Phoebe
"Come on baby we're going to be late!" I encouraged Jess. I switched off the TV, put her diaper bag on my shoulder and held out my hand. She huffed, frustrated and glared at me.
"Now, now, don't give me that face. You're going and you're going to have fun." I took hold of her hand and pulled her out of the house.
"I no wan go mama!" she huffed, crossing her arms when I put her things in the car.
"You have other friends there baby, you'll have fun. I'm sure of it!" I put her in her carseat and then strapped her in securely. She groaned and wiggled but I was stronger and well practiced. She was being silly because Ellie, her all time best friend, wasn't going to be at her little group today. Ellie and Alex, her Daddy, were currently on holiday in the Maldives for Ellie's birthday and therefore, she wasn't going to be at this week's group or next week's. At first, Jess hadn't given it much thought but as time went on, she grew more and more annoyed that Ellie wasn't going to be there. The matter was though, she had plenty of friends there and she needn't worry about not having anyone to play with! I knew she'd be fine and her little, over dramatic mind was just being silly.
I got in my own seat, behind the wheel and looked at her. Her arms were crossed stubbornly across her chest, her teddy was firmly clasped in her hand and she glared at me.
"Oh baby don't be like that," I whined and turned the car on. She'd been like this all morning, despite Carter's and my own pleads to get out of her mood. Carter had gone off to work an hour ago so it was my problem. I let her put the TV on and didn't entertain her stroppiness but now, I had no option really.
In no time at all, we were pulling up outside the little store and Jess let out an almighty groan before hiding her head behind her teddy.
I giggled and climbed out of the car. I loved this group so much! I loved getting to mingle with the caregivers and see their dynamic with their littles. Not to mention, its location. The owner of the store, not having a little herself, wanted to meet new ones so I suggested opening a group. She invited all her customers- some joined, some didn't but we've all formed an amazing group and Hazel- the store owner- continues to host the little group every thursday afternoon. She has it in the back room which is meant to be used for storage but instead, she uses the spare room in her flat above for storage so the little ones can have more space. She's like an angel from above. She shows so much love to each and every little. Not to mention birthdays- she's all over them on their special days.
"I not gettin out of dis car mama!" Jess huffed and kicked her feet. I stood by her door and looked at my watch.
"Well then- you're going to be late and miss the snacks," I hummed, pretending not to care. I knew that if she missed the snacks she wouldn't be happy at all. She huffed again and I watched as her yellow bunny went flying past me and onto the dirty ground.
"Jessica!" I scolded, picking it up and putting it in the car. I undid her straps and got her up.
"Noooo!" she cried and whimpered in my arms.
"You're being a silly billy and getting yourself in trouble sweetheart," I mumbled and held her against me. Usually, cuddles helped. She whimpered and clung to me, she wanted cuddles. After a few minutes, I held her at arm's length and bent down to her height.
"Listen princess, we're going to go in and I want you to try your hardest to mingle with the others. You know them, you love playing with them when Ellie is here. I understand she isn't but mummy will always stay in eyesight and you can always come back to me. I know you love Ellie baby but you need to be able to do these things on your own too, okay?" I kissed her head and she nodded then wiped her eyes quickly on her top. She pulled it up revealing to the street her bra and I just giggled. And made sure no one saw.
"I twy mwy hwardest mama," she muttered sadly.
"Good girl. That's all I've ever wanted from you baby."
We went in, hand in hand and Hazel was just setting the snack stand up. She would lay out lots of coffee for us adults then crisps, fruit plates and biscuits for the little ones. Obviously we were able to take the food too but we tended to leave it for the smaller ones.
"Just in time girls, come take a seat," Hazel smiled amiably as we walked in. I smiled, nudged Jess forward a little and let her take what she wanted. She looked around uneasily at the littles already here. Nia and Mia were huddled in one corner, the boys all around the lego blocks, greasy fingers and fruit juice around their faces. Grace was with Hannah and Cecily was nowhere to be seen. Jess sighed, brought her hand to her ear and cuddled into me.
"It's alright. Shall we go sit down?" I said softly to her. She nodded a little, clung to my top and her food and let me lead her through the room and to the other caregivers.
"Hey Phoebe, hey Jess," they greeted, waving at us. Jess whimpered shyly and hid behind me but I greeted them back. I took a seat at one side of a small table and Jess sat on my knee.
"Princess you need to go be social at some point," I mumbled in her ear but caressed her skin, just under her top at the same time.
"I not mama, I comed dat what woo swaid," she mumbled in reply, ripping open her crisp packet. They were pom bears and I knew she loved pom bears.
"Is the little one not feeling so big today?" Beau, Hannah's caregiver asked, turning to us. Jess ignored her, expecting me to answer anyway.
"Ellie isn't here," I simply said, sighing and touching some hair behind Jess' ear. She whimpered and shook it back in front of her face.
"Oh I see. Thing one has lost thing two," Beau teased, making me smile and Jess blush. A lot of the caregivers often referred to Jess and Ellie as Thing one and Thing two. Jess and Ellie prefered to be called Jessie and Bullseye because one seems pretty lost without the other. Clearly, they were lost without the other. However, Ellie was a lot more confident and able to do things on her own- she often was the one leading Jess into situations outside her comfort zone.
