Chapter 87 Before the Dawn

Translated by Twelve_Months_of_May

Mom, don’t leave me here all alone.

Gu Mingxi became Xu Shuanghua’s fourth student. Xu Shuanghua was very busy so Gu Mingxi couldn’t visit him every day. The two of them decided to meet twice over the weekend in the afternoons, and Xu Shuanghua would tutor Gu Mingxi one on one.

Gu Mingxi had listened in on Xu Shuanghua’s lectures at the Art Institute. He wasn’t very enthusiastic and spoke in a very straight-laced manner. In his drawing lessons in the studio though, he was very patient and attentive. But when only Gu Mingxi and Xu Shuanghua were left in the studio, this master turned very strict.

Xu Shuanghua didn’t worry that Gu Mingxi had to draw with his feet. In his eyes, whether you drew with you feet, your hands, or your mouth, it was all the same.

He gave Gu Mingxi ruthless critiques, turning his drawings into worthless things. Gu Mingxi just lowered his head in silence. When Xu Shuanghua was done scolding him, he would put on his cold face and continue pointing out Gu Mingxi’s deficiencies.

Xu Shuanghua’s temper was a bit strange. When he was angry, he was very angry. After he calmed down, he would treat Gu Mingxi very amiably. In front of others, Xu Shuanghua was always a cold person with elegant features. But Gu Mingxi realized that this teacher treated him with the concern and care of a father.

When he wasn’t practicing drawing and when he didn’t need to go to the Art Institute, Gu Mingxi still went to that peddler stall on the bridge. His emotions had brightened up, as if things were finally moving forward. Li Han’s illness was very stable, and at her three month checkup, there were no signs of tumor growth. Her spirit had also gotten a lot better. After the final round of chemotherapy, she planned to return to Z City to recuperate.

Gu Mingxi was a bit nervous about how to tell Xu Shuanghua this. He had to return to Z City with his mother. After her condition became more stable, he could return to S City and find Xu Shuanghua to learn more.

Gu Mingxi worried that Xu Shaunghua would feel he was being troublesome. He hadn’t expected Xu Shuanghua to laugh and say, “No worries. Your mother’s health is more important.”

He left Gu Mingxi at his house to eat. Xu Shuanghua lived by himself in a large duplex home. His living quarters were upstairs and his studio was downstairs. Instead of asking the housekeeper to make a meal, he personally made a three dish (plus one soup) meal, and he and Gu Mingxi ate together.

It was the first time Gu Mingxi was eating with Xu Shuanghua. He lowered his head and dug into his rice. Xu Shuanghua already got him a bowl of soup.

“Try my mushroom soup,” he said.

Gu Mingxi picked up his spoon with his foot and drank a bit. He said, “Tastes good.”

Xu Shuanghua gave a modest expression. He said, “My son likes this soup too, but I haven’t seen him in many years.”

Gu Mingxi was very startled as he lifted his head to look at him. Xu Shuanghua knew that he’d misunderstood him. He quickly explained, “My son’s the same age as you. Right now, he’s living in England. He was born in May 1984. What about you?”

“August 1984, on Qixi.”

Xu Shuanghua smiled. “The reason I said we had fate was because the first day that I saw you was on my son’s 21st birthday.” He let out a sigh and said, “His mother and I divorced ten years ago. His mother took him to England, and I’ve only seen him three times since then.”

He raised his hand to measure a height in the air. He said, “He was 11 when he left, about this tall. When I saw him again, he was already 14, and he’d grown a lot. The next time I saw him, he was 16. I don’t know how he was eating in England, but he’d gotten a lot fatter. I told him he should lose some weight, and he told me that he would if I stopped smoking. So then I quit smoking. The last time I saw him was on his 18th birthday. I flew over to visit him. He really lost weight, and he’d gotten taller and bigger. Handsome and bright. When I was with him, I even had to look up at him.”

Xu Shuanghua laughed, and then said, “He’s coming to visit this summer. It’s been three years. I wonder how he’ll have changed. Mingxi–” He let out a sigh and pat Gu Mingxi’s shoulder. “I don’t know the situation between your parents. All I know is that when I see you, I think of my own son. Your father lives far away and doesn’t know what kind of life his son is living. But I’m sure that deep down, he’s concerned about you. Some things will be left to god. If I take good care of you, perhaps there will be more people who will treat my son well in England. I hope that you can live healthily, without problems, happily, just like my son, smiling and laughing all day.”

Gu Mingxi stared at him. Xu Shuanghua continued, “Mingxi, when you get back to Z City, don’t draw out on the streets anymore. I know that you want to earn money, but your paintings are worth more than that money. How about this. Later, I will introduce you to a job. I know an editor at a publishing company. We’re good friends. He’d contacted me before about wanting me to introduce him to a student who would help him illustrate a book. The only thing is, you can’t leave your signature on it. You’ll be like a ghostwriter (ghost-artist?) for a well-known illustrator. It’s for a set of six books. The workload is heavy, but the pay isn’t great, maybe 30 thousand when you’re done. You draw animals with a very vivid style. I’m sure that you can do the job.”

