Chapter 25

Lexi

December 24th, 2016 | 6:00 pm

Lexi felt out of place. Today they had all gone to Liam's grandparents house for Christmas Eve. Everyone was very nice and polite, but Lexi was shy and felt like she was invading their family time. Liam had lots of family, they were people all over the house, kids running around, adults mingling, teenagers scattered about. Lexi wasn't even sure where Liam was. There were too many light brown haired boys everywhere. So Lexi spent most of the night by herself in the kitchen helping Liam's grandmother cook. She insisted Lexi call her Grandma but Lexi felt awkward about it. Her own grandparents had all died before Lexi was even able to talk, so she didn't have a lot of experience with it.

Lexi was currently helping her roll out some dough for cookies. Grandma was kneading the next batch. It was pretty quiet between them, Lexi didn't have much to say. Grandma tried to strike up casual conversation but it was hard to keep it going. Lexi still felt really awkward and missed her dad. She had wanted to stay home, but Monica said that they would all stay home with her and it made Lexi feel bad, so she decided to go just to make them happy. After all, they had given her so much, it was the least she could do in return.

"Will you be joining us at church tomorrow?" Grandma asked, snapping Lexi out of her thoughts.

Lexi looked over at her, she seemed so kind, Lexi didn't really want to bring up her inner struggle with agnosticism. Still, she had questions, she wanted answers.

"I'm not sure," Lexi said finally.

"Oh, where are my manners? I don't even know if you are Christian," she said quickly apologizing for her last question.

"My mom was, she made us go every Sunday, my dad was atheist though," Lexi explained.

"So what does that make you?" she asked.

Lexi shrugged. "I don't know, how do we even know God exists?"

Grandma looked over and saw genuine curiosity on Lexi's face. She smiled kindly. "Having a moment of moral crisis?"

"Did Liam or his parents tell you why they had to adopt me?" Lexi asked softly.

She nodded slowly, understanding Lexi's struggle now. "I guess losing two parents is enough to question God's legitimacy."

"I want to believe in God," Lexi clarified. "I just don't know how to believe in Him." Lexi sighed. "I don't know, I just feel like religion isn't for everyone," she said. "I hope that doesn't come off as rude," Lexi added in afterthought.

"Oh of course not, I understand but Lexi, religion is what you make it. Your relationship with God is yours to build," she explained.

"How did you know you believed in God?" Lexi asked.

Grandma thought about it for a moment. "I guess because my parents did," she said.

"I just don't know if I believe in the God the church depicts," Lexi said quietly.

"Lexi, if you believe in God then you should continue regardless of the formality of the church."

Lexi thought about that as she cut out the gingerbread men.

"Why do you think bad things to happen to people?" she asked after a while.

She smiled lightly. "My mother always told me it was God testing our faith in Him."

"You sound like you don't believe that," Lexi pointed out as she took the dough for the next batch from her.

"The truth is that I don't know God's plan or what he thinks, all I know is that I have faith in Him, so I trust that whatever happens to me, He will always be there for me."

Lexi thought about that as Grandma went to put the cookies in the oven. Lexi sat down at the counter and rested her chin on her hand. She wondered if her dad wished he had believed in God before he died. She wondered if her mom wasn't scared to die because she believed in God. As these thoughts filled her mind, she finally saw Liam walking into the kitchen.

"Hey," he said, taking a seat next to her.

"Hi," Lexi greeted him back.

"How are you doing?" he asked.

Lexi shrugged. "I'm fine," she answered. "Just a lot on my mind."

"Yeah me too," he said, sighing. "A couple of my cousins are in the same grade as me, they're all bragging about what colleges they got admitted to."

Lexi had forgotten Liam was applying to college. The next fours years were far out of Lexi's mind, she was just trying to make it to the next day.

"That sucks," Lexi said half-heartedly.

"What's bugging you?" he asked.

"A lot," she mumbled.

"Can I help?" he offered.

"Do you believe in God?" she asked him.

Liam looked thrown off by the heavy question. "Uh, I don't know, I guess I haven't thought about it in awhile," he admitted.

"Have you ever believed God was real?" she asked.

Liam shrugged. "We go to church on Christmas and Easter but we were never really religious," he explained. "What brought on such a moral dilemma?"

Lexi sighed. "I don't know, I just keep thinking about how unfair things are, why did I have to lose my parents, why do I have to suffer?" Lexi took a deep breath. She tried to keep her emotions at bay. "Macy keeps reminding me that good things happen to me and that I just tend to focus on the bad stuff but it's hard, you know?"

Liam nodded. "Yeah, I can imagine," he said. "I feel like that too, like bad things always happen and the good is scarce but maybe you should write the good things down, it might help to see them written out," he suggested.

"Like the gratitude journal we did in middle school?" she asked, smiling faintly.

He shrugged. "Josh and Ryan made fun of it but I always thought it was worthwhile."

Lexi thought about it for a while. "Maybe," she said finally.

The next day, it was snowing. Not too heavy, but a light flurry. Lexi pulled back her curtains that morning and enjoyed the bright whiteness that entered the room. She loved when it snowed, it made up for the lack of sun. Lexi made her way downstairs and put her gifts for Liam and his parents under the tree. It wasn't much, Lexi didn't really have a lot of her own money and it felt weird to use the credit card Liam's parents had given her, but it was still something.

She made her way into the kitchen and ate some cereal while everyone else made their way downstairs. They were going to church first, then opening presents when they got back. Lexi was apprehensive about going though. She was pretty sure the people there were going to remember who she was and the fact that she hadn't gone to church since her mom died. She wasn't sure what they would say to her.

"Ready, Lexi?" Monica asked.

Lexi nodded and followed them to the car, she was wearing a simple grey dress under her coat. With the snow and wind, it was particularly chilly today.

They got to church just in time for the service, they sat in the pew where the rest of Liam's family was. Grandma smiled kindly as Lexi took a seat next to her. Throughout the service, Lexi felt out of place again, she shifted uncomfortably in her seat and when the service was over she waited in the hallway for Liam's family.

"Hi Lexi, it's good to see you again," someone said from behind her.

Lexi turned around and saw the youth minister from when she was a kid coming over to her. Lexi offered a small smile, he had always been nice to her.

"I haven't seen you for awhile," he commented. "I have been praying for you."

Lexi looked down at her shoes as her cheeks flushed red. "Uh, thanks," she mumbled.

"How are you doing?" he asked. "I heard what happened with your father, and I wanted to come offer condolences but I knew you probably wanted time on your own."

Lexi nodded. "I'm doing a little better," she said softly. "It's just a lot, you know?"

He smiled sympathetically. "I'm glad you came today, God's doors are always open to you."

Lexi didn't really know what to think of that. She shrugged it off. "Speaking of God, I have a question."

"Okay, what's up?"

"So many people have told me now that losing both of my parents is a trial from God and I will come out stronger than before and I should just pray and stuff."

"And you don't believe that," he surmised.

Lexi sighed. "I think I want to believe in God, but I can't believe in a god that is mean."

"God isn't mean, Lexi," he said. "God also does a lot of good for us but we tend not to credit Him for it, we seem to only credit God when bad things happen."

"You don't blame him for the bad things in your life?" she asked curiously.

He shook his head. "I tend to thank God for the good things in my life because they far outweigh the bad when you choose to focus on them."

He wished his best to Lexi as someone else called him over. Lexi didn't mind though, she was deep in thought. Lexi wondered what other religions believed about God.