September 29th 2024:
I am literally trying to get an organ failure at this point, I stopped eating regularly, eating whatever whenever, I can stop eating for hours, or a whole day, and play intense sport for hours to further drain my energy. I am trying to kill myself before next year, I will try crossing the road in that knocked down state when I do not eat anything, my reflexes will get dull and the car might eventually hit me, I just have to hope that I own't get any adrenaline in that life or death situation. Keeping a promise surely does drain you.
My dad wants me to see his parents, it has been more than three years since the last time we saw them, maybe it's less but he keeps claiming that it is three years. I do not want to meet them, it's a toxic family, going there makes me sick, I do not feel comfortable around them, and he keeps forcing me to do this. I will stall for time, I already have a ton of work, going there, staying there and going back will take time, might as well just go play something in the way, but I do not have time for that. I will go back working on what I started, it is too difficult and talking about this problem made me lose my focus, fuck, they are a pain in the ass.
September 30th 2024:
A whole month has gone by, and still nothing, everything just feels dull, who would have thought? This is very ironic, nothing ever goes as planned, no matter how you keep thinking about it. This should end, my mind is barely able to understand what is happening right now, and the scenarios are getting worse as time goes on, I will go get back to work, this is the only thing I have to do for now.
October 1st 2024:
It's strange how each time I open this story and start writing, I go from happy to fucking sad in a matter of seconds. It's as if I recall each word and event that I have written until now, and trust me, remembering everything does make you wonder whether you should end it all right now or not. I need to drink something, I am very thirsty right now.
October 2nd 2024:
My sleeping problems are increasing, I can't stay fully awake, sleep is controlling my day and I fucking hate to be controlled. I should get back to getting vitamins, it wakes me up, and I don't sleep in class or can't work afterwards. I just have to convince them, they already don't care about my health when it comes to sleeping so this should be an easy task, right?
I talked to her, she is staying in that school, she seems happy, excited, I am happy for her, I still wanted her to stay here, she has her friends and won't have a problem to make friends, but there, well, I just hope she gets along with them, staying away from your parents at such a young age with no knowledge about cooking is very challenging. Yes, she can't cook, her father had to come with her so that she doesn't starve. I don't know if I should check on her regularly, I might disturb her like that.
October 3rd 2024:
I am starting to forget her, this is good, I am moving on. I understood my problem, I lacked caring, and I fell in love with her because she cared about me. This wasn't love, neither the one before, I just fell for that kindness. Now that I sorted out my feelings, and I know what I should do now. I will not look for love, and I will not care about it anymore, it is time for me to forget this feeling, no matter how warm it seems to be, no matter how great it seems to be, I shouldn't fall for it again. I will stay from every girl I know, even her, she read some of this and she might read this but still, even if I had feelings for her but still, I need to heal, to know myself better, and I think this is the way. I might need the therapist to get to know more, I will talk to her tomorrow if everything goes as planned.
She asked a very funny question, she asked if I had a person like me, older, than can help me with work. I don't have friends that are older than me, if they are we study the same things, and we both are busy, she doesn't understand that I help her because I care about her. I don't know any older guys, and even if I did, they do not care about me like I do for her, she is comparing two different situations, very different situations.
She said something that felt like, well, how do I call it? The end? The farewell? I don't know but it seemed strange, maybe I am overthinking it but, it did feel strange. I am getting sleepy again, I will go wash my face with some cold water, that might wake me up for good, I might drink some cold water too, I need to stay awake, I need to end this work tonight.
I am almost done with this work, I might wake up tomorrow early to take a shower, and work on other things, I should get my vitamins, they really are helpful in these situations, I will let them know about that. Hopefully they will get it and not get angry and start yelling again, they are quite angry lately.