October 7th 2024:
I talked to the therapist today, she told me to start changing, to stop convincing them, to stop thinking about the future too much, because that what's making me sad, I will try. She said that I put myself in this state, this craziness, because I accepted it, and I didn't change to fight back, it is my fault, and I should start changing if I want to survive. This did not help me.
October 10th 2024:
Today is my sister's birthday, I called my father, since her phone is broken, and he told me he didn't buy the cake as he usually does, because he is angry at her, so no birthday for her. I told him to pass the phone to her, but he hung up. He called later, and it was her on the phone, she was crying, with a shaky voice, she didn't tell me the details, but I promised her to help her when I come. I think it was about her broken phone, the screen started falling off and it stopped working. She told me that she asked mother to go together and buy a phone with her own money but she refused, I think this is what escalated to today. When I will come, I will be sure that everything is alright, and that she get a new phone.
October 11th 2024:
This is crazy, my father hit her, he slapped her and pushed her, my mother broke her chair with her foot, they did all of this within one week. I talked with my aunt about this, we will buy her a new phone, a better one, and I talked my father into buying the birthday cake, I will get everything right, even if they are against me, even if they were to hit me, even if they were to kill me, I will protect her, that is my job as the older sibling.
We had the cake, nothing bad happened, everything went good, this is good.
October 14th 2024:
I keep remembering the words my friend said to me, that I should look for what fills my empty soul, and not what completes it. I didn't get it at first, it was confusing, I thought it meant the same, but I somehow get it. I need to do something for me, I need to do it, not someone else, to congratulate myself with this happiness and carefulness, and not wait for an outsider to give it to me. So this is self-love, I feel great, ow that I realized this, I feel alive, I can go work now, I can do something now, I feel alive right now.
October 15th 2024:
We ate ice cream together after a long time. We walked the same path, without her, and it meant a lot for me, a new start. Each time she passes by me, no one talks, no one looks, pure strangers, that's life. I had fun, laughed a lot, played in the rain, it was beautiful. I moved on, for good.
October 18th 2024:
I am starting to delete some people I have considered as friends from my life, they don't treat me like I am their friend then why should I? Some choose to ignore me, some choose to talk to me, and I will get to choose who stays. I didn't talk to her for a while, I mean, I kept my promise, I stayed until she got into the school she wanted, got into the clubs she likes, made some friends there, I think I did what I was supposed to do, I kept my promise, that's what a good guy does.
I might have solved my sister's phone issue, I think we will be buying a new one for her very soon, I am happy, I am a good big brother now, I think I redeemed myself, I will still fight for her, and help her, I don't want her to feel more pain as long as I am alive.
October 20th 2024:
Another problem with mother, we kept yelling, she didn't like being in the wrong, she kept yelling, I got angrier, my dad was getting mad, I got back to cutting my chest again, it healed me, I wonder why I stopped, it feels so refreshing, the pain was enjoyable. I can't stand her anymore, it is always my word against her, each conversation is about who is right, I don't think we ever got to talk like a normal family, she kept destroying it, what a person. I feel sleepy but I still feel pain, I want to talk about it, I wished I had someone who will just keep listening to my suffering and be there for me, but I am unlikable, who would waste his precious time trying to comfort an asshole like me?
This mother is really trying to die alone and no one visits her grave, I mean, she searched for it, we warned her about what will be happening if she continues, but she ignored it, as always, she is the all-knowing person who doesn't need any help or such, she already knows everything. I hate her when she does it, it makes her nonredeemable, and even if she were to say sorry a thousand times, it wouldn't be enough, it wouldn't satisfy anybody, the damage she did is far greater than a small apology. We want to see suffering, payback, revenge, pain, everything that goes with vengeance.
The wound is really red, scars started to form but this isn't the end, I will get back to cutting this chest, it is the best way to feel such pain. I will go to sleep, my head isn't functioning correctly, I already did too many mistakes while writing, I guess sleeping is what I need now.
October 22nd 2024:
We bought the phone, the phone my sister wanted, I am happy for her, I did my job, I am relieved.