Summer 2005, Gu Mingxi and Li Han finally concluded treatment in S City and returned home to Z City. Xu Shuanghua kept his promise and really introduced him to a job for children’s books’ illustrating.

After Gu Mingxi and the editor had some discussions, he acquired some better paper and painting materials. He went to the Xinhua bookstore and read a lot of children’s illustrated books. Then he started drawing according to his understanding of things.

Li Han didn’t have to return to the hospital, and just had to set aside some money for medicine each month. Although they didn’t have a lot of money, Gu Mingxi felt that they were living comfortably.

Carrying his backpack, he went to the market for groceries. Sometimes he would buy a fish for his mother or some shrimp. He left all those foods for his mother and only ate plain rice with vegetables.

In the scorching summer, in order to lower electricity costs from running the air conditioning, Li Han slept in Gu Mingxi’s room. Gu Mingxi sat at his desk, painting all day and night. He didn’t have any experience, so the first pieces he sent to the editor were rejected. After some back and forth and many changes, the art style was finally set, and he kept painting.

In the autumn, Xu Shuanghua drove to Z City to visit Gu Mingxi and Li Han. When he got there, he gave Gu Mingxi 20 thousand dollars and said it was from royalties.

Gu Mingxi and Li Han insisted on having him for meal. Xu Shuanghua was surprised to see Gu Mingxi busy in the kitchen, washing, chopping, and stir frying the vegetables. He wore an apron and carried out his tasks orderly and calmly, as if not having arms didn’t affect his life at all.

When they were eating, Xu Shuanghua opened his phone and showed Gu Mingxi the picture he’d taken with his son over the summer. Gu Mingxi looked at the same-aged stranger in the photo. A head of hair bleached blonde, smiling in high spirits, bright and shining.

He suddenly thought of Xie Yi, Zhou Nanzhong, Wang Song. He thought of Jian Zhe, Liu Hanlin, and even Sheng Feng, whom’d he’d met just once. Gu Mingxi felt frightened. That life had already gone so far away from him. The trajectory of his life was already completely different from theirs.

His train was slowly chugging along forward. Going different directions at his side were his old classmates and friends, and even his Pang Pang.

His life slowly settled and calmed down. In those several months, Gu Mingxi did a stupid thing. On his 21st birthday, he walked very far away and found a public phone. Then he called Pang Qian.

The number was assigned to Z City. Pang Qian didn’t need to guess to know who it was. When she picked up the phone, she said, “Gu Mingxi, happy birthday.”

Gu Mingxi already felt he was very foolish. He bend his head to the receiver, unable to say anything. Pang Qian knew that he wouldn’t say anything, so she quickly started speaking on her own.

“Gu Mingxi, we moved. The compound is going to be demolished. They’ve already posted the notices and there’s no one inside anymore. My dad bought a house in the middle of the city, and we’ll probably be able to move in next spring. Our phone number is still the same. If you come back one day, you can call me.”

“Last Christmas, Xie Yi and I went to Z City to find you. I left you a note in the rental house. Did you see it?”

“Xiao Yujing left the country. Xie Yi told me that after sophomore year ends, she’s going to America. But she’ll be in the northeast and Xi Yie’s on the west. They still won’t be able to meet up. Xie Yi actually didn’t get a girlfriend in the past two years. It’s really too curious. I wasn’t close with Xiao Yujing, but I wanted to ask you. When we were in high school, did she ever tell you what her feelings for Xie Yi were?”

“Gu Mingxi, I haven’t been dating either. Sheng Feng from before got together with one of my roommates, Yang Lu. Sheng Feng said that the two of them decided to do postgraduate studies together. I kept thinking about it, but I decided to work for two years after graduation first.”

“Gu Mingxi, are you well? Has your mom’s illness gotten better? I know that you’re listening, so why don’t you say anything?” Tears dropped from Pang Qian’s eyes. “Two days ago was my birthday. I’m 20 years old, not a child. My wish this year was to be able to find you. Until you come back, my wish every year will be to find you.”

“Gu Mingxi, what’s your wish this year? What do you wish for on your birthday?”

Gu Mingxi answered in his head– My birthday wish is for you to forget me.

Gu Mingxi worked on that illustrated book set from summer until winter. The day he turned in everything, he let out a sigh.

When he accompanied his mom to the hospital for a checkup, as they were waiting, he excitedly said, “Mom, I received 36 thousand for the project! And the editor said my drawings were good, so in the future, I might be able to work on other books!”

