Jess
It had been a week since we found out the news about Phoebe's dad and other than to go to the bathroom, she hadn't stepped foot out of bed. We'd all tried to get her up, well Carter and I. But she was so sad- empty almost. I had hardly been little and my body was feeling it but I didn't dare put any pressure on her with my little self. I knew little Jess would struggle to understand and what more attention than she's able to give at the minute and I didn't want to put that on her.
"Hey you," Ellie mumbled, crawling into my bed beside me. I smiled and moved over for her and switched off my phone.
"Hi," I mumbled back. It was still only early and Carter was with Phoebe right now.
"How you feeling?" She asked, snuggling into my side and wrapping her arms around me. I held her close and made sure she was all covered up and warm.
"I'm okay." I told her softly. She looked up at me with her eyebrows furrowed.
"I know you're lying," she smirked. I smiled slightly.
"Not lying. I am okay, I just feel all- " I paused, trying to find the right word. "Helpless and claustrophobic."
"Why claustrophobic?"
"Because I can't be little but little Jess only ever wants her. She can't handle it."
"I think it will help her a little bit, I'm going to be honest." She sat up and grabbed a blanket to wrap herself up in. She crossed her legs and watched me.
"How so?"
"Because it gives her a reason to get up. Right now, you've given her no responsibilities. You're letting her grieve which is fine! It's perfectly reasonable and she needs that time but after a week, she needs to start getting up again and eating properly again. Jess, she's lost a lot of weight you can see it in her face and she needs a bath or a shower."
I giggled and nodded a little- she was getting a bit stinky.
"So I should slip?"
"I think you shouldn't hold it back. If you want to call her mama, do so. If you want to be fed, ask her so. How about you run her a bath or something and get in with her and then just be your playful self. She needs someone to force her out of her state and I honestly think you're the only person who can do that." I nodded and silence fell upon us.
I think she was right. All week, Ellie has kind of avoided going near her. I think simply because she was confused on how to act and what to do. In the recent months, Ellie had relied so much on Phoebe to care for her, she didn't understand how to care for Phoebe. On top of that, this was the most emotion Phoebe's ever shown and expressed which is ironic since she seems to be devoid of everything. Ellie had been little but only with Carter and I don't think Phoebe even knows about it. Ellie didn't really rely on Phoebe as much as me and her bond with Carter was incredible. They read each other without having to speak any words and Carter was brilliant at understanding it all.
"Good morning stinkers," Carter announced, coming in to our bedroom. Ellie giggled and I smiled. He sat beside Ellie on the bed and kissed us both on the head.
"Morning daddy," Ellie mumbled, putting her head on his shoulder and Carter looked at me, asking me, with his eyes, on my mental state but I just shrugged.
"How is she?"
"She's talking!" He cheered a little. I smiled, that was a good sign. "She had another bad dream last night though and she's really quite smelly so we need to get her in the bath or shower today. Can you tackle that?"
"I sure can. We made a plan," I giggled, nodding at Ellie.
"Thats awesome! I've got to head into the office today," he sighed. My eyes went wide. He hadn't left the house all week, not even to go to the shops or take the dogs for a walk! I hadn't been alone with her yet.
"Can I come daddy?" Ellie asked.
Carter paused, he looked at me, studied me. "Are you going to be okay with her here?" I nodded slowly.
"I think so. Can I call you if I need to?"
"Always. I'll have my phone on loud and I'll let the person I'm meeting with know I may need to leave. Els, you can come but you've got to be on your best behviour for me whilst I've got my meeting- yeah?"
"I will be daddy, I always good," she giggled and snuggled into him more. I felt a pang of jealousy go through me but quickly shut it down. This was no one's fault.
Two hours later and I was taking some food up to Phoebe.
"We're leaving now," Carter told me, walking into the kitchen. Ellie wasn't with him and I quickly and securely wrapped my arms around him. I put my head in his neck and took in his scent.
"You're going to be perfectly fine darling. I'm always a phone call away, I promise I'll be home as soon as you need me." He kissed my head and held me tighter. I nodded and held back my own tears. I wasn't nervous for him leaving, I could deal without him in normal circumstances. I just felt so unbeliveably small. However, he didn't understand that. He couldn't read me as well as he could read Ellie and he couldn't read me anywhere near as well as Phoebe could. Could she read me now?
"How long will you be?"
"Four hours, max. We're going to head to the shops on the way back just to restock. I'll keep you updated on the whereabouts." I sighed and stayed silent for a minute, both of us holding each other.
"Hey hey baby," I smiled softly, climbing over the bed. Phoebe grumbled something from her pillow but I saw a faint smile appear from the corner of her mouth. I sat beside her and put some hair behind her ear, it was very greasy.
"How are we feeling today? Hungry?" I could see the weight she'd lost from her face and it hurt me.
"A little," she whispered. Her voice was hoarse as she'd been mute for the majoirty of the week.
"Well I've made some soup."
"Is it the Jess special?" She smirked and rolled onto her back.
"Hm," I giggled. "More like the microwave special but sure." I helped her sit up and she put the pillow behind her and sorted the covers out. I then handed her the tray once she was ready.
"It's warm," she mumbled, feeling the heat from it.
"Yeah, is it okay?"
