October 5th 2024:
I am oversleeping, this is too much, I can't focus anymore with work, each time I start working on something, I feel tired, I looked for the causes and it doesn't sound good, I need to see a doctor, but with my parents like mine and hospitals here, I don't think I will get an accurate diagnosis, maybe the day I will be left to rot is coming near.
This woman is getting crazier, always wants to be the center of attention, always wants people to do as she says, and thinks that no one is better than her, when clearly, she needs therapist, a team of therapists.
The indecisiveness is killing me, I don't know what to do, even if I have a lot to do, I am tired, bored, sad, angry, all at once, and yet I feel nothing, I want to cry but I can't, I want to talk but to who? I want to feel alive but how? I hate this, I hate everything, I hate them, I hate her, I hate him, I hate me, I want to finish this, I am seriously thinking of killing myself right now, I have the famous scissor right in front me, I only need one good stab and everything will end, my parents are not here, they will come home early, my sister is working, with her door locked, I just need to do one good stab, one good shot, right in the guts, right where it hurts, right where it will end everything instantly. If only I could hire someone to kill me, he would end me without me noticing, a good and peaceful death, is this even possible here?
I have one request, I want to feel something, I feel empty, I want happiness, anger, pain, I want to feel anything, doesn't matter the way, I want to feel, I have no one to talk to, no one answers, I am an outcast of this society, no matter how many good things I do, everyone seems to despise my existence. They are aware of how I feel, and yet they don't do anything, forcing me to fight those voices over and over again. I don't think this loop will break, as long as I am alive, this emptiness will continue to grow, until it consumes me whole.
October 6th 2024:
I guess I did feel something today, anger, sadness, rage, my wish didn't take long to get granted. This mother hates me, I will surely not eat for while. I will go see the therapist tomorrow, I will tell her my decision. It happened so fast, and yet, it made me really angry. She kept saying that I am a liar, she kept yelling, insulting, provoking my father so that he hits me, she did everything to hurt me, she hates me. She will do everything to win, even if it means losing her family, and she will lose it, she will lose everything, once everyone reads this story, family, friends, they will get to know this side of this family, and when that happens, I will be dead. Either killed myself, or someone did. I need the scissors, I need that wound to be open again, I must do it, I must get my revenge on them. She keeps comparing me to others, the better ones, then I get to compare her to other mothers too, right? Of course I don't get that, she is the mother, the person who gave birth to me, I must bow to her greatness and submit to any of her desires. I will look into the dangerous things to eat while starving, I want to destroy my body, I want to make them suffer, I want them to beg me to stop, I want to see them in pain, psychological pain, I want to see them cry, I want them to feel what I felt, I want them to know how awful they are, and my death is the only way to do that. A suicide is even better, they will ask themselves those questions, those guilt-tripping questions that will surely give them a lesson on how to properly raise a child. I will be happy, don't worry, but that will happen when I will get to see those faces.
It has been a few hours since I have eaten something, and if I continue like that, I can easily reach the twenty four hours mark. They can't stop me now, I will choose my end, one where it highlights the shitty life I have been going through for many years. Maybe I will strangle myself tomorrow too, I need the pain, and it will hurt them. No one is going to save me, no one, because everyone had already forgotten about what I was going through, about my thoughts, about what I did. Everyone forgot, even her, the person that I thought really cared for me, I am bound to kill myself, and this week, it will be my final move. I have the rope, I have the chair, I have the hook, I have the will, all what I need to do is die. Some said that they will cry when I will die, I wonder if it is true, I guess I will get to see the truth this week. I am crazy, that's a fact, being raised by them made me the man I am right now, and I didn't get any treatment or help from anyone, I was always hurt. When I remember those scenes, my eyes keeps widening, and I have a small smile, and I can't change this expression unless I force myself to stop, but it keeps coming back, is this craziness? Madness? Or just trauma?