, he might get access to her account. Sorry but I do not trust you, I care about my sister, and I am not planning on putting her in any kind of danger.
About yesterday, my hands were indeed shaking a lot, writing anything on the paper was impossible, eating with a spoon was impossible too. Holding anything made them shake a lot, I looked it up, and most of the cases were some serious health issues. They talked about sleep deprivation, cancer, stress, everything that kills, I will try recalling in the last days so that I get this feeling again, being close to death brings me a strange satisfaction. I am getting crazier, I am starting to enjoy this pain, this is not good, but I like it.
I checked the statistics, and no one from my home country read the story recently, which means, she forgot about it, and he did too. I mean, I didn't get a message from her days ago, she certainly got bored from this guy who keeps helping her with studies and everything, or she is just busy since she still has to prepare for school, nobody knows. As I said, if they don't want to talk, I won't force them, I will just gradually disappear from their life, making them forget about my existence.
Fuck, it has been a while since I haven't wounded my chest, the urge to just keep cutting is wild right now, but I can't, my roommate is here, I will wait for tomorrow to do this easily, I will be at home, and I will block the door. Of course I don't have keys, did you forget who my parents are? I will go eat something, not because I am hungry, but I don't want to get breakfast tomorrow, I am still planning to starve one day, and I need to understand how my body reacts to hunger. It's not a good method, but a suitable one for my self-harming tendencies.
September 20th 2024:
I just got back from school, and she is at it again. I was joking with father, and she comes yelling to my father that he didn't educate me correctly, that I should change my tone and everything when talking to them, because they are the "parents" that every child should fear. Well, no wonder I was shy since I was a kid. This woman is really trying to do everything to keep me on a leash, it disgusts me that I share the same blood as her.
September 21st 2024:
This is crazy, she did not keep her promise, I guess she took my words as lies, I mean, I am not going to force her to talk to me, but damn girl, that hurts. I wonder what happened for her to change during these few years, because the contrast is striking. Three years ago she wasn't like that. Well, people change, that's how it is. I kept my promise to her, and I think now it is time for us to part ways, she has chosen this school, she will study there for five years, that's the future she has chosen.
My friend kept telling me that I will find love, that I am still young, those words made me think, maybe I will find that, maybe I deserve that. Stop, you have been delusional for a while now, wake up, you are the last person to deserve love, no matter how big your heart is, you will remain unlovable. People in this world during these times do not appreciate kindness, especially when it comes from the wrong person, and you are the wrong person here, for everyone. So, do not think about getting love again, you will just keep lying to yourself.
Fuck I have to bring something again in the middle of the night. My sister did not follow the plan, why can't she listen to a word I am saying? It was simple, stay in the elevator so that no one takes it and we can send those chairs straight to home. But no, she doesn't listen and she keeps making life harder for both of us.
I want to go kart racing tomorrow, but I don't think they will agree, I only need to keep working, this is tiring.
September 26th 2024:
I keep getting ignored by the people I love, it is time for me to let go of them. If they don't find time to talk to me, or just plainly ignoring me, I will stop bothering them. The girl I loved and did everything for her to be happy is ignoring my existence, the same scenario as last time, I guess my happiness was short-lived when I thought that she wouldn't ghost me. The girl that said that she cared about me only answers from time to time, only when she feels like it, what is she trying to do? I need someone to talk to about this, to keep talking for hours and just let everything out, this book is not enough anymore. What have I done to be this despicable to others? I don't think I can answer that question accurately, many reasons are coming through my head right now, and none of them are making sense. Or has everything been happening in a illogical way? I need answers.