"It's fine darling, thank you," she smiled softly at me and I felt butterflies go in my stomach. I sat and watched her as she ate it, in silence. "Do you think you can go and get me some bread and butter?" She asked me after a few minutes, her voice growing stronger. I nodded quickly and jumped off the bed and downstairs. I felt so awkward all of a sudden. I think the little in me was really starting show but she'd been a lot more active this morning than she had all week so that was a good sign.
I made her the bread and butter and myself some too before heading back upstairs. She smiled at me as I walked into her bedroom and gave her the food. She thanked me quietly and dipped it in the remains of her soup. I did the same with mine and she gasped. I smiled cheekily at her before taking a bite of the bread.
"That was mine."
"What's yours, is also mine," I smiled. She rolled her eyes playfully and I smiled. I felt somewhat acomplished.
"Do you fancy a bath?"
"Is Carter and Ellie out?" She asked me, instead of answering the question.
"Yeah. He had to go into work and they went shopping I think."
"He left you by yourself?"
"I've got you," I smiled softly. She raised her eyebrow and tilted her head to the side.
"Hardly."
"It's okay." I said gently and put a hand on her knee. "I'm going to go and run a bath. We can share," I winked at her quickly but she only smiled sadly.
I put quite a few bubbles in the bath and made sure there was toys for me to grab.
"Come on then, bath time." I said to Phoebe as I went back into the bedroom. She had put her empty bowl on her bedside table and was waiting for me.
"I feel like the roles have reversed so much," she chuckled sadly, holding my hand as we walked.
"What do you mean?" I questioned, completely understanding what she meant though.
"You're taking care of me, the way I take care of you."
"It's all part of being your girlfriend. You drop everything in a heartbeat for me," I said softly as she sat on the toilet. "I'll drop everything for you." I began to get undressed and Phoebe followed suit. She hadn't gotten changed all week and I was quite shocked to see her doing it on her own. It sounded so silly but she was more herself today.
"You first or me?" She asked me gently.
"I'll go first if you like," I said and took a step forward to get in but she grabbed my wrist.
"If you go first, you won't be able to play with your toys. Let me," she said it so nonchalantly and I felt my cheeks blush again. She definitely knew.
She settled at the back of the bath and watched me, expectantly. I avoided eyecontact and climbed in between her legs, settling my back into her front. She wrapped her arms around my waist and put her chin on my shoulder. I closed my eyes, taking in the feeling of being in her arms once again.
"This bath was a great idea, whose was it?"
"Ellie's really," I whispered back.
"She hasn't been to see me all week," she mumbled sadly.
"She's been quite little this week. I don't think she wanted ot put that on you and she didn't really understand how to interact with you," I explained.
"She's been little all week?" I nodded softly, feeling jealously creep up again.
"Have you been?" I knew it was coming but I didn't know how to answer. Part of me felt like she'd be angry or dissappointed I haven't slipped and I didn't want that. I also didn't want her to feel guilty because then that would make her all upset again. However, I kind of hoped she'd understand I was doing it for selfless reasons.
"I take the silence as a no," she whispered. I whimpered a little, feeling myself wanting to slip more and more. Just talking about it was hard though! I curled into her and she held me tighter.
"You have been so, so helpful this week baby," she whispered, in her mummy voice and I curled into her more and more. "I love and appreciate everything you've done for me. I understand it may have been hard but I want you to use this time to look after yourself, yeah?" I whimpered, not wanting to answer verbally. She sniggered slightly and kissed my head. "Do you want some of your mermaids?"
"Dinos," I replied.
Phoebe
As soon as she slipped, it was like all of the tension, all of the awkwardness and negative feelings she had inside of her evaporated. Her body was more fragile and tender and her movements became more delicate. She went from being the hostile, trying-to-hide-my-feeling awkwardness to a softer child who needed to be protected at all costs. Part of me felt bad that she'd kept it all inside all week. Part of me felt angry at Carter for not noticing she was hiding it away yet the other parts of me felt grateful that she knew she needed to look after me. I knew Carter was looking after Ellie, the dogs, the house and me also. Jess was, all in all, a grownup and for the first time in our relationship, I properly experienced what she was capable of.
However, I knew that it would have been hard for her. Her mum was horrible to her growing up, she was an alcoholic and often, Jess had to put herself aside to look after her mum. I thought that this week, maybe some of the emotions and anger she felt towards that would come out but she seemed to be pretty okay. I watched her as she played, mindlessly. I put some hair behind her ear and studied her as she made the cutest dinosaur noises and spoke quietly to herself.
At the end of the day, no matter how depressed, scared, angry or upset I am. I knew that my princess would always make me feel better. All week, I've wanted her by my side. Yeah, Carter was great but Jess brought a comfort no one else gave- big or little. She was my princess, my angel and honestly, the light in all the dark places. Her humour, her sassiness, her little quirks and remarks which possessed both big and little her. Yeah, her little self was a haunted little girl who needed all the loving and care the world could ever give but her little self was also the sweetest most gentle girl I'd ever met and she never failed to make my heart swell with admiration.
"Mama," she mumbled softly, bringing me out of my trance. I looked at her and saw her glaring at me with her eyebrows crossed. I smiled and pulled a face at her, causing her expression to completely soften and her to giggle. Although it was only quiet, it was beautiful and pure. she moved over in the bath, back between my legs and settled her head on my chest. I held her in my arms and she presented me a dinosaur. She began rambling to me in her little voice about what dinosaur it was and how cool it was but I wasn't really listening- I was loving.
I knew that no matter how much shit life throws at me, I'll always have my little girl by my side.