June 26th 2023:
I've always thought I screwed up, that I'm a failure, but here I am, I'm accepted in this school, on the main seats, I'm very happy, very happy, I didn't feel this happiness for so long.
June 29th 2023:
People never wondered why I always want to be friend with them, always close to them, always special to them, simply, it's because I know how replaceable I am, they can easily find someone else to befriend, but me, only the fact that I might never see them hurts me so much that I want to die, why does she not feel this, maybe because she already has a lot of friends, best friends, happiness, I have a few, a handful, and I can lose them anytime, just the fact that maybe in 8 years she will marry someone else hurts me, seems ridiculous right, I know, I'm just a big asshole dreaming of love but cannot even help himself, I really want someone to love me back as much as I love them.
I'm still wondering, that day when we travelled to Marrakesh, and had that accident, why I didn't die, why I couldn't just pass out that day, why couldn't something get into my eye I let it open during that accident, is god wanting me to stay alive? what am I still going to give to this world? am I really that good person people see? I'm still wondering.
Do I really deserve this death that I'm always dreaming of? Do I deserve this salvation? I feel really low, and that person has no idea, as usual.
June 30th 2023:
They called me sick, mentally ill, a cunt who doesn't listen to what's said, but why? Maybe because I didn't like the part where they started to talk about asking my best friend for work from his next school, which is better than mine, it's basically using him for my own purposes, using my friendship for growing, and that's not the definition of friendship that I have in mind, we are growing both, and helping each other, not taking from one side, that's being pragmatic, and if they are like that, no wonder they don't have friends to hang out with.
July 2nd 2023:
I'm getting tired of this nonsense, if I don't sleep, you need to sleep later, but now, if I don't sleep, it's good, since that's what I'll be doing for the next 5 years as they say, they never have been through this, they only heard this, and yet they make it their strongest belief. The only love I got by my parents had the form of '' praising '', I do good, I get praised, I feel loved, but now I didn't get praised, which I understand because of the failure I am, so I don't feel loved, if a girl praises me as an act of kindness, I may fall in love for her, which happened, and now I'm stuck, again, again, and again. You see, this right here is nonsense, I've been writing this nonsense for more than three months, which amplifies the nonsense that resides in my brain, and gets me crazier over time. Even cutting my chest isn't worth it anymore, I feel like I should go for a no eating program that will surely get me killed in the next days, but I can't do that too, they keep saying either I eat or I get my ass beaten, they still beat an 18-year-old, funny right.
July 3rd 2023:
It seems that I can finish an exam very quickly, but sadness still overcomes my feelings, I'm not seeing the void anymore, I'm feeling it, I think that, if this little automatic muscle of mine that keeps me alive breaks once again, I'm not going to be the same, all the failure that I had accumulated during my lifetime will rest on my shoulders, and healing myself once again won't be possible, coincidence love is meant to hurt, always, always.
I don't think I should bring her name here, if someone reads this, they will suspect her for something, I don't want to hurt her, but I'm feeling like I do it, and that she sees me as someone who just keeps hurting, I'm not like that, I never wanted to be seen like that.
July 5th 2023:
I should really think if I'm seeking for love or for pain, because now, it hurts very much, they are laughing, I'm sad, they noticed it, they said nothing, hurts very much, painful, I hate it, I got to talk to her when we will be walking, I need to understand, what I'm feeling, pain, or love.
But will she want to talk, I don't think she wants, who will talk to a stranger, and tell them things about themselves, I'm not angry, but sad, I need to calm down, again.
We might not walk, the teacher may bring me some stuff I need, and I will either wait for him in school, or go with him, and in both cases, she won't wait, she will just go, as she never trusted me, ever.
Yeah no, I won't be walking with her today, I'm quite sad now.
July 6th 2023:
I told my dearest friend of the failure that my parents see in me, she just called me a failure, because my phone is next to me, which means a lot of things, first, she was never proud, second, she never trusted me, third, she hates me, so, how is my life going, adding that to the fact, a girl I love doesn't see me as a friend, rather a stranger, and no, I'm not killing myself, I will just tear my chest apart once again, blood came out, I had to stop, or they will see, they will yell, at their failure.
July 8th 2023:
I have this internal monologue, which keeps asking me the same question for a while now, which is '' who do you want to kill '', I really don't know why this is happening, but, if I answer this question, I might really target that person.
July 10th 2023:
I confirmed with the teacher our trip to the north, I hope she can go too, I really want her to go, she must feel tired, she keeps shaking her legs in the middle of the class, playing nervously with her pen, maybe I'm being a delusional, but that's what a stressed and overwhelmed person do, she keeps daydreaming, I really hope she is okay. It doesn't matter whether she hates me or not, whether she loves me or not, this concerns her health, her mental health, and I'll do anything in my power to make her feel even slightly better.
