The Way You're Breaking Me

I can hardly see the road. The lights of the oncoming cars are a mess of blurred flares. I keep rubbing against my neck but it won't come off. It won't come off! I check the rear-view mirror. I think it's growing bigger! And the tears continue to block the road. I have to stop crying, all these lights are smeared across the windshield, making it impossible to drive safely.

I kept thinking to myself that it'll be fine, that I can just ignore it and have a nice evening with Link despite the incident in the tunnel. I thought for sure Link could distract me enough to forget all about Karusa for a little while but then I realized that Link will run amok if he sees the hickey, not out of jealousy but detestation and hostility.

I left the frat house immediately. Without a word to anyone, I ran out the front door, down the road to my car, and finally broke down in tears when I drove off. It feels like I've only been driving for a few minutes but I'm almost home. I think I'm speeding. I'm not really sure. I can't even remember half the drive. I just want to get rid of this thing on my skin as quickly as possible and return to Link's safe arms.

I check the mirror again while I wait for the front gate to open. I want it gone! I can't catch my breath! Every time I try to take a breath I choke on the air and spit it right back out. I can still feel his lips on my skin! I want this feeling to go away! Rubbing my neck won't erase the image in my head. His cold touch, his hands on my skin, I can't take this! I've been pushing the thoughts away all day and now they come crashing down at once.

Having parked the car, I dig my nails into the steering wheel and hold my breath. My chest is prancing visibly, out of rhythm and out of breath. I have to calm down. I can't go inside like this. I need to just get this over with. Wash my skin, put some makeup on the bruise, maybe change my clothes... Yes, I think I want to change my clothes... And then I can go back to the frat house and take care of Link...

I close my eyes and exhale slowly. I have to force myself not to think about Karusa. If I do, I will break down in front of Father and the staff.

I'm shaking... Will he notice it?

I get out and walk up to the tall doors. Dorian is there and greets me with an uncertain nod but I don't speak to him. Did I close my car door? Who cares? I'll be back in a minute anyway.

"Good evening, Miss Hyrule," the maid welcomes me in the foyer. Her eyes are avoiding mine and her nervous smile worries me. Are my eyes puffy?

"Is that her?" I hear Father from his study. He sounds upset. His footsteps get louder as he approaches us. "Are you out of your mind? I was worried sick! I called at least ten times! Where were you?" he asks in a voice that is already accusing me of something.

Where was I? Where did I tell him I was going? My thoughts are so lost right now.

"I was with Impa," I reply.

"I should have known it had to do with her.... You would never be so stupid to actually go there alone."

"Go where? We were at her dorm."

"Really? Doing what? Studying?" He raises an eyebrow and scowls. Something about his tone intensifies my shivering. "I thought you had matured but I stand corrected. We had a deal and you went behind my back. You broke every single one of my rules. Lifting your curfew was premature, I will reinforce the rules. All of them. Until you act appropriately for your age. If you slip again I will have you drop your biology course before the end of the semester!"

I can't even think straight. My mind is clouded by fear. He already wants me to change my major but now he's threatening to change my schedule mid-semester?

"W-what?" I rub my eyes. They're burning from all the tears they shed on the way here.

"Are you high?" Father's hand grips my jaw and keeps my head in place. He's hurting me! I feel like I'm back in that tunnel, seized by Karusa! Help!

"Let go," I plead in a weak voice but he doesn't listen. "P-please let go!"

"Why are your eyes red? What did you do? Tell me!"

"Don't touch me!" I scream and even the maid looks horrified. When I jerk away, a loud gasp falls from his lips. In utter disgust, he gapes at my neck and pulls the collar of my sweatshirt down.

"A hickey? I-I'm speechless... It's worse than I thought."

"No, Father," I attempt to explain what happened even though I could never actually say it out loud.

"No need. I know where you were tonight. I know you've been lying to me for the past two months. Just tell me why... Why, Zelda?" His voice is drowning in despair. "What were you thinking... going to that frat house? All this lying for a boy... An athlete of all people... Don't you know that they are the Titanic of careers? He will only hurt you."

Cold blood numbs my body. He knows about Link! But how? Who told him? Malice? Pik? Revali? Impa? It doesn't matter. My anger is pushing me to defend Link with every bit of courage I can muster. He's a good person and nearly killed himself today just to live up to everybody's expectations. Link is Hyrule's pride and joy, how dare Father compare him to a sunk ship!

