August 27th 2023:
I feel like I'm going in circles, I'm hating those parents, those liars, I hate them, you are inviting people today because I got my baccalaureate, it means you are happy, but no, you just want to follow the rule, he got his baccalaureate, we need to celebrate, so people stop talking about it, I hate this, so much, they are liars. I didn't have much sleep, when they woke me up and told me to get something from outside, I told them I didn't have much sleep, she yelled that she doesn't care, sleep or don't, get me that, work on maths or don't, you're going to help us preparing. And it's not like we're going to invite outsiders, it's close family, I don't understand them, I hate these parents. Unfortunately, these raising methods are now stuck in my brain, if by any chance, in the far future, I have a kid, he might write the same story that I'm writing now, I don't want my kid to have the grudge that I have, I think of one thing, vengeance, unfortunately, I might even destroy my future to make them suffer, this is how much I hate them. Even showing their love to me, is a joke to them, showing love is buying something expensive, I don't know where they got this, but this is nonsense, now I don't speak to dad, soon I won't speak to mom, when I'll get into that school, and live there, I won't contact anyone. Just me, my roommates, and my books.
August 30th 2023:
We're now in the summer house, I'll spend a few days here and then start to work, start to study, my cousin didn't come today, so I don't have to meet people now, I don't hate meeting people but it takes a lot of energy for me to talk, hear, feel embarrassed and shut up each time I open my mouth. I'm sitting here alone, writing this, what a great relief, loneliness is somehow a blessing and a curse, depends on if you choose it, if you choose to be lonely, that's happiness, if you don't, that's sadness. Which means I'm happy, I think, I'm happy, I have chosen this path, I should be happy. Nothing but confusion is fuelling me right now, I want to walk but sit at the same time, I want to talk but stay alone at the same time, I'm a very weird person to deal with, that's a general truth.
August 31st 2023:
A friend of mine, is talking about her awful story, it's somehow worse than mine, which, unfortunately, and I hate to say it, I feel somehow relieved, I'm not the worst case, and I don't need to cut my chest, even though I stopped a while ago, and in the same time, I remember everything, I thought it was good, I forgot her voice, forgot some things about her, but now it came back, I hate it, I hate it, it hurts, but I need to calm down. Just need to think about this day, we went to the beach, I liked the sea, the waves, it was good, just keep thinking about this, just keep remembering this, just keep seeing this in your mind, NOT HER FACE, NO, STOP, yes, the beach, the waves, you sliding in the waves, doing it better than anyone, yeah like this, good. Peace of mind, that's what I feel now, just keep seeing this.
After more than a month without writing anything, the Writer has chosen to stop, stop this story sharing, and maybe restart it after he ends what's restraining him to continue, maybe then, he'll come back, to continue this unfinished story. See you soon, dear reader.
Many, many months later...
March 8th 2024:
I'm back, for today, because it is, again, an emotional bomb that I'm willing to let it explode here. To help you understand where I've been, I'm now studying a very hard and strict program, writing here continuously is not possible. I'm living in the dorms, and I come back home for the weekend each Friday, so today, I'm going back, and I asked my father to go watch the sea, as to relieve some stress from these hard challenges I am facing, before going back home, on our way , mom called, she asked me where I was, I didn't know, she called me a liar, flash forward to us coming home, she wet the floor, calling me a liar again, when I explained her what happened with all details, she remained silent, and I kept watching her, she yelled '' what '', I asked her '' why did u call me a liar? '' she answered '' well, aren't you a liar? ", I was flabbergasted, she already considered me a liar, wow, my own mom always saw me as a liar, well, then why do you love me mother?
Repeating '' I'm not a liar '' for a while made it worse, I'm looking at this mirror and telling to that reflection '' you're not a liar ''. I am indeed going insane, I am considering seeing my grandmother tomorrow, without her knowing this of course.
I just had a fantasy, me with my bloody arms, writing on the wall '' Not a Liar '', and collapsing on the floor, for my parents to find out after a few hours, and mother still denying that she did something.
