Lexi
November 5th, 2016 | 5:00 pm
Liam was coming over today. Lexi wasn't sure why he had been so insistent. She hadn't seen him since Halloween. If Lexi was being honest with herself though, she could think of a few reasons why. One being that she hadn't been at school all week. There was no one to force her to go and one email from her father's old account was enough for the school to believe she was "sick."
Lexi did have a valid reason though, she was busy taking care of her dad. He had somehow gotten worse. She couldn't explain how she knew, but she did. He was moving slower, less aware, he didn't even answer her anymore. Lexi was terrified as to what that meant.
She was currently making a bowl of oatmeal for him. It was all he would eat now, he was sitting on the couch and staring at the television. He had fixed all the pieces and they were all put in the correct places, if the screen wasn't smashed, you wouldn't know it had ever been broken. If they weren't so tight for cash, Lexi might have called someone to replace the screen. Lexi walked over and placed the bowl of oatmeal in front of him. He looked down at it for a moment then pointed to the empty spot next to him.
Lexi sighed. "Austin's not coming, we talked about this," she reminded him gently.
He still looked confused and refused to eat, so Lexi grudgingly went and placed another bowl of oatmeal in front of the empty spot on the couch as if Austin were coming. That appeased him and he began to eat. She watched from the kitchen and made sure he ate the whole bowl, when he finished, she took the bowls, one eaten and one full, and put them in the kitchen.
She watched as he walked to his bedroom and fell asleep. Lexi followed and put the blanket over him, she tried not to make any noise as she closed the door and went back to the kitchen. Lexi tried not to cry. Why did this feel like the end? She couldn't lose her father too.
Eventually, Lexi waited by the window for Liam. She didn't want him to ring the doorbell and wake her father. When she saw him approaching, she opened the front door for him.
"Hey," she said quietly. "Keep your voice down, my dad is sleeping."
"So you're not sick?" he asked, following her request and keeping his voice low as he came in.
Lexi shook her head. "Just needed to be here for my dad this week."
Liam nodded. He took a seat on the couch and gave her a funny look. "Why is the television set up as if it works?"
Lexi shrugged. "In all fairness, he did fix most of it, the screen just needs to be replaced."
"How is he?" he asked.
"I think he's losing more function if that's even possible," she said, sighing.
"I'm sorry," Liam said softly.
"So why'd you come over?" Lexi asked to change the subject. She didn't want to talk about her dad right now, it would only make her cry.
Liam frowned. "Have you talked to Maeve recently?"
Lexi shrugged. "Once or twice, I asked her for some notes and she came by to check on me on Wednesday. Why?"
Liam looked away from her and back at the television. "I saw her at Ryan's Halloween party."
"Not surprising, she told me she was going."
"Did she tell you she was still talking to Austin?" he asked.
Lexi looked over at him. "Again, I'm not really surprised," Lexi admitted. "The girl pretty much lives off of pills, she would need to get drugs from somewhere."
"But I thought you said that being friends with you meant Austin wouldn't sell her anything," Liam questioned.
"I don't know Liam, maybe he had a change of heart once he started working for an actual drug dealer."
Liam frowned. "They seemed like they were in a pretty heated conversation."
"About what?"
"I don't know," Liam admitted. "It was just weird."
Lexi didn't know what to think of what Liam told her. She wasn't surprised Maeve was still buying from Austin, she was more surprised Austin would deal to her. Surely he knew Maeve and her were friends now.
"I also talked to Rachel," Liam said, distracting her from her thoughts.
"How did that go?" Lexi asked.
Liam sighed. "I think she had a right to say what she said, it still stung though."
Lexi nodded. "We hate hearing the truth out loud, bad for the ego."
"You want to go for a run?" he asked. "I need a break."
Lexi liked the sound of that because she needed a break too. "Let me go change and check on my dad."
A few minutes later, Lexi was ready and she and Liam went to the park. They began to run and Lexi quickly felt the relief Liam had been going on and on about. It was stress-reducing, almost like getting high. It was nice to know there was a healthy alternative to pill-popping.
After almost six miles, they stopped under the same tree as last time. Lexi laid on her back, and this time Liam did too. She looked up at the cloudy sky, the November air was starting to make its way through her leggings and sweatshirt. She hadn't realized how cold it was getting.
"Rachel said I expect perfection from everyone when I'm not perfect myself," Liam said, breaking the silence. "She said that I never tell people how I really feel, I just pretend everything is fine when I know it's not."
Lexi glanced over at him, she was probably right. Rachel saw through Liam in a way even Lexi couldn't. She was able to see all these tiny parts of Liam and piece together who he really was. Lexi could just identify the pieces.
"Is everything fine?" she asked softly.
Liam took a while to reply. "I don't think so."
"My mom used to say that she and my dad couldn't help me unless I told them what was wrong, clear communication and listening can do wonders."