"I will not allow you to see him. If you try to spend time with him again I will have you transferred to a different campus, far away from here. And you're grounded. Go to your room."

I am scrambling the words. If he really thinks that he can keep me away from Link then he will be surprised just how wrong he can be. This is the last straw.

"You're out of your mind," is all I say in return.

"I said, you're grounded. We're not going to discuss this right now. Go."

"No! Don't--"

"I'm doing this for your own good, Zelda. I read that it's common for young women to go through some sort of rebellious phase. But this whole bad boy stage has gone too far. The Boars are dangerous and I don't want you to ever get near their campus again. Don't go to their games, their dorms, or their frat parties."

The Boars? I thought we were talking about Link? Does he think I was at the Boars' frat house? With... with one of Lorule's players? What? My head is dizzy, I think I need to sit down...

"I left that campus when you did," I say, hoping it will clear some of the confusion.

"Yes, but you didn't go very far, did you? I know you went to their house so please don't lie to me anymore. I think my punishment is fair, don't make this any worse by arguing with me."

"Father, I swear, I would never go there." Not for money, not in a million years. I am so frustrated because he won't even listen to me. I would never risk being near Karusa ever again. The only place I would go to see him is a courthouse. He still owes me a new phone.

Oh no... Now I get it. Father probably tried calling me and Karusa must have picked up. That's probably why he thinks I spent the evening with those guys. But how would he know that they're at a frat house?

"I really wasn't with them..." I say slowly. "But my phone is."

All the puzzle pieces fall into place, I think I'm having an epiphany... Father thinks I was with the Boars because my phone was. He-- I don't even want to admit it to myself but I have to. There is just no other explanation...

"You've been tracking my phone?" I murmur in a small voice. I can barely get the words out.

"Zelda, please. I'm exhausted," he pinches the bridge of his nose. "Go up to your room, now!"

...That's how he always knew where to find me. That's why Revali saw him outside the house that night. He was following me! Then he followed me to Impa's house. No wonder he didn't believe us when we claimed I had stayed with her all night. And that day when I said I would be at the library he suddenly showed up at that bridge, catching me with Link...

...He got so used to tracking me that he didn't notice that I was gone all night when I slept at Link's house for the first time because my phone was dead and he probably thought I was home. Our first date, our day at the aquarium... Dead phone. That's why he didn't say anything those days, but whenever I am somewhere I'm not supposed to be he's there too.

It all started when he took my phone away at the beginning of the semester. After that day he always knew my exact location.

"You followed me," I persist. "How... Can I ever trust you again?"

I'm heartbroken...

"My patience is wearing thin! If you say another word, I will change your major right now!"

My entire world is falling apart and he is asking me to say nothing? He isn't even denying any of it. But instead of admitting to violating my privacy and breaking our trust, he's just standing there like the shameless man he is. Are my tears invisible or does he simply not care? How can I make him see me and the pain I feel inside?

"Father," I cry, desperate to be heard.

His head is glowing red and the veins on his neck are warning me to be silent. "The deal was that you follow my simple rules and in return you may study biology. Breaking the deal is on you. I am also confiscating your laptop and your phone while you're grounded."

I did break his rules but I didn't do the things he is accusing me of and it's exasperating!

"Take whatever you want but not biology!" I plead.

"We already agreed you'd prioritize political science. This isn't anything new."

"We never agreed on it!" I shout at him. "You forced me to change my major but you promised to wait until the end of the semester! Please, Father! Biology is my entire life! I've worked so hard to make it work! I've been doing an outstanding job at school, I even signed up to present a politics project at the scholar's symposium. For you! To show you that I can balance biology and politics and participate in optional extra credit projects! There must be something I can do to keep—"

"No more negotiations!" he interrupts, cutting the air with his hand.

"No more? You haven't negotiated with me at all so far!"

"Oh, I haven't? Then what do you call our double major deal?"

"Blackmail."

"Enough!" A shiver rakes up my bones as his loud voice strikes through me like a lightning bolt. "You've been disobeying me ever since you started college! Your behavior is disgraceful and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

He moves my hair out of my face to reveal the bruise on my neck. I can feel my heart drumming against my chest when his skin gets in touch with mine. It's such an intense awareness of fright and panic that I am beginning to believe that I am experiencing a real heart attack.