"That's it. She's a little skeptical but we'll warm up to it- won't we?" I said, taking one of Jess' crisps. She whined and reached for me but it was in my mouth before she could protest more. She just growled under her breath and went back to eating them.
Twenty minutes later, Jess had been forced off my knee by Hazel as she wanted to play group games. I had no objections. Jess however, was a little more resistant. At first, she wanted me but I didn't want to. Part of me felt mean and cruel forcing her to be on her own but I knew she could manage. Her therapist often spoke about her needing to try and get over the separation anxiety she felt with me. I agreed and tried to encourage it but it was still hard. He had told me that I was just doing her a favour in the long run but it was heart wrenching to see her sad, pleading eyes begging for me to go with her and then shake my head. Yet, deep down, she knew I wasn't being mean, she knew it was for the best but her little headspace couldn't compute that. When I first really got to know Jess, I encouraged her out of her abusive relationship, let her into my home and allowed her as much love as she required. Her therapist told me that giving her that safety net, that love and care after coming from such an abusive relationship with Paige meant she'd formed some serious bonding towards me as a child would their mother. Obviously, I had no objections. I loved Jess with all my heart, girlfriend or caregiver but I knew that one day, as time goes on, she'd have to get used to being on her own more. Right now, my work is flexible- I am able to work from home as often as possible and when I do go into the office it's never for a full day. Even when sleeping over at Ellie's house, she would ask to go over in the evening and be picked up in the morning unless I stay for a little while. Which I tend to do anyway.
We'd only just managed to get her to sleep in her own bed when little and that was through telling her that Carter and I needed private, adult time. She wanted nothing to do with it and now, whenever Carter was over, she'd sleep in her little room- it was only next door to mine but it was something. There was even a door connecting the two rooms inside but we hardly ever used it. When we stay at Carter's, it's different. Her little room is down the hall so now we've got into the habit of me staying with her whilst she falls asleep and then sneaking off for 'adult' time with my boyfriend. Carter didn't mind- he was as sweet as pie and so so patient when it came to it; he was patient when it came to any of Jess's mental health really.
"Mama, de gwames done now," Jess mumbled at my feet. It looked as if she had crawled from the circle to me and was now sitting on her bottom. I smiled and played with her hair.
"Grace looks like she needs a friend," I muttered and pointed to Grace. Grace was sitting by herself near the doll house.
"I go pway wif Gwace?" she said, looking up at me. I nodded and tapped her back. She pouted her lips for a kiss, I gave her one and she crawled off slowly. I then fell into easy conversation with Beau.
Jess
I hated that mummy kept sending me away. I knew she neeeeeded to but I didn't like it. I hated it. Every time she said something along the lines of 'go play' or even 'friends' it made my heart rip out of my chest. She didn't understand that I just wanted to go home, have a nice warm bath and watch Sofia whilst never ever leaving the comfort of her arms again. It made me mad but more sad.
"Hi Gwace," I whispered, sitting beside her on the play mat.
"Hi Jess," she replied, fussing over the tiny dolls for the doll house.
"I pway wifs woo?" I asked, leaning forwards and picking up the baby doll.
"Hmm, no," she whined then snatched it off me. My stomach dropped again and I sat back down. "I pwayin on my own day Jess. I want two make the perfect family." I nodded and crawled off quietly. The boys were playing a game and they usually let me join in. I went to them and asked.
"YES YOU CAN PLAY!" Fredie shouted and handed me a mask.
"You be the robber, okay Jess?" Alec confirmed. I put the mask on and nodded. I understood the game easily. I had to take the money from them and run off, trying not to get caught. So that's what I did. When none of them were looking, I grabbed the bag and ran off as fast as I could. However, one tiny girl against three boys with nerf guns didn't work out. I felt the first bullet hit my shoulder and I ignored it but then the next round hit my legs and I crumpled at the sharp, stinging in them. I dropped to the floor and suddenly all three boys were above me, shooting rounds and rounds of bullets at me.
"Noo! Stop!" I cried, it hurt as they were so close. I didn't want to play anymore. "Stop it!" I cried. I ripped the mask off, threw the money on the floor and stomped back off to mama. Before she even registered I was there, I'd straddled her knee and was hiding in her neck- trying not to cry.
"Hey, princess. What's the matter?" she asked, wrapping her arms tightly around me.
"I wan gwo home mama, pwease." She sighed slightly and held me tighter.
"Okay baby. Take some deep breaths and we'll head home."
Phoebe
I must admit- she'd tried. She tried to put herself out there, even if it was only for 10 or so minutes. But her tears, especially this heavy, broke my heart and I couldn't do it to her anymore. I didn't wait for her to stop crying. Beau packed her bag up for me, Hazel came to say goodbye and I carried Jess out to the car, with Hazel's assistant. I got her into her car seat and handed her her teddy.
"Better princess?" I asked softly and kissed her head. She nodded and sniffled, rubbing her eyes. "Good girl, why don't you try to have a nap, hm, mummy can take the long way home." She nodded softly and yawned. I kissed her head and shut her door, after making sure she was strapped in nicely. Hazel gave me a hug and I got into the car and set off home- the long way. In five minutes, Jess was asleep.