"That's just the problem though, isn't it?" Liam said bitterly. "I can talk all I want, but it's a two way street. The other person needs to communicate and tell me they are actually listening."
Lexi had a tiny feeling that Liam's relationship with Rachel wasn't the only rocky connection he had.
"My parents don't get me," he said quietly, almost as if reading her thoughts. "They think that I am just some happy go lucky athlete who is going to play in the big leagues."
"But you don't want that," Lexi figured.
"I want so much more," he clarified. "I want to be a doctor, I want to be a good person, I want to change lives."
"Big aspirations," Lexi said. "Have you ever told them that?"
Liam sighed. "They're so busy, I know it would just be this whole thing they don't have time for."
At that moment, Lexi realized something: Liam was broken too. For so long she had figured that Liam was perfect, that he didn't have any of the problems that she did. At the end of the day though, everyone was just as broken as she was.
"If your parents love you, they will make time for you," Lexi said softly.
"I just feel like a burden," he mumbled.
"You're not," Lexi said firmly.
He glanced over at Lexi. "Do you think Rachel's right?" he asked. "Do I need to tell people how I feel even when I know it's going to cause problems?"
Lexi nodded. "I think that if you keep it all inside no one will ever know you're hurting, and you don't deserve to suffer to save someone else from pain."
Liam sighed and nodded. "I think Rachel's right too."
Soon, both of them left the park and went their separate ways. Liam went home and Lexi went to therapy. Group therapy was one of the most horrible, pain inducing events that Lexi had ever been through. Maybe she was being a tad dramatic but it felt unfair she had to go. Lexi wasn't going to magically have all her problems disappear by talking about herself. Still, she went because Macy had basically told her that without some sort of support group she would send her back to rehab.
Lexi glanced over at the clock, only twenty more minutes. She looked at who was talking. Lexi recognized him, he used to buy drugs from Austin and Rick. Lexi often thought about those days last year when she would get high and feel such peaceful bliss in Austin's arms. Lexi didn't know it then, but it wasn't the drugs that soothed her, it was Austin, it was always Austin.
However, as the kid told his story about his overdose at a party, Lexi thought about what she had been doing at that exact same party.
***
Lexi and Austin had been sitting with all of their friends in the basement as the party raged on all around them. All Lexi could feel though was whatever drug she had taken. She was snuggled in Austin's arms, her mind elsewhere. Austin was sober tonight, he and Rick were selling, they had to be alert. Lexi however was not, she only snapped back into reality when Austin was no longer holding her and instead selling drugs on the other side of the room. As the heat from his body began to disappear, Lexi got up and blankly followed her friends who were leaving the party instead. They had picked up a bottle of whiskey and were making their way to the road.
"Where are we going?" Lexi had asked.
"For some real fun," the girl replied.
That had been good enough for Lexi. Apparently, it was not good enough for Austin who had just found them.
"Lex, what the hell?" he had said angrily.
"What?" Lexi had asked.
"Seriously? You're going to get in the car with a bunch of people who are high off their asses?"
He angrily pulled her out of the car and didn't let go of her arm until he had her safely in the passenger seat of his car. Lexi had her arms crossed angrily though. Austin was being controlling again, why did he care so much what she did? He was always trying to get her to stop having fun when he did the same thing with his friends.
"Lex, you're better than this," he mumbled finally as he drove away from the party.
"I don't think I am," Lexi replied.
Austin shook his head. "You weren't always so reckless."
"Yeah well my mom wasn't always so dead, and my dad wasn't always so messed up," she said exasperatedly.
Austin didn't say anything. How could he? Lexi was right, her whole life had turned upside down. She had a right to feel this way.
"I'm tired, okay?" Lexi said. "I'm tired of feeling so much grief and such a huge burden, being high takes all of that away."
"It's not the answer," Austin muttered.
"You're such a hypocrite," Lexi replied angrily. "You get high all the time."
Austin glared at her. "You think I want to be like this? You think it's easy? You think that I want to sell drugs just so I can eat a damn meal once in a while? I'm too messed up to fix. You have a choice Lexi, and I am sick and tired of you throwing your life away."
"What life?" she asked bitterly. "A part of me died the day my mom did and nothing is going to fix that either."
When Austin pulled into her driveway, they sat in silence for a while, they both refused to look at the other. Lexi then peered into the window of her house. Her father wasn't home yet. She sighed.
"I am not in the mood to fight," Lexi said, getting out of the car. "Are you coming in or not?"
Austin looked over at her long and hard. His blue eyes were angry, yet still full of love. Slowly, he got out of the car.
"Always, Lex," he said quietly as he followed her inside.
Then, as Austin got in bed next to her, and held her in his arms, he whispered, "I just wish you realized how much you matter," before falling asleep next to her.