"Do you know what people will think when they see you like this? That you are a slut."

"Father!" I pull away and hide the mark with my hand. "Don't call me that! I didn't want this!" I weep, implying that Karusa did it without my consent but I don't think Father understands.

It's bad enough that he is comparing me to a prostitute but it's so much worse knowing that this mark was left against my will.

How could he call his own daughter that... After everything that happened tonight... Is it really my fault? Am I the one to blame for allowing his lips on my skin? I tried to fight it, on the inside I was fighting so, so hard. It's not my fault that my body becomes numb when I'm scared...

"Hooking up with all those guys... That is the epitome of a hooker, so don't be so surprised when people start calling you that. Now please just go upstairs. It's late and you aren't in the right mind to have a calm conversation tonight."

He just turns away and walks back to his study, anticipating the end of our conversation! I'm not some business partner he can just kick out of his office!

"I haven't done any of the things you are accusing me of! I'm not hooking up with any guys," I follow him to his study.

"Then whose hickey is that? Whose soccer ball were you hiding in your closet?" He takes a seat in his chair. His desk is now a physical barrier between us and I feel cold and abandoned as if it was a canyon separating us.

"You went through my closet?" I wheeze, clutching Mother's necklace.

"I also found your astronomy notes. Or should I say your flirt notes? Is college just a big joke to you?" From his drawer, he grabs the ripped corner of a paper and slams it on his desk. It's the sketch of Villain Astor that Pik gave to me in August, I forgot I even had that. "Whose number is this?" Father interrogates, turning the paper to reveal a phone number on its back. I never even saw that! That's why Pik gave that to me and that's why he thought I had his number...

"I didn't--didn't know--about that," I stumble, hardly catching my breath. "I'm not--" Why can't I speak properly? "I'm--I'm not in a relationship with anyone."

Father quickly draws another piece of evidence from his drawer. A postcard...

"I'm sorry for yelling at you, you can kiss whoever you want," he reads Impa's words. There's more... The postcard I wrote for her last week. She tore it apart but I picked up some of the pieces and hid them... How did he find them? "I didn't find all the pieces but the words on these scraps alone are plenty to understand what is going on," he shakes his head in disappointment. "...want to keep secrets... lie to everyone... love... sleep with him..."

"No, wait, I can explain!" I can't...

"You're going on birth control," he says, looking at the blank wall.

"No, that's not necessary!" I try to defend myself but he sees it as just another act of disrespect.

I am humiliated. Does he really think I would sleep with a Boar! I want to throw up. Of course he would think that when he circles out random passages from that postcard. I remember what I wrote on that card...

...I don't want to keep secrets from you, it's hard having to lie to everyone but you're my best friend and I want to always be honest with you. The truth it, I forgot about your tournament and I don't have a good excuse for letting you down. I had promised Link I'd be at his game. My mind was all over the place and I can't even properly eat or sleep with him and school constantly bugging my mind. It's a difficult time for me right now but that doesn't mean you're less important to me. I love you and I would never do anything to purposefully hurt you...

That's just part of it. I could recite it all for Father but he wouldn't believe me. He wouldn't even listen.

"You have the weekend to think about what you've done. We can talk about it again on Sunday." He pauses and takes a deep breath as I rub my eyes with the sleeves of my sweatshirt. "I don't like seeing you hurt. I really don't. But if you spend time with people like that this is exactly how you'll be feeling. Those guys will use you and break you."

Not the way you're breaking me right now...

"I am trying to protect you, can't you see that? I want to move past this just as badly, but I need you to listen to me and stop wasting your time with immature underachievers."

In between my sobs and strangled breaths, I nod at him even though I want to shake my head and scream. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of having to defend myself as if I was in court. I just want to stop feeling, stop thinking, stop everything. It's so painful to shout without being heard. And I don't know which is was worse; shouting for help in the tunnels and being unheard, or shouting at father and being ignored.

"And next time I call your phone, you will answer it, you hear me? You really worried me tonight."

"My phone was stolen," I whisper at my feet, watching the tears stain the carpet.

"Zelda, look at me," he says as if he didn't even hear what I just said. Blinking rapidly, I look up at him and wipe my eyes. "I'm not the bad guy," he says. That's the same thing Karusa said and it's pushing me over the edge, down that canyon into the abyss. I can't... This is too much.