March 9th 2024:
Ironic how I started this book last year, coming back the same month, I am bound to this devilish book, the spiral of madness is still converging to one point: insanity. She calmed down since yesterday, she still never said "sorry", and I am still hurt.
March 15th 2024:
I have been thinking about my future, what I did until now, and I can only conclude one thing, I hate her, I feel betrayed, I should have died that day, that accident on the highway, I should have died, I shouldn't have put that seatbelt, my cousin shouldn't have protected me, I should have been thrown out of that car and let that truck hit me, I do not understand why I'm still alive, I deserve to die, to suffer, to feel only pain since love is not achievable, not even cutting my chest relieves me anymore, death is the only solution, I'm writing on this laptop and my fingers are trembling when they realize what I've written, atrocities, terrors, that even a grown man that might have seen it all won't say a word but keep crying. I want to cry but I can't, these tears will only remind me of that day, the day she left me and forgot me and got me questioning my own existence that was once revolving around her, my body trembles. Dear reader, remember, revolve your life around goals, great goals, not people, mortals. Ideas remain, humans do not.
March 16th 2024:
Next week I have a football match, we're up against the champions from the last tournament, my team somehow doesn't trust me, I might have become dull, I still have some reflexes but jumping is quite a difficult task for me, but I wish to win. I will command this team, they must listen and fight, otherwise, we will lose, again.
March 17th 2024:
I talked to an old friend of mine that I have been ignoring for quite a while, since November if I recall. She kept insisting on venting on her, who does she think I am, a woman like her that keep talking and talking about problems to people to feel better? I only talk to you, dear reader, you are the one that I wish to share to with my story. You may call me cruel for leaving that person hung up on me since I might be the one to save her from killing herself back in 2021, but as my father said, "do good things and forget about them". I will be quite curious to see whether people will recognize some of the lines here when I'll be talking to them, but only one person on this planet has a great part of this story, a good friend of mine that I do not wish to lose, and if, perhaps, you reached this part in your reading, I want to thank you for everything you did for me until now, as long as I live, I will never forget your kindness brother, and I will tell your story to my descendants as well, so as to keep your memory alive. Humans do not die unless everyone forgot about them, and I wish that you will not die, brother.
My sister had a huge argument with my parents a few moments ago, she hates me now, more than ever, and I do not blame her, I am a bad brother to her, death is indeed the only solution.
You might say that I am a hypocrite, do not want to be forgotten and asking people to forget me, I too find it strange, that I think like that, I do not want my memories to disappear from this mortal world, but I want some people to forget that I existed, to make their life better. She is somehow dependent on me and often tries to make both our lives tied to each other, is this obsession? Love? She shouldn't love me, as I might just disappear one day or another, hopefully she will forget about my existence, because I am but a passer-by in her life, nothing more.
And if you are asking, that previous love forgot about my birthday, even though she promised, I guess promises are made to be broken. But I did not forget about her birthday, because that day is still special to me, why do I keep remembering her? Maybe so she doesn't die in my mind, but I am dead in hers, is it really worth it to stay like this? Loving someone that considers you nothing more than a stranger, and even she loves someone already, I might just forget her now, I do not want to end up crying like that day again.
I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I'LL FORGET HER FOREVER, I SHALL NOT REMEMBER YOU, I SHALL DROP YOUR MEMORIES DOWN THE PIT OF HELL, I HATE YOU.
March 20th 2024:
The football match was good, we won, barely, we did too many mistakes, so they did, that was the only reason of our success, otherwise, failure was the only outcome. I feel that I finally started to forget that girl, she started her journey of forgetting me, I shall start too and move on, this is the only way for my soul to feel a bit of peace. But, I do not feel better, I've searched the meaning of these behaviours, I may have fallen into a deep depression, the spiral of madness is maybe what waits for me at the end of this road, I do feel a bit crazy sometimes, talking to myself as if I were too many people, and even feeling a bit paranoid thinking that people are watching me, I'm getting suspicious of everyone, this is not good, I'm starting to have trust issues like a certain person that treats everyone as liars.