He hadn’t been so happy in a long time. Li Han was also happy for him. “You really have to thank Teacher Xu. The next time you return to S City, send him a gift.”

Gu Mingxi nodded. Sitting beside his mother, he prattled on about his plans to her.

“Right now, I can’t put my name on my artwork. In the future, I’ll have to fight to put my name onto my books. Next year, my goal is to make 100 thousand dollars. If I do that, Mom, then I’ll be able to take care of you.”

“Then you’ll have to work really hard, painting day and night. Your feet will all cramp up.” Li Han affectionately pat Gu Mingxi on the back. “Son, you’re too thin now, and so tanned. What girl will like you?”

Gu Mingxi smiled, “Why do girls have to like me?”

“You’re older now, you should date,” Li Han said. “When the time comes, I’ll ask your aunt to set you up with a girl.”

“Mom, I…”

Just then, Li Han’s doctor came. His complexion looked very poor. Gu Mingxi looked at him, and a bad premonition came to him.

Indeed. The doctor said that another tumor had started growing on Li Han’s liver.

After two surgeries, Li Han’s body wasn’t able to undergo a third one. The doctor explained to her about continued treatment. Then he turned to Gu Mingxi and spoke quietly to him. The tumor was growing very quickly this time and it had spread to other organs. The worst case, Li Han wouldn’t live past another three months.

Gu Mingxi’s world collapsed. He didn’t believe the doctor’s words and wanted to continue giving Li Han the best medicine. The doctor said that it wasn’t necessary to continue taking the expensive medicine anymore. In the last few months, they should let Li Han eat and drink whatever she wanted, to do whatever she wanted, to be as happy as she could.

But Gu Mingxi didn’t listen. There wasn’t enough money at home, so he started borrowing some, a bit from relatives, and he called Shark and Xu Shuanghua. Shark sent over 30 thousand, but after listening to his explanation, Xu Shuanghua said, “Mingxi, calm down. There are some things you can’t force. Even if you spend all this money, it will be meaningless.”

Gu Mingxi shouted into the phone, “How can it be meaningless?! She’s my mother!”

Xu Shuanghua didn’t try to convince him anymore, and he send over 50 thousand dollars.

Li Han lived in the S City hospital for two months. She really pulled through the three months that the doctor estimated. Gu Mingxi was extremely happy, but then the doctor told them to go home.

He said to Gu Mingxi, “There’s no point in further treatment, really.”

When Gu Mingxi returned to Z City with Li Han, she already didn’t seem like a person.

She was so thin that she was basically just skin and bones. He hair had all fallen out from the chemotherapy. Her eyes were sunken into her head. Even her lips couldn’t join together for her to close her mouth, and a row of teeth was always revealed.

Her skin was jaundiced, and her stomach had swollen a lot. She was in great pain. She couldn’t eat anything or sleep at night, and she could only take one painkiller after another.

Huang Lingli wasn’t willing to come take care of her. After Li Shiyu came to visit his aunt once, he didn’t dare come again. Because Li Han had grown too frightening. When Li Chun came back to Z City to visit her little sister, she couldn’t stop her tears from flowing out when she saw her.

But Gu Mingxi wasn’t scared at all. In his eyes, Li Han was still his beautiful and tender mother. Every day, he stayed right next to Li Han and took care of her. He helped her when she needed to urinate or defecate. He helped rub the medicinal oil on her. He fed her and spoke with her. In the evening, he slept on the floor beside her.

Doing things with his feet took a lot of work, but he still worked on it all slowly. Li Han’s temperament became strange and irritable. She would throw things at Gu Mingxi and scold at him, but Gu Mingxi never got angry.

The spring of 2006 would be over soon, and the temperature warmed up. Li Han became more and more fragile. She couldn’t eat anything at all, and she was constantly tormented by pain. One evening, Gu Mingxi asked her, “Mom, should I give Dad a call, to have him come visit you?”

This wasn’t the first time he’d asked this question, but Li Han refused every time. This time was no different. She shook her head, “No need. There’s already no relation between the two of us.”

A while later, she said, “Mingxi ah.”

Gu Mingxi responded, “Mm?”

“Come here and sleep with me.”

Gu Mingxi immediately got onto the bed and lied down beside Li Han. His mother wriggled a bit and reached out her thin arms to embrace him.

“My son…” She reached her hand to touch his face and gently traced his eyes, his nose, his cheeks, his lips. Li Han coughed and said slowly, “When you were young, I went to the temple to worship Buddha. I told Buddha, ‘He’s so young, but he’s lost his arms. What’s he to do?’ At the time, I thought, if I could take on the burden of a painful life in exchange for you to be healthy and safe, I would agree to it. When I was in so much pain that I couldn’t bear it, I though, Buddha definitely heard my words. He took your suffering and gave it to me. Your future will be very good. Mingxi…”

She held tightly onto Gu Mingxi. “I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of what will happen to you when I’m gone. What will you do on your own in the world! Mingxi, promise me that if you ever have any problems, you’ll go and find your father. Trust me, I understand your father. If you go back to find him, he won’t ignore you.”