I storm out of his study, up the stairs, down the long hallway, and into my room. The closet is open and Link's soccer ball is lying on the floor among a million other things.

I try to replay the conversation in my head but it's foggy and I can't even remember if I really told him about my phone being stolen or if I was just silently thinking that to myself because I was too scared to open my mouth again.

I plunge to my knees and pat my pockets. I want to call Impa but I don't have my phone! Shit! I cradle Link's ball on the floor. All I wanted to do tonight was to make Link happy and instead I'm breaking down on the floor.

Why! Is karma finally catching up for accusing Link and being prejudiced at the beginning of the semester? I'm trying to be better, I really am, so why do I deserve this?

I thought Father and I were bonding! I thought he finally started to care! I am so stupid! I don't want to see his face again! He looked at me and saw a slut... I never wanted Karusa's hands on me! How is this my fault? I never asked Pik for his number! How am I to blame? Why are my dreams taken away as a punishment for things I never wanted to happen in the first place? How could he have gone through my closet?

I jump up in shock, run over to my bed, and look under the mattress. At least my diary is still there. Meeting Link, kissing him, having him stay in my room, at least Father didn't see any of that. Link is not involved in any of this yet and I'm grateful for that.

I remove all the photographs from my desk space and place them inside my diary before pushing it into my backpack. I find Mother's university sweatshirt in the mess Father caused and shove it into the backpack too, I also squeeze in Terrako. All my novels won't fit so I only take my favorite copy of Pride and Prejudice.

My hands are caught in a severe tremor, making it difficult to apply makeup on my neck without smudging it. That little tube of concealer is the last thing I fit in the backpack before I throw it over my back and make my way downstairs.

Father is back in his study, or somewhere else, I don't care as long as I don't cross paths with him on my way out.

"Mistress?" The maid says timidly when I open the front door. "Are you alright?"

"Where are you going?" Dorian asks as I pass him. "Your father told me not to let you leave the house."

I don't turn around or bother to reply. He will have to physically drag me back inside and chain me up if he wants to keep me in this prison. I hurry to my car and push the key in as I toss the bag to the passenger seat. Dorian follows me to the car but I drive off before he reaches me.

I don't hesitate, I don't even look back. My mind is empty and my eyes feel dead. Good riddance to all I leave behind.

---

I think I've cried all my tears. Even though I'm still having trouble breathing, my eyes are sore and done shedding tears. Impa is partying with the soccer team and I have no way of contacting her. I need my best friend but I'm all alone.

Not knowing where to go, I parked my car at the beach and waited for my vision to return to normal. It's been about an hour of complete silence now. Just the crashing of the waves to accompany my quiet sniffs.

"Fuck."

My nose is stuffed and I forgot to pack tissues.

"Fuck," I say again, louder. That word sounds foreign coming from me but it feels strangely satisfying to swear right now.

Father has no way of tracking me anymore and he can't call me... He'll probably stop by Urbosa's first. Or maybe Impa's dorm. Who am I kidding? He's not going to look for me.

I thought about going back to Link's house but how can I pretend that everything is fine and take care of him when I look the way I do? Going there and making him worry would be selfish. He would find out about Karusa and risk his own health to avenge me.

Where am I supposed to go now? Like hell I'm going back to that mansion. I can't go to Urbosa, she has Riju staying with her already and if she finds out about Father, she'll try to resolve something she can't fix. She'd have to take sides and I don't want to put that on her.

I really didn't think this through.

It's almost midnight. Link must be back by now. I wasn't there waiting in his room when he got home. Neither were my flowers. But Mipha's thoughtful gift was there. I hope he didn't try to call me. He usually just texts me so I'm not too worried about him contacting Karusa by accident... Maybe Link texted Mipha to have her take care of his leg. Maybe she'll even stay the night.

Shit, I push the door open and stumble out of my car to throw up into the dry tuft. I'm in so much pain but I couldn't pinpoint where it's coming from. My entire body is just in agony and there is nothing I can do but wait for it to go away. I cough a couple of times before returning to my car.

I drink the last of my water and lie down in the backseat. The nights are starting to be chilly now that it's almost October... I cover myself with Mother's sweater and close my eyes, praying that when I open them again I will wake up from this nightmare.