March 21st 2024:
I had a fight again with my parents, I feel like all my work is crumbling down the same way empires have fallen, no matter how you try to save it, it will remain only as a brief memory in times, unless, you make a mark in this history. She seemed to have forgotten everything, leaving me questioning my existence, my purpose in life, my future, she tries each time to tell me that, if only she said it a bit better, now I feel rage, again. This feeling empowering these hands of mine to write such long and tiring paragraphs, people might question my sanity, such as roommates, classmates, family, but I do feel pleasure writing this, this will maybe be my purpose in life, writing this story, leaving a mark in this mortal world that will eventually perish one day. If I remembered correctly, an old classmate of mine had this dream too, leaving a mark in history, by writing books. I wonder if I copied that too? Since all these traits of character that I possess are nothing more but traits I had picked, I had chosen, I had liked, but where is "me" in this? Where is "my" personality? Who am I? I wish to find these answers sooner or later, maybe when doing so I'll feel better, which isn't always the case. I had always thought I will feel happiness when reaching a goal, which happened long ago, but now I only feel emptiness when reaching my goals, this is very confusing, absurd, and doesn't feel right at all. The logic which this world follows will always make me wonder, why the hell are we just living, like animals, eating and breeding, maybe a bit of science, but our country is far underdeveloped to do so.
March 22nd 2024:
First time writing here in public, I'm quite scared, I am not used to do such things, as I always write when I am alone. I showed a friend of mine my work, this story, not the content, that is, yeah, scary, I only showed him how much I've written on the course of these months, thousands of words, thousands of meaning, and mostly, tired fingers. Maybe this book will continue for many months to come, as my mental health isn't in a good shape, because, if you have forgotten, this lines are only meant for psychological relief, and you are here reading these lines bearing with me this suffering, are you perhaps a masochist? Even after many problems and many feelings, negative feelings, you are still here trying to understand me? I do wish for my story to be understood, shared, so that the world does not forget me, and my mark in history shall last for many centuries, I hope.
March 23rd 2024:
I AM BACK, THE MASOCHIST WITH WOUNDS ON HIS CHEST IS BACK, ONLY BLOOD AND SUFFERING ARE WHAT WILL ACCOMPANY ME THROUGHOUT MY JOURNEY, AND ONLY DEATH SHALL ROAM AROUND ME, I WILL KEEP ON DOING THIS TILL THE DAY MY SOUL GIVES UP, THIS IS THE PATH I HAVE CHOSEN, AND THEY WILL SURELY REGRET IT, BECAUSE THEY WILL ONLY HEAR "NO" UNTIL I DIE, NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO THEY WILL NOT CHANGE THIS FATE, A FATE I HAVE CHOSEN. I do feel like I have a split personality, sometimes I'm rather calm, cheerful, sometimes I'm like this, wishing for me and for people to die, hurting myself till my skin gives up, I am not normal anymore, I am not normal, I'll just finish my days in a lone home staring all day at a certain gun and wondering if I should shoot myself or not. My parents hate me, they think I am a liar, they take exceptions for reality, maybe I shall do the same to them, maybe they will perceive how this behaviour made me the way I am, a crazy kid that cuts himself to solve his problems. Dear reader, if you happen to encounter such problems with your parents, don't hesitate to show them this book, they will understand what atrocities they have been doing for a long time. I cannot start work, I feel an urge to write here but I do not know how to express this anger, something is missing, and I cannot find it.
She is trying to laugh it off, I won't, I took my decision, and I will continue on doing this until I mentally break down and cannot continue writing this, and if something happened to me that will make me unable to write, I will entrust someone to do it, he will type my words, as long as I'm breathing, this book, this story, will not end. Even if I were to stop for months, weeks, I will come back here, to share my story, so bear it with me, dear reader, I think there will be more suffering for me, and more enjoyment for you.
I am tired of that nonsense of "you're lying", "you're believing your own lies", the biggest lie was that you, parents, trusted me, you do not, you never did since I was born, and I really hate you for it.