I said I wanted to go out, they kept me waiting for more than one hour, they woke me up in my sleep, and yelling why I don't want to go, I've wanted to go when I had its energy, now there is none, they call me a bad son, and if it's true, I'm officially the biggest failure of history, I might just go to the next level, and start tearing apart my chest until blood comes out.
My eyes got the problem where the lights at night seem larger, I don't know if I explained it right, but yeah, this concludes in my terrible eye condition.
Never mind it was good, I passed a good time.
July 12th 2023:
Today was special, we went to the back of the school, she took a picture of me playing around a tree, I joked with her during class, when I walked with her she showed a picture of her class when she was still young, she asked me to show her where she was, as well as other friends, when I found her face, she started jumping happily, as if she was genuinely happy, she made my day, that smile and that laugh, she really made my day.
July 15th 2023:
I just realised that I still have 4 days until we will go apart, I'm sad. I think that not seeing her will just make me feel bad, a lot. We talked about the wedding she attended, I liked it.
July 16th 2023:
I will see her two more times, and then, and then what. I'm here having tears because I hate goodbyes, saying it to any person I love, is like tearing a piece of my own flesh, I don't want to say goodbye, not to her, not to the brothers I made along the way, I just don't want to, getting attached does make feel bad when it comes to not being attached anymore.
I just want her to remember, she had a friend, that will walk with her home, buy her something to eat if she didn't get lunch, ask about her, worry about her, and that he will always keep her in his mind.
July 20th 2023:
Another emotional burst, so watch what happened. Yesterday I gave her a birthday present, a bit early but I won't be able to give her the book on the exact day, a third party member, her friend, whom she had known for more than 4 years, and I guess he likes her and maybe they like each other, didn't like the fact that I gave her the book, and now I'm mad, angry, because I saw him as my brother, and me now stuck with this, her getting cold with me, I'M GOING BACK TO THE BEGINNING, I KNEW THAT GIRL WILL EITHER BE THE GIRL I'LL ALWAYS LOVE, OR THE STORY I WILL TELL MY SON WHEN HE WILL BE CRYING IN THE TOILET ABOUT A GIRL.
It has been almost 6h30 since I ate something, I don't feel hungry, but I need to eat, I didn't do any work today, I won't do any work, I need time to see what I'll do, why I never thought that loving again would be a bad idea.
She will be story I'll tell my son about. I'm the problem, no relationship between them, I'm just a delusional.
July 21st 2023:
It has been a while since I cried like that, pretty much a long time, it does hurt, however, I feel relieved, good, happy, maybe I'll move on, maybe I'll stay.
July 22nd 2023:
It is so cold, I felt her being colder, I'm not her friend anymore, a regular classmate that will soon disappear.
We took the tram, I asked her about what happened, and why the distance, she said that she only takes and receives gifts from really close people, and me giving her the gift, she processed, I gave her a gift, but she only takes it from close people, she thinks that I think that I'm close to her, she has to set boundaries, and now I'm left here, I asked her about why buying me something to eat that day, she said she always does that, nothing special to her, now she made me understand, I'm not special, I'm a pass-by person, nothing more.
July 23rd 2023:
Now a new sentence keeps popping up in my head, which is '' disappear now and watch what happens '', now I have a question, for you who are reading this, because if you're reading this, you're either a close friend of mine, or a police officer investigating on my disappearing, '' how would it make you feel if one day I disappeared, and no sign of me will be available for many years? ''.
July 24th 2023:
Since when is giving a gift to someone, destroys the relationship you built with them, I have no idea how it's even possible, but it is, it happened, and now I'm confused, I thought giving her this will build up more trust, it ended up destroying everything, maybe this isn't for me, it does hurt, and my body's reaction to this pain is just sleep, because, I can dream for a better future, and yeah I started to have dreams again, it has been a while with all those empty nights, as soon as you fall asleep, you wake up, to the alarm, and start living again, a cursed way of life, that not even the most masochist person can endure it all his life, even though he does love torture. I don't know if I'll continue writing, I have these ideas to stop, but I can't, I have to finish this, so that each person who knew me, knows the real me.
July 26th 2023:
I'm starting to feel a bit committed to write this, I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but all I know, this is time for me to let go, it has been many months, since December 2022, now, it is time to let go. I did what I could, now, time to focus on other things, studies, work, future, no more things like what I had felt, what I see now as illusions, now the real thing, the future, I need to work hard for it, or I won't be able to achieve that goal. Once a panda asked, '' What do you need to care about the most, the goal or the journey? '' the little dragon answered '' Company '', I will indeed let go, but I will keep the brothers I made until now, they are honest, they help, and they are here for me.