Gu Mingxi didn’t say anything. Li Han suddenly said, “When you went to E City last time, did you see your little sister?”

“I saw her.” Gu Mingxi lowered his head and nestled his head into Li Han’s shoulder. He said, “She looks a lot like Dad. She should be almost two and a half years old now.”

“Did you see Pang Qian too?”

“…” Gu Mingxi closed his eyes. “Mm, I saw her.”

“Mingxi.”

“What is it, Mom?”

“I had a dream yesterday. I dreamed that you and Pang Qian got married and had a baby boy who was very beautiful.”

“Mom…”

Li Han’s voice carried a smile. “You were both busy with work, so I took care of the child. And then Ai’hua also wanted to take care of him, so the two of us fought about it. Then Shuisheng said there was nothing to fight about. Just have Mingxi and Qian Qian have another child. Then each of us could take care of one, and there wouldn’t be any fighting.”

This made Gu Mingxi laugh. “Mom, if you really want to take care of a kid, then I’ll get married right away and have one for you.”

“Talking back to me…” Li Han reached out to pat his head. And then she reached to his back and pat him there, just like she did when he was younger. “Son, this is my life. But you’re still young, you have a long path ahead of you. I hope that in the future, when you date and get married, that you will be serious and prudent, and treat your wife well with all your heart and soul. In times of sickness, pain, or suffering, you won’t leave her. These words that you say when you get married aren’t just for show, they’re a kind of responsibility. Not only to your other half, but also to your children.”

She looked at Gu Mingxi. “Your dad fell short as a father. I don’t want you to become that way. I hope that you will love your wife and your children. No matter what unfortunate things may happen to them, you can’t leave them. Do you hear me?”

Gu Mingxi nodded.

“I also want you to promise me. In the future, when I’m no longer here, you’ll meet a lot of different types of people. Some will be good people, others will be bad people. No matter what kind of people you meet, I hope that you can continue on with a smile. Never abandon yourself to despair. Can you promise me this?”

He said, “I promise.”

“In the future, when your situation gets better, I want you to promise me that you’ll go to see Qian Qian.”

“…”

Li Han smiled. “If she’s still single, you can try to pursue her once.”

Gu Mingxi bit his lip and shook his head. “It’s not possible between the two of us.”

“My foolish son.” Li Han let out a sigh. Gu Mingxi felt that his mother was very excited this evening, in high spirits. He said, “Mom, you had a lot to say. Are you tired? Let’s go to sleep early.”

“Okay. It’s been a long time since you’ve slept with me. It seems like I just blinked my eyes and you grew up.” Li Han smiled happily as she spoke. She didn’t know that right now, she looked very scary when she smiled.n/o/vel/b//in dot c//om

But Gu Mingxi didn’t mind at all. A smile on his lips, he snuggled in beside Li Han. He said, “Mom, it’s been a long time since I’ve hugged you. I’m sorry.”

Li Han said, “In our next lives, be my son again, okay?”

“Okay, we agreed to it,” Gu Mingxi said. “In our next lives, I’ll be your son again. I will hug you every day, and I won’t ever make you angry.”

“Mm…”

That night, Li Han slept exceptionally well. Gu Mingxi woke up twice that night. He looked at his mother, and seeing that her breathing was very even and smooth, he laid back down next to her and slept.

When the sky started to light up and shine into their room, Gu Mingxi opened his eyes. He sat up from the blankets and looked at his mother beside him.

Li Han was lying on her back with her eyes closed. The lips that she often couldn’t close were actually closed. This way, her face didn’t look so scary. Her lips were even curled up in a smile.

But her face was very pale, without a hint of life at all.

Gu Mingxi bent over to her and used his face to feel hers. He called out, “Mom.”

Li Han didn’t respond. Gu Mingxi felt Li Han’s forehead with his own. Her body was still warm, not at all cold. He continued calling, “Mom, Mom…”

He bit at the collar on Li Han’s clothes. He used his feet to nudge her hands. He gently tapped her body with his foot, as he kept calling, “Mom, Mom. Mom, wake up…”

The weather looked nice outside the window. Spring was ending and summer was starting. Everything was green and the birds were chirping. Gu Mingxi kneeled next to Li Han, tears dropping without a sound.

“Mom, Mom, wake up. What do you want to eat for breakfast? I’ll go buy it.” He kept nudging Li Han with his head. “Mom, Mom…”

And then he finally cried out a painful cry. He lied down on the bed next to his mother, his face nestled in her shoulder as his tears gushed out. He closed his eyes and felt the warmth of his mother’s body one more time.

He said, “Mom, don’t leave me here all alone.”