They are threatening me again, these parents know nothing but threats, will use their power each time they see themselves at a disadvantage, a coward's strategy that knows his words are full of contradictions, such measures cannot be efficient. Futile, they do not wish to believe what I say, they do not want to, I hate them, they treated me as a liar, well, they are liars too. Keeping secrets from one another, that's what lying is, every sentence they say, has a great lie, they cannot deny this, because if they did, it will be the greatest lie humanity ever heard.
They never considered any of my efforts, I do feel hatred, when I close my eyes, I see those devils of mine mocking me, these parents will definitely regret this, I will fake my own death and I'll let them wonder where I am, this is what they deserve for making me feel like the biggest failure they ever had, it will be only a long road filled with revenge, this mother of mine doesn't know what I'm capable of when it comes to planning how to make people disappear, or making their life a living hell. I heard, a while ago, her yelling at my grandmother on the phone, why the hell are you demanding respect from me, as my mother, when you disrespect your mother and keep telling her that she did nothing for you, this is an unacceptable behavior, and I will not tolerate it. I found a new purpose, I will show the world your "other" face, mother, and trust me, people will not like it, thus, you who always tried to keep your image somehow good, will be so dirty that a fly will avoid it, my revenge is going to feel good, like really good.
March 24th 2024:
Ironically, father orders me to not judge my mother, to say nothing bad about her, since she is a "perfect" being, what the hell is going on in this house, do they even know that this word belongs to a higher dimension which we will never reach as long as we're alive? All what I see here are hypocrites, hiding behind such good acts, they are no better than the people using fake business to hide the real work, I feel ashamed, having such family. I had this fantasy that I was adopted, and my original parents, dead, left me with huge wealth and now relatives are looking for me. This idea was further emphasized when, at a certain ceremony, they talked about a family of three with a new-born that were attacked near our old house, the parents died, and the kid survived, with a broken arm. The problem is, I have an "old" broken arm, when I did an X-ray diagnosis on it, they found some deformities in it, that looked like a broken one. Maybe this is true, I could now leave this family and live a better life.
She came now in my room telling me that they decided I won't stay anymore in the dorms, I will stay there, even if it means starving. I wonder what she feels when she decided something like that, I am definitely starting to hate this house more than ever.
I keep feeling tired, is it perhaps hunger? Lack of sleep? What matters is my head will explode if I continue like this, and this is not good, a burn out right now will cause nothing more but damage to my sanity, if only sleep was possible now, I cannot remain awake anymore, this is not good, I am trying to keep my eyes open with music, instead they keep on closing, this is not good, I need to stay awake, awake, don't sleep, remain awake, stay awake.
March 25th 2024:
If she treats me as a liar, I won't treat her as my mom anymore, a mere parent that never trusted that son of hers, I hate her, she never believed me, she always saw as a liar, when I'll die, earlier than everyone expected, I would really love to see those tears of yours running down your face, knowing very well that you killed your son, and you ended this family, and you will lose everyone's respect, and be seen as a terrible mother, which pushed her son to end up like this, you are a terrible mother, and you should die, you should disappear, leave this world and let people live peacefully, you are an awful person, I hate you, you keep acting like a religious person with your prayers, but your personality is looking worse than a Zionist killing kids for breakfast, I hate you, I will hate you as long as I live, horrible mother, I hate you, I hate your constant doubts, doubting everyone even the closest people to you, you are a bad person, not that I am good, but you are worse than me, your death is more valuable to this world than my disappearance, I hate you, I will not love you anymore, bad mother, not trustworthy, you keep lying so that people see you as a good person, I hate you, I hate you, I will not trust you anymore, I can't even cut my chest here peacefully since roommates are here, I'll need to go to the toilet and close the door peacefully, I need to calm down, and those wounds are my medicine, my cure, that blood makes me feel good, and that pain snaps me back to that great trance where only pain and me are enjoying this hellish life, look what you had done, mother, you made your son addicted to that again, watch how this life will end, watch carefully, it will be beautiful, so beautiful only red will decorate my body, and a bloody scissor in my hand shall be what I cut myself with. I hate you mother, and remember, you made me, you raised me, and here I am, hoping for your existence to cease, and hoping for mine to disappear, I hate you, I, hate, you.